Dick Whittington Version 1

SCENE ONE

OLD LONDON TOWN

Fitzwarren’s shop is [USR] Music cue 3: Alice and Chorus: After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]

Enter Fitzwarren from shop.

ALICE: Good morning father, and what a wonderful day it is today.

FITZWARREN: How can you say that Alice when the whole of London is overrun with rats?

Enter Chorus at a run [SR] screaming chased by a rat and exit [SL]

FITZWARREN: You see? That’s just what I’m talking about!

ALICE: We mustn’t let them get us down father, otherwise King Rat will have won.

FITZWARREN: His rats keep breaking into our shop and eating us out of house and home.

ALICE: At least we’ll get a break from them when we sail for Morocco tomorrow.

FITZWARREN: I’ve invested everything I have in this trip, Alice. The Sultan of Morocco has placed an order with us, for five hundred barrels of our finest treacle.

ALICE: Will it solve all our money problems, father?

FITZWARREN: No, but it’ll see us through a sticky patch.

Enter Sally [SL] singing.

SALLY: ‘Oh what a beautiful morning…’ Hello everybody! I’m Sally Forth, Alderman Fitzwarren’s cook. What a crowd we have in today. Something exciting must be about to happen. And it sure as heck isn’t this show. It must be the Lord Mayor’s parade. That, or Lady Godiva’s protesting against the council tax again. I don’t know how the brazen hussy gets away with it. Mind you, she always manages to get a rebate. When I tried it, everybody just laughed at my ass. Maybe I should’ve ridden on a horse instead.

FITZWARREN: I’ve been looking all over for you, Sally.

SALLY: Well now you’ve found me, what do you want?

FITZWARREN: I want to know what time we’re having breakfast?

SALLY: I don’t know what time you’re having yours, but I’ve already had mine.

ALICE: I didn’t see you having breakfast, Sally.

SALLY: That’s because I went to McDonalds for mine.

FITZWARREN: And now you’re back, you can make ours.

SALLY: I would, but the pantry’s empty I’m afraid.

ALICE: But I went shopping at Tesco only yesterday.

SALLY: Yes, and the rats went shopping last night.

FITZWARREN: Not again! And I’m starving!

SALLY: I could try making you something from what’s left. What would you like?

FITZWARREN: Two rashers of bacon burnt to a crisp. An egg boiled so hard you’d need a hacksaw to get the top off. A slice of blackened toast, and a cup of tea that tastes like sludge.

SALLY: I can’t make you a breakfast like that!

FITZWARREN: You managed it all right yesterday.

Enter a Rat at a run [SL] it crosses the stage and exits [SR]

SALLY: Can’t you set traps and poison for all these rats?

FITZWARREN: The traps don’t work, and we’ve run out of poison.

SALLY: Have you tried Boots?

FITZWARREN: I want to poison them, not kick ‘em to death!

Enter Jack from shop with a small bag containing swimming trunks.

JACK: Eh-up! It’s like the line-up for an old spaghetti western.

ALICE: What do you mean, Jack?

JACK: [points at Alice, Fitzwarren and Sally] The good the bad and the ugly.

FITZWARREN: Have you packed my trunks ready for our trip to Morocco, Jack?

JACK: Yes, Mr Fitzwarren. [hands bag to Fitzwarren] Here they are.

FITZWARREN: [takes out swimming trunks] Swimming trunks! I meant my sea-trunks!

JACK: You can use them in the sea!

SALLY: It beats me why you ever employed him, Alderman.

FITZWARREN: You said you needed a short order cook.

SALLY: And look what I got, somebody with a short order brain.

FITZWARREN: If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself! [exits SR]

ALICE: Can’t you do anything right, Jack?

JACK: I don’t know why everybody’s got it in for me, I work hard I do.

SALLY: Name one job you had before we employed you.

JACK: I used to be a lumberjack in the Sahara.

ALICE: But there aren’t any trees in the Sahara.

JACK: Not anymore, there aren’t! And before that I had a job making keyboards, until they sacked me.

ALICE: Why did they sack you?

JACK: They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts. [to audience] Think about it.

SALLY: Nothing much has changed then.

JACK: I got my own back on the foreman though.

ALICE: What did you do, Jack?

JACK: When he fell asleep at lunchtime, I shaved off his eyebrows.

ALICE: I’ll bet he was surprised when he woke up.

JACK: Yes, but you couldn’t tell. [to audience] I’ll wait.

SALLY: Okay, name one job you’ve done this week.

JACK: I put the holes in all those doughnuts you made yesterday.

SALLY: It’s what you used to put them in that worries me, it’s unhygienic!

JACK: I cleaned it first!

SALLY: Yes, but you still shouldn’t have used – a loo-brush handle.

JACK: You’re too fussy Sally.

SALLY: Fussy about food poisoning, yes. Now get inside and help me make a fresh batch. [starts shoving Jack off]

Exit Sally and Jack into shop.

ALICE: London used to be such a lovely place, before all the rats arrived. Father’s shop was prosperous, the streets were clean, and everybody was happy. I just wish things were back the way they were before King Rat appeared.

Enter Jack from shop.

ALICE: That was quick, Jack! Are the doughnuts done already?

JACK: Almost Alice, they just need the holes putting in.

SFX: Loud explosion.

SALLY & FITZ: [screams off] Aaaah!

JACK: I think they’re in now.

SALLY: [shouts off] Jack!