Dick Whittington Version 1 (Perusal)

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Description

Synopsis:

King Rat plans to use his hordes of rats to bring London to its knees, before taking it over. But his plans are thrown into doubt, when our hero Dick Whittington, arrives in London and finds his loyal cat Tommy.

Roles:

12 principals (some roles are doubled up) plus several minor speaking roles and a chorus.

Runtime:

All of our scripts have a runtime of approx 120 minutes, assuming that you use the full number of suggested musical numbers and not including any interval. But this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit.

Music:

All of our pantomimes come with a full, suggested songs and music cues and SFX list.

Style:

Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample

Characters

Dick Whittington
Alice Fitzwarren
Sarah
Idle Jack
Alderman Fitzwarren
Captain Capsize/Sultan
Scupper/Stan
Shovel/Leke
Spade/Mustafa
Fairy Bowbells
King Rat
Tommy The Cat

Chorus /Minor Roles

Florabunda
Cabin Boy
Londoners, Tourists, Harem Girls; etc.

Scene One

Cheapside London

Music cue 3: Alice and Chorus: After song ends…Chorus move upstage.

Enter Fitzwarren from shop (USR)

Alice Good morning, father. And what a wonderful morning it is, too.

Fitzwarren How can you say that Alice, when the whole of London is overrun with rats?

Enter a Rat at a run (SR) it chases a screaming Chorus off (SL)

Fitzwarren You see, Alice? That’s exactly what I’m talking about.

Alice We mustn’t let them get us down, father. Otherwise King Rat will have won the day.

Fitzwarren His rats keep breaking into my store and are eating us out of house and home.

Alice At least we’ll get a break from them, when we sail for Morocco tomorrow.

Fitzwarren I have invested everything I own in this trip, Alice. The Sultan of Morocco has placed an order with us, for five hundred barrels of our finest treacle.

Alice Will it make you enough to retire on, father?

Fitzwarren No, but it’ll see us through a sticky patch.

Enter Sarah (SL) singing.

Sarah #Oh what a beautiful morning# (spots audience) Oh, hello! What a crowd we have today. Something exciting must be about to happen. And it sure as heck isn’t this show. I know, it must be the Lord Mayor’s parade. That, or Lady Godiva’s protesting against the council tax again. I don’t know how the brazen hussy gets away with it. Mind you, she always manages to get a rebate. When I tried it, everybody just laughed at my ass. Maybe I should have ridden on a horse instead.

Fitzwarren I’ve been looking all over for you, Sarah.

Sarah Well now that you’ve found me. What can I do for you, Alderman?

Fitzwarren I’d like to know what time we’re having breakfast.

Sarah I don’t know what time you’re having yours, but I’ve already had mine.

Alice I didn’t see you having breakfast, Sarah.

Sarah That’s because I went to McDonalds for mine.

Fitzwarren Well, now you’re here, you can make ours.

Sarah I would, but I’m afraid the pantry’s empty.

Alice But I went shopping at Asda only yesterday.

Sarah Yes, and the rats went shopping last night.

Fitzwarren Not again! And I’m starving!

Sarah I could try scraping something together from what’s left. What would you like?

Fitzwarren Two rashers of bacon burnt to a crisp. An egg boiled so hard you’d need a hacksaw to get the top off. A slice of blackened toast, and a cup of tea that tastes like sludge.

Sarah I can’t make you a breakfast like that!

Fitzwarren Why not? You managed it yesterday.

Enter a Rat at a run (SL) it crosses the stage and exits (SR)

Sarah Can’t you set traps and poison for all these rats, Alderman?

Fitzwarren I did, Sarah. But the traps don’t work, and we’ve run out of poison.

Sarah Have you tried Boots?

Fitzwarren I want to poison them, not kick them to death.

Enter Jack from shop with a small bag containing a pair of swimming trunks.

Idle Jack Eh-up! It’s like the line up for a spaghetti western.

Alice What do you mean by that, Jack?

Idle Jack (points to Alice, Fitzwarren and Sarah) The good the bad and the ugly.

Fitzwarren Have you packed my trunks ready for our trip to Morocco, Jack?

Idle Jack Yes, Mr Fitzwarren. (hands a small bag to Fitzwarren) And here they are.

Fitzwarren (takes out swimming trunks) Swimming trunks! I meant my sea trunks, you idiot!

Idle Jack You can use swimming trunks in the sea!

Sarah It beats me why you ever employed him, Alderman.

Fitzwarren It’s because you said you needed a short order cook.

Sarah And look what I got. Somebody with a short order brain.

Fitzwarren If you want a job doing properly, do it yourself. (exits SR)

Alice How come you’re so stupid, Jack?

Sarah Not to mention lazy.

Idle Jack I don’t know why everybody has got it in for me. I work hard I do.

Sarah Oh no, you don’t!

Idle Jack Oh yes, I do!

Sarah Name one job you had before we employed you.

Idle Jack I used to be a lumberjack in the Sahara.

Alice But there aren’t any trees in the Sahara.

Idle Jack Not anymore, there aren’t. And before that I was a painter and decorator. But I got sacked after my boss caught me painting a kitchen, wearing two jackets.

Sarah Why were you wearing two jackets?

Idle Jack Because it said on the tin, for best results, use two coats.

Alice I’m not surprised he sacked you, Jack.

Jack I got my own back though. When he fell asleep after lunch, I shaved off his eyebrows.

Alice I’ll bet he was surprised when he woke up.

Idle Jack Yes, but you couldn’t tell. (to audience) Think about it.

Sarah All right, then. Name one job you’ve done this week.

Idle Jack I put the holes in all those doughnuts you made yesterday.

Sarah It’s what you used to do it with, that worries me. It wasn’t hygienic, Jack.

Idle Jack I cleaned it first.

Sarah You still shouldn’t have used a toilet brush handle.

Idle Jack What the eye doesn’t see the heart doesn’t grieve over.

Sarah Well, I’m not risking food-poisoning. Now get inside and help me make a fresh batch.

Exit both into shop, with Sarah shoving Jack off and following him.

Alice London used to be such a lovely happy place, before the rats arrived. Father’s shop was prosperous, the streets were clean, and everybody was happy. I only wish things could go back to the way they were, before that horrible King Rat turned up. Music cue 4: Alice. After song ends…

Enter Jack from shop.

Alice That was quick, Jack. Are the doughnuts done already?

Idle Jack Almost, Alice. They just need the holes putting in now.

SFX: Loud explosion.

Sarah & Fitzwarren (screams off) Aaaah!

Idle Jack I think they’re in now.

Sarah (shouts off) Jack!

Alice Sarah doesn’t sound very happy.

Idle Jack I wouldn’t be happy if I had a face like hers. She looks like a bulldog that’s been licking nettles, soaked in vinegar.

Enter Sarah from shop pulling bits of dough and ceiling plaster from her hair.

Sarah What did you put in that doughnut mix, Jack?

Idle Jack Gunpowder.

Alice Gunpowder!

Sarah Why on earth did you put gunpowder in the doughnut mix?

Idle Jack I thought it might blow holes in them while they were cooking, and save me the job.

Sarah It blew holes all right. In the flaming kitchen walls!

Alice Is father all right, Sarah?

Sarah The last time I saw him, he was clinging to the ceiling light.

Fitzwarren Aaaah!

SFX: Crashing sound.

Sarah Well he was.

Alice Father! (exits SR)

Sarah That’s the last time I let you anywhere near my kitchen, Jack. What’s left of it.

Idle Jack There’s just no pleasing you, is there?

Sarah There is something you can do to please me, Jack.

Idle Jack And what’s that, then?

Sarah Stand still, while I flaming well throttle you! (reaches for his neck)

Idle Jack No flaming chance! (exits at a run SR with Sarah in hot pursuit)

Sarah Come back here, you lazy good for nothing!

Enter Dick (SL) carrying a pack over his shoulder and stops centre stage.

Dick London at last. I’ve walked all the way from Gloucester to seek my fortune, in the city where the streets are paved with gold. I haven’t seen any yet, but I’m sure it won’t be long. Oh, but what a journey it’s been. I’ve walked days without food or company. I didn’t mind going without food, but it’s a lonely life on the road without friendly company. Still, it’ll all be worth it when I find the gold and return home rich as a king.

Enter Tommy at a run (SL) chased by a group of Children.

Children (variously) Clear off moggy! Smelly old cat! Filthy fleabag!

Tommy (cowers) Meow!

Dick Leave that poor cat alone! Go on, clear off the lot of you! (chases Children off SL) What a mean bunch. (goes to Tommy, who backs away) It’s all right, I’m not going to hurt you. (strokes Tommy, who snuggles against him) What’s your name fella?

Tommy Meow!

Dick Silly me, you can’t speak, can you? I shall call you Tommy. Are you hungry, Tommy?

Tommy (holds his tummy and nods) Meow!

Dick Me too. Once I strike it rich, I’ll treat us both to a slap-up feast at a posh restaurant.

Tommy Meow! (rubs his tummy and licks his lips)

Enter Shovel and Spade (SL) carrying a workman’s hole-guard and a spade.

Spade This looks like a good place to dig for it.

Spade places the hole-guard and Shovel starts digging behind it.

Dick Excuse me, but what are you digging for?

Spade Why, gold of course.

Dick So it’s true, then! The streets of London really are paved with gold?

Shovel They certainly are.

Dick If only I had a spade to start digging right away.

Spade You can borrow ours if you like.

Dick That’s very kind of you. Oh, but won’t you need it?

Spade Nah! We’ve dug loads of holes already today, so we’re well rich as it is.

Shovel Here you are then. (hands the spade to Dick)

Spade You’ll also need this. (hands a paper plan to Dick)

Dick What is it?

Spade It’s a hole plan.

Dick Why do I need a hole plan?

Shovel Well, half a plan’s no good, is it?

Dick I suppose not.

Spade Now, the council have specified that all gold digging holes, must be of regulation size.

Shovel It’s called – the gold standard.

Spade Just follow the measurements on that plan, and you won’t go far wrong.

Dick I must say, that’s very generous of you.

Shovel You’re welcome friend.

Spade You’ll find that Londoners are a very friendly lot.

Shovel We’ll pop back later, to see how you’re getting on.

Spade Bye, for now.

Shovel and Spade start to exit (SL)

Dick Bye! Come on Tommy, let’s get digging. (starts digging behind the hole-guard)

Tommy digs with his paws. Shovel and Spade stop near the wing and whisper.

Spade (to Shovel) That was a great idea of yours, to spread rumours about the streets of London being paved with gold.

Shovel I know. The yokels have been flooding in ever since, and we haven’t had to dig a hole in months.

Shovel and Spade exit (SL) sniggering.

Dick (stops digging) Phew! This digging certainly is hard work, Tommy. (lifts the spade and pushes down to continue digging)

SFX: Sound of pneumatic drill.

Dick picks up the spade and looks at it puzzled.

Enter Jack (SR)

Idle Jack (to Dick) What are you doing?

Dick I’m digging for gold.

Idle Jack Are you pulling my leg or what?

Dick No, I’m not pulling your leg. Am I Tommy?

Tommy (shakes head) Meow!

Dick If you lend me a hand, I don’t mind sharing it with you.

Idle Jack No thanks, it looks too much like hard work to me.

Dick But, wouldn’t you like to get rich?

Idle Jack Only if I can do it lying down. Just watching you is tiring me out.

Dick Suit yourself. We’ll just carry on then. (pushes the spade down again)

SFX: Sound of pneumatic drill.

Dick picks up the spade again, and they both look at it puzzled.

Enter Sarah, Alice and Fitzwarren from shop.

Fitzwarren What’s all that noise?

Sarah I don’t believe it! They’re digging up the road again!

Fitzwarren (to Dick) What is it this time? Gas? Electric? Broadband? Or just for the heck of it?

Dick I’m digging for gold.

Sarah (to audience) Not only are they letting them out, but now they’re giving them shovels.

Fitzwarren (to Dick) I’m Alderman Fitzwarren, this is my daughter Alice. And my cook, Sarah.

Dick Pleased to meet you all.

Alice And what’s your name?

Dick Dick!

Sarah It suits you.

Fitzwarren Why have you been standing there, watching him making a fool of himself, Jack?

Idle Jack Well, I did think about watching some daytime telly. But this is more entertaining.

Sarah Having teeth pulled without anaesthetic, is more entertaining than daytime telly.

Alice If London’s streets really were paved with gold. Don’t you think we’d be digging for it, Dick?

Dick Maybe you’re rich enough as it is.

Alice Do I look rich?

Dick Well…no. But you do look very pretty.

Alice (flattered) Why, thank you. But there really isn’t any gold here.

Dick You mean to say, the streets of London aren’t paved with gold?

Sarah Listen…Dick! The only thing the streets around here are paved with, is doggy-doos.

Dick But I’ve walked all the way here from Gloucester, to seek my fortune.

Idle Jack Then you’ve walked a long way for nothing.

Fitzwarren Who told you there was gold here anyway?

Dick Two council workers.

Alice Well, I’m afraid they were fibbing.

Sarah (sarcastically) Well fancy that. Council workers – fibbing.DickI feel like a right fool now.

Fitzwarren You’d better fill that hole in again. I don’t want any of my customers falling into it.

Dick Yes, sir. (starts filling the hole in again)

Enter Shovel and Spade (SL)

Dick (pointing at them) Those two are the ones who told me about the gold!

Alice (to Shovel & Spade) You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, tricking poor Dick like that.

Dick The streets of London aren’t paved with gold!

Shove & Spade (mock horror) No!

Spade Never mind, at least you’ve dug the hole for us.

Shovel (looks over the hole-guard) He’s filled it back in again!

Spade (to Dick) What did you go and do that for?

Fitzwarren I made him do it.

Shovel Why don’t mind your own business, Alderman?

Fitzwarren If things carry on like they are. I might not have a business left to mind.

Sarah (to Shovel & Spade) Go and dig your dirty great holes somewhere else.

Spade Come on Shovel, let’s go and find some other gullible idiot.

Exit Shovel and Spade (SL) with the hole guard and the spade.

Dick I suppose I’d better be making my way back to Gloucester, now.

Alice Must you, Dick?

Dick I’m afraid so. Me and Tommy have nowhere to stay and nothing to eat.

Enter a toy rat pulled across stage. Music cue 5: Tommy pounces on it.

Idle Jack Did you see that?

Fitzwarren What a marvellous rat-catcher!

Dick Well, Tommy’s got his supper. That only leaves me now.

Alice You’re not going to eat rats too, are you?

Dick I might have to if I don’t find work soon.

Fitzwarren I have a proposition for you, Dick.

Dick What sort of proposition, sir?

Fitzwarren My shop is overrun with rats. But with your cat on the premises, they wouldn’t dare enter my store.

Dick I’m sorry, sir. But I couldn’t let you have Tommy. He’s my dearest companion now.

Fitzwarren Then I will employ you and your cat. I can’t afford any wages mind, but there’ll be a roof over your head and food on the table. Now, what do you say?

Alice Oh, please say yes, Dick.

Dick Very well, sir. I accept your kind offer.

Fitzwarren Good man.

Alice I’m sure you’ll enjoy working here, Dick.

Dick I’m sure I will, Alice.

Fitzwarren You look like a man I can trust Dick.

Dick Why thank you, sir.

Fitzwarren I want you to guard my safe tonight. All the gold to pay for my trip to Morocco is in there. But with you to guard it, I shall sleep soundly in my bed tonight.

Dick You can rely on me sir.

Fitzwarren Come along Alice. We’ll go and check that everything’s packed ready for Morocco.

Alice Yes, father. I’ll see you later, Dick.

Dick I look forward to it, Alice.

Exit Alice and Fitzwarren into shop.

Sarah Come inside, Dick. And I’ll fix you up a hot meal.

Idle Jack Whether it’s edible or not, is another matter.

Sarah Ignore him Dick. I’ve had numerous awards for my cooking.

Idle Jack I’ve not seen any.

Sarah My ring doughnuts have received commendations from Michelin.

Idle Jack Michelin tyres, that is.

Sarah And I’m known throughout London for my roly-poly.

Idle Jack We’re not interested in your private life.

Sarah I come from a long line of famous cooks.

Idle Jack They go all the way back to Lucrecia Borgia.

Sarah At least my family worked for a living.

Idle Jack So, did mine!

Sarah I find that hard to believe.

Idle Jack Mum was in the laundry business, and dad was a printer.

Dick And are they still in the business?

Idle Jack No. Mum got done for money laundering, and dad got done for printing it.

Sarah That sounds about right. Come along Dick, and I’ll fix you up some nice ratatouille.

Exit Sarah and Dick into shop.

Idle Jack (to audience) It looks like Dick will be eating rats after all, then. I think I’ll go and watch some daytime telly. Well, it’s better than working…just. (exits into shop)