Dick Whittington And The Caribbean Pirates

Scene One

Old London Town

Music cue 3: Londoners. After song ends…

Enter Dick and Tommy (SR)

Dick Gosh Tommy, it’s been a long walk from Gloucester. But we’re finally in London, the place where we’ll make our fortune. (slaps thigh)

Chorus gather around Dick and Tommy.

Chorus 1 You’ve walked here all the way from Gloucester?

Dick Yes. Well there isn’t any public transport in the fourteenth century is there? I’m Dick and this is my cat, Tommy. And we’ve come here to make our fortune.

Chorus 2 Got a nice cushy job in the city all lined up, have you?

Dick I don’t have any job lined up.

Chorus 3 Then how do you expect to make your fortune?

Dick I’ve heard that the streets of London are paved with gold. So, me and Tommy will just help ourselves.

Chorus 4 I think somebody’s been pulling your leg, Dick.

Dick Are you saying the streets of London aren’t paved with gold?

Chorus 5 The council can’t afford to fill the potholes, never mind pave the streets with gold.

Dick That scuppers all my plans then.

Chorus 6 Fancy believing in something as ridiculous as that, you wally.

Exit Chorus (SR) laughing.

Dick Come on Tommy, we’re heading straight back to Gloucester.

Tommy (holding his tummy) Meow!

Dick Yes, I’m hungry too, Tommy. But I don’t have any money for food.

A rat on string zips across stage, Tommy chases it off (SR)

Dick Tommy! Come back! (runs off after him)

Enter Sarah (SL)

Sarah (to audience) Hello right side! Hello left side! Hello front side! Hello back…well, you know what side you are. My name’s Sarah. I’m sorry if I’m a bit late, but it takes time to make myself look as good as this. What do you think of my figure? Who said, fat!? I’ll have you know I’m on a diet. Actually, I’m on two diets. Well, you don’t get enough food with just one, do you? I’ve come down to London because of my son, Jack. He emigrated here from Yorkshire, and I want to check that he’s all right. I’m the only family he’s got, after I lost my husband in a tragic accident. He fell down a wishing well, which came as a complete shock to me. I didn’t know those things worked. I wonder what the men in London are like. I’ll just have a look around. (moves into audience and picks out a man) Hello, handsome. (to another man) And you’re even more handsome. (to another man) Evening. (returning to stage) Now if you’ll excuse me, I must find my Jack. See you all later. (exits SL)

Music cue 4: Enter Jack and Doris (SR) being dragged on by empty dog leads. They work the invisible dogs as they speak.

Jack Ey up, boys and girls! (response)

Doris I’m sure you can do better than that.

Jack I think we’ll have to train them up, Doris.

Doris All right, Jack. But we’ll need some help first. (invites a member of the audience onstage and hands them the dog-leads) Here, hold our dogs for a minute will you. And keep tugging them, or they might fall asleep.

Jack (to audience) My name’s Jack. But most people call me, Idle Jack. I don’t know why, ’cos I do work…sometimes.

Doris And I’m his girlfriend, Doris. But most people call me, Dozy Doris.

Jack I didn’t know that, Doris. When did people start calling you Dozy?

Doris It was just after I started going out with you, Jack.

Jack Just a coincidence, obviously. (to audience) Now to make sure you’re all paying attention, we’re going to have a little competition. Whenever I shout ey-up, lads! I want all the boys to shout ey-up Jack!

Doris And whenever I shout hiya girls! I want all the girls to shout hiya Doris!

Jack Let’s try it then. Ey-up, lads! (response)

Doris Hiya girls! (response)

Jack Did the girls do it then?

Doris Yes, but I couldn’t hear the boys.

Jack We’ll do it again and prove the boys were the loudest. (to audience) Ey-up, lads! Beat that, Doris.

Doris No problem. Hiya girls! I think that proves the girls were the loudest.

Jack Oh no, they weren’t!

Doris (leading audience) Oh yes, we were!

Jack Let’s just call it a draw and move on, Doris.

Doris Okay Jack.

Enter Sarah (SL)

Sarah Jack!

Jack (turns) Mum! What are you doing here in London?

Sarah I was worried about my little boy, being all alone in the big city.

Jack I’m fine mum and I’m not all alone. Allow me to introduce my girlfriend, Doris. (to Doris) Doris, this is my mum, Sarah.

Doris Pleased to meet you, Sarah.

Sarah Likewise, I’m sure. Have you also managed to get yourself a nice little job, Jack?

Jack Yes, mum. I work in a shop, and I also help Doris with her dog-walking.

Doris (to audience member) Thanks for looking after the dogs, for me. (takes leads back) You can return to your seat now.

Sarah What dogs? Those leads are empty!

Jack That’s because they’re virtual pets, mum.

Sarah And you’re both virtually daft.

Enter Alderman Fitzwarren (SL)

Fitzwarren There you are, Jack!

Jack Mr Fitzwarren! This is my mother Sarah, who’s just come down from Yorkshire.

Fitzwarren And what brings you to London, Sarah?

Sarah I wanted to make sure that my Jack wasn’t being exploited, by some unscrupulous Fagan-type employer.

Jack Mum, this is Mr Fitzwarren – my employer.

Sarah (posh voice) Ooooh! One is pleased to meet one. Jack speaks very highly of you.

Jack He’s an Alderman, mum.

Sarah (vamping Alderman) I prefer an older man. They have so much more…experience.

Fitzwarren (brushing her off) Not as much of you, I’ll wager.

Sarah People say I look nothing like my true age, you know. That’s because I get plenty of beauty sleep.

Fitzwarren Have you ever thought of hibernating?

Sarah Do you like my lipstick? It’s called, Burgundy Bombshell.

Fitzwarren I think it’s exploded all over your face.

Sarah (laughs and shoves him) You are such a comedian! You ought to go on the stage.

Fitzwarren Do you really think so?

Sarah Yes! Then I can throw rotten tomatoes at you.

Fitzwarren Now then Jack. If you ever decide to start work today, the first thing I want you to do, is the stocktaking.

Jack Yes, Mr Fitzwarren. I’ll just help Doris take these dogs back to their owners first. (takes an empty lead from Doris) Let’s go Doris.

Doris & Jack (to empty leads) Walkies!

Exit Doris and Jack dragged off (SR) by the invisible dogs.

Enter Alice (SL)

Fitzwarren Ah! Alice! Are you all packed and ready for our voyage to Morocco tomorrow?

Alice Yes, father.

Sarah Are you going there on holiday?

Fitzwarren No, I’m going to pick up some dates.

Sarah (knowingly) Why go all the way to Morocco, when you can pick up a date right here?

Fitzwarren I’m after the kind of dates that you can eat.

Sarah You can nibble me on a date.

Fitzwarren I think I’ll pass.

Sarah Suit yourself, but you don’t know what you’re missing.

Fitzwarren I’ve got a fair idea.

Enter Tommy (SR) with a mouthful of dead rats.

Alice Look, father! This clever cat has caught all these rats!

Fitzwarren I wish I had a cat like that, to guard my shop against all those thieving rats.

Enter Dick at a run (SR)

Dick I’ve caught you up at last, Tommy!

Fitzwarren Is this your cat, young man?

Dick Yes, sir. His name’s Tommy, and he’s the best rat-catcher in the whole of England.

Alice (strokes Tommy) He certainly is a lovely pussy.

Fitzwarren What is your name young man?

Dick Dick Whittington, sir.

Fitzwarren I’m Alderman Fitzwarren and this is my daughter, Alice.

Alice Pleased to meet you, Dick.

Dick Likewise, Alice.

Fitzwarren Are you new to London, Dick?

Dick Yes sir. I came to seek my fortune, but it didn’t work out and I’m returning to Gloucester.

Alice (smitten) Must you, Dick?

Dick (smitten) Well I am having second thoughts now.

Sarah (to audience) I wonder why?

Dick But if I’m going to stay, I’ll need a job and somewhere for me and Tommy to live.

Fitzwarren I will happily employ you and your cat, young man.

Alice You will also have a roof over your head, Dick.

Dick We accept your kind offer, sir. (to Tommy) Don’t we Tommy?

Tommy Meow!

Fitzwarren Splendid!

Alice I’m sure you’ll enjoy working here, Dick.

Dick I’m sure I will, Alice.

Fitzwarren Alice, take Dick inside and show him the ropes.

Alice Yes, father. (to Dick) Come with me, Dick.

Exit Alice, Dick and Tommy into the shop.

Sarah I don’t suppose you have any jobs going, for a hard-working, conscientious and eager young lady, have you?

Fitzwarren I might have. (looking about) Where is she?

Sarah It’s me, you silly shopkeeper!

Fitzwarren I am looking for a new cook, as it happens.

Sarah That sounds right up my alley.

Fitzwarren Are you experienced at it?

Sarah Yes, and I can cook as well. But I won’t work for less than £10 an hour.

Fitzwarren Can’t you go any lower?

Sarah (deep voice) £10 an hour. ls that low enough for you?

Fitzwarren I’ll pay you minimum wage.

Sarah Done! (hoikes and spits on her hand, grabs his hand and shakes it)

Fitzwarren (looks at his hand, grimaces and wipes it on his jacket) I also have another job going. But it’s a more unusual position.

Sarah I’m used to unusual positions. (pressing against him) Tell me more.

Fitzwarren I need a cook to sail with us to Morocco and see to the needs of the whole crew.

Sarah I think I can satisfy a shipload of sailors.

Fitzwarren But you’ll need good sea-legs, because you might get tossed about quite a bit.

Sarah I’m used to being tossed about. I used to be a product-tester, for bouncy-castles.

Fitzwarren I must warn you. The ship is full of lusty sailors, who haven’t seen a woman in months.

Sarah (quickly) Where do I sign?

Fitzwarren Come inside and I’ll take down your particulars.

Sarah Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse.

They exit into the shop.