Dick Whittington And The Caribbean Pirates

Scene One

Old London Town

Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Enter Dick and Puss (SR)

DICK: It’s been a long walk from Gloucester Puss, but we’re finally in London.

CHORUS 1: You’ve walked here all the way from Gloucester?

DICK: Yes, and I’ve come to London to seek my fortune. (slaps thigh)

CHORUS 2: Got yourself a nice lined up, have you?

DICK: I don’t have a job lined up because I won’t need one.

CHORUS 3: Then how do you expect to make your fortune?

DICK: I’ve heard that the streets of London are paved with gold. So, me and Puss will just help ourselves.

CHORUS 4: I think somebody’s been pulling your leg, Dick.

DICK: Are you saying the streets of London aren’t paved with gold?

CHORUS 5: The council can’t afford to fill potholes, never mind pave streets with gold.

DICK: That scuppers all my plans then.

CHORUS 6: Fancy believing in something as ridiculous as that!

Exit Chorus (SR) laughing.

DICK: Come on Puss, we’re heading back to Gloucester.

PUSS: (holding his tummy) Meow!

DICK: I’m hungry too Puss, but I don’t have any money for food.

Enter a Rat (SL) it runs across stage and exits (SR) exit Puss after it.

DICK: Puss! Come back! (exits after Puss)

Enter Sally (SL)

SALLY: Hello right side! Hello left side! Hello front side! Hello back…well, you know what you are. I’m sorry I’m a bit late, but it takes time to make myself look as good as this. What do you think of my figure? Who said, fat!? I’ll have you know I’m on a diet. Actually, I’m on two diets. Well, you don’t get enough food with just one, do you? My name’s Sally, and I’ve come to London to visit my son, Jack. He’s the only family I’ve got, after my husband unexpectedly died. I’ll never forget his last words. (yells) Aaaah! He was a man of few words. I wonder what the men in London are like. Let’s have a look. Turn the hall lights up. (lights come up and she peers out) On second thoughts, they look better in the dark. (lights off) Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go and find my Jack. See you all later! (exits SL)

Enter Jack (SR)

JACK: Hello boys and girls! My name’s Jack, but most people call me, Idle Jack. I don’t know why, ‘cos I do work – sometimes. I came to London from a little village in Yorkshire almost a year ago and landed myself a job in Alderman Fitzwarren’s shop. I’m in charge of stock replenishment, and display rotation, otherwise known as shelf-filling. But one day I hope to have my own chain of shops. Well, even that Tesco bloke started off shelf-filling, didn’t he? Working in retail you soon discover that there are two types of people in the world. Those who can read signs – and customers.

Enter Doris (SL)

DORIS: Hello Jack!

JACK: Hello. (to audience) This is my girlfriend, Doris.

DORIS: But most people call me, Dozy Doris.

JACK: I didn’t know that! When did people start calling you, Dozy?

DORIS: It was just after I started going out with you, Jack.

JACK: Just a coincidence, obviously.

DORIS: What’s today’s audience like, Jack?

JACK: They’re a bit dozy, Doris – no pun intended.

DORIS: They’ve probably got the heating up too high. Let’s liven them up.

JACK: Okay Doris. (to audience) And to make sure you’ keep paying attention, we’ll have a little competition. Whenever I shout Ey-up, lads! I want all the boys to shout, Ey-up Jack!

DORIS: And whenever I shout, hiya girls! I want all the girls to shout, hiya Doris!

JACK: Let’s try it then. Ey-up, lads!

DORIS: Hiya girls!

JACK: Did the girls do it then?

DORIS: Yes, but I couldn’t hear the boys.

JACK: We’ll do it again and prove the boys were the loudest. Ey-up, lads!

DORIS: Hiya girls! I think that proves the girls were the loudest.

JACK: Oh no, they weren’t!

DORIS: (leading audience) Oh yes, we were!

JACK: Let’s just call it a draw and move on, Doris.

DORIS: Okay Jack.

Enter Sally (SL)

SALLY: Jack!

JACK: Mum! What are you doing down in London?

SALLY: I was worried about my little boy, being all alone in the big city.

JACK: I’m fine mum – and I’m not all alone. This is my girlfriend, Doris.

SALLY: Hello Doris, I’m Sally.

DORIS: Pleased to meet you, Sally.

SALLY: Have you managed to get yourself a good job, Jack?

JACK: Yes mum, I work in a nice big shop.

DORIS: What do they sell?

JACK: All sorts.

SALLY: Oh, I love those. The pink ones are my favourite.

DORIS: He means it sells lots of different stuff.

SALLY: Like a supermarket, you mean?

JACK: Yes, and it specialises in exotic goods.

SALLY: It has an Ann Summers section!?

DORIS: I think you misheard him, Sally.

SALLY: That’s how Jack’s father died.

DORIS: He died from Anne Summers!?

SALLY: No! Mishearing! I thought he shouted, I’ve fixed the socket, switch on the light. But what he actually said was, I’m fixing the socket don’t switch on the light. (to audience) His last words make sense now, don’t they?

DORIS: That must have been terrible shock for you.

SALLY: Yes, and it was even more of a shock for him. There wasn’t anything we wouldn’t do for each other you know. He wouldn’t do anything for me, and I wouldn’t do anything for him.

Enter Alderman Fitzwarren (SL)

FITZWARREN: There you are, Jack!

JACK: Mr Fitzwarren! This is my mother Sally.

FITZWARREN: Hello Sally – and what brings you to London?

SALLY: I wanted to make sure my Jack wasn’t being exploited, by some unscrupulous Fagan-type employer.

JACK: Mr Fitzwarren’s my employer, mum.

SALLY: (posh) Ooh! One is pleased to meet one. Jack speaks very highly of you.

JACK: He’s an Alderman.

SALLY: I prefer an older man. They have so much more experience.

FITZWARREN: Not as much as you, I’ll wager. Go inside and fill some shelves, Jack.

JACK: Yes, Mr Fitzwarren.

DORIS: I’ll come with you, Jack. I need some elastic.

JACK: How much do you need?

DORIS: Five metres.

JACK: I think we can stretch to that.

Exit Jack and Doris into shop.

SALLY: People say I look nothing like my true age, you know. That’s because I get plenty of beauty sleep.

FITZWARREN: Have you considered hibernating?

SALLY: Do you like my lipstick? It’s called, Burgundy Bombshell.

FITZWARREN: I think it’s exploded all over your face.

SALLY: (laughs) You’re such a comedian! You ought to go on the stage.

FITZWARREN: Do you really think so?

SALLY: Yes – then I can throw rotten tomatoes at you.

Enter Alice (SL)

ALICE: I’m all packed ready for our voyage to Morocco tomorrow, father.

FITZWARREN: That’s good, Alice.

SALLY: Are you going on holiday then?

FITZWARREN: No, I’m going to pick up some dates.

SALLY: Why go all the way to Morocco, when you can pick up a date right here?

FITZWARREN: I’m after the kind that you can eat.

SALLY: You can nibble on me if you like.

FITZWARREN: (brushing her off) I think I’ll pass.

SALLY: You don’t know what you’re missing.

FITZWARREN: I’ve got a fair idea.

Enter Puss (SR) with a mouthful of rats.

ALICE: Look, father! This clever cat has caught all these rats!

FITZWARREN: I wish I had a cat like that to guard my shop against all those thieving rats.

Enter Dick at a run (SR)

DICK: I’ve caught you up at last, Puss.

FITZWARREN: Is this your cat, young man?

DICK: Yes sir, and he’s the best ratcatcher in the whole of England.

ALICE: (strokes Puss) He certainly is a lovely pussy.

FITZWARREN: What’s your name, young man?

DICK: Dick Whittington, sir.

FITZWARREN: I’m Alderman Fitzwarren and this is my beautiful daughter, Alice.

ALICE: (smitten) Pleased to meet you, Dick!

DICK: (smitten) Likewise, Alice!

FITZWARREN: Are you new to London, Dick?

DICK: Yes sir. I was hoping to make my fortune, but things didn’t work out, so I’m returning to Gloucester.

ALICE: Must you, Dick?

DICK: Well, I am having second thoughts now.

SALLY: (to audience) I wonder why?

DICK: But if I’m to stay, I’ll need a job and somewhere for me and Puss to live.

FITZWARREN: I will happily employ you and your cat, Dick.

ALICE: You will also have a roof over your head, Dick.

DICK: We accept your kind offer, sir. Don’t we Puss?

PUSS: Meow!

FITZWARREN: Splendid!

ALICE: I do hope you enjoy working here, Dick.

DICK: I’m sure I will, Alice.

FITZWARREN: Alice – take Dick inside and show him the ropes.

ALICE: Yes, father. Come with me, Dick.

Exit Alice, Dick and Puss into the shop.

SALLY: I don’t suppose you have any jobs going for a hard-working, eager young lady, do you?

FITZWARREN: I might have. (looking about) Where is she?

SALLY: It’s me, you silly shopkeeper!

FITZWARREN: I am looking for a new cook, as it happens.

SALLY: That sounds right up my alley.

FITZWARREN: Are you experienced at it?

SALLY: Yes, and I can cook as well. But I won’t work for less than £10 an hour.

FITZWARREN: Can’t you go any lower?

SALLY: (deep voice) £10 an hour. ls that low enough for you?

FITZWARREN: I’ll pay you minimum wage.

SALLY: Done! (spits on her hand, grabs his hand and shakes it)

FITZWARREN: (looks at his hand, grimaces and wipes it on his jacket) I also have another job going. But it’s a more unusual position.

SALLY: I’m used to unusual positions. (pressing against him) Tell me more.

FITZWARREN: I need a ship’s cook to see to the needs of the whole crew.

SALLY: I think I can satisfy a shipload of sailors.

FITZWARREN: You might get tossed about quite a bit at sea.

SALLY: I’m used to being tossed about. I was a product tester for bouncy castles.

FITZWARREN: I must warn you, the ship is full of lusty sailors who haven’t seen a woman in months.

SALLY: Where do I sign up?

FITZWARREN: Come inside and I’ll take down your particulars.

SALLY: Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse.

Exit Fitzwarren and Sally into shop.