Dick Whittington And The Caribbean Pirates

SCENE ONE

OLD LONDON TOWN

Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Dick and Puss [SR]

DICK: It’s been a long walk from Gloucester Puss, but we’re finally in London.

CHORUS 1: You’ve walked all the way here from Gloucester?

DICK: That’s right. I’ve come to London to seek my fortune. [slaps thigh]

CHORUS 2: Got yourself a nice job all lined up, have you?

DICK: No, because I won’t need one.

CHORUS 3: Then how do you expect to make your fortune?

DICK: I heard that the streets of London are paved with gold. So, me and Puss will just help ourselves.

CHORUS 4: I think somebody’s been pulling your leg, Dick.

DICK: You mean the streets of London aren’t paved with gold?

CHORUS 5: The council can’t afford to fill potholes, never mind pave the streets with gold.

DICK: That scuppers all my plans then.

CHORUS 6: Fancy believing in something as ridiculous as that!

Exit Chorus [SR] laughing.

DICK: Come on Puss, we’re heading straight back to Gloucester.

PUSS: [holding his tummy] Meow!

DICK: I’m hungry too Puss, but I don’t have any money for food.

Enter a Rat [SL] it runs across stage and exits [SR] Puss runs after it.

DICK: Wait, Puss! [exits after Puss]

Enter Sally [SL]

SALLY: Hello boys and girls! My name’s Sally Forth, and I’ve come to London to visit my son Jack. Now that I’m a widow, he’s the only family I have left. Me and my hubby were total opposites you know. He would always take the lift, while I took the stairs. I guess we were just raised differently. He once asked what I’d like for my birthday, and I said nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring. So he bought me nothing. I’ll never forget his last words. He looked up at me and said, ‘why are you holding that pillow above my face?’ I wonder what the men in London are like. Let’s have a look shall we? Turn the hall lights up. [hall lights rise] On second thoughts turn them off again, they look better in the dark. [hall lights off] Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go and find my Jack. See you all later! [exits SL]

Enter Jack [SR]

JACK: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Jack, but most people call me Idle Jack, which I think is a bit unfair. I don’t mind coming into work, it’s the eight hours waiting to go home I hate. I work at Alderman Fitzwarren’s shop, and I’m in charge of stock replenishment and display rotation. Otherwise known as shelf-filling. It took me ages to learn how to work the new till. It just didn’t seem to register. We’ve started giving customers bags for life, which I find a bit weird. I mean, how do we know how long they’re going to live? Working in retail you learn there are two types of people in the world. Those who can read signs – and customers.

Enter Doris [SL]

DORIS: Hello Jack!

JACK: Hi Doris. [to audience] This is my girlfriend, Doris.

DORIS: But most people call me, Dozy Doris.

JACK: I didn’t know that Doris! When did people start calling you, Dozy?

DORIS: It was just after I started going out with you, Jack.

JACK: Just a coincidence obviously.

DORIS: [peering out] It looks like we have a lot of tourists here today, Jack.

JACK: What’s your favourite London attraction, Doris?

DORIS: The London Eye.

JACK: A friend of mine took poorly on that this morning.

DORIS: And how are they now?

JACK: They’re slowly coming round.

DORIS: Do you get many tourists in your shop, Jack?

JACK: Yes, and the other day one of them asked if I could tell them the way to Heathrow via Barking. So, I pointed at a map and woofed.

DORIS: I used to be a tourist guide, and I kept them amused by telling jokes and holding competitions.

JACK: Well, we’ve just done some jokes, so why don’t we hold a competition?

DORIS: That sounds like a great idea, Jack.

JACK: [to audience] Okay folks! It’s competition time! Whenever I shout Ey-up, lads! I want all the boys to shout, Ey-up Jack!

DORIS: And whenever I shout, hiya girls! I want all the girls to shout, hiya Doris!

JACK: Let’s try it then. Ey-up, lads!

DORIS: Hiya girls!

JACK: Did the girls do it just then?

DORIS: Yes, but I couldn’t hear the boys.

JACK: We’ll do it again and prove the boys were the loudest. Ey-up, lads!

DORIS: Hiya girls! I think that proves the girls were the loudest.

JACK: Oh no, they weren’t!

DORIS: Oh yes, we were!

JACK: Let’s just call it a draw and move on, Doris.

DORIS: Okay Jack.

Enter Sally [SL]

SALLY: Jack!

JACK: Mum! What are you doing down in London?

SALLY: I was worried about my little boy being all alone in the big city.

JACK: I’m fine mum, and I’m not alone.

SALLY: I can see that now. Aren’t you going to introduce me then?

JACK: This is my girlfriend Doris, mum.

SALLY: Hello Doris, I’m Sally.

DORIS: Pleased to meet you, Sally.

SALLY: Did you manage to get yourself a good job then, Jack?

JACK: Yes mum, I work in a nice shop.

DORIS: What do they sell?

JACK: All sorts.

SALLY: Oh, I love those. The pink ones are my favourite.

JACK: Not Bassets Allsorts mum! We sell exotic goods!

SALLY: You work in Ann Summers!?

DORIS: It’s not that exotic, Sally.