Scene One
Old London Town
Music cue 3: Londoners. After song ends…They gather in groups and chat.
Dick enters (SR) with Tommy.
Dick
So this is London, Tommy. The city where we’ll make our fortune. (thigh-slap)
Tommy
Meeow! (rubs stomach)
Dick
Yes, I’m hungry as well Tommy. It’s been a long walk from Gloucester.
Chorus gather around Dick and Tommy.
Chorus 1
(to Dick) You’ve walked all the way from Gloucester?
Dick
Yes. (to audience) Well they don’t have public transport in the 14th century.
Chorus 2
Well now you’re here. Welcome to London! (shakes hand)
Chorus 3
(offers Dick a Snickers Bar) Here my friend, have a Snickers.
Dick
(takes the Snickers) Why, thank you! But what about Tommy? He’s hungry too.
A rat on string zips across stage, Tommy pounces and catches it.
Chorus 4
With all these rats around, this little fella will never go Hungry.
Chorus 5
And the more rats he eats, the better for us Londoners.
Sarah enters (SL)
Sarah
(to audience) Hello right-side! Hello left-side! Hello front-side! Hello back…well, you know what you are. My name is Sarah. I’m sorry if I’m a bit late, but it takes me a little time to make myself look as good as this.
Chorus 1
That’s true. (to audience) She started in Sept.
Sarah
(snaps) How would you like a kick up the Old Kent Road?
Chorus 2
(Dick) Come with us, and we’ll show you around London?
Dick
Thanks! (to Tommy) Come along Tommy.
Chorus exit (SR) with Dick and Tommy.
Sarah
(to audience) And now we’re alone. (poses) How do you think I look? (audience respond) Who said fat? I’ll have you know I’m on a diet. Actually I’m on two diets. Well you don’t get enough food with just one, do you? (laughs) Anyway I’ve come down to London because of my son, Jack. You see he emigrated here from Yorkshire, and I want to check that he’s all right. I’m the only person he’s got, you see. (elicit audience sympathy) I lost my husband in a tragic accident. He fell down a wishing well. Which came as a complete surprise to me. I didn’t realise those things actually worked. Mind you, he always was a big let-down. (laughs) Well? Let-down? Oh, never mind. Here, I wonder what the men are like in London. I’ll just have a look around. (scans audience or leaves the stage and goes amongst them. To man in audience) Well hello, handsome. (to another man) Ooh! And you’re even more handsome. (reacts as if to an ugly man) Evening. (returning to stage) Now if you’ll excuse me, I must just use the little girls’ room. Only on the way here, I had a couple of shandies in…(name of local pub)…and it’s going right through me. See you in a mo. (crouches, and runs off SL)
Music cue 4: Jack and Doris enter (SR) being dragged on by empty dog leads. They ‘work’ the ‘invisible’ dogs as they speak.
Jack
Ey up, kids! (audience respond)
Doris
(to audience) Oh, I’m sure you can do better than that.
Two Chorus Member enter (SL)
Doris
(to Chorus members) Here, hold our dogs a minute will you.
The Chorus Members take the leads and look at them bemused, but keep working them nonetheless.
Jack
My name’s Jack. But most people call me, ‘Idle Jack’. I don’t know why, ‘cos I do work…sometimes.
Doris
And I’m his beautiful girlfriend, Doris. But most people call me ‘Dozy Doris’.
Jack
Well I don’t think that’s very fair, Doris. After all, you were clever enough to go out with me.
Doris
(aside to audience) It was after that, when people started calling me ‘Dozy’ Doris.
Jack
(to audience) Now in order to make sure you’re all paying attention, we’re going to have a little competition. So whenever I shout ‘ey up, lads’! I want my side…(points at his side of audience)…to shout ‘ey up Jack’!
Doris
And whenever I shout ‘hello, girls’, I want my side…(points at her side of audience)…to shout ‘hello, Doris’. Let’s try it then.
Jack
(to his side) Ey up, lads! (audience respond)
Doris
(to her side) Hello, girls! (audience respond)
Jack
(to audience, hands on hips) Did you do it then?
Doris
Well my side did. Yours were rubbish.
Jack
All right, we’ll try it again and I’ll prove that my side are the best. (to audience) Ey up, lads! (audience respond) Fantastic! (to Doris) Beat that.
Doris
Easy-peasy. (to audience) Hello, girls! (audience respond) Brilliant! (to Jack) I think that proves that my side were the best.
Jack
Oh no, they weren’t!
Doris
(encouraging audience to join in) Oh yes, they were!
Sarah enters (SL) and spots Jack.
Sarah
Jack!
Jack
(turns) Mum! What are you doing here?
Sarah
I was worried about you, Jack. I’ve heard there are lots of sailors in London, all frustrated and wanton. (aside to audience) And I know just what they’re a-wantin’.
Jack
You don’t have to worry about me, mum. I never go near the docks.
Sarah
(dryly) I wasn’t thinking about you, Jack.
Jack
Mum, I’d like you to meet Doris.
Doris
Pleased to meet you, Mrs Jack. (does awkward curtsey)
Jack
Doris is my girlfriend.
Sarah
(double take) Girlfriend? Well I never did! Well…(looks at Jack)…once maybe. Anyway Jack, how are you doing in London?
Jack
I’m doing fine thanks, mum.
Sarah
And have you managed to get yourself a nice little job?
Jack
Yes, mum. I work in a big store, and I sometimes help Doris with her dog-walking.
Doris
(to Chorus) Thank you for looking after the dogs, for us. (takes leads back)
Chorus Members exit (SR) shaking their heads and giggling.
Doris is working the leads.
Sarah
(examining the leads) But, there’s nothing there!
Jack
That’s because they’re virtual pets.
Sarah
And you’re both virtually daft.
Doris
If people are willing to pay me to walk their virtual pets, then who’s the daft ones.
Sarah
(to audience) I’d like a job like that. Getting paid for doing virtually nothing.
Alderman Fitzwarren and Alice enter (SL)
Jack
Good morning, Mr Fitzwarren!
Doris
Good morning Alice!
Alice
Hello you two!
Jack
(introducing Sarah) This is my mother, Sarah.
Fitzwarren
(to Sarah) Pleased to meet you, I’m sure.
Alice
(to Sarah) And what brings you to London?
Sarah
I wanted to make sure that my Jack wasn’t being exploited by some nasty, Fagan-type employer.
Jack
(introducing her to Fitzwarren) Mum, this is Mr Fitzwarren – my employer.
Sarah
(posh voice) Oooh! One is pleased to meet one. Jack speaks very highly of you.
Doris
He’s an Alderman.
Sarah
(walking her fingers up Fitzwarren’s arm) I much prefer an older man. They have so much more…experience.
Fitzwarren
(removing her hand) Not as much of you, I’ll wager. (to Jack) Now then Jack. If you ever decide to start work today, the first thing I want you to do, is the stocktaking.
Jack
Yes, Mr Fitzwarren. I’ll just help Doris take these dogs back to their owners first. (takes an empty lead from Doris) Let’s go Doris.
Doris
(to empty leads) Walkies!
Doris and Jack are both are ‘dragged’ off (SL) by the invisible dogs.
Fitzwarren
I hope you’re all packed and ready to go on our big sea voyage tomorrow, Alice.
Alice
Yes, father.
Sarah
Oooh! Going anywhere nice?
Alice
Morocco.
Sarah
‘Morocco’! That’s abroad, isn’t it?
Fitzwarren
(sarcastic) Well obviously. Why else would we be going on a sea voyage?
Sarah
And why are you going to Morocco, if you don’t mind me asking?
Fitzwarren
Dates.
Sarah
(pressing against him) Why go halfway round the world, when you can pick up a date right here?
Fitzwarren
(pushing her away) I’m picking up a cargo of dates for my shop.
Sarah
Oh, I see. I don’t like those sort. They stick in me teeth, and I have to get them out with a wire-brush.
Tommy enters (SR) with a mouthful of dead rats.
Alice
Look, father! This clever cat has caught all these rats!
Fitzwarren
I wish I had a cat like that, to guard my shop against all those thieving rats.
Dick runs on (SR) and goes up to Tommy.
Dick
There you are, Tommy! (checking out the dead rats) Look at you go. At this rate London will soon be rat free.
Fitzwarren
Is this your cat, young man?
Dick
Yes, sir. His name’s Tommy, and he’s the best rat-catcher in the whole of England.
Alice
(strokes cat) He certainly is a lovely pussy.
Dick
(to Alice) He seems to like you.
Sarah
(aside to audience) And by the look in his eyes, his cat’s not the only one.
Fitzwarren
(to Dick) What is your name young man?
Dick
‘Dick Whittington, sir’! And I’ve come to London to seek my fortune! (thigh-slap) But I could do with a job to get me started.
Fitzwarren
Then I might be able to help you. My shop is over-run with rats, and I will happily employ and your cat to get rid of them.
Dick
We’ll take the job, sir.
Alice
(pleased) I do hope you’ll like working here, Dick.
Dick
I’m sure I will, Miss…?
Alice
Alice…Alice Fitzwarren.
Fitzwarren
And I’m her father, Alderman Fitzwarren.
Dick
(shaking his hand) Pleased to meet you, sir.
Fitzwarren
Alice, take Dick inside and show him the ropes.
Alice
Yes, father. (to Dick) Come with me, Dick.
Alice, Dick and Tommy exit into the shop.
Sarah
(to Fitzwarren) I don’t suppose you have any jobs going, for a hard-working, conscientious and eager young lady, have you?
Fitzwarren
I might have. (looking about) Where is she?
Sarah
It’s me, you silly shopkeeper!
Fitzwarren
Well I am looking for a new cook. Tell me, are you experienced?
Sarah
Yes, and I’m a good cook as well. My soup will make you cock-a-hoop. My cottage pie will gladden your eye. And my onion tart will make you…come back for more.
Fitzwarren
Sounds wonderful.
Sarah
But I won’t work for less than £10 an hour.
Fitzwarren
(exclaims) £10 an hour! Can’t you go any lower?
Sarah
(deep manly voice) £10 an hour. ls that low enough?
Fitzwarren
I’ll pay you minimum wage.
Sarah
Done! (hoikes and spits on her hand, grabs his hand and shakes it)
Fitzwarren
(looks at his hand, grimaces and wipes it on his jacket) I also have another job going. But it’s a more unusual position.
Sarah
I’m used to unusual positions. (pressing against him suggestively) Tell me more.
Fitzwarren
I require a cook to sail with us to Morocco, and see to the needs of the whole crew.
Sarah
(preening her hair) I think I can manage that.
Fitzwarren
But you’ll need a strong stomach, because you might get tossed about quite a bit.
Sarah
I’m used to being tossed about. I used to work as a product-tester, for a bouncy-castle manufacturer.
Fitzwarren
I must warn you. The ship is full of lusty sailors, who haven’t seen a woman in months.
Sarah
(quickly) Where do I sign?
Fitzwarren
Come inside and I’ll take down your particulars.
Sarah
(knowingly to audience) Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse.
They exit into the shop.
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