Dick Whittington And The Caribbean Pirates (Perusal)

Scene One

Old London Town

Music cue 3: Londoners. After song ends…They gather in groups and chat.

Dick enters (SR) with Tommy.

Dick

So this is London, Tommy. The city where we’ll make our fortune. (thigh-slap)

Tommy

Meeow! (rubs stomach)

Dick

Yes, I’m hungry as well Tommy. It’s been a long walk from Gloucester.

Chorus gather around Dick and Tommy.

Chorus 1

(to Dick) You’ve walked all the way from Gloucester?

Dick

Yes. (to audience) Well they don’t have public transport in the 14th century.

Chorus 2

Well now you’re here. Welcome to London! (shakes hand)

Chorus 3

(offers Dick a Snickers Bar) Here my friend, have a Snickers.

Dick

(takes the Snickers) Why, thank you! But what about Tommy? He’s hungry too.

A rat on string zips across stage, Tommy pounces and catches it.

Chorus 4

With all these rats around, this little fella will never go Hungry.

Chorus 5

And the more rats he eats, the better for us Londoners.

Sarah enters (SL)

Sarah

(to audience) Hello right-side! Hello left-side! Hello front-side! Hello back…well, you know what you are. My name is Sarah. I’m sorry if I’m a bit late, but it takes me a little time to make myself look as good as this.

Chorus 1

That’s true. (to audience) She started in Sept.

Sarah

(snaps) How would you like a kick up the Old Kent Road?

Chorus 2

(Dick) Come with us, and we’ll show you around London?

Dick

Thanks! (to Tommy) Come along Tommy.

Chorus exit (SR) with Dick and Tommy.

Sarah

(to audience) And now we’re alone. (poses) How do you think I look? (audience respond) Who said fat? I’ll have you know I’m on a diet. Actually I’m on two diets. Well you don’t get enough food with just one, do you? (laughs) Anyway I’ve come down to London because of my son, Jack. You see he emigrated here from Yorkshire, and I want to check that he’s all right. I’m the only person he’s got, you see. (elicit audience sympathy) I lost my husband in a tragic accident. He fell down a wishing well. Which came as a complete surprise to me. I didn’t realise those things actually worked. Mind you, he always was a big let-down. (laughs) Well? Let-down? Oh, never mind. Here, I wonder what the men are like in London. I’ll just have a look around. (scans audience or leaves the stage and goes amongst them. To man in audience) Well hello, handsome. (to another man) Ooh! And you’re even more handsome. (reacts as if to an ugly man) Evening. (returning to stage) Now if you’ll excuse me, I must just use the little girls’ room. Only on the way here, I had a couple of shandies in…(name of local pub)…and it’s going right through me. See you in a mo. (crouches, and runs off SL)

Music cue 4: Jack and Doris enter (SR) being dragged on by empty dog leads. They ‘work’ the ‘invisible’ dogs as they speak.

Jack

Ey up, kids! (audience respond)

Doris

(to audience) Oh, I’m sure you can do better than that.

Two Chorus Member enter (SL)

Doris

(to Chorus members) Here, hold our dogs a minute will you.

The Chorus Members take the leads and look at them bemused, but keep working them nonetheless.

Jack

My name’s Jack. But most people call me, ‘Idle Jack’. I don’t know why, ‘cos I do work…sometimes.

Doris

And I’m his beautiful girlfriend, Doris. But most people call me ‘Dozy Doris’.

Jack

Well I don’t think that’s very fair, Doris. After all, you were clever enough to go out with me.

Doris

(aside to audience) It was after that, when people started calling me ‘Dozy’ Doris.

Jack

(to audience) Now in order to make sure you’re all paying attention, we’re going to have a little competition. So whenever I shout ‘ey up, lads’! I want my side…(points at his side of audience)…to shout ‘ey up Jack’!

Doris    

And whenever I shout ‘hello, girls’, I want my side…(points at her side of audience)…to shout ‘hello, Doris’. Let’s try it then.

Jack

(to his side) Ey up, lads! (audience respond)

Doris

(to her side) Hello, girls! (audience respond)

Jack

(to audience, hands on hips) Did you do it then?

Doris

Well my side did. Yours were rubbish.

Jack

All right, we’ll try it again and I’ll prove that my side are the best. (to audience) Ey up, lads! (audience respond) Fantastic! (to Doris) Beat that.

Doris

Easy-peasy. (to audience) Hello, girls! (audience respond) Brilliant! (to Jack) I think that proves that my side were the best.

Jack

Oh no, they weren’t!

Doris

(encouraging audience to join in) Oh yes, they were!

Sarah enters (SL) and spots Jack.

Sarah

Jack!

Jack

(turns) Mum! What are you doing here?

Sarah
I was worried about you, Jack. I’ve heard there are lots of sailors in London, all frustrated and wanton. (aside to audience) And I know just what they’re a-wantin’.

Jack

You don’t have to worry about me, mum. I never go near the docks.

Sarah

(dryly) I wasn’t thinking about you, Jack.

Jack

Mum, I’d like you to meet Doris.

Doris

Pleased to meet you, Mrs Jack. (does awkward curtsey)

Jack

Doris is my girlfriend.

Sarah

(double take) Girlfriend? Well I never did! Well…(looks at Jack)…once maybe. Anyway Jack, how are you doing in London?

Jack

I’m doing fine thanks, mum.

Sarah

And have you managed to get yourself a nice little job?

Jack

Yes, mum. I work in a big store, and I sometimes help Doris with her dog-walking.

Doris

(to Chorus) Thank you for looking after the dogs, for us. (takes leads back)

Chorus Members exit (SR) shaking their heads and giggling.

Doris is working the leads.

Sarah

(examining the leads) But, there’s nothing there!

Jack

That’s because they’re virtual pets.

Sarah

And you’re both virtually daft.

Doris

If people are willing to pay me to walk their virtual pets, then who’s the daft ones.

Sarah

(to audience) I’d like a job like that. Getting paid for doing virtually nothing.

Alderman Fitzwarren and Alice enter (SL)

Jack

Good morning, Mr Fitzwarren!

Doris

Good morning Alice!

Alice

Hello you two!

Jack

(introducing Sarah) This is my mother, Sarah.

Fitzwarren

(to Sarah) Pleased to meet you, I’m sure.

Alice

(to Sarah) And what brings you to London?

Sarah

I wanted to make sure that my Jack wasn’t being exploited by some nasty, Fagan-type employer.

Jack

(introducing her to Fitzwarren) Mum, this is Mr Fitzwarren – my employer.

Sarah

(posh voice) Oooh! One is pleased to meet one. Jack speaks very highly of you.

Doris

He’s an Alderman.

Sarah

(walking her fingers up Fitzwarren’s arm) I much prefer an older man. They have so much more…experience.

Fitzwarren

(removing her hand) Not as much of you, I’ll wager. (to Jack) Now then Jack. If you ever decide to start work today, the first thing I want you to do, is the stocktaking.

Jack

Yes, Mr Fitzwarren. I’ll just help Doris take these dogs back to their owners first. (takes an empty lead from Doris) Let’s go Doris.

Doris

(to empty leads) Walkies!

Doris and Jack are both are ‘dragged’ off (SL) by the invisible dogs.

Fitzwarren

I hope you’re all packed and ready to go on our big sea voyage tomorrow, Alice.

Alice

Yes, father.

Sarah

Oooh! Going anywhere nice?

Alice

Morocco.

Sarah

‘Morocco’! That’s abroad, isn’t it?

Fitzwarren

(sarcastic) Well obviously. Why else would we be going on a sea voyage?

Sarah

And why are you going to Morocco, if you don’t mind me asking?

Fitzwarren

Dates.

Sarah

(pressing against him) Why go halfway round the world, when you can pick up a date right here?

Fitzwarren

(pushing her away) I’m picking up a cargo of dates for my shop.

Sarah

Oh, I see. I don’t like those sort. They stick in me teeth, and I have to get them out with a wire-brush.

Tommy enters (SR) with a mouthful of dead rats.

Alice

Look, father! This clever cat has caught all these rats!

Fitzwarren

I wish I had a cat like that, to guard my shop against all those thieving rats.

Dick runs on (SR) and goes up to Tommy.

Dick

There you are, Tommy! (checking out the dead rats) Look at you go. At this rate London will soon be rat free.

Fitzwarren

Is this your cat, young man?

Dick

Yes, sir. His name’s Tommy, and he’s the best rat-catcher in the whole of England.

Alice

(strokes cat) He certainly is a lovely pussy.

Dick

(to Alice) He seems to like you.

Sarah

(aside to audience) And by the look in his eyes, his cat’s not the only one.

Fitzwarren

(to Dick) What is your name young man?

Dick

‘Dick Whittington, sir’! And I’ve come to London to seek my fortune! (thigh-slap) But I could do with a job to get me started.

Fitzwarren

Then I might be able to help you. My shop is over-run with rats, and I will happily employ and your cat to get rid of them.

Dick

We’ll take the job, sir.

Alice

(pleased) I do hope you’ll like working here, Dick.

Dick

I’m sure I will, Miss…?

Alice

Alice…Alice Fitzwarren.

Fitzwarren

And I’m her father, Alderman Fitzwarren.

Dick

(shaking his hand) Pleased to meet you, sir.

Fitzwarren

Alice, take Dick inside and show him the ropes.

Alice

Yes, father. (to Dick) Come with me, Dick.

Alice, Dick and Tommy exit into the shop.

Sarah

(to Fitzwarren) I don’t suppose you have any jobs going, for a hard-working, conscientious and eager young lady, have you?

Fitzwarren

I might have. (looking about) Where is she?

Sarah

It’s me, you silly shopkeeper!

Fitzwarren

Well I am looking for a new cook. Tell me, are you experienced?

Sarah

Yes, and I’m a good cook as well. My soup will make you cock-a-hoop. My cottage pie will gladden your eye.  And my onion tart will make you…come back for more.

Fitzwarren

Sounds wonderful.

Sarah

But I won’t work for less than £10 an hour.

Fitzwarren

(exclaims) £10 an hour! Can’t you go any lower?

Sarah

(deep manly voice) £10 an hour. ls that low enough?

Fitzwarren

I’ll pay you minimum wage.

Sarah

Done! (hoikes and spits on her hand, grabs his hand and shakes it)

Fitzwarren

(looks at his hand, grimaces and wipes it on his jacket) I also have another job going. But it’s a more unusual position.

Sarah

I’m used to unusual positions. (pressing against him suggestively) Tell me more.

Fitzwarren

I require a cook to sail with us to Morocco, and see to the needs of the whole crew.

Sarah

(preening her hair) I think I can manage that.

Fitzwarren

But you’ll need a strong stomach, because you might get tossed about quite a bit.

Sarah

I’m used to being tossed about. I used to work as a product-tester, for a bouncy-castle manufacturer.

Fitzwarren

I must warn you. The ship is full of lusty sailors, who haven’t seen a woman in months.

Sarah

(quickly) Where do I sign?

Fitzwarren

Come inside and I’ll take down your particulars.

Sarah

(knowingly to audience) Now there’s an offer I can’t refuse.

They exit into the shop.