Scene One
Old London Town
Curtains open on a busy street-market scene, set in front of a backdrop of old London with St Paul’s Cathedral in the centre. Fitzwarren’s shop front is (USR) and a pub with a sign reading ‘The Old Vic’ is (USL) Stalls are set on stage and a Chorus of Shoppers move between them. Music cue 1: Alice & Shoppers. After song ends…
Alice
(finishes talking to a Stallholder and they both laugh as she walks away. Notices audience) Oh, hello! I’m Alice Fitzwarren! How do you do? Welcome to London town. I love it here you know. Every day is so exciting, and you never know what’s just around the corner.
Chorus 1
(to audience) But it’s usually a rat.
Alice
Well I will admit that London does have a bit of a rat problem.
Chorus 2
(incredulous) A ‘bit’ of a problem?
Chorus 3
We’re overrun with them!
Fitzwarren enters (DSR)
Fitzwarren
Good morning everyone!
Chorus
Good morning, Alderman Fitzwarren!
Alice
Good morning father.
Fitzwarren
Good morning Alice.
Music cue 2: Rats run on (SL) and chase Chorus off (SR) screaming.
Alice
It’s about time someone did something about London’s rat problem, father.
Fitzwarren
I agree Alice. Let’s just hope that the new Lord Mayor sorts it out. Now have you been getting organised, ready for our trip to Morocco tomorrow?
Alice
Yes, father.
Fitzwarren
Good. And have you seen Sally this morning?
Alice
I think I saw her in the kitchen earlier. I’ll just go and find her for you. (exits USR)
Fitzwarren
(to audience) Oh, hello. I’m Alderman Fitzwarren and…(pointing)…that’s my shop just there. And it’s stocked with all kinds of exotic goods. I travel the world to find them, and I’m about to embark on a trip to Morocco to bring back several barrels of dates. (wistful) I wouldn’t mind a date myself actually. You see I lost my wife five years ago. (audience ‘aaah’) No she isn’t dead. She just ran off with someone younger, richer and more handsome. Personally, I can’t see what she saw in him. But at least I still have my beautiful daughter Alice, for comfort.
Music cue 3: Sally enters (SL)
Sally
(to audience) Hello everybody! At last a bit of class has arrived!
Fitzwarren
(looking past her) Where?
Sally
It’s me, you silly Alderman! Honestly, not many employers can boast that they have the best cook in London.
Fitzwarren
I know. (aside to audience) And I’m one of them.
Sally
Well, aren’t you going to introduce me to this lot…(indicates audience)…then?
Fitzwarren
Oh, very well. (to audience) This is Sally Forth, my cook. Although I use the term ‘cook’ advisedly.
Sally
Well, ‘celebrity chef’ would be more in keeping with my culinary standing.
Fitzwarren
(to audience) Most people stand well back when she’s cooking. (to Sally) I’m just off inside to check on things, Sally. (waves to audience) Cheerio! (exits into shop)
Sally
(calling after him) And cheerio to you too! (to audience) Hello boys and girls! (audience respond) I said, ‘hello boys and girls’! (audience respond) That’s better. Now I like to make things nice and friendly around here. So every time I come on and shout ‘hello boys and girls’. I want you to all shout back ‘hello Sally’! Will you do that for me? (audience respond) Fantastic! Let’s try it shall we. (exits and re-enters until satisfied) That was wonderful! Now who would like a boiled sweet? (audience respond) Oh, quite a lot of you. Well I’m afraid I only have the one, so you’ll just have to share. (produces a sweet and gives it to a person on the front row) There you are, dear. Just give it a suck and then pass it on. Well I’d love to chat some more, but I have to go and get thAlderman’s breakfast ready. I’m doing him cornflakes in ketchup, followed by bacon and banana omelette. I’ve also got a turkey to get in the oven. I’ve got it plucked and stuffed, and now it just needs killing. Bye then, see you all later! (exits into shop)
Dick enters (SR) with Puss.
Dick
London at last, Puss! It seems like we only left Gloucester five minutes ago, and we’re here already.
Puss
(dryly) We must have encountered some sort of time-warp, on the way. It’s just as well though, ‘cos my poor paws are red-raw, and this suitcase weighs a ton.
Dick
My feet are killing me also, Puss. I have blisters on my blisters. But it’ll all be worth it, now that we’ve reached the town where the streets are paved with gold.
Puss
So you keep saying. Personally, I can’t help thinking that you’re deluding yourself.
Dick
Then let’s ask the boys and girls what they think. (to audience) Do you believe the streets of London are paved with gold, boys and girls? (audience respond)
Puss
You see? They don’t believe in something as ridiculous as that either.
Dick
I don’t see why not. They seem quite happy to believe in a talking cat.
Puss
And why shouldn’t they? Humans are always talking to their pets, so we’re bound to pick it up eventually. (preens) Well, the clever ones amongst us anyway.
Dick
Well if they can believe in talking cats, they can believe in streets paved with gold.
Music cue 4: King Rat enters (SL)
King Rat
(to audience) Shaddup you lot! (pointing around the audience) I hate you! And you! And you! But most of all, I hate…(turns to Dick)…you!
Dick
(shocked) Me! But I don’t even know you!
King Rat
Then allow me to introduce myself. (dramatically) I, am King Rat!
Dick
King Rat?
King Rat
That’s what I just said, cloth-ears! My rat subjects are everywhere. In the dustbins, under the floorboards, in the drains. We’re even in the kitchens here at…(current theatre) So I wouldn’t eat anything that looks like it contains raisins if I were you.
Dick
Thanks for the warning. But why do you hate me when we’ve never met before?
King Rat
Because you have a cat, and I hate cats and anyone who owns them. (pointing at Puss) And yours is a particularly mangy specimen.
Puss
How dare you! I lick myself from tip to toe every morning.
King Rat
(to audience) And they call us rats, ‘disgusting’.
Dick
You want to watch it, you know. Puss here is the best rat-catcher in the business, and he could gobble you up in a flash.
King Rat
(sarcastically) Oh, meow. I’m really scared. Look, my knees are knocking. I’d advise you to head back to the sticks, and take your smelly cat with you. Before I destroy you both! (laughs and exits SL)
Dick
(picking up his case) That’s it Puss, we’re heading back to Gloucester.
Puss
Suits me. I never wanted to come here in the first place.
They go to exit (SR)
Music cue 5: Bowbelles enters (SR) and Dick and Puss halt in their tracks.
Bowbelles
Stop right there, Dick Whittington!
Dick
How did you know my name?
Bowbelles
(pointing to his suitcase) It says so on your luggage.
Dick
Oh, yeah. So who are you then?
Bowbelles
I’m Fairy Bowbelles, and I’m here to help you realise your dream.
Dick
You’re going to help me win the lottery?
Bowbelles
No Dick, I’m going to help you become Lord Mayor.
Dick
Of Gloucester? Great!
Bowbelles
No dick, London.
Dick
Even better! Will I get to wear one of those funny hats?
Puss
I think it’s part of the job, master.
Dick
Fair enough. But how can I become Mayor of London? I’m just a poor country boy.
Bowbelles
Don’t put yourself down, Dick. We live an era of equal opportunities. Besides, I can work a little fairy magic if necessary. (cocks an ear) Listen! Can you hear that?
Dick
(listens) I can’t hear a thing.
Puss
Me neither. And everybody knows that cats hear everything.
Bowbelles
(pulls Dick’s ear) Listen harder.
Dick
Owah!
SFX: Bells chime.
Bowbelles
Now can you hear it?
Dick
Oh yeah, I can hear it now. What is it?
Bowbelles
It’s the sound of Bow Bells. They’re saying, ‘turn again Dick Whittington, turn again’.
Dick
Are they? All I can hear is, ‘bing-bong, bing-bong’.
Bowbelles
Look, just take my word for it will you. They’re definitely saying, ‘turn again Dick Whittington’.
Dick
And if I do, I’ll definitely become Lord Mayor of London?
Bowbelles
Cross my heart and hope to fly. (giggles) Just a little fairy joke there.
Dick
All right then, I’ll stay.
Bowbelles
You won’t regret it Dick, believe me. I’ll catch you later then. (exits SR)
Puss
So aren’t we going back to Gloucester now?
Dick
No Puss, we’re going to stay right here in London.
Puss
(to audience) It’s amazing what a whiff of power does to some people, isn’t it?
Dick
I’ve heard that there are lots of juicy rats in London’s sewers, Puss.
Puss
Well I hope it wasn’t from the same person, who told you that the streets were paved with gold.
Dick
Even if they’re not, London is still a wonderful place. The sights, the sounds…
Puss
…The smells. (holds his nose)
Dick
All the women are so cheerful, with their cries of ‘how about it dearie’! And the men are so keen to carry my pack, I have to keep running after them and snatching it back. And don’t forget what that fairy said. One day I’ll be Lord Mayor of London.
Puss
Yes, well you’ll have to get elected first. I’ll just ask the audience what they think. (to audience) Who thinks Dick will become Lord Mayor of London? (audience respond)
Dick
You see? Even they think I will.
Puss
(to audience) Have some of you seen this panto before?
Dick
But while I’m waiting to become Mayor, I’m going to need a proper job to keep us in food and lodgings. (looks around) I wonder if The Queen Vic needs any bar staff.
Puss
I wouldn’t advise working there, master.
Dick
Why not?
Puss
Well in the latest storyline, they discover one of the new bar staff drowned in a barrel of best bitter. And I know you don’t like bitter.
Dick
That’s true. I’ll forget that then.
Puss
Very wise, master.
Alice enters (SR)
Dick
(spots Alice) Look at that girl over there, Puss! Gosh she’s beautiful. In fact, I think I’m in love.
Puss
That’s a bit quick isn’t it?
Dick
This is panto, Puss. We haven’t got time for long courtships.
Puss
Fair do’s. Why don’t you go and talk to her, then?
Dick
I can’t do that!
Puss
Why not? Cat got your tongue? (laughs to audience) ‘Cat got your tongue’? Oh, please yourselves.
Dick
I can’t talk to her, because she looks like a rich lady and I’m just a poor country boy.
Puss
You humans really ought to sort out your class hang-ups. Us cats don’t stand on ceremony when it comes to wooing the opposite sex.
Dick
I know. I hear them every night outside my bedroom window.
Alice
(crosses to Dick) Hello! You’re new here aren’t you?
Dick
Yes. How did you guess?
Alice
(pointing) Well that London Tourist Guide sticking out from your top pocket, is a bit of a giveaway. (looking at Puss) Your cat is very sweet.
Dick
(sighs) And so are you.
Alice
Thank you. I’m Alice, by the way. Alice Fitzwarren.
Dick
Pleased to meet you Alice. I’m Dick Whittington. (indicating Puss) And this is Puss.
Alice
(to Puss) Hello Puss. (to Dick) Can I stroke him?
Dick
Yes, if you like.
Alice
(strokes Puss) My, what lovely soft fur you have.
Puss
Yes, well don’t crease it dear. It took me hours to lick it into shape.
Alice
(steps back amazed) Goodness! You can talk!
Puss
Well I’d be a pretty dull cat if I didn’t.
Alice
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any offence. It’s just that I’ve never heard a cat talk before.
Puss
Well I’m not like other cats. I’m a one-off.
Dick
Puss here was the best rat-catcher in Gloucester. Isn’t that so, Puss?
Puss
(false modesty) Well I don’t like to brag, master.
Dick
(to Alice) Wiped them all out he did…every last one.
Alice
(to Puss) We could do with you doing that here, Puss. London is overrun with rats.
Puss
Yes, well I’ll think about it. (to audience) It’s a tough life being a celebrity, you know. The request for paw prints, the awards ceremonies. The paparazzi following me everywhere.
Alice
(to Dick) So where are you both staying?
Dick
Nowhere as yet. We’ve only just arrived in London and I need to find myself a job first. Do you know where I can find one?
Alice
Well my father might give you a job in his shop…(indicates the shop)…here, if I put in a good word for you.
Dick
Would you do that for me?
Alice
Of course I will Dick.
Dick
That’s very kind of you Alice.
Alice
Would you like me to show you around London, first?
Dick
I’d like that, thank you. (to Puss) Let’s go Puss.
Puss
You go ahead master. I’ll just check out the local feline talent, and catch you later.
Dick
Okay Puss.
Puss exits (SL)
Alice
This way, Dick.
They exit (SR)
Sally enters from the shop followed by Fitzwarren, who is holding his tummy.
Sally
(to audience) Hello boys and girls! (audience respond) That was wonderful!
Fitzwarren
Which is more than can be said for your cooking.
Sally
Didn’t you like your breakfast then?
Fitzwarren
No, I did not! Whoever heard of cornflakes in ketchup? Why can’t you do some plain food for a change?
Sally
Listen mate. I’m a creative cook, I am. If you wanted someone to do boring food, you should’ve employed Mary Berry.
Fitzwarren
Well it might’ve been cheaper than spending a fortune on indigestion tablets. So what are we having for dinner then?
Sally
Liver in custard, followed by jam roly-poly in beef gravy.
Fitzwarren covers his mouth and rushes off.
SFX: Loud ding.
Sally
(to audience) Excuse me, I must go and check on my chocolate mousse. It’s made with real moose you know. Bye! (exits into shop)
Londoners enter (SR) and wander across the stage.
Music cue 6: King Rat enters (SL) and chases Londoners around stage, before they exit in a panic.
King Rat
(shouts) And that’s just a taste of what’s in store for you! (to audience) So, Dick Whittington has decided to ignore my warning about leaving London, with his smelly cat. Well, he’s going to regret his decision. I will enjoy destroying them both, as well as terrorising the whole of London with my rats. (calls) Enter my subjects!
Music cue 7: Rats enter from the back of the auditorium and make their way to the stage, taunting the audience as they go. King Rat can move to one side or join in the following routine. Music cue 8: Rats. After song ends…
King Rat
(to audience) Aren’t they sweet? (audience respond) Oh yes, they are! (the usual routine – until…) Don’t worry, you’ll soon learn to love them. Ha-ha-ha! (to Rats) Come my darlings! (exits SL with the Rats)
Music cue 9: Bowbelles enters (SR)
Bowbelles
Dick is in London and he’s here to stay,
And King Rat won’t get his evil way.
Now this is where it gets really exciting,
With lots of suspense and a little fighting.
King Rat and his vermin belong in the bins,
And I’ll make sure that our hero wins. (exits)
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