Dick Whittington And His Magical Cat (Perusal)

Scene One

Old London Town

Curtains open on a busy street-market scene. Fitzwarren’s shop front is (USR) and has a practical door. Music cue 1: Alice and Chorus. After song ends…

Alice (to audience) Hello there! I’m Alice Fitzwarren. How do you do? Welcome to old London town. Where every day is an exciting adventure, and you never know what’s just around the corner.

Chorus 1 But it’s usually a rat.

Alice I must admit that London does have a bit of a rat problem.

Chorus 2 A bit of a problem!

Chorus 3 We’re overrun with them, Alice!

Enter Fitzwarren (SR)

Fitzwarren Good morning everyone!

Chorus Good morning, Alderman Fitzwarren!

Alice Good morning father.

Fitzwarren Good morning Alice.

Music cue 2: Enter Rats at a run (SL) they chase Chorus off (SR) screaming.

Alice Something needs doing about London’s rat problem, father.

Fitzwarren I agree Alice. Let’s hope the new Mayor sorts it out. Now, have you got everything ready for our trip to Morocco tomorrow?

Alice Yes, father.

Fitzwarren Good. And have you seen Sally this morning?

Alice I saw her earlier, in the kitchen. I’ll just go and find her for you. (exits into shop)

Fitzwarren (to audience) Hello there. I’m Alderman Fitzwarren, and that’s my shop just there. It’s stocked with all kinds of exotic goods from all over the world. And I’m about to embark on a trip to Morocco, to bring back a shipload of dates. Actually, I wouldn’t mind a date myself. You see, I lost my wife five years ago. (response) No, she isn’t dead. She just ran off with somebody younger, richer and more handsome. Personally, I can’t see what she saw in him. But at least I still have my beautiful daughter Alice, for comfort.

Music cue 3: Enter Sally from shop.

Sally Hello boys and girls! At last a bit of class has arrived!

Fitzwarren (looking past her) Where?

Sally It’s me, you silly Alderman! Honestly, not many employers can boast that they employ the best cook in London.

Fitzwarren Yes, and I’m one of them.

Sally Aren’t you going to introduce me to this lot…(indicates audience)…then?

Fitzwarren Oh, very well. (to audience) This is Sally Forth, my cook. Although I use the term cook advisedly.

Sally I suppose celebrity chef, would be more in keeping with my culinary credentials.

Fitzwarren I’ve never even seen your credentials.

Sally Play your cards right and I might show you them later.

Fitzwarren Don’t bother. I’ll take your word for it. I’m off inside to check on my stock. (waves to audience) Cheerio, everyone! (exits into shop)

Sally (to audience) Now he’s gone, we can get properly acquainted, boys and girls, Now then, I like to make things nice and friendly. So, every time I come on and shout, hello boys and girls! I want you to all shout back, hello Sally! Will you do that for me? (response) I couldn’t make it much simpler, now could I? Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Hello boys and girls! Wonderful! Now who would like a boiled sweet? I’m afraid I only have the one, so you’ll have to share. (produces a sweet and gives it to person on the front row) There you are, dear. Give it a suck and then pass it on. I’d love to stay and chat, but I must go and get the Alderman’s breakfast ready. I’m doing him cornflakes in ketchup, followed by bacon and banana omelette. I also have a turkey to get in the oven for lunch. I’ve got it plucked and stuffed, and now it just needs killing. Bye! (exits into shop)

Enter Dick and Puss (SR)

Dick Well Puss, here we are. London Town. It seems like we only left Gloucester five minutes ago.

Puss That’s panto for you.

Dick I think we must have encountered some sort of time-warp, on the way.

Puss Yes, that must be it. It’s just as well though, because my poor paws are red raw.

Dick My feet are killing me also, Puss. I have blisters on my blisters. But it’ll all be worth it, now that we’ve reached the town where the streets are paved with gold.

Puss So, you keep saying. Personally, I can’t help thinking that you’re delusional.

Dick I’ll ask the audience what they think. Boys and girls! Do you believe the streets of London are paved with gold?

Puss You see? They don’t believe in something as ridiculous as that either.

Dick I don’t see why not. They seem quite happy to believe in a talking cat.

Puss And why shouldn’t they? Humans are always talking to their pets, so we’re bound to pick it up eventually. (preens) The clever ones amongst us anyway.

Music cue 4: Enter King Rat (SL)

King Rat (to audience) Shaddup, you lot! (pointing around audience) I hate you! And you! And you! But most of all, I hate…(points at Dick)…you!

Dick Me! But I don’t even know you!

King Rat Then allow me to introduce myself. I am King Rat!

Dick King Rat?

King Rat That’s what I just said, cloth-ears! My rat subjects are everywhere. In the dustbins, under the floorboards, in the drains. We’re even in the kitchens here at…(current theatre) So I wouldn’t eat anything that looks like it contains raisins, if I were you.

Dick Thanks for the warning. But why do you hate me when we’ve never met before?

King Rat Because you have a cat, and I hate cats and anybody who owns them. (glancing at Puss) And yours is a particularly mangy specimen.

Puss How dare you! I lick myself from tip to toe every morning.

King Rat (to audience) And they call us rats, disgusting.

Dick You want to watch it, you know. Puss here is the best rat-catcher in the business. He could gobble you up in a flash.

King Rat Oh, meow! I’m really scared. I’d advise you to head back to the sticks and take your smelly cat with you. Before I destroy you both! (turns and exits SL)

Dick (picking up his case) Come on Puss, we’re heading back to Gloucester.

Puss Suits me. I never wanted to come here in the first place.

Music cue 5: Enter Bowbells (SR)

Bowbells Stop right there, Dick Whittington!

Dick How did you know my name?

Bowbells It’s written on the side of your suitcase.

Dick Oh, yeah. And who are you then?

Bowbells I’m Fairy Bowbells, and I’m here to help you realise your dream.

Dick You’re going to help me win the lottery?

Bowbells No, Dick. I’m going to help you become Lord Mayor.

Dick Of Gloucester? Great!

Bowbells No, Dick. London.

Dick Even better! Will I get to wear one of those funny hats?

Puss I think it comes with the job, master.

Dick Cool! But how can I become Lord Mayor of London? I’m just a poor country boy.

Bowbells We live an era of equal opportunities, Dick. I can also work a little fairy magic if necessary. (cocks an ear) Listen! Can you hear that?

Dick (listens) I can’t hear anything.

Bowbells (pulls Dick’s ear making his head tip over) Listen harder.

Dick Owah!

SFX: Bells chime.

Bowbells Now can you hear it?

Dick Oh yeah, I can hear it now. What is it?

Bowbells It’s the sound of Bow Bells. They’re saying, turn again Dick Whittington, turn again.

Dick Are they? All I can hear is, bing-bong, bing-bong.

Bowbells Look, just take my word for it will you?

Dick And if I do, turn again. I’ll become Lord Mayor of London?

Bowbells Cross my heart and hope to fly. (giggles) Just a little fairy joke there.

Dick All right then, I’ll do it.

Bowbells You won’t regret it Dick, believe me. I’ll catch you later then. (exits SR)

Puss Aren’t we going back to Gloucester now?

Dick No Puss. We’re going to stay right here in London.

Puss (to audience) It’s amazing what a whiff of power does to some people, isn’t it?

Dick I’ve heard there are lots of juicy rats in London’s sewers, Puss.

Puss I hope it wasn’t from the same person, who told you the streets were paved with gold.

Dick London is such a wonderful place, Puss. The sights, the sounds…

Puss…The smells. (holds his nose)

Dick All the women are so cheerful, with their cries of, how about it dearie! And the men are so keen to carry my case, I have to keep running after them and snatching it back. And don’t forget what that fairy said. One day I’ll be Lord Mayor of London.

Puss Personally, I’m not convinced.

Dick (to audience) Who believes I’ll become Lord Mayor of London? They all seem to think I will, Puss

Puss (to audience) Have some of you seen this panto before? So, when are we going to dig up all this gold you keep telling me about?

Dick Just as soon as I get a pick and shovel and a big wheelbarrow. But first money, I’ll need a job to get the money to buy them. I wonder if The Queen Vic needs bar staff.

Puss I wouldn’t advise working there, master.

Dick Why not?

Puss In the latest storyline, they discover one of the new bar staff drowned in a barrel of best bitter. And I know you don’t like bitter.

Dick I’ll forget that then.

Puss Very wise, master.

Enter Alice from shop.

Dick Look at that girl over there, Puss! Gosh she’s beautiful. In fact, I think I’m in love.

Puss That’s a bit quick isn’t it?

Dick This is panto, Puss. We don’t have time for long courtships.

Puss Fair do’s. Why don’t you go and talk to her, then?

Dick I can’t do that!

Puss Why not? Cat got your tongue? (laughs to audience) Cat got your tongue? Oh, please yourselves.

Dick I can’t talk to her, because she looks like a rich lady and I’m just a poor country boy.

Puss You humans really ought to sort out your class-based hang-ups. Us cats don’t stand on ceremony when it comes to wooing the opposite sex.

Dick I know. I hear them every night outside my bedroom window.

Alice (to Dick) Hello there! You’re new here, aren’t you?

Dick Yes. How did you guess?AliceThat London Tourist Guide sticking out from your top pocket, is a bit of a giveaway. (looking at Puss) Your cat is very sweet.

Dick (sighs longingly) And so are you.

Alice Thank you. I’m Alice, by the way.

Dick Pleased to meet you Alice. I’m Dick, and this is Puss.

Alice Hello Puss. (to Dick) Can I stroke him?

Dick Yes, if you like.

Alice (strokes Puss) My, what lovely soft fur you have.

Puss Yes, well don’t crease it dear. It took me hours to lick it into shape.

Alice Goodness! You can talk!

Puss I’d be a pretty dull cat if I didn’t.

Alice I’m sorry, I didn’t mean any offence. It’s just that I’ve never heard a cat talk before.

Puss I’m not like other cats. I’m a one-off.

Dick Puss here was the best rat-catcher in Gloucester. Isn’t that so, Puss?

Puss I don’t like to brag master, but yes. (to Alice) Wiped them all out I did, every last one.

Alice We could do with you doing that here, Puss. London is overrun with rats.

Puss I’ll think about it. (to audience) It’s a tough life being a celebrity, you know. The request for paw prints, the awards ceremonies. Paparazzi following me everywhere.

Alice Where are you both staying, Dick?

Dick Nowhere yet. We’ve only just arrived in London, and I need to find myself a job first. Then I’m going to buy some tools and dig up lots of gold.

Alice Gold?

Dick Apparently, the streets here are paved with the stuff.

Alice What idiot told you that?

Dick It was…Puss. Cats are very gullible creatures, you know.

Puss You’re having a laugh, aren’t you?

Alice And you believed him, Dick?

Dick No, of course not! But he threatened to leave me if I didn’t bring him to London.

Puss I might just do that now.

Alice My father might give you a job in his shop, if I put in a good word for you.

Dick Would you do that for me?

Alice Of course, Dick.

Dick That’s very kind of you Alice.

Alice Would you like me to show you around London, first?

Dick I’d like that, very much. Come on Puss.

Puss You go ahead master. I’ll check out the local felines and catch you later. (exits SL)

Alice This way Dick.

Exit Alice and Dick (SR)

Enter Sally and Fitzwarren from the shop.

Sally Hello boys and girls! (response) That was wonderful!

Fitzwarren Which is more than can be said for your cooking.

Sally Didn’t you like your breakfast then?

Fitzwarren No, I didn’t! Whoever heard of cornflakes in ketchup? Why can’t you do some plain food for a change?

Sally Listen mate. I’m a creative cook, I am. If you wanted somebody to do plain food, you should have employed Mary Berry. (or current female TV chef)

Fitzwarren It might’ve been cheaper than spending a fortune on indigestion tablets. And what are we having for dinner?

Sally Liver in custard, followed by jam roly-poly in beef gravy.

Fitzwarren (gags) Gaaah! (covers his mouth and exits into shop)

SFX: Microwave ding.

Sally I must go and check on my microwaveable chocolate mousse. It’s made with real moose you know. Bye! (exits into shop)

King Rat So, that stupid Dick Whittington has decided to ignore my warning about leaving London, with his smelly cat. Well, he’ll soon regret his decision. I will enjoy destroying them both, as well as terrorising the whole of London with my beautiful rats. (calls) Enter my subjects!

Enter Rats from the back of the auditorium and make their way to the stage, taunting the audience as they go. King Rat can move to one side or join in the following routine. Music cue 6: Rats. After song ends…

King Rat (to audience) Aren’t they sweet? Oh yes, they are! Never mind, you’ll soon learn to love them. (to Rats) Come my darlings!

Exit King Rat and Rats (SL)

Music cue 7: Enter Bowbells (SR)

Bowbells Dick is in London and he’s here to stay,

And King Rat won’t get his evil way.

Now this is where it gets really exciting,

With lots of suspense and a little fighting.

King Rat and his vermin belong in the bins,

And I’ll make sure that our hero wins. (exits)