Dick Whittington And His Magical Cat

SCENE ONE

OLD LONDON TOWN

Fitzwarren’s shop front is [USR] and has a practical door. Music cue 1: Alice and Chorus. After song ends…

ALICE: [to audience] Hello there! I’m Alice Fitzwarren. Welcome to old London Town, where every day is an exciting adventure, and you never know what’s just around the next corner.

CHORUS 1: But it’s usually a rat.

ALICE: I’ll admit London does have a bit of a rat problem.

CHORUS 2: A bit of a problem!?

CHORUS 3: We’re overrun with them!

Enter Fitzwarren [SR]

FITZWARREN: Good morning, everybody!

CHORUS: Good morning, Alderman Fitzwarren!

ALICE: Good morning, father.

FITZWARREN: Good morning, Alice.

Music cue 2: Enter Rats at a run [SL] and chase Chorus off [SR]

ALICE: Something needs doing about London’s rat problem, father.

FITZWARREN: I agree Alice. Let’s just hope the new Mayor sorts it out. Now, have you got everything ready for our trip to Morocco tomorrow?

ALICE: Not quite father, I still have some more packing to do.

FITZWARREN: Then hurry up and do sit. We must catch the early tide tomorrow.

ALICE: Yes father. [exits into shop]

FITZWARREN: [to audience] Hello there. I’m Alderman Fitzwarren, and that’s my shop just there. It’s stocked with exotic goods from all over the world, and tomorrow I’m going to Morocco to bring back a cargo of dates. I wouldn’t mind a date myself, actually. I lost my wife five years ago. No, she isn’t dead. She just ran off with somebody younger, richer, and handsomer. Personally, I can’t see what she saw in him.

Enter Sally from shop.

SALLY: Hello boys and girls! At last, a bit of class has arrived!

FITZWARREN: [looking past her] Where?

SALLY: It’s me, you silly Alderman!

FITZWARREN: And a comedian to boot.

SALLY: Aren’t you going to introduce me to all these lovely customers, then?

FITZWARREN: If you insist. [to audience] This is my cook, Sally Forth. Although I use the term cook, advisedly.

SALLY: I suppose Celebrity chef, would be more in keeping with my creative culinary credentials.

FITZWARREN: I’ve never even seen your credentials.

SALLY: Play your cards right and I might show you them later.

FITZWARREN: I think I’ll pass. I’m off inside to do a stocktake. [exits into shop]

SALLY: Now he’s gone, we can get properly acquainted. Now, I like things to be nice and friendly. So, every time I come on and shout, hello boys and girls! I want you to all shout back, hello Sally! Will you do that for me? Let’s try it then. [exits and re-enters] Hello boys and girls! Wonderful! Now who’d like a boiled sweet? [gives sweet to person on front row] There you go. I only have the one, so you’ll have to share. Give it a suck and then pass it on. I’d love to stay and chat, but I must go and get the Alderman’s breakfast ready. I’m doing him cornflakes in ketchup, followed by bacon and banana omelette. Ta-ra then. [exits into shop]

Enter Dick and Puss [SR]

DICK: Well, here we are in London town, Puss.

PUSS: It only seems five minutes since we left Gloucester. We must have encountered some sort of time warp on the way.

DICK: Yes, that must be it.

PUSS: My four poor paws are red raw.

DICK: I too have blisters on my blisters, Puss. But it’ll all be worth it now that we’ve reached the place where the streets are paved with gold.

PUSS: So, you keep saying. Personally, I can’t help thinking you’re delusional.

DICK: Then maybe I’ll ask the audience what they think.

PUSS: Don’t embarrass yourself. They won’t believe in something that stupid.

DICK: I don’t see why not. They seem happy enough to believe in a talking cat.

PUSS: And why shouldn’t they? Humans are always talking to their pets, so we’re bound to pick it up eventually. The clever ones amongst us that is.

DICK: London is such a wonderful place, Puss. The sights, the sounds…

PUSS: The smells. [holds nose]

DICK: All the women are so cheerful, with their cries of, how about it dearie! And the men are that keen to help carry my case, I have to keep running after them and snatching it back.

Music cue 3: Enter King Rat [SL]

KING RAT: [pointing around audience] I hate you! And you! And you! But most of all, I hate…[points at Dick]…you!

DICK: Me! But I don’t even know you!

KING RAT: Then allow me to introduce myself. I’m King Rat, the evilest, rattiest rat in all Ratdom!

DICK: King Rat?

KING RAT: That’s what I just said, cloth-ears! My rat subjects are everywhere. In the dustbins, under the floorboards, in the drains. Not to mention the kitchens of this here theatre. So, I wouldn’t eat anything that looks like it contains raisins if I were you.

DICK: Thanks for the warning. But why do you hate me when we’ve never met?

KING RAT: Because you have a cat, and I hate cats and anybody who owns them. And yours is a particularly mangy specimen.

PUSS: How very dare you! I’m a well-groomed feline! I lick myself from tip to toe every morning.

KING RAT: And they call us rats, disgusting.

DICK: You want to watch it, you know. Puss here is the best ratcatcher in the business, and he could gobble you up in a flash.

KING RAT: Oh, meow! I’m really scared. I’d advise you to head back to the sticks and take your smelly cat with you, before I destroy you both! [exits SL]

DICK: Perhaps London’s not as friendly as I’d thought Puss. Let’s head home.

PUSS: Suits me. I didn’t want to come here in the first place.

Music cue 4: Enter Bowbells [SR]

BOWBELLS: Stop right there, Dick Whittington!

DICK: How did you know my name?

BOWBELLS: It’s written on the side of your suitcase, Dick?

DICK: Oh, yeah. And who are you then?

BOWBELLS: I’m Fairy Bowbells, and I’m here to help you realise your dream.

DICK: You’re going to help me win the lottery?

BOWBELLS: No Dick, I’m going to help you become Lord Mayor.

DICK: Of Gloucester? Great!

BOWBELLS: No, London.

DICK: Even better! Will I get to wear one of those funny hats?

BOWBELLS: I think it comes with the job, Dick.