SCENE ONE
OLDE YORK TOWN
Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Doris Dolittle [SL]
DORIS: Hello, everybody! All right, let’s see who’s letting the side down. Hello, to all the girls! Hello, to all the boys! It’s the men as usual; they’re always a let-down, eh, girls? Will you all do me a favour? Slide your bottoms back and forth like this. [demonstrates] Now, move your back from side to side, like this. Thanks. The cleaners forgot to wipe the seats earlier. I’m Doris Dolittle and I run ‘The Cock And Bull Inn’ with my son, Simon. I used to run it with my husband until he died. It’s sadder than that! He didn’t leave me much after he died, although he left me plenty of times while he was alive. I wasn’t planning to have any kids with him, but then I figured I might need a kidney sometime in the future.
Enter Simon [SR] eating a sausage roll.
SIMON: This Gregg’s sausage roll is lovely, Mum.
DORIS: You could’ve had one of ours for nothing, Simon.
SIMON: I know, Mum, but this one’s meatless.
DORIS: Why are you eating a meatless sausage roll?
SIMON: I’ve decided to become a vegan.
DORIS: Like Mr Spock?
SIMON: I said ‘vegan’, Mum, not Vulcan.
DORIS: Why have you turned vegan?
SIMON: I believe that eating meat is bad for the planet.
DORIS: Then don’t feed it any.
SIMON: Maybe we should serve meatless meals in our pub.
DORIS: Our meals are already meatless, Simon.
SIMON: What about our steak pies?
DORIS: Don’t stake your life on it.
SIMON: Our pork pies?
DORIS: Porky lies.
SIMON: Ham and mushroom pasty?
DORIS: There wasn’t mush-room for any ham.
SIMON: Veganism is big business these days, Mum.
DORIS: Then maybe I’ll change to being vegan friendly.
SIMON: Just being friendly would make a change.
DORIS: I could make tofu pies and sell them tofu the price of one. [laughs]
SIMON: You’d also need to replace cow’s milk with a non-dairy alternative.
DORIS: Like what?
SIMON: Almond milk.
DORIS: Almond milk! That’s nuts!
SIMON: I wonder how they milk an almond.
DORIS: Your father tried milking something he couldn’t, and it ended in tragedy.
SIMON: What do you mean, Mum?
DORIS: He mistook a bull for a cow.
SIMON: How did he manage that?
DORIS: He was an idiot. Mind you, he made a friend for life. The bull took to following him everywhere and eventually caused his death.
SIMON: What happened to him?
DORIS: It followed him into the pub, and as he tried to resist its amorous advances, he fell down the cellar steps and a barrel of beer landed on top of him.
SIMON: That must’ve been a terrible shock for you, Mum.
DORIS: It certainly was. It was a case of beer today and gone tomorrow, and I’ve been living in poverty ever since.
SIMON: Maybe we’ll win the lottery, Mum, and then we won’t be poor anymore.
DORIS: That’s impossible, Simon.
SIMON: Why is it?
DORIS: It’s the eighteenth century and the lottery hasn’t been invented yet.
SIMON: I’m always thinking ahead, Mum.
DORIS: Your head’s not made for thinking, Simon.
SIMON: Yes, it is, Mum, and it mostly thinks about Maggie Micklegate. [sighs]
DORIS: Don’t tell me you still holding a torch for our barmaid.
SIMON: Yes, and I’m hoping one day she might hold something for me.
DORIS: Like what? Bearing in mind that this is a family show.
SIMON: My hand.
DORIS: Thank goodness for that.
SIMON: And someday I hope to marry her, Mum.
DORIS: Give over, Simon, her mum’s older than me.
SIMON: I meant, Maggie! I think she’s beautiful.
DORIS: Looks aren’t everything, Simon. I didn’t marry your father for his looks.
SIMON: Then what attracted you to him?
DORIS: His spotted dick.
SIMON: I’m sorry I asked now.
DORIS: I still use his recipe to this day.
SIMON: I didn’t know dad could cook.
DORIS: Oh, yes, he was very hands on in the kitchen. Amongst other places.
SIMON: What did he like getting his hands on the most?
DORIS: Tarts mostly – and not just the jammy kind.
SIMON: What do you miss most about him, Mum?
DORIS: His enormous sausage.
SIMON: I beg your pardon!?
DORIS: He used to make huge German sausages.
SIMON: I hate German sausages; they’re the wurst. [laughs]
DORIS: Just like that joke.
Enter Squire Grabbit [SL]
SIMON: It’s our landlord, Squire Grabbit.
SQUIRE: Good morning, Doris.
DORIS: Well, it was until you showed up.
SQUIRE: I want something from you.
DORIS: [grabs hold of him] Oh, Squire, I didn’t know you cared!
SQUIRE: [pushing her off] I meant your rent.
