Scene One
The Main Room In Hardup Hall
Maids are cleaning and dusting. Music cue 2: Maids. After song ends…
Buttons enters (SR)
Buttons
(to audience) Hello boys and girls! I’ll bet you don’t know what my name is, do you? (audience respond) Well for those of you who don’t, let’s see if you can guess if I give you a clue. It’s something that fastens a coat, but it’s not a zip and isn’t a belt. Who said ‘nappy-pin’? Actually, it’s ‘Buttons’. I’m Baron Hardup’s Senior Culinary Executive and Liquid Container Purification Consultant.
Maid 1
Otherwise known as his ‘Chief Cook and Bottle Washer.’
Buttons
(to audience) It’s true, but I won’t always be a poor servant. One day I’ll win the Lottery and marry Cinderella. She doesn’t know how I feel about her yet, because I’m too shy to tell her. You won’t let on will you? Only I’m trying to pluck up the courage to tell her myself. (to Maids) Hey girls, do any of you know where Cinders is?
Maid 2
She’s scrubbing the kitchen floor.
Buttons
But she was scrubbing it last night when I went to bed.
Maid 3
Yes, and she’s still doing it.
Buttons
She can’t have been cleaning it all night, surely.
Maid 4
The mistress wasn’t happy with it, and made her scrub it all again…with a toothbrush.
Buttons
Poor Cinders.
Uglies
(shouts off) Buttons!
Buttons
It sounds like the Uglies are after me. I’d better hide. (to Maids) If they ask, you haven’t seen me, right? (exits SR)
Uglies enter (SL)
Dotty
(to Maids) Have any of you idle lot seen Buttons?
Maids
No!
Potty
(sneers) They probably wouldn’t tell us even if they have.
Dotty
I’ll soon spot him. I have eyes like a hawk
Maid 5
And legs like a chicken.
Maids laugh.
Dotty
(to Maid 5) What did you say?
Maid 5
I said ‘maybe he’s in the kitchen’.
Potty
Don’t worry sis’ I’ll track him down, by the smell of his cheap aftershave.
Dotty
I’ll bet he’s hiding from us.
Maid 1
(aside to the other maids) I don’t blame him.
Potty
(to audience) Is Buttons hiding? (audience respond)
Uglies
Oh yes, he is!
Maids
(leading audience) Oh no, he isn’t!
Uglies
Oh yes, he is!
The usual business until…
Maid 2
What do you want him for anyway?
Potty
(to Maids) Mother says he has to take out the trash.
Maid 3
Can’t she get somebody else to take you out?
Maids laugh.
Dotty
Cheek! (to Maids) Just for that, you can all go and pick up your P45’s.
Maids groan and exit (SL)
Potty
That showed them, Dotty. (sing and dance) #Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame on the good times, blame it on the boogie#
Dotty
Sister dear, you are so out of tune.
Potty
I so am not!
Dotty
You so are! It’s like listening to nails scratching down a chalkboard. Everybody knows I have the bestest voice around here.
Potty
Then how come when we were at…(local school). The music teacher banned you from the school choir?
Dotty
‘Cos he didn’t want all the others sounding rubbish, next to me.
Potty
(suddenly pointing to the audience) Look Dotty…Boys!
Dotty
(quivers) Oooh! Quick, let’s introduce each other to them.
Potty
All right, I’ll go first. (to audience) Hello boys, allow me to introduce my sister Dotty.
Dotty
Yoo-hoo! Pleased to meet you. Now, let me tell you all about myself. Well as you can see. I’m absolutely gorgeous, with a fantastic body and…well that’s pretty much all you need to know really. Now which one of you boys would like to take me clubbing?
Potty
Oi! Introduce me, you selfish tart!
Dotty
What for? They won’t be interested in you.
Potty
And why not?
Dotty
Well don’t take this the wrong way sister dear, but you is fat!
Potty
You can talk! Whenever you move, it’s like watching jelly on legs!
Dotty
I’ll have you know I’ve been on a diet, and I’ve got rid of all my fat cells.
Potty
Well I think they’ve all come back for their annual reunion. Your diets obviously don’t work. First there was your GI diet.
Dotty
That worked fine until all the Yanks left the local army base.
Potty
Then there was your weight-watchers diet. How come that failed?
Dotty
It wasn’t easy watching the scales while I ate.
Potty
And then there was your Slim Fast diet.
Dotty
Now you can’t fault me there. I did exactly what it said on the tin. I had one for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner.
Potty
So what went wrong?
Dotty
The brunch, tea and supper I had in between.
Potty
Anyway, never mind! Just hurry up and introduce me.
Dotty
All right then. (to audience) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. This is my Potty sister…I mean my sister, Potty.
Potty
(quivering with excitement) Oooooh!
Dotty
What’s the matter? Have you trapped your spare tyre in your corsets again?
Potty
No! I’ve just spotted a hunk in the audience!
Dotty
Where?
Potty
There! (points at him and asks his name) Everybody, I’d like you all to say hello to…(name of man)…my sexy new boyfriend.
Dotty
(pointing) Is that a Donald Trump comb-over? Or is he balancing a Shredded Wheat on his head?
Potty
(thinks again) On second thoughts, a rare beauty like me should be seen with only the handsomest of men.
Dotty
Since when has ‘ugly’ been rare?
Potty
Cheek! You’re the one with a face like a constipated camel!
Dotty
And you look like somebody set your face on fire and beat it out with a shovel!
Potty
I’m not standing here to be insulted!
Dotty
Well sit down then!
Potty
Oh, let’s not bicker sister dear. We have better things to do with our time. Like picking on Cinderella for instance.
Baroness enters (SL)
Baroness
Hello my darlings!
Uglies
Hello mummy dearest!
Baroness
Have you seen your lazy stepsister, anywhere?
Uglies
No mummy.
Baroness
That girl is the laziest I’ve ever known.
Dotty
Yes, and talk about ‘thick’.
Potty
She’s almost as thick as that Buttons character.
Dotty
Whereas we’re both clever as foxes, with PHD’s.
Cinderella enters (SR)
Cinderella
(cheerily waving to audience) Hello everybody!
Baroness
There you are Cinderella. Have you finished your chores yet?
Cinderella
Yes, stepmother.
Baroness
About time too. Now go into the woods and gather some firewood, immediately.
Cinderella
But I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.
Baroness
Well it’s hardly my fault you’re anorexic. Now hurry up about it! (exits SL)
Potty
Come along Dotty, it’s time for our daily Jog.
Cinderella
You two have taken up jogging?
Dotty
Well you don’t get fabulous figures like ours by lazing around all day, like you.
Potty
Let’s go Dotty.
Uglies exit (SL)
Cinderella
(to audience) If that’s what exercise does to you, I’ll think I’ll pass.
Baron Hardup enters (SR) looking at a bank statement and shaking his head.
Baron
Oh dear, oh dear.
Cinderella
What’s wrong father?
Baron
It’s your stepsisters. They’re spending money faster than I can earn it. At this rate, I’ll soon be bankrupt. If only they were more like you Cinders, I wouldn’t have to keep selling stuff in order to keep a roof over our heads. I wouldn’t mind if they were kind to you, but they treat you as their personal slave.
Cinderella
It’s true, father. Luckily Buttons is always there to cheer me up. He’s my dearest friend in the whole world.
Baron
I get the impression he’d like to be more than just a ‘friend’, Cinders.
Cinderella
(surprised) Do you really think Buttons fancies me?
Baron
Well you are a very pretty girl Cinders. And he is a man after all.
Cinderella
But me and Buttons have grown up together, like brother and sister. I can’t really imagine him as a boyfriend.
Baron
Well just be careful you don’t give him the wrong idea. I’m off to see if I’ve had any bids on eBay, for the family silver. (exits SL)
Cinderella
Poor father. He’s at his wits end with money worries. (to audience) I wonder if he’s right about Buttons fancying me. (to audience) You don’t think Buttons fancies me, do you? (audience respond) You do? Gosh! Well if he does declare his feelings for me, I’ll have to put him straight. But I’ll do it gently, so as not to hurt his feelings.
Buttons
(peeks on SR) Pssst! Are the Uglies around, Cinders?
Cinderella
No Buttons, they’ve gone off.
Buttons
(entering) I think they went off long ago.
Cinderella
Ever since them and their mother arrived on the scene, my life’s been nothing but misery. And I can’t see it changing anytime soon.
Buttons
Chin up, Cinders. One day a handsome man might sweep you off your feet and whisk you away to life of happiness.
Cinderella
(penny dropping) Look Buttons, I think I’d better…
Baroness enters (SL)
Baroness
…Cinderella! What are you doing still here? Go and collect that firewood, right now!
Cinderella
Yes, stepmother. (to Buttons) See you later Buttons. (exits SR)
Buttons
(sighing) Bye, Cinders!
Baroness
(to Buttons) Pull your tongue back in, Buttons. And go find something useful to do. (exits SR)
Buttons
Poor Cinders. It breaks my heart to see how they treat her. Maybe if I tell her how I feel about her, she might cheer up. Everybody needs to feel loved, don’t they? I know I do. Now I’m starting to feel a bit down. Maybe if you lot cheer every time I come on, it’ll make me feel better. Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s try it shall we? I’ll go off and come back on, and shout ‘hiya boys and girls’! And you all shout back ‘hiya Buttons’! (exits and re-enters) Hiya boys and girls! (audience respond) I need cheering up more than that! Let’s try it again. (repeats business) That was much better. I suppose I’d better get on with my chores. I don’t want to give the Baroness any excuse to sack me. See you later kids! (waves and exits SL)
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