Cinderella Version 5

Scene One

Hardup Hall

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Enter Buttons (SR)

BUTTONS: Hiya boys and girls! My name’s Buttons, and I work here at Hardup Hall for Baron Hardup. And he is hard up, believe you me. He recently remarried and his new stepdaughters are spending money like water. Plus, them and the new baroness treat everybody like dirt. Especially the Baron’s daughter, Cinderella. It really upsets me, and I constantly need cheering up. You know what’s coming, don’t you? That’s right – every time I come on and shout hiya boys and girls! I want to all to shout back hiya Buttons, we love you! And that’ll really cheer me up. Let’s try it shall we? (exits and re-enters) Hiya boys and girls! I need cheering up more than that! Let’s try it again. (repeats business) That was better. Speaking of love – I’m in love with someone. Can you guess who? Some of you have seen this panto before, haven’t you? That’s right, I’m in love with Cinderella. I haven’t told her how I feel yet because I’m a bit shy and can’t summon up the nerve.

Enter Chorus (SL)

BUTTONS: Hi guys! Do any of you know where Cinders is?

CHORUS 1: She’s scrubbing the kitchen floor.

BUTTONS: But she was scrubbing it last night when I went to bed.

CHORUS 2: Yes, and she’s still doing it.

BUTTONS: She can’t have been cleaning it all night, surely.

CHORUS 3: The Baroness wasn’t happy with it and made her scrub it all again – with a toothbrush.

BUTTONS: Poor Cinders. It breaks my heart to see how they treat her. Maybe if I tell her how I feel about her, it might cheer her up.

CHORUS 4: Or not – as the case may be.

UGLIES: (shouts off) Buttons!

BUTTONS: It sounds like the Uglies are after me. I’d better hide. (to Chorus) If they ask, you haven’t seen me. (exits SR)

Enter Potty and Dotty (SL)

DOTTY: (to Chorus) Have any of you idle lot seen Buttons, anywhere?

CHORUS: No!

POTTY: They probably wouldn’t tell us even if they had.

DOTTY: I’ll soon spot him, Potty. I have eyes like a hawk.

CHORUS 5: And legs like a chicken.

Chorus laugh.

DOTTY: (to Chorus 5) What did you just say?

CHORUS 5: I said, maybe he’s in the kitchen.

POTTY: I’ll bet he’s hiding from us.

CHORUS 1: (aside) I don’t blame him.

DOTTY: (to audience) Is Buttons hiding from us?

UGLIES: Oh yes, he is!

CHORUS: (leading audience) Oh no, he isn’t!

UGLIES: Oh yes, he is!

DOTTY: Don’t worry Dotty. I’ll track him down, by the smell of his cheap aftershave.

CHORUS 2: What do you want him for anyway?

POTTY: Mother wants him to take out the trash.

CHORUS 3: Can’t she get somebody else to take you out?

Chorus laugh.

DOTTY: Cheek! Just for that, you can all go and pick up your P45’s.

Exit Chorus (SL) moaning.

POTTY: That showed them, sis’. (sings and boogies) ‘Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame on the good times, blame it on the boogie’.

DOTTY: You’re so out of tune Potty.

POTTY: I so am not!

DOTTY: You so are! It’s like listening to nails scratching down a chalkboard. Everybody knows I have the best voice around here.

POTTY: Then how come when we were at…(local school). The music teacher banned you from the school choir?

DOTTY: It’s because he didn’t want all the others sounding rubbish, next to me.

POTTY: (indicating audience) Look Dotty – boys!

DOTTY: Ooooh! Quick! Let’s introduce each other to them!

POTTY: Okay. (to audience) This is my sister Dotty. Now you introduce me, Dotty.

DOTTY: That was a rubbish introduction!

POTTY: Don’t put yourself down, sis’.

DOTTY: I’ll do it myself. (to audience) As you can see boys, I’m gorgeous looking and have a fantastic body. And that’s pretty much all you need to know really. Now, which of you would like to take me clubbing?

POTTY: Oi! Introduce me you selfish tart!

DOTTY: They won’t be interested in you.

POTTY: And why not?

DOTTY: Don’t take this the wrong way sister dear, but you is fat!

POTTY: You can talk! Whenever you walk, it’s like watching jelly on legs!

DOTTY: I’ll have you know I’ve been on a diet and got rid of all my fat cells.

POTTY: Well, I think they’ve come back for their annual reunion.

DOTTY: How very dare you!

POTTY: Your diets never work. First there was your GI diet.

DOTTY: That worked well until all the Yanks left the local base.

POTTY: How come your Weight Watchers diet failed?

DOTTY: It wasn’t easy watching the scales while I ate.

POTTY: Then there was your Slim Fast diet.

DOTTY: Now you can’t fault me there. I did exactly as it said on the tin. I had one for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner.

POTTY: So, what went wrong?

DOTTY: All the snacks and lager I had in between.

POTTY: Anyway, never mind that. Just hurry up and introduce me.

DOTTY: Okay. (to audience) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. This is my Potty sister – I mean my sister, Potty.

POTTY: (squeals) Oooooh!

DOTTY: What’s wrong? Have you trapped your spare tyre in your corsets again?

POTTY: No! I’ve just spotted a real hunk in the audience!

DOTTY: Where is he?

POTTY: (pointing) There! (to man) What’s your name love? (elicit a response) Everybody say hello to my new boyfriend…(name of man)

DOTTY: New! He looks more like second hand to me.

POTTY: You’re just jealous because I’ve got myself a boyfriend.

DOTTY: You’re welcome to him. A rare beauty like me, should only be seen with the handsomest of men.

POTTY: Since when has ugly been rare?

DOTTY: Cheek! You’re the one with a face like a constipated camel!

POTTY: You look like somebody set your face on fire and beat it out with a shovel!

DOTTY: I’m not standing for your insults!

POTTY: Well, sit down then!

DOTTY: Let’s not bicker, Potty. We have better things to do with our time.

POTTY: Like what for instance?

POTTY: Picking on Cinderella.

DOTTY: Oh yes, that makes our day, doesn’t it?

POTTY: It’s only what the little tramp deserves.

Enter Baroness (SL)

BARONESS: Hello my darling girls!

UGLIES: Hello mummy dearest!

BARONESS: Have you seen your lazy stepsister, anywhere?

UGLIES: No mummy.

BARONESS: That girl’s the laziest I’ve ever known.

DOTTY: Lazy and stupid.

POTTY: She’s almost as thick as that Buttons character.

DOTTY: And he’s nearly as thick as your waist.

POTTY: At least I have a waist!

Cinderella enters (SR)

CINDERELLA: Hello everybody!

BARONESS: There you are Cinderella. Have you finished all your morning chores yet?

CINDERELLA: Yes, stepmother.

BARONESS: Then go into the woods and gather some firewood.

CINDERELLA: But I haven’t had breakfast yet.

BARONESS: Then maybe you should get up earlier.

CINDERELLA: Potty and Dotty never get up until lunchtime!

DOTTY: We need our beauty sleep.

CINDERELLA: You can say that again.

BARONESS: Very well, Cinderella. Have a bowl of cold gruel and then go! (exits SL)

POTTY: Mummy spoils her.

DOTTY: And does she appreciate it?

UGLIES: No way, Jose!

POTTY: Come along Dotty, it’s time for our daily Jog.

CINDERELLA: You’ve both taken up jogging?

DOTTY: Yes! You don’t get fabulous figures like ours by lazing around, like you.

POTTY: The only downside is the odd black eye.

Uglies hoist their bosoms.

DOTTY: Let’s go Potty.

Exit Uglies (SL)

CINDERELLA: They’re already potty if you ask me. And if that’s what exercise does to you, I think I’ll pass.

Enter Baron Hardup (SR) studying a bank statement.

BARON: Oh dear, oh dear.

CINDERELLA: Whatever’s the matter father?

BARON: Your stepsisters are spending money that fast, I’ll soon be bankrupt.

CINDERELLA: They must think that money grows on trees.

BARON: Are they still being horrid to you, Cinders?

CINDERELLA: Yes, but Buttons always cheers me up. He’s my best and closest friend.

BARON: I get the impression he’d like to be more than just a friend, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: What do you mean, father?

BARON: You’re a very pretty girl Cinders, and Buttons is a man after all.

CINDERELLA: But me and Buttons have grown up together, like brother and sister. I can’t really imagine him as a boyfriend.

BARON: Then perhaps you ought to put him straight, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: But I’d hate to hurt his feelings, father.

BARON: The longer you leave it the more hurt he’ll be.

CINDERELLA: I suppose you’re right. I’ll have to try and let him down gently.

BARON: The sooner the better, Cinders. I’ll see you later then. (exits SL)

CINDERELLA: I’m not going to enjoy letting Buttons down.

BUTTONS: (peeks on SR) Pssst! Are the uglies around, Cinders?

CINDERELLA: No Buttons, they’ve gone off.

BUTTONS: (entering) I think they went off long ago.

CINDERELLA: I wish they would. Them and my stepmother make my life a misery.

BUTTONS: Cheer up, Cinders. Some man might soon sweep you off your feet and whisk you away to life of happiness.

CINDERELLA: Like a handsome Prince, you mean?

BUTTONS: It doesn’t have to be a Prince, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: Listen Buttons, I think I’d better tell you…

Enter Baroness (SL)

BARONESS: Cinderella! What are you doing still here? I want that firewood collecting!

CINDERELLA: Yes, stepmother. See you later Buttons. (exits SR)

BUTTONS: Bye, Cinders!

BARONESS: And you can get with your chores too, Buttons. (exits SL)

BUTTONS: I’d better get busy or she might sack me. See you all later! (exits SR)