Cinderella Version 5

Scene One

The Main Room In Hardup Hall

Maids are cleaning and dusting. Music cue 2: Maids. After song ends…

Enter Buttons (SR)

Buttons Hello boys and girls! My name’s…no, wait. Let’s see if you can guess it, if I give you a clue. It’s something that fastens clothes, but it’s not a zip and isn’t a belt. Who said nappy pin? Actually, it’s Buttons. And I work for Baron Hardup, as his, Senior Culinary Executive and Liquid Container Purification Consultant.

Maid 1 Otherwise known as, Chief Cook and Bottle Washer.

Buttons It’s true. But I won’t always be a poor servant. One day I’ll win the Lottery, marry Cinderella and live in a big mansion. She doesn’t know how I feel about her yet, because I’m too shy to tell her. You won’t let on, will you? Only I’m trying to pluck up the courage to tell her myself. (to Maids) Do any of you know girls where Cinders is?

Maid 2 She’s scrubbing the kitchen floor.

Buttons But she was scrubbing it last night when I went to bed.

Maid 3 Yes, and she’s still doing it.

Buttons She can’t have been cleaning it all night, surely.

Maid 4 The mistress wasn’t happy with it and made her scrub it all again…with a toothbrush.

Buttons Poor Cinders.

Uglies (shouts off) Buttons!

Buttons It sounds like the Uglies are after me. I’d better hide. (to Maids) If they ask, you haven’t seen me. (exits SR)

Enter Potty and Dotty (SL)

Dotty (to Maids) Have you idle lot seen Buttons, anywhere?

Maids No!

Potty They probably wouldn’t tell us even if they have.

Dotty I’ll soon spot him, Potty. I have eyes like a hawk

Maid 5 And legs like a chicken.

Maids laugh.

Dotty (to Maid 5) What did you just say?

Maid 5 I said, perhaps he’s in the kitchen.

Potty I’ll bet he’s hiding from us.

Maid 1 (aside) I don’t blame him.

Dotty (to audience) Is Buttons hiding from us?

Uglies Oh yes, he is!

Maids (leading audience) Oh no, he isn’t!

Uglies Oh yes, he is!

Dotty Don’t worry Dotty. I’ll track him down, by the smell of his cheap aftershave.

Maid 2 What do you want him for anyway?

Potty Mother says he must take out the trash.

Maid 3 Can’t she get somebody else to take you out?

Maids laugh.

Dotty Cheek! Just for that, you can all go and pick up your P45’s.

Exit Maids (SL) moaning.

Potty That showed them, sis’. (sings and dances) #Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame on the good times, blame it on the boogie#

Dotty You’re so out of tune, Potty.

Potty I so am not!

Dotty You so are! It’s like listening to nails scratching down a chalkboard. Everybody knows I have the best voice around here.

Potty Then how come when we were at…(local school). The music teacher banned you from the school choir?

Dotty It’s because he didn’t want all the others sounding rubbish, next to me.

Potty (indicating audience) Look Dotty…Boys!

Dotty Oooh! Quick! Let’s introduce each other to them!Potty Okay, I’ll go first. (to audience) Hello boys, allow me to introduce my sister Dotty.

Dotty Yoo-hoo, boys! Let me tell you all about myself. As you can see. I’m gorgeous and have a fantastic body. And that’s pretty much all you need to know really. Now, which of you would like to take me clubbing?

Potty Oi! Introduce me you selfish tart!

Dotty They won’t be interested in you.

Potty And why not?

Dotty Don’t take this the wrong way sister dear, but you is fat!

Potty You can talk! Whenever you walk, it’s like watching jelly dancing!

Dotty I’ll have you know I’ve been on a diet, and I got rid of all my fat cells.

Potty Well I think they’ve come back, for their annual reunion. Anyway, your diets never work. First there was your GI diet.

Dotty That worked fine until all the Yanks left the local army base.

Potty Then there was your weight watchers’ diet. How come that failed?

Dotty It wasn’t easy watching the scales whilst I ate.

Potty And what about your Slim Fast diet?

Dotty Now you can’t fault me there. I did exactly what it said on the tin. I had one for breakfast, one for lunch, and one for dinner.

Potty So, what went wrong?

Dotty The brunch, tea and supper I had in between. (laughs)

Potty Anyway, never mind all that. Just hurry up and introduce me.

Dotty Okay. (to audience) Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls. This is my Potty sister…I mean my sister, Potty.

Potty (exclaims) Oooooh! Dotty!

Dotty What’s the matter? Have you trapped your spare tyre in your corsets again?

Potty No! I’ve just spotted a real hunk in the audience!

Dotty Where is he?

Potty (pointing) There! (to man) What’s your name, love? (response) Everybody, I’d like you all to say hello to my new boyfriend…(name of man)

Dotty New! He looks more like second hand to me. But a rare beauty like me, should only be seen with the handsomest of men.

Potty Since when has ugly been rare?

Dotty You’re the one with a face like a constipated camel!

Potty And you look like somebody set your face on fire and beat it out with a shovel!

Dotty I’m not standing for your insults!

Potty Well, sit down then!

Dotty Let’s not bicker, sis’. We have better things to do with our time.

Potty Like picking on Cinderella, you mean.

Uglies laugh.

Enter Baroness (SL)

Baroness Hello my darling girls!

Uglies Hello mummy dearest!

Baroness Have you seen your lazy stepsister, anywhere?

Uglies No mummy.

Baroness That girl’s the laziest I’ve ever known.

Dotty Lazy and stupid.

Potty She’s almost as thick as that Buttons character.

Dotty And he’s almost as thick as your waist.

Potty At least I have a waist!

Cinderella enters (SR)

Cinderella Hello everybody!

Baroness There you are Cinderella. Have you finished all your morning chores yet?

Cinderella Yes, stepmother.

Baroness About time too. Now, go into the woods and gather some firewood.

Cinderella But I haven’t even had breakfast yet.

Baroness Then maybe you should get up earlier. Now, hurry up about it! (exits SL)

Dotty Come along Potty, it’s time for our daily Jog.

Cinderella You two have taken up jogging?

Potty You don’t get fabulous figures like ours by lazing around, like you. Let’s go Dotty.

Exit Uglies (SL)

Cinderella (to audience) If that’s what exercise does to you, I’ll think I’ll pass.

Enter Baron Hardup (SR) looking at a bank statement and shaking his head.

Baron Oh dear, oh dear.

Cinderella Whatever’s the matter father?

Baron Your stepsisters are spending money, that fast. I’ll soon be bankrupt.

Cinderella They do seem to think that money grows on trees.

Baron Are they still treating you like their personal slave, Cinders?

Cinderella Yes, but Buttons always cheers me up. He’s my best friend in the whole world.

Baron I get the impression he’d like to be more than just a friend, Cinders.

Cinderella What do you mean, father?

Baron Well, you are a very pretty girl, Cinders. And Buttons is a man, after all.

Cinderella But me and Buttons have grown up together, like brother and sister. I can’t really imagine him as a boyfriend.

Baron Then the sooner he knows that, the better. I’ll see you later Cinders. (exits SL)

Cinderella (to audience) You don’t think Buttons fancies me, do you? You do? Then I’ll just have to put him straight. I only hope I don’t hurt his feelings.

Buttons (peeks on SR) Pssst! Are the Uglies around, Cinders?

Cinderella No Buttons, they’ve gone off.

Buttons (entering) I think they went off long ago.

Cinderella Ever since they and stepmother arrived on the scene, my life’s been nothing but misery. And I can’t see it changing anytime soon.

Buttons Chin up, Cinders. One day, a handsome man might sweep you off your feet, and whisk you away to life of happiness.

Cinderella Listen Buttons, I think I’d better tell you…p>

Enter Baroness (SL)

Baroness…Cinderella! What are you doing still here? Go and collect that firewood, immediately!

Cinderella Yes, stepmother. See you later Buttons. (exits SR)

Buttons Bye, Cinders!

Baroness And you can get with your chores also, Buttons. (exits SR)

Buttons Poor Cinders. It breaks my heart to see how they treat her. Maybe if I tell her how I feel about her, she might cheer up. Everybody needs to feel loved, don’t they? I know I do. Now I’m starting to feel a bit down. Maybe if you lot cheer every time I come on, it’ll make me feel better. Will you do that? (response) Let’s try it shall we? I’ll go off and come back on, and shout, hiya boys and girls! And you all shout back, hiya Buttons! (exits and re-enters) Hiya boys and girls! I need cheering up more than that! Let’s try it again. (repeats business) That was much better. I suppose I’d better get on with my chores. See you all later! (waves and exits SL)