Cinderella Version 5

SCENE ONE

HARDUP HALL

Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Buttons [SR]

BUTTONS: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Buttons, and I work here at Hardup Hall. But old Baron Hardup has recently remarried, and the new baroness and her two nasty stepdaughters treat everybody like dirt, especially the Baron’s daughter Cinderella. It really upsets me to see how they treat her, and I constantly need cheering up. You know what’s coming next, don’t you? That’s right, whenever I come on and shout, hiya boys and girls! I want you all to shout back we love you Buttons, you’re really great and we don’t want you to feel sad anymore! And that’ll cheer me up. Let’s try it. [exits and re-enters] Hiya boys and girls! Ooh! I think we’ll have to shorten it, don’t you? Just shout hiya Buttons instead, okay. Speaking of love, I’m in love with somebody at Hardup Hall, can you guess who? Some of you have seen this panto before, haven’t you? Yes, it’s Cinderella. I haven’t told her how I feel about her yet because I’m too shy.

Enter Chorus [SL]

BUTTONS: Hi guys! Have you seen Cinderella this morning?

CHORUS 1: Yes Buttons, she’s scrubbing the kitchen floor.

BUTTONS: But she was scrubbing it last night when I went to bed.

CHORUS 2: And she’s still doing it.

BUTTONS: She can’t have been cleaning it all night, surely.

CHORUS 3: The Baroness wasn’t happy and made her scrub it all again, with a toothbrush.

BUTTONS: Poor Cinders. Maybe if I tell her how I feel about her, it might cheer her up.

CHORUS 4: Or not, as the case may be.

UGLIES: [shouts off] Buttons!

BUTTONS: It sounds like the Uglies are after me. I’d better hide. If they ask, you haven’t seen me, right? [exits SR]

Enter Potty and Dotty [SL]

POTTY: Have any of you idle lot seen Buttons?

CHORUS: No!

DOTTY: They probably wouldn’t tell us even if they have.

POTTY: I’ll soon find him, sis’. I have eyes like a hawk.

CHORUS 1: And legs like a chicken!

POTTY: [to Chorus 5] What did you say?

CHORUS 1: I said, maybe he’s in the kitchen.

DOTTY: I’ll track him down by the smell of his cheap aftershave. I have a nose like a bloodhound.

CHORUS 2: [aside] And a face to match.

POTTY: I’ll bet he’s hiding from us.

DOTTY: [to audience] Is Buttons hiding from us?

UGLIES: Oh yes, he is!

CHORUS 3: What do you want him for anyway?

POTTY: Mother wants him to take out the trash.

CHORUS 4: Can’t she get somebody else to take you both out?

Chorus laugh.

DOTTY: Just for that, you can all pick up your P45’s.

Exit Chorus [SL] groaning.

POTTY: That showed them, sis’.

DOTTY: [sings and boogies] ‘Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame on the good times, blame it on the boogie’.

POTTY: You’re so out of tune, sister’.

DOTTY: I so am not!

POTTY: You so are! It’s like listening to nails scratching down a chalkboard.

DOTTY: Rubbish! Everybody knows I have the best singing voice around here.

POTTY: Then how come when we were at…[local school]…the music teacher banned you from the school choir?

DOTTY: Because he didn’t want all the others sounding rubbish, next to me.

POTTY: [indicating audience] Look sis’, boys!

DOTTY: Let’s introduce each other to them!

POTTY: All right. Hello boys, this is my sister, Dotty.

DOTTY: As you can see, I’m gorgeous looking with a body to die-for. Now,which of you boys would like to take me clubbing?

POTTY: Oi! Introduce me you selfish tart!

DOTTY: What for? They won’t be interested in you!

POTTY: And why not?

DOTTY: Don’t take this the wrong way sis’, but you is fat!

POTTY: You can talk! Whenever you walk it’s like watching jelly on legs!

DOTTY: Rubbish! My new diet got rid of all my fat cells.

POTTY: Well, I think they’ve all come back for their annual reunion.

DOTTY: My diet promotes the health benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness.

POTTY: I use a Fitness Pal app. You enter everything you ate that day, and it works out the calories for you.

DOTTY: I tried that once and it just sent round an ambulance.

POTTY: My biggest weakness is tortillas.

DOTTY: I know a song about tortillas. Actually, it’s more of a rap.

POTTY: Do you know what my biggest weakness is?

DOTTY: Your bladder?

POTTY: No! Chocolate!

DOTTY: What’s your favourite chocolate bar?

POTTY: Toblerone.

DOTTY: I’ve always wondered why Toblerone is triangle shaped.

POTTY: So it fits in the box, stupid!

DOTTY: I used to be addicted to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. For a while there, my life was a Rocky Road.

POTTY: Anyway, forget about diets and introduce me.

DOTTY: All right. Boys and girls, I give you my sister Potty. She’s free to a good home.

POTTY: [squeals] Oooooh!

DOTTY: Have you trapped your spare tyre in your corset again?

POTTY: No, I’ve just spotted a hunk in the audience!

DOTTY: Where?

POTTY: [pointing] There! [to man] What’s your name love? [response] Everybody, say hello to my new boyfriend…[man’s name]

DOTTY: He looks more second-hand to me.

POTTY: You’re just jealous because I saw him first.

DOTTY: You’re welcome. A rare beauty like me deserves only the handsomest of men.

POTTY: Since when has ugly been rare?