Cinderella Version 3

SCENE ONE

HARDUP HALL

Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]

BUTTONS: Cinderella! Cinderella! Oh, hello boys and girls! I’m looking for Cinderella. You haven’t seen her, have you? She’s…[indicates]…so high, with blonde hair. The beautifullest eyes, the sweetest smile, and…[sighs]…I’m madly in love with her. But don’t let on to her, will you? Silly me, you don’t know who I am yet, do you? [response] Some of you have seen this panto before haven’t you? But for those that haven’t, my name’s Buttons, and I work here at Hardup Hall. Now, the usual routine is whenever I come on and shout, hiya boys and girls! You all shout back, hiya Buttons! And as it’s a traditional, panto we’ll keep it that way, okay? I’m looking for Cinders to warn her that her new stepsisters are arriving today. And the word is, they’re real horrors. I’ll try the kitchen. Bye! [exits SR]

Enter Uglies [SL] with suitcases.

PROSECCO: What a dump!

LAMBRINI: I thought mother said old Baron Hardup, was loaded.

PROSECCO: Maybe he’s an eccentric millionaire.

LAMBRINI: An electric millionaire!?

PROSECCO: I said eccentric, not electric!

LAMBRINI: What’s eccentric, then?

PROSECCO: It’s when people own millions, but still go around dressed like tramps.

LAMBRINI: What kind of a millionaire would go around dressed like a tramp?

PROSECCO: Jeremy Clarkson for a start.

LAMBRINI: Well, I hope he doesn’t expect us to dress like tramps.

Enter Buttons [SL]

BUTTONS: Hiya boys and girls! Cinders wasn’t in the kitchen.

PROSECCO: Who are you?

LAMBRINI: Perhaps he’s a burglar.

BUTTONS: I’m not a burglar!

PROSECCO: Can you prove you’re not a burglar?

BUTTONS: Of course, I can!

LAMBRINI: How?

BUTTONS: All burglars wear masks and striped jumpers and carry a big sack, with SWAG written on it.

PROSECCO: He’s right sis’. I saw it once in an old black and white silent movie.

BUTTONS: You probably saw the premier.

PROSECCO: Watch it, buster!

BUTTONS: My name’s Buttons, not Buster. And I work here at Hardup Hall.

PROSECCO: Then maybe you can tell us who let this…[indicates audience]…riffraff in!

BUTTONS: I think they might be tourists.

UGLIES: Tourists!

BUTTONS: The Baron opened Hardup Hall to the public, to help bring in more money.

LAMBRINI: Well, I hope they’re house-trained.

PROSECCO: [to audience] Have you all wiped your feet before coming in?

LAMBRINI: Some look like they haven’t wiped their faces, never mind their feet.

Enter Cinderella [SR]

BUTTONS: Cinders! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

CINDERELLA: What did you want Buttons?

BUTTONS: [glances at Uglies] I’ll tell you later, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: You must be my new stepsisters. Father said you’d be arriving today.

PROSECCO: Then why didn’t you meet us at the station and carry our bags?

CINDERELLA: I meant too, but I was tired after cleaning out the fireplaces and I fell asleep.

LAMBRINI: Mother said you were always falling asleep on the job.

PROSECCO: She said you were a lazy good-for-nothing.

BUTTONS: Cinders isn’t lazy, she works really hard she does!

CINDERELLA: Thanks Buttons, and you work really hard too.

LAMBRINI: What’s this, a mutual appreciation society?

Enter Baron Hardup [SL]

BARON: Good morning, everyone!

UGLIES: Good morning, stepdaddykins!

CINDERELLA: Good morning father.

BARON: Good morning Cinders. I see you’ve already met your stepsisters, Lambrini and Prosecco.

PROSECCO: The pleasure was all hers.

BARON: Take the bags up to their rooms, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Righto, Baron. [to Uglies] This way, ladies.

UGLIES: Cheek!

BARON: I meant their luggage, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Sorry, my mistake. [tries lifting cases] What’s in these cases?

LAMBRINI: Mine is full of makeup.

PROSECCO: So, that’s ten packets of Polyfilla.

BUTTONS: And what’s in yours?

PROSECCO: Just a few bottles of liquid detox.

LAMBRINI: Otherwise known as, Scotch.

BUTTONS: I’d better fetch a wheelbarrow. [exits SR]

Enter Baroness [SL]

BARONESS: There you are Henry!

BARON: Oh, hello dear.

BARONESS: Have you collected your pension from the post office yet?

BARON: [holding up a pension book] I was just going dear.

BARONESS: [snatches book] My girls will fetch it for you and save your rickety old legs.

PROSECCO: [takes book] We’ll be happy to spend…I mean, fetch it for him.

CINDERELLA: I’ll go with them, father.

BARONESS: Oh no, you won’t! You will stay here and finish your chores! And try not to fall asleep this time.

LAMBRINI: I’m going to buy myself a whole new wardrobe.

PROSECCO: I’d rather buy some new clothes.

BARON: My pension is for paying bills, not for buying you new clothes!

BARONESS: You can’t expect my girls to dress in rags!

CINDERELLA: Rags are all I ever wear.

LAMBRINI: We could tell right away you had rubbish dress sense.