Cinderella Version 3 (Perusal)

Scene One

Hardup Hall

Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SR)

Enter Buttons (SL) calling.

BUTTONS: Cinderella! Cinderella! Hello boys and girls! I’m looking for Cinderella. You haven’t seen her, have you? She’s…(indicates)…so high, with blonde hair. The sweetest smile, and…(sighs)…I’m madly in love with her. But don’t let on to her, will you? Silly me, you don’t know who I am, do you? (response) Some of you have seen this panto before, haven’t you? But for those that haven’t, my name’s Buttons, and I’m the Butler here at Hardup Hall. Now, the usual routine is whenever I come on and shout, hiya boys and girls! You all shout back, hiya Buttons! And as it’s a traditional, panto we’ll keep it that way, okay? I’m looking for Cinders to warn her that her new stepsisters are arriving soon. And the word is, they’re real horrors.

Enter Uglies (SL) with suitcases.

BUTTONS: I think they’ve just arrived.

LAMBRINI: What a dump! I thought mother said old Baron Hardup, was loaded.

PROSECCO: Maybe he’s an eccentric millionaire.

LAMBRINI: What’s an electric millionaire?

PROSECCO: I said eccentric! Not electric!

LAMBRINI: What’s eccentric, then?

PROSECCO: It’s people who have millions in the bank but go around dressed as tramps.

LAMBRINI: What kind of millionaire would go around dressed like a tramp?

PROSECCO: Jeremy Clarkson for a start.

LAMBRINI: Well, I hope he doesn’t expect us to dress like tramps.

BUTTONS: Good morning – ladies?

PROSECCO: Who are you?

LAMBRINI: Perhaps he’s a burglar.

BUTTONS: I’m not a burglar!

PROSECCO: Can you prove you’re not a burglar?

BUTTONS: Of course, I can!

LAMBRINI: How?

BUTTONS: Because all burglars wear masks and striped jumpers and carry a big sack, with SWAG written on it.

PROSECCO: He’s right sis’. I saw it once in an old silent movie.

BUTTONS: You probably saw the premier.

PROSECCO: Watch it, buster!

BUTTONS: My name’s not Buster, it’s Buttons. And I’m the butler here.

PROSECCO: Then maybe you can tell us who let this…(indicates
audience)…riffraff in!

BUTTONS: I think they’re tourists.

UGLIES: Tourists!

BUTTONS: The Baron opened Hardup Hall to the public, to help bring in more money.

LAMBRINI: Well, I hope they’re all house-trained.

PROSECCO: (to audience) Have you all wiped your feet before coming in?

LAMBRINI: Some look like they haven’t wiped their faces, never mind their feet.

Enter Cinderella (SR)

BUTTONS: Hello, Cinders! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

CINDERELLA: What did you want Buttons?

BUTTONS: Never mind Cinders, I’ll tell you later.

CINDERELLA: Hello! You must be my new stepsisters. Father said you’d be arriving today.

PROSECCO: Then why didn’t you meet us at the station and carry our bags?

CINDERELLA: I meant too. But I was tired after cleaning out the fireplaces and fell asleep.

LAMBRINI: Mother said you were always falling asleep on the job.

PROSECCO: She said that you were a lazy good-for-nothing.

BUTTONS: Cinders isn’t lazy! She works really hard all day.

CINDERELLA: Thank you, Buttons. And you work really hard too.

LAMBRINI: What’s this – a mutual appreciation society?

Enter Baron Hardup (SL)

BARON: Good morning everyone!

UGLIES: Hello, stepdaddykins!

CINDERELLA: Good morning father.

BARON: I see you’ve met your stepsisters, Cinders. Lambrini and Prosecco.

PROSECCO: The pleasure was all hers.

BARON: Take the bags up to their rooms, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Yes, Baron. (to Uglies) This way, ladies.

UGLIES: Cheek!

BARON: I meant their luggage, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Easy mistake to make Baron. (tries lifting cases) What’s in these cases?

LAMBRINI: Mine’s full of makeup.

PROSECCO: So, that’s ten packets of Polyfilla.

BUTTONS: And what’s in yours?

PROSECCO: Just my liquid detox.

LAMBRINI: Otherwise known as, Scotch.

BUTTONS: I’ll just go and fetch a wheelbarrow. (exits SR)

Enter Baroness (SL)

BARON: See you later girls. (waving a pension book) I’m off to collect my pension.

BARONESS: (snatches book) My girls will fetch it for you and save your rickety old legs.

PROSECCO: (takes book) Ta mumsy!

CINDERELLA: I’ll go with them, father.

BARONESS: Oh no, you won’t. You’ll stay here and finish doing your chores.

LAMBRINI: And try not to fall asleep this time.

PROSECCO: Let’s go shopping Lambrini.

LAMBRINI: I’m going to buy myself a whole new wardrobe. What about you Prosecco?

PROSECCO: I’m not buying a wardrobe. I’m buying clothes.

BARON: My pension is for paying bills, not for buying your clothes!

BARONESS: You can’t expect the girls to dress in rags.

CINDERELLA: Rags are all I ever wear.

LAMBRINI: We could tell right away you had no dress sense.

PROSECCO: Although rags do seem to suit you.

Exit Uglies (SL) laughing.

BARON: How am I supposed to pay the bills if I haven’t any money?

BARONESS: Get a payday loan, what else? (pushes him off SL and both exit)

Enter Buttons (SR) with a wheelbarrow.

BUTTONS: I see the horrors have gone, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: Yes, Buttons. I thought my stepmother was bad enough, until I met them.

BUTTONS: Cheer up Cinders.

CINDERELLA: I wish I could, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Wait there, Cinders. (exits with suitcases in wheelbarrow SL)

CINDERELLA: I wonder what Buttons is up to?

Enter Buttons (SL) hiding a Teddy Bear behind his back.

BUTTONS: I’ve got something here that’ll help cheer you up, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: What is it Buttons?

BUTTONS: It’s something I’ve spent years playing with in my bedroom, and it’s given me endless pleasure.

CINDERELLA: I can’t wait to see it.

BUTTONS: Close your eyes and hold out your hands, and I’ll give it to you.

CINDERELLA: (uneasy) Er – okay then. (closes her eyes and holds out her hands)

BUTTONS: Here you are Cinders. (places a threadbare teddy in her hands – it has an arm and an eye missing)

CINDERELLA: (feeling it) Oh, it feels lovely and soft and furry. I wonder what it could be.

BUTTONS: Open your eyes and see.

CINDERELLA: (opens her eyes) It’s a teddy bear! Oh Buttons, how sweet of you.

BUTTONS: He’s, Fred Bear.

CINDERELLA: Never mind, I’m sure he’ll look much better once I’ve stitched its arm back on. And replaced his missing eye and put some more stuffing in.

BUTTONS: No, Cinders. His name’s, Fred. I’ve had him ever since I was a child.

CINDERELLA: You’re giving me your favourite teddy?

BUTTONS: I thought you might like to cuddle it in bed, whenever you feel a bit down.

CINDERELLA: (hugs him) How sweet! Oh Buttons, I do love you!

BUTTONS: (delighted) Oh Cinders, you’ve made me the happiest person in the whole world! And once we’re married…

CINDERELLA: (shocked) Married!?

BUTTONS: I know it’s a bit sudden, Cinders. But I love you and you love me…

CINDERELLA: I’m terribly sorry Buttons, but I think you misunderstood me.

BUTTONS: You mean, you don’t love me?

CINDERELLA: I do love you Buttons, but only as a friend.

BUTTONS: (deflated) A friend?

CINDERELLA: My closest and dearest friend. (kisses his cheek)

BUTTONS: (sighs to audience) So near and yet so far.

Music cue 3: Enter Uglies (SL) carrying designer shopping bags.

LAMBRINI: A pension doesn’t go very far these days, does it, Pro?

PROSECCO: No, Lammy. Especially when you’re shopping for designer outfits.

CINDERELLA: Father’s pension won’t stretch to buying designer outfits!

BUTTONS: Any outfit would have to stretch to fit those two.

LAMBRINI: How would you like us to stretch your neck, Brackets?

BUTTONS: It’s, Buttons!

SFX: Loud door knock.

PROSECCO: I wonder who that could be.

LAMBRINI: It could be the store detective!

PROSECCO: Let’s scarper, quick!

Exit Uglies at a run (SL) knocking over the Baron who is just entering.

LAMBRINI: Out of our way you decrepit old fool!

CINDERELLA: Father!

Enter Baroness (SL) as Cinderella and Buttons help the Baron up.

BARONESS: I see your father has reached the falling down stage, Cinderella. I’d better order him a Zimmer frame.

BARON: I don’t need a Zimmer frame! Your clumsy daughters knocked me over as they rushed off!

BARONESS: Then maybe you should move out of their way a bit quicker.

SFX: Loud door knock.

BARONESS: Answer the door, Buttons!

BUTTONS: Yes, mistress. (opens door)

Enter Count de Cash.

COUNT: Greetings! I am the Count de Cash.

BARONESS: What can we do for you Count?

COUNT: Your rent is months overdue, and I’m here to collect.

BARONESS: (to Baron) Why haven’t you paid the rent?

BARON: But I gave you the money to pay it.

BARONESS: Paying the rent is your responsibility.

COUNT: I don’t care who pays, just so long as I get it.

BARON: I’m afraid I find myself financially embarrassed, at the moment Count.

BUTTONS: And he’s skint an’ all.

BARON: Ever since I re-married, my portfolio has shrunk considerably.

BARONESS: It wasn’t that big to start with.

CINDERELLA: Perhaps we could come to some arrangement, Count.

COUNT: (leering at Cinders) Yes, perhaps we could.

BARON: Anything Count – just name it!

COUNT: Allow me to marry one of your daughters, and you can live here rent free.

Enter Uglies at a run (SL) jostling for position.

PROSECCO: Did somebody mention marriage? BARONESS:Count de Cash here, has just offered to waive our rent, in return for marrying one of you girls.

LAMBRINI: Marry me, Count!

PROSECCO: No, me!

BARONESS: Which one of my beautiful daughters takes your fancy, Count?

COUNT: (indicating Uglies) Neither of these ugly old hags for a start.

LAMBRINI: How dare you call my sister, old!

BARON: But that only leaves Cinderella.

COUNT: (rubbing his hands) Yes, it does, doesn’t it?

BUTTONS: Cinders can’t possibly marry the Count!

BARONESS: Who asked you?

CINDERELLA: Button’s is right. The Count is much too old for me.

PROSECCO: He might be old, but his money is ageless.

COUNT: (to Cinders) Marry me, and your family can live here rent free. Refuse, and you’ll all be out on your ear by tomorrow!

CINDERELLA: I’m sorry Count, but when I marry it will be for love and not money.

LAMBRINI: She’s stark raving bonkers!

PROSECCO: Do you want us to be evicted, Cinderella?

CINDERELLA: Of course not!

BARONESS: Then marry the Count!

CINDERELLA: (seeking support) Father!?

BARON: I would never force you to marry against your will, Cinders.

COUNT: Have it your way, Baron. The debt-collectors will call round tomorrow. And if you can’t pay up, then out you go! (exits SL)

BARONESS: (to Cinders) You, selfish girl Cinderella!

LAMBRINI: You could’ve set us up for life!

PROSECCO: How are we going to pay the rent now?

BUTTONS: You could both get jobs for starters.

UGLIES: Ooooh! (waver with shock)

LAMBRINI: He mentioned the W word – work.

PROSECCO: I need to have a lie down. I’ve got one of my heads coming on.

BUTTONS: Let’s hope it’s better than the one you’ve got on now.

UGLIES: Shut it, Buckets!

BUTTONS: It’s, Buttons!

Exit Uglies (SL)

BARONESS: You’ll live to regret your selfish decision, Cinderella. (exits SL)

CINDERELLA: Thank you for sticking up for me father.

BUTTONS: (fist bumps Baron) Yeah, respect Baron.

BARON: Thanks Buttons. But I must still find a way to pay the rent or lose Hardup Hall. If only I could win the lottery – or even afford a ticket.

BUTTONS: I’ve got it, Baron! Why don’t you have a car-boot sale?

BARON: I don’t own a car.

BUTTONS: Table-top sale?

CINDERELLA: The only table we have is in the kitchen, and I use that.

BARON: I’ll search the house and see what I can find to pawn. (exits SR)

BUTTONS: I’ll go and give him a hand. See you later Cinders. (exits SR)

CINDERELLA: I can’t bear the thought of losing Hardup Hall. Maybe I should put my own feelings aside and marry Count de Cash, instead. Music cue 4: Cinderella. After song ends…She hangs her head as lights dim.