Cinderella Version 3 (Perusal)

Scene One

Hardup Hall

Music cue 2: Maids. After song ends…Exit Maids (SR)

Enter Buttons (SL) calling.

Buttons Cinderella! Cinderella! (to audience) Hello boys and girls! I’m looking for Cinderella. You haven’t seen her, have you? She’s about…(indicates)…so high, with blonde hair. The sweetest smile, and…(sighs)…I’m madly in love with her. But don’t let on to her, will you? Silly me. You don’t know who I am, do you? (response) Some of you have seen this panto before, haven’t you? But for those that haven’t, my name’s Buttons, and I’m the Butler here at Hardup Hall. Now, the usual routine is whenever I come on and shout, hiya boys and girls! You all shout back, hiya Buttons! And I’m a traditionalist, so we’ll keep it that way, okay? I’m looking for Cinders to warn her that her new stepsisters are arriving soon. And the word is, they’re real horrors.

Enter Uglies (SL) with suitcases.

Buttons (to audience) I think they’ve just arrived.

Lambrini What a dump! I thought mother said that old Baron Hardup, was loaded.

Prosecco Maybe he’s an eccentric millionaire.

Lambrini What’s an electric millionaire?

Prosecco I said eccentic! Not electric!

Lambrini What’s eccentric, then?

Prosecco It’s people who have millions in the bank, but still go around dressed like tramps.

Lambrini What kind of millionaire would go around dressed like a tramp?

Prosecco Jeremy Clarkson for a start.

Lambrini Well I hope he doesn’t expect us to dress like tramps.

Buttons Good morning…ladies? And welcome to Hardup Hall.

Prosecco Who are you?

Lambrini Perhaps he’s a burglar.

Buttons I’m not a burglar!

Prosecco Can you prove you’re not a burglar?

Buttons Of coures, I can!

Lambrini How?

Buttons Because all burglars wear masks and striped jumpers and carry a big sack, with SWAG written on it.

Prosecco He’s right sis’. I saw it once in an old silent movie.

Buttons You probably saw the premier.

Prosecco (threatens him) Watch it, buster!

Buttons My name’s not Buster, it’s Buttons. And I’m the butler here.

Prosecco Then maybe you can tell us who let this…(indicates audience)…riffraff in!

Buttons I think they’re tourists.

Uglies Tourists!

Buttons The Baron opened Hardup Hall to the public, to help bring in more money.

Lambrini Well, I hope they’re all house-trained.

Prosecco (to audience) Have you all wiped your feet before coming in?

Lambrini Some look like they haven’t wiped their faces, never mind their feet.

Enter Cinderella (SR)

Buttons Hello, Cinders! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.

Cinderella What did you want Buttons?

Buttons I’ll tell you later.

Cinderella (to Uglies) You must be my new stepsisters. Father said you’d be arriving today.

Prosecco Then why didn’t you meet us at the station and carry our bags?

Cinderella I meant too. But I was so tired after cleaning out all the fireplaces, that I fell asleep.

Lambrini Mother said you were always falling asleep on the job.

Prosecco She also said that you were a lazy good-for-nothing.

Buttons Cinders isn’t lazy! She works really hard, she does.

Cinderella Thank you, Buttons. And you work really hard too.

Lambrini What’s this then? A mutual appreciation society?

Enter Baron Hardup (SL)

Baron Good morning everyone!

Uglies Hello, stepdaddykins!

Cinderella Good morning father.

Baron I see you’ve met your stepsisters, Cinders. (introducing) Lambrini and Prosecco.

Prosecco The pleasure was all hers.

Baron Take the bags up to their rooms, Buttons.

Buttons Yes, Baron. (to Uglies) This way, ladies.

Uglies Cheek!

Baron I meant their luggage, Buttons.

Buttons Sorry, my mistake. (struggles to lift cases) Nnnng! What’s in these cases?Lambrini Mine is full of makeup.

Prosecco So, that’s ten packets of Polyfilla.

Buttons And what’s in yours?

Prosecco Just my liquid detox.

Lambrini Otherwise known as, Scotch.

Buttons I’ll just go and fetch a wheelbarrow. (exits SR)

Enter Baroness (SL)

Baron See you later girls. (holding up his pension book) I’m just off to collect my pension.

Baroness (snatches the pension book) I’ll take that.

Baron But I need it to collect my pension to pay my bills.

Baroness My girls will fetch it for you and save your shaky old legs. (hands book to Prosecco)

Prosecco (takes book) Ta!

Cinderella I’ll go with them, father.

Baroness Oh no, you won’t. You’ll be too busy doing chores.

Lambrini And try not to fall asleep this time.

Prosecco (waving book at Lambrini) Let’s go shopping sis’.

Lambrini I’m going to buy myself a whole new wardrobe.

Prosecco Me too.

Baron My pension is for paying bills. Not for buying clothes for you two!

Baroness You can’t expect the girls to dress in tatty old clothes.

Cinderella Tatty old clothes are all I ever wear.

Lambrini We could tell right away that you had no dress sense.

Prosecco Although tatty clothes do seem to suit you.

Exit Uglies (SL) laughing.

Baron (to Baroness) How am I supposed to pay the bills, if I haven’t any money?

Baroness Go and get a payday loan. (pushes him off SL and both exit)

Enter Buttons (SR) with a wheelbarrow.

Buttons I see the horrors have gone, then.

Cinderella Yes, Buttons. I thought my stepmother was bad enough, until I met my stepsisters.

Buttons Cheer up Cinders.

Cinderella I wish I could, Buttons.

Buttons I have an idea, Cinders. Wait there. (puts suitcases in wheelbarrow and exits SL)

Cinderella I wonder what Buttons is up to?

Enter Buttons (SL) hiding a Teddy Bear behind his back.

Buttons I’ve got something here that will help to cheer you up, Cinders.

Cinderella What is it Buttons?

Buttons It’s something I’ve spent years playing with in my bedroom, and it’s given me lots of pleasure.

Cinderella That sounds interesting, Buttons.

Buttons Close your eyes and hold out your hands, and I’ll give it to you.

Cinderella Okay then. (closes her eyes and holds out her hands)

Buttons Here you are. (places a threadbare teddy her hands. It has one arm and one eye)

Cinderella (feeling the Teddy) Oh, it feels lovely and soft. I wonder what it could be.

Buttons Open your eyes and see.

Cinderella (opens her eyes) It’s a teddy bear! Oh Buttons, how sweet of you.

Buttons He’s, Fred Bear.

Cinderella Never mind, Buttons. I’m sure he’ll look much better once, I’ve stitched his arm back on. And replaced his missing eye and put some more stuffing in.

Buttons No. That’s his name, Fred Bear. I’ve had him ever since I was a child.

Cinderella You’re giving me your favourite teddy?

Buttons I thought you might like to cuddle it in bed at night, whenever you feel a bit down.

Cinderella (hugs him) Oh Buttons, I do love you!

Buttons (delighted) Oh Cinders, you’ve made me the happiest person in the whole world! And once we’re married…

Cinderella (shocked) Married!?

Buttons I know it’s a bit sudden, Cinders. But I love you and you love me, and…

Cinderella…I’m sorry Buttons, but I think you misunderstood me.

Buttons You mean, you don’t love me?

Cinderella I do love you Buttons. But only as a friend.

Buttons (deflated) A friend?

Cinderella My closest and dearest friend. (kisses his cheek)

Buttons (sighs to audience) So near and yet so far.

Enter Uglies (SL) carrying designer shopping bags.

Lambrini A pension doesn’t go very far these days, does it, sis’?

Prosecco No. Especially when you’re shopping for designer outfits.

Cinderella Father’s pension won’t stretch to buying designer outfits!

Buttons Any outfit would have to stretch to fit those two.

Lambrini How would you like us to stretch your neck, Brackets?

Buttons It’s, Buttons!

SFX: Loud knocking at door.

Prosecco I wonder who that could be.

Lambrini It could be the store-detective!

Prosecco Then let’s scarper, quick!

Exit Uglies at a run (SL) knocking over the Baron who is entering (SL)

Lambrini Out of our way, you decrepit old fool!

Cinderella Father!

Enter Baroness (SL) as Cinderella and Buttons help the Baron to his feet.

Baroness I see your father has reached the falling down stage, Cinderella. I’d better order him a zimmer-frame.

Baron I don’t need a zimmer-frame! Your clumsy daughters knocked me over as they rushed off.

Baroness Then maybe you should move out of their way a bit quicker.

SFX: Louder knocking at door.

Baroness Answer the door, Buttons.

Buttons Yes, mistress. (opens the door)

Enter Count de Cash.

Count Greetings! I am, Count de Cash.

Baroness What can we do for you Count?

Count You’re several months overdue with the rent, and I’m here to collect.

Baroness (to Baron) Why haven’t you paid the rent?

Baron But I gave you the money to pay it.

Baroness Paying the rent is your responsibility.

Count I don’t care who pays me, just so long as I get it.

Baron I’m sorry Count. But I’m afraid I find myself financially embarrassed, at the moment.

Buttons And he’s skint an’ all.

Baron Ever since I re-married, my portfolio has shrunk considerably.

Baroness It wasn’t that big to start with.

Cinderella Perhaps we could come to some arrangement, Count.

Count (leering at Cinders) Yes, perhaps we could.

Baron Anything Count, just name it!

Count Allow me to marry one of your daughters, and you can live here rent free, forever.

Enter Uglies at a run (SL) jostling for position.

Prosecco Did somebody mention marriage?

Baroness Count de Cash has just offered to waive our rent, in return for marrying one of you girls.

Lambrini Marry me!

Prosecco No, me!

Uglies (facing each other) Me! Me! Me!

Baroness Which one of my beautiful daughters takes your fancy, Count?

Count (indicating Uglies) Neither of these two ugly old hags for a start.

Lambrini How dare you call us, old!

Baron But that only leaves Cinderella.

Count (rubbing his hands with glee) Yes, indeed.

Buttons Cinders can’t possibly marry the Count!

Baroness Who asked you?

Cinderella Button’s is right. He’s far too old for me, for a start.

Prosecco He might be old, but money is ageless.

Count (to Cinders) Marry me, and your family can live here rent-free. Refuse, and you’ll all be out on your ear by tomorrow. No pressure.

Cinderella I’m sorry Count, but when I marry it will be for love and not money.

Lambrini She’s stark raving bonkers!

Prosecco Do you want us to be evicted, Cinderella?

Cinderella Of course not!

Baroness Then marry the Count!

Cinderella (seeking support) Father!?

Baron I would never force you to marry against your will, Cinders.

Count Have it your way, Baron. The debt-collectors will call round tomorrow. And if you can’t pay up, then out you go. (storms off SL)

Baroness (to Cinders) You, selfish girl!

Lambrini You could’ve set us up for life!

Prosecco How are we going to pay the rent now?

Buttons You could both get jobs for starters.

Uglies Ooooh! (waver with shock)

Lambrini He mentioned the W word.

Prosecco I need to have a lie down. I’ve got one of my heads coming on.

Buttons Let’s hope it’s better than the one you’ve got on now.

Uglies Shut it, Buckets!

Buttons It’s, Buttons!

Exit Uglies (SL)

Baroness You’ll live to regret your selfish decision, Cinderella. (exits SL)

Cinderella Thank you for sticking up for me father.

Buttons (fist bumps Baron) Yeah, respect Baron.

Baron Thank you. But I must still find a way to pay the rent.

Cinderella Couldn’t you extend your overdraft, father?

Baron I’m afraid not. If only I were a rich man. Music cue 3: Baron. After song ends…

Buttons (exclaims) I’ve got it! Why don’t you have a car-boot sale?

Baron I don’t own a car.

Buttons Table-top sale?

Cinderella The only table we have is in the kitchen, and I use that.

Baron I’ll search the house and see what I can find to pawn. (exits SR)

Buttons I’d better give him a hand, Cinders. See you later. (exits SR)

Cinderella I couldn’t bear the thought of father losing Hardup Hall. Maybe I should put my own feelings aside and marry Count de Cash, after all. Music cue 4: Cinderella. After song ends…She hangs her head as lights dim.