SCENE ONE
HARDUP HALL
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Buttons [SL] minus his hat. [see note in properties]
BUTTONS: Hiya boys and girls! My name’s, Buttons!
CHORUS 1: Where’s your hat, Buttons?
BUTTONS: [feeling for it] Oh, no! [exits and returns wearing it] That was a close call. The Baroness said she’d sack me if she ever saw me without my hat on. But I’m so forgetful it’s bound to happen again. Boys and girls, will you all do me a big favour? If you see me without my hat, will you shout, ‘where’s your hat, Buttons’? Thanks. And now you all know my name; I’d better find out yours. [shaking hands with people in the front row] Hello, what’s your name? Hello, what’s your name…?
CHORUS 2: Leave it out, Buttons, it’ll take you forever!
BUTTONS: You’re right. [returns to stage] Whenever I come on and shout, ‘hiya boys and girls’, you all shout back, ‘hiya Buttons’, okay? Mind you, if I’ve forgotten my hat, it might get confusing. I know. If I’m wearing my hat, shout, ‘hiya Buttons’. And if I’m not, shout, ‘where’s your hat, Buttons’? Okay? Let’s have a trial run. [exits and returns wearing hat] Hiya, boys and girls! Not bad. Let’s have another go. [exits and returns minus hat] Hiya boys and girls! I’m sure you’ll improve with practice. Have some Chocolate Buttons. [distributes them] I used to enjoy working at Hardup Hall, but the new Baroness is making my life a misery.
CHORUS 3: Then why do you carry on working here, Buttons?
CHORUS 4: It’s because he fancies the Baroness’s stepdaughter, Cinderella.
BUTTONS: Is it that obvious?
CHORUS: Yes, Buttons!
BUTTONS: It’s true, I think she’s wonderful. [sighs]
CHORUS 1: Then why don’t you ask her out?
BUTTONS: [bashful] I’m too shy.
CHORUS 2: Faint heart never won fair maiden, Buttons.
BUTTONS: You’re right. The next time I see Cinders I’ll tell her how I feel about her.
CHORUS 3: [looking SR] Now’s your chance, Buttons, here she comes.
BUTTONS: Oh, gosh, my legs are turning to jelly.
CHORUS 4: It’s time to man up, Buttons.
Exit Chorus [SL]
BUTTONS:
[psyching himself] Come on, Buttons, you can do this.
Enter Cinderella [SR]
CINDERELLA: Hello, Buttons!
BUTTONS: Listen, Cinders, I’ve got something to tell you.
CINDERELLA: What is it, Buttons?
BUTTONS: [hand on heart] I’ve fallen madly in love, Cinders.
CINDERELLA: Oh, Buttons, I’m so happy!
BUTTONS: You are!?
CINDERELLA: Yes, Buttons, now, tell me all about her. What’s she like? Do I know her?
BUTTONS: Actually, Cinders, it’s…
SFX: Tyre screech and loud crash.
Enter Dolce and Gabbana, staggering on via a side door in the hall.
GABBANA: How come the taxi driver didn’t see that lamppost, Dolce?
DOLCE: He probably got distracted when you grabbed his gearstick, Gabbana.
GABBANA: It was an accident! I only leaned over to check his meter was running.
DOLCE: Luckily, we had twin airbags to cushion the impact.
Uglies hoist their bosoms.
GABBANA: What do you think of my new dress, Dolce?
DOLCE: You call that a dress? I thought the circus must be in town.
GABBANA: Are you saying my dress looks like a big-top?
DOLCE: Yes, but at least it matches your big bottom.
GABBANA: Cheek! This is a Primark Toofer!
DOLCE: What’s a Toofer?
GABBANA: Two for a tenner. It’s extravagant, I know, but you must dress to impress if you want to get a man.
DOLCE: I think I’ve already got one. [sits on a man’s knee] Hello, handsome.
GABBANA: Is he any good?
DOLCE: He’s got a pulse; that’s always a good start.
GABBANA: I’ve found myself a real hunk. [sits on a man’s knee] Hello, big boy.
DOLCE: He looks stunned.
GABBANA: It’s the effect my ravishing beauty has on men. How’s yours doing?
DOLCE: He’s going blue round the edges.
GABBANA: I’m not surprised with you sitting on him.
DOLCE: I might have to do mouth to mouth regurgitation.
GABBANA: That should finish him off.
DOLCE: [squirms] Ooooh!
GABBANA: What’s the matter, Dolce?
DOLCE: I can feel his mobile vibrating. At least I think that’s what it is.
GABBANA: Let’s forget these two, sis. Mother says we must set our sights higher when it comes to men.
DOLCE: She can talk! She married an old duffer with one foot in the grave!
CINDERELLA: That’s my late father you’re talking about!
GABBANA: Who rattled your cage?
Uglies make their way onstage.
DOLCE: [shoves Cinders aside] Move aside loser, the genuine talent has arrived!
GABBANA: We’ve both been on BGT.
BUTTONS: [aside] They put them in the weirdos and misfits section.
DOLCE: Cheek! Everybody’s jealous of us, Gabby.
GABBANA: That’s the price one pays for being utterly talented and gorgeous.
DOLCE: I smell chocolate!
GABBANA: Have you been at my secret stash, Cinderella!?
CINDERELLA: I don’t even know where it is.
DOLCE: It’s in her bottom drawer.
GABBANA: Big gob! Now everybody will be rummaging in my drawers trying to get their hands on my goodies!
DOLCE: I doubt there’ll be a rush.
BUTTONS: The chocolate was mine, and I shared it with all the boys and girls.
GABBANA: He’s lying for that little thief.
DOLCE: Let’s frisk her, Gabby.
Uglies grab Cinderella and start bodily searching her.
CINDERELLA: Get off me!
BUTTONS: Leave Cinders alone!
Enter Baroness [SL]
BARONESS: What’s all the kerfuffle?
GABBANA: It’s Cinderella, Mumsy!
DOLCE: She’s been horrible and mean to us!
CINDERELLA: No, I haven’t!
BUTTONS: It was the other way round, actually.
BARONESS: My poor darlings! You wicked girl, Cinderella!
GABBANA: And she’s invited all her chav friends round. [indicating audience] Look!
DOLCE: And Buttons gave them chocolate from my drawers.
BUTTONS: I wouldn’t go anywhere near your drawers!
BARONESS: Zip it, Buttons!
GABBANA: Did you get much from Cash Converters for all that old jewellery, Mother?
BARONESS: No, they said it was all cheap rubbish and only gave me a fiver.
CINDERELLA: Are things that bad you’ve had to sell your jewellery, Stepmother?
BARONESS: It wasn’t my jewellery! I got it from that box you keep under your bed.
CINDERELLA: But that was my late mother’s jewellery!
BUTTONS: That was a rotten thing to do, Baroness.
BARONESS: Button it, Buttons! [to Uglies] Come along girls, I’ll take you for some retail therapy to get over this nasty bullying incident with Cinderella.
UGLIES: Thank you, Mumsy!
BARONESS: [handing her a list] Here is a list of chores, Cinderella, and it had better all be done by the time I get back.
Exit Baroness and Uglies [SL]
CINDERELLA: How could they sell my poor mother’s jewellery, Buttons? [cries]
BUTTONS: Because they’re heartless, Cinders, that’s why.
CINDERELLA: [unrolls list to the floor] This lot will take me forever!
