Scene One
Hardup Hall
Music cue 2: Maids. After song ends…All exit (SR)
Buttons runs on (SL) calling.
Buttons
Cinders! Cinders! (spots audience) Oh, hello. I’m looking for Cinderella. You haven’t seen her have you? She’s about…(indicates)…so big, with…(relevant colour)…hair and the sweetest smile and…(sighs)…I’m madly in love with her. But I’m too shy to tell her. Hang on, you don’t know who I am do you? (audience respond) Some of you have seen this panto before, haven’t you? But for those that haven’t, my name is ‘Buttons’ and I’m the Butler here at Hardup Hall. I’m looking for Cinders because her new stepsisters move in today, and apparently they’re real horrors. So I’m trying to find Cinders and warn her. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll carry on looking for her. See you all later. (runs off USR)
The Uglies enter through the door and drop their luggage on the floor.
Lambrini
(looking around) What a dump this place is. I thought mother said that old Baron Hardup, was loaded.
Prosecco
Perhaps he’s an eccentric millionaire. You know the sort. Millions in the bank, but still goes around dressed in rags.
Lambrini
Well he’d better not expect us to do likewise.
Buttons enters (SR)
Buttons
(to audience) I can’t find Cinders anywhere. (spots Uglies and whispers to audience) They must be the Baron’s new stepdaughters.
Prosecco
(to Buttons) Who are you?
Lambrini
Maybe he’s a burglar.
Buttons
I’m not a burglar!
Prosecco
Can you prove you’re not a burglar?
Buttons
Of course I can.
Lambrini
How?
Buttons
Well everybody knows that burglars wear striped jumpers and masks, and carry a big bag with ‘SWAG’ written on it.
Prosecco
He’s right Lambrini. I saw it once in an old silent movie.
Buttons
Are you sure you weren’t in it?
Prosecco
(threatens him) Watch it, buster.
Buttons
My name’s not Buster, it’s Buttons. And I’m the butler here at Hardup Hall.
Prosecco
Then maybe you can tell us who in let this…(indicates audience)…riff-raff!
Buttons
I think they’re tourists.
Uglies
Tourists!
Buttons
The Baron’s opened Hardup Hall to the public, to help bring in more money.
Lambrini
Well I hope they’re house-trained.
Prosecco
(to audience) Have you all wiped your feet before coming in?
Lambrini
(peering out) Some look like they haven’t even wiped their faces, never mind feet.
Cinderella enters (SR)
Buttons
Cinders! I’ve been looking everywhere for you.
Cinderella
What did you want Buttons?
Buttons
(glances at the Uglies) It doesn’t matter now.
Cinderella
(to Uglies) Hello there! You must be my new stepsisters. Father said you’d be arriving today.
Prosecco
Then why didn’t you come and meet us and carry our bags?
Cinderella
I meant too. But I’ve been up all night cleaning out fireplaces, and was so tired that I fell asleep.
Lambrini
Mother said you were always falling asleep on the job.
Prosecco
She also said you were a ‘lazy good for nothing, layabout’.
Buttons
Cinders isn’t lazy! She works really hard she does.
Cinderella
Thank you, Buttons. And you work really hard too.
Lambrini
What’s this, a mutual appreciation society?
Baron Hardup enters (SL)
Baron
(cheery) Good morning everyone!
Uglies
Hello, stepdaddykins!
Cinderella
Good morning father.
Baron
Hello Cinders. I see you’ve met your stepsisters…(introducing them in turn)…Lambrini and Prosecco.
Cinderella
Yes, father.
Prosecco
The pleasure was all hers.
Baron
(to Buttons) Buttons, take the bags up to their rooms.
Buttons
Yes, Baron. (takes the Uglies by the arm) This way, ladies.
Uglies
(shove him away) Geerroff!
Baron
I meant their luggage, Buttons.
Buttons
Sorry, my mistake. (struggles to lift the cases) Gnnng! What’s in these cases?
Lambrini
Mine’s full of makeup.
Prosecco
So that’s ten kilos of Polyfilla.
Buttons
(to Prosecco) And what’s in yours?
Prosecco
It’s my liquid detox.
Lambrini
Otherwise known as ‘Scotch’.
Buttons
I’ll just go and fetch a sack-barrow. (exits SL)
Baroness enters (USL)
Baron
See you later girls. (holding up his pension book) I’m just off to collect my pension.
Baroness
(grabs the pension book) I’ll take that.
Baron
But…but…but…
Baroness
My girls will fetch it for you, and save your old legs.
Prosecco
(takes the book) Thank you!
Cinderella
(to Baron) I’ll go with them, father.
Baroness
Oh no, you won’t. You’ll be too busy doing chores.
Lambrini
And try not to fall asleep this time.
Prosecco
(waving the pension-book at Lambrini) Let’s go shopping sis’.
Lambrini
Oooh, yes! I’m going to buy myself a whole new outfit.
Prosecco
Me too.
Baron
My pension isn’t for spending on new outfits for you two!
Baroness
You can’t expect the girls to dress in tatty old clothes.
Cinderella
Tatty clothes are all I ever wear.
Lambrini
It’s hardly our fault you have no dress sense.
Prosecco
Although somehow, tatty clothes seem quite suited to her.
Uglies exit (SL) laughing as Buttons enters with a sackbarrow.
Baron
(to Baroness) How am I supposed to pay the bills, if they spend all my money?
Baroness
Go and get a payday loan. (pushes him off SL and both exit)
Cinderella
(sighs) Poor father. I feel so sorry for him.
Buttons
Cheer up Cinders.
Cinderella
I wish I could, Buttons.
Buttons
I’ve got something that might help. Stay right there and don’t move. (exits SL)
Cinderella
I wonder what Buttons is up too, now?
Buttons re-enters hiding a Teddy Bear behind his back.
Buttons
I’ve got something here that’ll help to cheer you up Cinders.
Cinderella
(intrigued) What is it Buttons?
Buttons
It’s something I’ve spent years playing with in my bedroom, and it’s given me lots of pleasure. Now close your eyes and hold out your hand, and I’ll give it to you.
Cinderella
Okay, Buttons. (to audience) I can’t wait to see what it is. (closes her eyes)
Buttons
Here you are then. (places a threadbare teddy into her hands. It has only one arm and also has an eye missing)
Cinderella
(feeling the Teddy) Oh, it feels lovely and soft. I wonder what it could be.
Buttons
Open your eyes and see.
Cinderella
(opens her eyes) It’s a teddy bear! Oh Buttons, how sweet of you.
Buttons
He’s, ‘Fred Bear’.
Cinderella
Never mind, I’m sure he’ll look much better once I’ve stitched his arm back on. And replaced his missing eye and put some more stuffing in.
Buttons
I mean, his name’s ‘Fred Bear’. I’ve had him ever since I was a child.
Cinderella
You’re giving me your favourite teddy?
Buttons
I thought you might like to cuddle it in bed at night, whenever you feel a bit down.
Cinderella
(hugs him) Oh, I do love you Buttons!
Buttons
(delighted) Oh Cinders, you’ve made me the happiest person in the whole world! And once we’re married…
Cinderella
(shocked) Married!?
Buttons
I know it’s a bit sudden, Cinders. But I love you and you love me, and…
Cinderella
…I’m really sorry Buttons, but I think you misunderstood me.
Buttons
You mean, you don’t love me?
Cinderella
I do love you Buttons, but only as a friend.
Buttons
(deflated) A friend?
Cinderella
My closest and dearest friend. (kisses his cheek)
Buttons
(sighs to audience) So near and yet so far.
Uglies enter (SL) carrying Primark shopping bags.
Lambrini
A pension doesn’t go very far these days, does it?
Prosecco
You’re telling me. We couldn’t afford to shop for designer outfits and had to settle for Primark instead.
Cinderella
Father’s pension won’t stretch to buying you designer outfits!
Buttons
Any outfit would have to stretch to fit those two.
Lambrini
How would you like us to stretch your neck, Brackets?
Buttons
It’s ‘Buttons’!
SFX: Loud knocking at door.
Prosecco
I wonder who that could be.
Lambrini
(to Prosecco) It could be the store-detective!
Prosecco
(to Lambrini) Let’s get out of here, quick!
Uglies dash off (SL) knocking over the Baron who is just entering
Lambrini
Out of our way you decrepit old fool!
Cinderella
Father!
Baroness enters (SL) as Cinderella and Buttons help the Baron to his feet.
Baroness
I see your father has reached the falling down stage, Cinderella. I’d better order him a zimmer-frame.
Baron
I don’t need a zimmer-frame! Your clumsy daughters knocked me over as they rushed off.
Baroness
Then maybe you should move out of the way a bit quicker.
SFX: Louder knocking at door.
Baroness
Answer the door, Buttons
Buttons
Yes, mistress.
Buttons opens the door and Count de Cash enters.
Count
Greetings! I am Count de Cash.
Baroness
What can we do for you Count?
Count
I’m afraid you’re several weeks overdue with the rent.
Baroness
Really? (snaps at Baron) Why haven’t you paid the rent?
Baron
But I gave you the money to pay it.
Baroness
Paying the rent is your responsibility.
Count
I don’t care who pays me, just so long as I get it.
Baron
(to Count) I’m afraid I’m financially embarrassed, at the moment.
Buttons
And he’s skint an’ all.
Cinderella
Ever since father re-married, his portfolio has shrunk to almost nothing.
Baroness
(dryly) It wasn’t very big to start with. (to Count) Perhaps we could come to some arrangement, Count.
Count
(leering at Cinders and stroking his chin) Mmm. Yes, perhaps we could.
Baron
Anything Count, just name it!
Count
Very well then. Allow me to marry one of your daughters, and you won’t have to pay rent ever again.
Uglies rush on (SL) jostling for position.
Prosecco
Did somebody mention ‘marriage’?
Baroness
Yes, girls. Count de Cash has kindly offered to waive our rent, in return for marrying one of you.
Lambrini
Marry me!
Prosecco
No, me!
Uglies
(facing each other) Me! Me! Me!
Baroness
Which one of my beautiful daughters tickles your fancy, Count?
Count
(indicating Uglies) Well neither of these two old hags for a start.
Uglies
Cheek!
Baron
But that only leaves Cinderella.
Count
(rubbing his hands with glee) Indeed.
Buttons
Cinders can’t possibly marry you, Count!
Baroness
(snaps) Who asked you?
Cinderella
(to Count) I’m sorry, Count. But I’m afraid you’re a bit too old for me.
Baroness
Don’t be ridiculous girl. Money is ageless!
Count
(to Cinders) Marry me and your family can live here rent-free. Refuse, and you’ll all be out on your ear by tomorrow. No pressure.
Cinderella
I’m sorry Count, but when I marry it will be for love and not money.
Lambrini
She’s stark raving mad!
Prosecco
(to Cinders) Do you want us all to be evicted?
Cinderella
Of course not!
Baroness
(harshly) Then you must marry the Count!
Cinderella
(seeking support) Father!?
Baron
Don’t worry, Cinders. I’d never force you to marry against your will. We’ll find the money somehow.
Count
Have it your way, Baron. The debt-collectors will call round tomorrow. And if you can’t pay up, then out you go. (storms off SL)
Baroness
(to Cinders) You, selfish girl!
Lambrini
You could’ve set us up for life!
Prosecco
How are we going to pay the rent now?
Buttons
Well you two could get a job for a start.
Uglies
Ooooh! (waver with shock and hold each other up)
Lambrini
I need to have a lie down.
Prosecco
Me too. I’ve got one of my heads coming on
Buttons
Well I hope it’s better than the one you’ve got on at the moment.
Uglies
Shut it, Buckets!
Buttons
It’s ‘Buttons’!
Uglies exit (SL)
Baroness
(to Cinders) You’ll live to regret your decision. (aside to audience) I’ll make sure of that. (exits SL)
Cinderella
Thanks for sticking up for me father.
Buttons
(does fist knock with Baron) Yeah, respect Baron.
Baron
Thank you, Buttons. But it does leave me with a big problem. Namely, how to raise the rent money.
Cinderella
Couldn’t you extend your overdraft, father?
Baron
My overdraft is already over its limit. Oh, if only I were a rich man. Music cue 3: Baron. After song ends…
Buttons
(exclaims) I’ve got it! Why don’t you have a car-boot sale?
Baron
I don’t own a car.
Buttons
Table-top sale?
Cinderella
The only table we have is in the kitchen, and I have to use that.
Buttons
‘Come dine with me’?
Baron
Well it’s a very kind offer Buttons. But how will treating us to a meal, help?
Buttons
No Baron, it’s the name of a TV cookery programme. You cook a meal and invite people round. And whoever cooks the best meal, wins £1,000.
Cinderella
Forget it Buttons, the pantry’s empty.
Baron
I’ll just search the house and see what I can find, to take to the pawnshop. (starts to exit SR)
Buttons
I’ll give you a hand Baron. (to Cinders) See you later Cinders.
Baron and Buttons exit (SR)
Cinderella
I couldn’t bear to see father losing Hardup Hall. Maybe I should put my own feelings aside and marry Count de Cash after all. Music cue 4: Cinderella. After song ends…She slowly hangs her head or walks off as lights dim.
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