Scene One
The Kingdom Of Ruritania
Music cue 5: Villagers. After song ends…Villagers exit either side.
Buttons runs on (SR) carrying a parcel.
Buttons
Hello everybody! (audience respond) I said, ‘hello everybody’! (audience respond) That’s better. Now my name’s Buttons, and I’m the Butler at nearby Hardup Hall. And now that you know my name, perhaps you can all tell me yours. I’ll say ‘hello everybody, my name’s Buttons, what’s yours?’ And then you all shout out your names. Ready? Hello everybody, my name’s Buttons, what’s yours? (audience respond) Who said ‘mine’s a pint’? Well now that I know all your names, I’ll let you in on a little secret. (all shy) I’ve just fallen in love with somebody. (to woman in audience) No love it’s not you, get back in your seat. The person I’m in love with is called ‘Cinderella’, and it’s her birthday today. So I’ve bought her a present and I’m looking for somewhere to leave it, to stop her two ugly stepsisters getting their paws on it. (puts box downstage near the wing) If I leave it here, will you to look after it for me? (audience responds) Thanks. Now if anybody goes near it, I want all you to shout ‘Buttons up’ and I’ll come running. Will you do that? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. I’ll go off and come back on pretending to be someone, about to nick the prezzie. (exits and re-enters and goes to touch the present and audience respond) Fantastic! I’m just off to see if I can find Cinders. See you all later. (exits SL)
Villagers drift back on.
Cinderella enters (SR)
Cinderella
(cheery) Good morning everyone!
Villagers
Good morning Cinders!
Cinderella
Has anybody seen my father this morning?
Villager 1
I saw him coming out of the bank earlier, Cinders.
Cinderella
And did he look happy?
Villager 2
No, he was sobbing uncontrollably.
Cinderella
Oh dear, that’s happening more and more these days.
Baron Hardup enters (SL) looking through papers and sobbing.
Cinderella
(goes to him) Father! Whatever’s the matter?
Baron
I’ve just been looking at my bank statements. If your stepsisters carry on spending like there are, I’ll soon be bankrupt!
Cinderella
Don’t despair father, I’m sure I can make some more savings.
Baron
You’ve made enough sacrifices already, Cinders. You’ve haven’t had a new dress in ages, and it breaks my heart to see you dressed in rags.
Cinderella
I don’t mind mending and making do, father.
Baron
(spots Button’s present) What’s this? Another expensive item bought by your stepsisters no doubt. They probably had that much to carry, they dropped it. (goes to pick it up and audience shout)
Buttons runs on (SL)
Buttons
Keep your hands thieving hands off…! Oh, it’s you Baron.
Baron
Is this yours Buttons?
Buttons
Yes. It’s a present for someone, and that lot…(indicates audience)…are looking after it for me.
Cinderella
Is it for someone special, Buttons?
Buttons
Yes, Cinders. (longingly) Someone very special.
Baron
I’m glad somebody can afford to buy presents. I think I’d better return to the bank.
Cinderella
Are you going to ask them to extend your overdraft?
Baron
No. I’m going to do what any desperate man in my position would do.
Buttons
You’re not going to rob the bank!?
Baron
No. I’m going to grovel at the bank manager’s feet. (exits SL)
Buttons
What’s up with your father, Cinders? He doesn’t seem his usual jolly self.
Cinderella
He’s worried that my stepsister’s spending is going to bankrupt him.
Buttons
I didn’t realise things were that bad. Would it help if I took a pay cut?
Cinderella
That’s very kind of you Buttons, but I know very well you haven’t been paid in ages.
Buttons
That’s true. It’s a good job I have free board and lodgings, or I’d be on the streets selling the Big Issue.
Music cue 6: Buttons, Cinders, and Villagers. After song ends…Chorus exit.
Uglies enter (SL) carrying bags from cheap shops like Matalan, Primark. Etc.
Sciatica
What a pathetic shopping experience that was.
Dyspepsia
I know. Some days are just a total waste of makeup.
Sciatica
There just aren’t enough designer shops here, to satisfy our taste in houte-couture.
Buttons
Have you two been out spending, again?
Dyspepsia
Of course, we have.
Sciatica
There’s nothing else to do in this dump.
Cinderella
Ruritania isn’t a dump, it’s a lovely place.
Buttons
(aside to Cinders) Well it was until they arrived.
Cinderella
(to Uglies) Anyway, father can’t afford your constant spending.
Dyspepsia
Well ever since Daddy dear, decided to turn into Mr Scrooge. We thought we’d save money by going to the sales.
Cinderella
Father’s no Scrooge, but he will be glad to see you cutting back on your spending.
Buttons
So what have you bought this time?
Sciatica
We’ve bought a new spring wardrobe.
Dyspepsia
And a summer wardrobe.
Sciatica
And an autumn wardrobe.
Dyspepsia
And a winter wardrobe.
Sciatica
And now that we’ve bought all these wardrobes, we’ll need some new clothes to put in them.
Dyspepsia
So we’re off to Harvey Nicks tomorrow.
Cinderella
But if you carry on spending like this, father will soon be ruined!
Sciatica
It’s not our fault the old ruin hasn’t got two ha’pennies to rub together.
Dyspepsia
We warned mother against marrying him in the first place.
Sciatica
‘Have you thought this through’? We said.
Dyspepsia
‘Don’t fooled by his titles’ we said.
Sciatica
But she was a flighty, foolish, flibbertigibbet of a girl. Who’d fallen head over heels for his wallet…I mean, wicked wiles.
Dyspepsia
She’s just like us. Naive and innocent, and easily mizzled by the ways of nasty men.
But/Cind/Sci
Mizzled?
Dyspepsia
Yes, ‘mizzled’.
Sciatica
Hang on a minute. (exits and re-enters holding a script and points out the mistake to Sciatica) It’s mislead, you fool! Not ‘mizzled’! (chucks script off)
Dyspepsia
Whatever. And now the Baron’s had his wicked way with mumsy. He wants to make us pay for it, by stopping our only pleasures in life. Shopping and eating.
Sciatica
Which reminds me, I’m famished.
Dyspepsia
Me too.
Sciatica
(to Buttons) Buttons, go and make us both a pork sarnie.
Buttons
Since when have you been into cannibalism?
Dyspepsia
Cheek!
Sciatica
Maybe we should ask mumsy to stop his Christmas bonus.
Buttons
(excited) I’m getting a Christmas bonus?
Dyspepsia
Yes.
Buttons
Is it money?
Sciatica
No.
Buttons
A bottle of whisky?
Dyspepsia
No.
Buttons
A big Turkey?
Dyspepsia
No, but you’re getting warmer.
Buttons
What is it then?
Sciatica
A budgie and a bicycle pump!
The Uglies laugh hysterically.
The Baron and Baroness enter (SL) the Baron is holding a sheet of paper.
Baron
But we can’t afford it I tell you!
Baroness
I never realised I was marrying a penny-pincher!
Dyspepsia
What’s old Mr skinflint complaining about now, mumsy?
Baron
I’ll tell you what I’m complaining about. (tapping the paper angrily) Ballet lessons! Singing lessons! Acting classes! Beauty treatments! I can’t afford them!
Sciatica
Then don’t have them!
Baron
If your reckless spending continues. I’ll be bankrupt within a week!
Dyspepsia
Then maybe you ought to tell Cinderella to cut down a bit more.
Baron
On what?
Sciatica
Makeup for starters.
Dyspepsia
It’s only wasted on her anyway.
Cinderella
But I wear hardly any as it is.
Buttons
Whereas you two wear more slap, than a bunch of cross-dressing clowns.
Uglies
Cheek!
Baroness
Take no notice of him girls. He’s just below stairs.
Sciatica
(snaps) He’ll be below ground in a minute! And what kind of a name is ‘Buttons?’ anyway? Why can’t he have a proper Butler’s name, like ‘Jeeves’ or something?
Dyspepsia
It could’ve been worse I suppose. He might’ve been called, ‘Zipper’!
Uglies laugh hysterically.
Cinderella
It doesn’t matter what anybody’s called. It’s what’s in their heart that counts.
Sciatica
More like ‘what’s in their wallet’. The second question I always ask a man is, ‘do you have a platinum credit card’?
Buttons
And what’s the first question you ask?
Dyspepsia
‘How big is your portfolio’?
Baron
(to Baroness) I’m off home to try and sort out our finances. (exits USR)
Baroness
Come along girls, let’s get back to that crumbling ruin we’re forced to live in. You too Buttons. (to Cinders) Cinderella! The chimneys need sweeping again. Go and pick up a brush from B&Q, and get them swept as soon as you get home.
Cinderella
Yes, stepmother. (exits sadly SL)
Buttons
You can’t expect Cinders to clean dozens of chimneys, all by herself!
Baroness
You’re right, Buttons. You’d better give her a hand. Now let’s go home.
All exit (USR)
Fairygodmother and Fairies enter (DSR)
Fairy. G
(to Fairies) I think I’m going to have my work cut out with those three.
Moonbeam
Why don’t you cast a spell and turn them all into frogs?
Fairy. G
The fairy code forbids us to use our magic on humans. But we can influence things, indirectly.
Twinkle
How do you mean, Fairygodmother?
Fairy. G
For example. We can’t prevent someone from jumping off a cliff, but we can make sure that there’s a big soft mattress for them to land on.
Moonbeam
So, we need a big soft mattress to help Cinderella?
Fairy. G
(to audience) I despair of my students at times. (to Fairies) Come along girls. You still have a lot to learn.
All exit (SR)
The King and Prince Charming enter (USL) and move downstage centre.
Prince
Why have you brought me to the village this morning, father?
King
I wanted to talk to you about your wedding plans, Charming. And I’m hoping the fresh air might help clear your mind, and make you see sense.
Prince
I keep telling you father. I will marry just as soon as I’ve met the right girl.
King
But you’ve met dozens of Princesses already, each one of whom is now married. At this rate there won’t be any eligible ones left.
Prince
Why do I have to marry a Princess anyway?
King
Because only a Princess is the right person for a Prince.
Prince
But surely the right person, is the one I fall in love with.
King
What’s love got to do with it? When you’re born into royalty, duty comes first.
Prince
I’m sorry father, but I won’t be forced into marrying someone I don’t love.
King
In that case, you might never become King.
Prince
What do you mean?
King
Haven’t you ever read our constitution?
Prince
If you mean all 400 pages, then no. I got as far as page 175 and then fell asleep.
King
Well if you’d stayed awake until page 280, you would’ve seen that it states, ‘the heir to the throne must marry by the age of 21, or forfeit the crown. Which will then pass to the next in line’.
Prince
And who is the next in line?
King
Your Uncle Rupert.
Prince
But Uncle Rupert believes he’s the reincarnation of Gypsy Rose Lee! He wears women’s clothing and tells fortunes for a living.
King
Exactly! The monarchy wouldn’t last five minutes with him in charge. Which is why I’ve organised a royal ball, for tomorrow night.
Prince
For Uncle Rupert?
King
No! For you! And there will be lots of Princesses there for you to choose from.
Prince
But father!
King
No buts Charming. You must pick yourself a bride at tomorrow night’s ball, and that’s that. The future of the monarchy is at stake. Now I’m off home to get the ball rolling. (exits USR)
Prince
The future of the monarchy might be at stake, but so is my future happiness.
Dandini enters (DSR)
Dandini
Hello your highness,
Prince
(glumly) Oh, hello Dandini.
Dandini
You’re looking rather glum your highness. Is something wrong?
Prince
I’ve just discovered, that if I don’t marry by the time I’m 21. I won’t become King, and the crown will pass to Uncle Rupert. Or should I say, ‘Gypsy Rose Lee’.
Dandini
Then shouldn’t your highness hurry up and get hitched?
Prince
But it’s so hard to meet the right girl when you’re a Prince. I can never be sure if they’re interested in me or my title. I sometimes wish I was an ordinary person like you Dandini.
Dandini
I’m not sure I like being called ‘ordinary’, your highness. But if you really want to see what it’s like being me, then why don’t we swap roles for a day?
Prince
You mean, swap clothes and pretend to be each other?
Dandini
Yes. Well, apart from underwear that is.
Prince
What a wonderful idea, Dandini. We’ll swap jackets and I’ll also give you my crown.
They swap jackets and the Prince hands Dandini his crown.
Dandini
(puts on the crown and takes a regal stance) I could get used to this. (to Prince) How does it feel to be a commoner, your highness?
Prince
Strangely liberating. Now clear off, Dandini!
Dandini
(startled) Eh?
Prince
Well I can’t have a Prince hanging around and cramping my style, now can I?
Dandini
Fair enough. I’ll just take a stroll down…(local street)…and see how it feels to have people grovel at my feet.
Prince
People don’t grovel at my feet, Dandini.
Woman Villager enters (SR) sees Dandini wearing the crown and mistakes him for the Prince.
Villager
(grovelling to Dandini) Your highness! What a great honour it is to meet you face to face!
Dandini
Yes, I’m sure it is. Now run along and tell everybody, that Prince Charming is about to brighten up their dull little lives by taking a stroll down…(local street)
Villager
Yes, your highness! At once your highness! (excitedly to audience) I can’t believe I’ve actually met Prince Charming! (starts to exit SR but then spots the present) What’s this? (picks it up and audience respond)
Buttons runs on.
Buttons
Oi! Put that down!
Villager drops the present and runs off. Buttons replaces the present.
Prince
(to Buttons) I say, that’s yours is it?
Buttons
Yes, so you’d better keep your thieving hands off…(turns and recognises the Prince)…Prince Charming! Forgive me your highness, I didn’t realise it was you. I’ll just leave now if that’s okay. Sorry to have troubled your highness, it won’t happen again. (backs offstage bowing and scraping as he goes)
Dandini
What was that about people not grovelling at your feet, your highness?
Prince
He’s clearly an idiot, and that woman was obviously a royal groupie.
Dandini
Well I’m all for groupies. Cheerio then! (exits SR)
Prince
Now, how shall I spend my day as a commoner? I suppose I could have lunch at the Savoy, and then go to the ballet.
Cinderella enters (SL) carrying a chimney-sweep’s brush.
Prince
(to Cinders) Hello there!
Cinderella
Oh, hello!
Prince
I haven’t seen you around here before. Do you live locally?
Cinderella
Why, yes! I’ve lived here all my life.
Prince
I’m sure I would’ve remembered seeing someone as lovely as you before. What’s your name?
Cinderella
‘Cinderella’. What’s yours?
Prince
I’m Prince Char…(realising and correcting himself)…ming’s valet, Dandini.
Cinderella
You’d know the Prince very well then.
Prince
Oh, yes. I know him intimately.
Cinderella
People say that he’s very handsome in the flesh.
Prince
(feeling awkward) It wouldn’t be fair of me to comment.
Cinderella
Although I’ve heard that royals can be very standoffish at times.
Prince
Oh no, he definitely isn’t standoffish.
Cinderella
I suppose you’re bound to say that, aren’t you?
Prince
Look here, the palace is holding a ball tomorrow night. Would you like to come?
Cinderella
I’d love to, but I can’t afford a new outfit. All I have is a tatty old dress, that looks like nothing at all.
Prince
I’m sure you look wonderful in nothing at all…I mean, wearing anything at all.
Cinderella
(blushing) Well I can’t stand here chatting all day, or people might get the wrong idea about us.
Prince
Maybe they’ll get the right idea.
Cinderella
In what way?
Prince
I’ve never met a girl like you before, Cinderella.
Cinderella
And I’ve never met a boy like you before, Dandini. Music cue 7: Cinderella and Prince. After song ends…I’m afraid I must go. I have lots of chimneys to sweep.
Prince
You’re a chimney sweep?
Cinderella
No, but I have to clean them nevertheless.
Prince
Please say you’ll come to the ball.
Cinderella
I will try, I promise. Now I really must dash. Goodbye! (exits SR)
Prince
(calls after her) Goodbye! (sighs) I think I’ve just met the girl I want to marry. I must go and tell father at once. (exits SL)
Fairygodmother and Fairies enter (SR)
Moonbeam
Wow! That was fast work, Fairygodmother! Cinderella and Prince Charming have only just met, and already they’ve fallen in love.
Twinkle
(sighs dreamily) And now they’ll live happily ever after.
Fairy. G
If only it was that simple, Twinkle.
Stardust
You mean they won’t live happily ever after?
Fairy. G
Nothing is certain when you’re dealing with humans. Come along girls. We have much work to do, if we’re to ensure a happy ending for Cinders.
All exit.
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