Cinderella Version 2

Scene One

The Kingdom Of Ruritania

Music cue 4: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)

Enter Buttons at a run (SR) carrying a box wrapped in gift-paper.

BUTTONS: Hello boys and girls! I’m Buttons, and I’m a Butler at Hardup Hall. And now you all know my name, perhaps you can tell me yours. I’ll say, hello everybody, my name’s Buttons, what’s yours?’ And you all shout out your names. Ready? Hello everybody, my name’s Buttons, what’s yours? Who said, mine’s a pint? Anyway, now we’re all on first name terms, I’ll let you into a secret. I’ve just fallen in love with somebody. (to female in audience) No love it’s not you, get back in your seat. The person I’m in love with, is Baron Hardup’s daughter, Cinderella. It’s her birthday today, and I’ve bought her a present, and I’m looking for somewhere to leave it, to stop her nosy stepsisters getting their paws on it. (puts box DSR) I know, I’ll leave it here, and if anybody goes near it, just shout Buttons up and I’ll come running. Okay? Let’s have a practice then. I’ll go off and come on pretending to be somebody, about to touch it. (exits and re-enters and goes to touch the present – response) Fantastic! Keep watching it and I’ll see you later. Bye! (waves and exits SR)

Enter Chorus who drift on (SL)

Enter Cinderella (SR) in a cheery mood.

CINDERELLA: Good morning everyone!

CHORUS: Good morning Cinders!

CINDERELLA: Has anybody seen my father this morning?

CHORUS 1: We saw him leaving the bank just now, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: And did he look happy?

CHORUS 2: No, he was sobbing uncontrollably.

CINDERELLA: I wonder what’s wrong.

CHORUS 3: At a wild guess, it probably concerns money.

CHORUS: Bye Cinders!

Exit Chorus (SR)

Enter Baron Hardup (SL) looking through papers and sobbing.

CINDERELLA: Whatever’s the matter, father?

BARON: I’ve been checking my bank statements. And if your stepsisters carry on spending as they are, I’ll soon be bankrupt.

CINDERELLA: Don’t despair father. I’m sure I can make some more savings.

BARON: You’ve made enough sacrifices already, Cinders. It breaks my heart to see you dressed in rags.

CINDERELLA: I don’t mind mending and making do, father.

BARON: (spots present) What’s this? Another expensive item bought by your stepsisters no doubt. They probably had too much to carry and dropped it.

Baron goes to pick it up.

Enter Buttons at a run (SR)

BUTTONS: Leave that alone! Oh, it’s you Baron.

BARON: Is this yours Buttons?

BUTTONS: Yes, Baron.

BARON: What is it?

BUTTONS: It’s a present for someone, and they’re…(audience)…minding it for me.

CINDERELLA: Is it for someone special, Buttons?

BUTTONS: Yes, Cinders. Someone very special.

BARON: I think I’d better return to the bank.

CINDERELLA: Are you going to ask them to extend your overdraft, father?

BARON: No, Cinders. I’m going to do what any desperate person in my position would do.

BUTTONS: You’re going to rob the bank!?

BARON: No, Buttons! I’m going to grovel at the bank manager’s feet. (exits SL)

BUTTONS: Your father seems troubled, Cinders. Is anything the matter?

CINDERELLA: He’s worried about going bankrupt, Buttons.

BUTTONS: I didn’t realise things were that bad. Would it help if I took a pay cut?

CINDERELLA: That’s very kind of you Buttons, but I know you haven’t been paid in ages.

BUTTONS: It’s true, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: I just hope my stepsisters cut down on their spending.

Music cue 5: Enter Uglies (SL) with bags from Matalan and Primark.

SCIATICA: What a pathetic shopping experience that was, Dyspepsia.

DYSPEPSIA: Some days are just a total waste of makeup, Sciatica.

SCIATICA: There aren’t enough posh shops here, to cater for super-models like us.

CINDERELLA: Have you both been spending again?

DYSPEPSIA: Of course, we have!

SCIATICA: There’s nothing else to do in this dump.

CINDERELLA: Ruritania isn’t a dump. It’s a lovely place.

BUTTONS: (aside) Well it was, until they arrived.

CINDERELLA: Father can’t afford your constant spending.

DYSPEPSIA: He’s meaner than Scrooge if you ask me.

CINDERELLA: Father’s no Scrooge. But he’s running out of money, fast.

BUTTONS: What have you bought this time?

SCIATICA: We’ve bought a new spring wardrobe.

DYSPEPSIA: Summer wardrobe.

SCIATICA: Autumn wardrobe.

DYSPEPSIA: And winter wardrobe.

SCIATICA: And now that we have all these wardrobes, we need more clothes for them.

DYSPEPSIA: So, we’re off shopping again tomorrow.

CINDERELLA: If you carry on spending like this, father will soon be ruined.

SCIATICA: It’s not our fault he hasn’t got two ha’pennies to rub together.

DYSPEPSIA: We warned mother against marrying him in the first place.

SCIATICA: But she was a naive flibbertigibbet, who’d fallen for his wicked wiles.

DYSPEPSIA: An innocent young girl, easily mizzled by the ways of nasty men.

BUT/CIN/SCI: Mizzled?

DYSPEPSIA: Yes, mizzled!

SCIATICA: Hold on a minute. (exits and re-enters with a script, tapping it with her finger) It’s mislead, you idiot! (chucks script offstage)

DYSPEPSIA: Whatever. And now the Baron’s had his wicked way with mumsy, he’s trying to stop our only pleasures in life.

SCIATICA: Shopping and eating.

DYSPEPSIA: Speaking of food – I’m famished!

SCIATICA: Me too.

BUTTONS: You don’t look famished to me. In fact, the exact opposite.

UGLIES: Cheek!

DYSPEPSIA: Let’s tell mother to stop his Christmas bonus.

BUTTONS: I’m getting a Christmas bonus!?

UGLIES: Yeees.

BUTTONS: Is it money?

UGLIES: Noooo.

BUTTONS: A bottle of whisky?

UGLIES: Noooo.

BUTTONS: A big Turkey?

SCIATICA: No, but you’re getting warmer.

BUTTONS: Tell me what it is then!

DYSPEPSIA: A budgie and a bicycle pump!

Uglies laugh hysterically.

Enter Baron and Baroness (DSL) the Baron holds a bank statement.

BARON: But we can’t afford it I tell you!

BARONESS: I didn’t realise I was marrying a penny pincher!

SCIATICA: What’s old skinflint complaining about now, mumsy?

BARON: I’ll tell you! (tapping paper) Body waxing! Botoxing! Bleaching! Dermaplaning! Liposuction! I can’t afford them!

SCIATICA: Then don’t have them!

BARON: If your reckless spending continues, I’ll be bankrupt within a week!

BARONESS: Maybe you ought to tell Cinderella to cut down a bit more, then.

BARON: On what?

SCIATICA: Makeup for starters.

DYSPEPSIA: It’s only wasted on her anyway.

CINDERELLA: But I wear hardly any as it is.

BUTTONS: Whereas you two wear more slap than a crowd of cross-dressing clowns.

UGLIES: Cheek!

BARONESS: Take no notice of Buttons, girls. He’s just below stairs.

SCIATICA: He’ll be below ground in a minute!

DYSPEPSIA: What kind of a name is Buttons, anyway? Why can’t he have a proper Butler’s name, like Jeeves, or something?

SCIATICA: It could’ve been worse, sis’. He might’ve been called, Zipper!

Uglies laugh hysterically.

CINDERELLA: Names don’t matter. It’s what’s in a person’s heart that counts.

DYSPEPSIA: More like, what’s in their wallet.

SCIATICA: The second question I ask a man is, do you have a platinum credit card?

BUTTONS: What’s the first question you ask them?

DYSPEPSIA: How big is your portfolio?

BARON: I’m off home to try and sort out our finances. (exits SR)

BARONESS: Cinderella! Go and buy a brush from B&Q. I want all the chimneys swept by tea-time.

CINDERELLA: But there are dozens of chimneys in Hardup Hall!

BARONESS: Then the sooner you get started, the better.

BUTTONS: Don’t worry Cinders, I’ll give you a hand.

CINDERELLA: Thanks, Buttons. I’ll see you later. (exits sadly SL)

SCIATICA: (sarcastic) Thanks Buttons!

DYSPEPSIA: (sarcastic) I’ll see you later!

SCIATICA: They make me want to puke.

DYSPEPSIA: Sycophantic creeps.

BARONESS: Come on girls. Let’s return to that crumbling ruin we’re forced to call home.

Exit Baroness, Sciatica and Dyspepsia (USR)

Enter Fairy Godmother and Fairies (DSR)

FAIRY. G: I think I’ll have my work cut out with those three.

MOONBEAM: Why don’t you cast a spell and turn them all into frogs, Fairy Godmother?

FAIRY. G: The fairy code forbids the use of magic on humans. But we can influence things indirectly.

TWINKLE: How do you mean, Fairy Godmother?

FAIRY. G: For example. We can’t stop somebody from jumping off a cliff, but we can make sure there’s a big soft mattress for them to land on.

MOONBEAM: So, we need a big soft mattress to help Cinderella?

FAIRY. G: (to audience) I despair of my students at times, you know. Come along girls, you still have much to learn.

Exit all (SR)

Enter King and Prince Charming (SL)

PRINCE: Why have you brought me to the village today, father?

KING: I wanted to talk to you about your wedding plans, Charming. And I’m hoping the fresh air will help clear your mind, and make you see sense.

PRINCE: I keep telling you father. I will marry just as soon as I’ve met the right girl.

KING: But you’ve already met dozens of Princesses, each one of whom is now happily married. At this rate there won’t be any eligible ones left.

PRINCE: Why must I marry a Princess anyway?

KING: Because only a Princess is the right person for a Prince.

PRINCE: But surely, the right person is the one I fall in love with?

KING: Royal duty must take precedence over personal feelings, Charming.

PRINCE: I’m sorry father, but I will only marry for love.

KING: Then you might never become King.

PRINCE: What do you mean?

KING: The constitution states, that the heir to the throne must marry before their investiture or forfeit the crown. Which then passes to the next in line.

PRINCE: And who is next in line?

KING: Uncle Rupert.

PRINCE: But Uncle Rupert wears women’s clothes and reads fortunes for a living.

KING: That’s because he believes he’s the reincarnation of Gypsy Rose Lee. The monarchy wouldn’t last five minutes with him in charge.

PRINCE: I won’t be blackmailed into marrying somebody I don’t love, father.

KING: Which is why I’ve organised a royal ball, for tomorrow night.

PRINCE: For what purpose?

KING: So that you might chose a bride, from the few eligible Princesses left.

PRINCE: But father!

KING: No buts, Charming. It’s your duty to find yourself a bride at the royal ball, and that’s final. The future of the monarchy is at stake. (exits USR)

PRINCE: The future of the monarchy might be at stake, but so is my future happiness.

Enter Dandini (SR)

DANDINI: There you are your highness! I was wondering where you’d got to.

PRINCE: (glum) Hello, Dandini.

DANDINI: Is something the matter, your highness?

PRINCE: I’ve just discovered that if I don’t marry soon. I might never become King and the crown will pass to Uncle Rupert. Or should I say, Gypsy Rose Lee.

DANDINI: Then you’d better hurry up and get hitched, pronto!

PRINCE: It’s so difficult being a Prince, Dandini.

DANDINI: Yes, it must be hard living a life of absolute luxury.

PRINCE: I can never be sure if a girl is interested in me or my title.

DANDINI: You can’t really separate the two, your highness.

PRINCE: I sometimes wish I were an ordinary person like you, Dandini.

DANDINI: I’m not sure I like being called ordinary, your highness. But if you want to know what it’s like being me, why don’t we swap roles for a day?

PRINCE: You mean, swap clothes, and pretend to be each other?

DANDINI: Yes – apart from underwear, that is.

PRINCE: Let’s do it Dandini. We’ll swap jackets, and you can also have my crown.

They swap jackets and Dandini puts on the Prince’s crown.

DANDINI: I could get used to this. How does it feel to be a commoner, your highness?

PRINCE: Strangely liberating. Now, clear off!

DANDINI: I beg your pardon?

PRINCE: I can’t have a Prince hanging around and cramping my style, now can I?

DANDINI: Fair enough. I’ll just take a stroll down…(local street)…and see how it feels to have people grovel at my feet.

PRINCE: People don’t grovel at my feet, Dandini.

Enter Girl (SR) she mistakes Dandini for the Prince and defers to him.

GIRL: (to Dandini) Your highness! It’s such an honour to meet you face to face!

DANDINI: I’m sure it is. Now run along and tell everybody, that Prince Charming is about to brighten up their dull lives, by taking a stroll down…(local street)

GIRL: Yes, your highness! (turns and sees present) What’s this? (picks it up)

Enter Buttons at a run (SL)

BUTTONS: Oi! Put that down!

Girl drops the present and exits at a run (SR)

DANDINI: (to Buttons) That’s yours, is it?

BUTTONS: Yes, so keep your hands off! Prince Charming! Forgive me your highness, I didn’t realise it was you. Sorry to have troubled your highness. I’ll leave now if that’s all right. (backs off SL bowing)

DANDINI: What was that about people not grovelling at your feet, your highness?

PRINCE: He’s an idiot, and the girl’s obviously a royal groupie.

DANDINI: I’m all for groupies. And how will you spend your day as a commoner?

PRINCE: Lunch at the Savoy, followed by a trip to the ballet, I think.

DANDINI: Oh yes, that’s how all us commoners spend our day.

PRINCE: On second thoughts, perhaps a takeaway and a pint?

DANDINI: Enjoy your day, your highness. I know I will. (exits SR)

PRINCE: I wonder where the nearest KFC is. (looks SR)

Enter Cinderella (SL) carrying sections of a chimney-sweep’s brush extensions, in a bundle. She manages to drop several pieces.

CINDERELLA: Oh, bother!

PRINCE: (turns) Here, let me to help you. (picks up the sections)

CINDERELLA: Thank you.

PRINCE: I haven’t seen you around here before. What’s your name?

CINDERELLA: Cinderella – what’s yours?

PRINCE: I’m Prince Char…(correcting himself)…ming’s valet, Dandini.

CINDERELLA: You must know the Prince very well, then.

PRINCE: You could say I know him, intimately.

CINDERELLA: Is he really, as handsome as everybody says?

PRINCE: It’s not really my place to say.

CINDERELLA: But is he standoffish, like most royals?

PRINCE: No, he’s down-to-earth and very approachable.

CINDERELLA: I suppose you’re bound to say that, aren’t you?

PRINCE: The palace is holding a royal ball tomorrow night. Would you like to come?

CINDERELLA: But I don’t even have a ticket.

PRINCE: Tickets will be delivered to every home in the kingdom.

CINDERELLA: If I get one, then I’ll come.

PRINCE: That’s wonderful!

CINDERELLA: I can’t stand here chatting, or people might get the wrong idea about us.

PRINCE: Maybe they’ll get the right idea.

CINDERELLA: And what would that be?

PRINCE: I’ve never met a girl like you before, Cinderella.

CINDERELLA: And I’ve not met a boy like you before, Dandini. Music cue 6: Cinderella and Prince. After song ends…I must go now. I have chimneys to sweep.

PRINCE: You’re a chimney sweep?

CINDERELLA: No, but I must clean them, nonetheless.

PRINCE: And you promise you’ll come to the ball?

CINDERELLA: I wouldn’t miss it for the world. Goodbye, Dandini! (exits SR)

PRINCE: (waves) Goodbye Cinderella! (to audience) I think I’ve just met the girl I want to marry. I must tell father at once. (exits SL)

Enter Fairy Godmother and Fairies (SR)

MOONBEAM: That was fast work, Fairy Godmother! Cinderella and Prince Charming have only just met, and already they’ve fallen in love.

TWINKLE: And now they’ll live happily ever after.

FAIRY. G: If only it were that simple, Twinkle.

STARDUST: You mean, they won’t live happily ever after?

FAIRY. G: Nothing’s certain when you’re dealing with humans. Come along girls. We still have much work to do if we’re to ensure a happy ending for Cinders.

Exit all.