Cinderella Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

Hardup Hall

Chorus of Maids are onstage dusting and cleaning. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Buttons at a run (SR)

BUTTONS: (to Chorus) Hiya girls!

CHORUS: Hiya Buttons!

BUTTONS: Was that you lot singing, just now?

CHORUS 1: Yes, Buttons. We’re just trying to lighten the atmosphere.

BUTTONS: It could certainly do with it.

CHORUS 2: We won’t be here much longer anyway.

BUTTONS: Don’t tell me the Baroness is sacking you lot too?

CHORUS 3: Yes, and you might be next Buttons.

BUTTONS: Nah! She keeps saying she needs a handyman about the place.

CHORUS 4: Then it might be handy if you kept out of her way.

BUTTONS: I do that as much as possible anyway.

CHORUS 5: Come on girls, let’s carry on working our notice.

Exit Chorus (SR)

BUTTONS: Hiya boys and girls! I’m Buttons the butler, and this is Hardup hall. I used to love working here until Old Baron Hardup remarried. The new Baroness, Grimelda, moved in with her two ugly daughters Bella and Donna, and things have gone downhill ever since. But the person I feel sorry for is the Baron’s daughter, Cinderella. Grimelda and her daughters treat her like a servant and work her to a standstill. I try cheering her up as much as possible, but I could do with a bit of cheering up myself. I tell you what, whenever I come on and shout hiya kids! Will you all to shout back hiya Buttons! As loud as you can, and that’ll help cheer me up. Let’s try it then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! (response) I need cheering up more than that. Let’s have another go. (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! That’s better.

Enter Grimelda (SL)

GRIMELDA: There you are, Buttons. Who was making that infernal racket, earlier?

BUTTONS: It was just the maids singing as they worked, mistress.

GRIMELDA: Well tell them to stop it, immediately.

BUTTONS: But I thought you wanted them to clean the place?

GRIMELDA: Are you trying to be funny, Buttons?

BUTTONS: Well, this is a pantomime, mistress.

GRIMELDA: Then try acting the role of a servant for once.

BUTTONS: Yes, mistress.

GRIMELDA: Tell me, have you seen Bella and Donna this morning?

BUTTONS: Yes, but I’m sure I’ll get over the shock eventually.

GRIMELDA: They are shockingly attractive, aren’t they?

BUTTONS: They’ve gone to the beauty parlour, mistress.

GRIMELDA: A beauty parlour can’t improve their looks.

BUTTONS: No…(aside)…but a paper bag might help.

GRIMELDA: They’re perfect just as they are.

BUTTONS: (aside to audience) Perfectly ugly that is.

Enter Bella and Donna (SR) arguing.

BELLA: He fancies me, I tell you!

DONNA: Nobody could ever fancy you!

BELLA: The moment we met, he swept me off my feet.

DONNA: He was driving a road-sweeper at the time.

BELLA: And he’s calling round later to pick me up.

DONNA: It’s his job to pick up rubbish.

BELLA: Shut up, you jealous cow! (goes to scrag Donna)

GRIMELDA: Girls! Please conduct yourselves like the ladies you are!

UGLIES: Yes, mamma.

BELLA: (rubbing her bum) Ooooh!

GRIMELDA: What’s the matter Bella, dear?

BELLA: I’m covered in bruises, mama.

DONNA: It’s her own fault for throwing herself at men.

GRIMELDA: How can that give you bruises?

DONNA: They always move at the last minute.

BUTTONS: I don’t blame them.

GRIMELDA: Buttons! Go and fetch Cinderella! I have a list of chores for her to do.

BUTTONS: But she hasn’t finished that big list you gave her this morning.

GRIMELDA: The lazy child!

UGLIES: (hands on hips) She’s lazy! Lazy! Lazy!

BUTTONS: Cinders isn’t lazy! She works hard all day. Whereas you two, do nothing.

DONNA: That’s because we are ladies.

BELLA: And ladies do not scrub floors.

BUTTONS: Funny, you look like a pair of scrub…

GRIMELDA: Buttons! (points to wing SR) Fetch!

BUTTONS: (to audience) She treats me like a dog, you know.

GRIMELDA: Be quick about it, or you’ll find yourself in the doghouse.

BUTTONS: (to audience) See what I mean? Just going, mistress. (exits SR)

DONNA: Why don’t you get rid of that little creep, mumsy?

BELLA: He’s always sticking up for our lazy good-for-nothing stepsister.

GRIMELDA: I’d like to girls, but he’s in a very strong union.

DONNA: Union! What union?

GRIMELDA: The Domestic Underlings Mutual Partners Society.

BELLA: (silently mouths the letters, then exclaims) He’s in the Dumps?

DONNA: Just like your new boyfriend.

BELLA: (threatens) Watch it sister!

Enter Cinderella and Buttons (SR)

CINDERELLA: You wanted to see me stepmother?

DONNA: Just look at the state of her!

BELLA: How does she manage to get so dirty?

BUTTONS: You wouldn’t understand. It’s called, work?

GRIMELDA: Get about your duties, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Yes, mistress. See you later Cinders. (exits SR)

CINDERELLA: Bye Buttons!

UGLIES: (mocking) Bye Buttons!

GRIMELDA: Have you finished all your chores, Cinderella?

CINDERELLA: Yes, stepmother.

GRIMELDA: Have you scrubbed all the floors?

CINDERELLA: Yes, stepmother.

GRIMELDA: And washed all the dirty clothes?

CINDERELLA: Yes, stepmother.

BELLA: About time. I have simply nothing left to wear in my wardrobe.

DONNA: Then wear the wardrobe. It’s better than the rubbish that’s in it.

BELLA: I’ve got better taste than you!

DONNA: If that’s taste, then I’m an ostrich.

BELLA: Go bury your head in the sand, then!

DONNA: I would if I had a face like yours!

CINDERELLA: (to Uglies) Why do you both argue so much?

BELLA: What business is it of yours?

CINDERELLA: I just think sisters should get on, that’s all.

DONNA: We do get on.

CINDERELLA: Do you?

DONNA: Yes – she gets on my nerves.

BELLA: And I get on hers.

CINDERELLA: That’s not exactly what I meant.

BELLA: I don’t think Cinderella has enough chores to do, mother.

GRIMELDA: Don’t you, Bella?

BELLA: No! She seems to have plenty of time to stand arguing with her betters.

CINDERELLA: You’re not my betters!

DONNA: Oh yes, we are! We have better clothes!

BELLA: Better hair!

DONNA: Better make-up!

BELLA: Better shoes!

DONNA: Better figures! I could go on, but I don’t want to give you a complex.

CINDERELLA: That’s big of you.

DONNA: How dare you call me fat!

CINDERELLA: I didn’t!

BELLA: I heard her say how fat you are, Donna.

DONNA: Thank you, Bella – I think.

GRIMELDA: Perhaps Cinderella does have too much time on her hands.

BELLA: And the devil finds work for idle hands.

DONNA: Or in her case – mama! (laughs)

CINDERELLA: But I already do just about everything around here, apart from the cooking.

BELLA: And a good job too – we don’t want poisoning!

DONNA: We’re very fastidious eaters.

BELLA: I’m fast and Donna’s hideous.

DONNA: I’m used to the only finest haute couture.

BELLA: You mean haute cuisine?

DONNA: Whatever – I’m still not wearing it.

CINDERELLA: I’m a very good cook actually.

GRIMELDA: In that case, I’ll sack the cooks and you can do their job from now on.

CINDERELLA: Why can’t Bella and Donna help me with the housework?

DONNA: Because we must look gorgeous all the time, in case Prince Charming drops in.

CINDERELLA: Why would Prince Charming call here?

GRIMELDA: Their majesties insist he gets married, and he’s searching for Miss Right.

DONNA: She’s got no chance once he sets eyes on me.

BELLA: Who?

DONNA: This, Miss Wright, person.

BELLA: It’s only a figure of speech!

DONNA: (sexy pose) Once the Prince sees my figure, he’ll be speechless.

BELLA: And when he sees what I have to offer…(adjusts bosom)…he’ll fall madly in love with me.DONNA:He’d have to be mad to fall in love with you.

CINDERELLA: How can you tell if a man really loves you?

BELLA: That’s easy. Music cue 3: Uglies. After song ends…

GRIMELDA: Why don’t you show these commoners…(indicates audience)…how to greet the Prince when he arrives, girls.

UGLIES: Yes, mama!

BELLA: (to audience) Okay peasants, listen up while we teach you royal etiquette.

DONNA: Whenever the Prince enters, you must all stand. (urging) Stand up then!

BELLA: Then, all the women must curtsy, like this…(demonstrates)…and say, charmed to meet yoooou!

DONNA: And all the men must bow like this…(demonstrates)…and say. Charmed to meet you toooo!

BELLA: Now, are you all ready?

Uglies lead audience in the greeting routine.

DONNA: That was rubbish! Do it again!

Uglies lead audience in routine again.

BELLA: Pitiful!

DONNA: They just haven’t got our breeding, Bella.

BELLA: You’re so right, Donna. (to audience) Sit down again.

CINDERELLA: I’d love to meet the Prince.

GRIMELDA: If he ever does call, you will keep out of the way.

CINDERELLA: Why should I?

DONNA: We don’t want you giving him the wrong idea about us.

BELLA: He might think we’re penniless scroungers.

CINDERELLA: Father will soon be penniless, thanks to your selfish spending.

GRIMELDA: Insolent girl! (grabs Cinder’s arm)

Enter Baron (SL)

CINDERELLA: (breaks free and runs to him) Father!

BELLA: Who let the tramp in?

DONNA: Probably your binman, boyfriend.

BELLA: That’s it! Now you’re really going to get it! (chases Donna off SL)

BARON: I see those two are fighting again.

GRIMELDA: Nonsense Fredrick, they’re just highly strung.

BARON: They ought to be. (to Cinders) You look tired Cinders.

CINDERELLA: Well, I have been up since six o’clock, father.

BARON: That’s rather early isn’t it?

CINDERELLA: I had to warm Bella and Donna’s slippers before they’d out of bed.

GRIMELDA: You can’t expect them to put on ice-cold slippers. It would be too much of a shock for their delicate feet.

BARON: I’m shocked they were up that early.

CINDERELLA: They had an appointment at the beauty parlour.

BARON: Needed a lot of work doing, did they?

GRIMELDA: Just a little touching up.

BARON: More like a complete renovation. Well, I hope they get an estimate first.

GRIMELDA: Surely you don’t begrudge your stepdaughters a few measly pence.

BARON: A few pence! Their last bill was £500, each! If this carries on, I’ll be ruined!

CINDERELLA: Please don’t upset yourself father.

GRIMELDA: I’ll fetch some of my special herbal tea. That always calms him. (exits SL)

CINDERELLA: We don’t seem to spend much time together these days, father.

BARON: Your stepmother does tend to monopolise most of my time.

CINDERELLA: She’s also sacking the servants and making me do all their work instead.

BARON: Money’s scarce Cinders, and we must all tighten our belts.

CINDERELLA: Bella and Donna never seem to tighten theirs.

BARON: Perhaps they can’t find one big enough to take on the job. (chuckles)

CINDERELLA: Oh father, its ages since I’ve heard you laugh.

BARON: There hasn’t been much to laugh about lately.

CINDERELLA: At least we have each other, and that’s the most important thing

BARON: You’re right, Cinders.

Enter Buttons (SR)

BUTTONS: Hiya kids! Hello Baron. (aside to Cinders) Does the Baroness know he’s out on his own?

CINDERELLA: Yes, she’s just gone to fetch him some of her special herbal tea.

Enter Grimelda (SL) carrying a cup on a saucer.

GRIMELDA: Here is your special tea, Frederick.

BARON: Do I have to?

GRIMELDA: It’s good for your nerves. (hands him the cup) Now drink up. (response)

CINDERELLA: What did they say?

GRIMELDA: I didn’t hear anything. Drink up Fredrick.

BARON: Why can’t we have PG tips, like we used to?

GRIMELDA: This tea has been passed down through my family, for generations.

BUTTONS: It must be cold by now, surely?

GRIMELDA: Zip it, Buttons! (firmly) Now drink up, Fredrick!

BARON: (drinks) Ugggh!

GRIMELDA: Now, off you go and have a nice sleep.

BARON: (zombie-like) Yes, dear. (starts to exit)

CINDERELLA: But he’s only just got up!

GRIMELDA: Your father tires easily. He’s not getting any younger you know.

BUTTONS: (aside to audience) He’s certainly aged since he married her.

Exit Baron (SL)

GRIMELDA: Buttons. I want you to place an advert for a handyman in…(local paper)

BUTTONS: What about me mistress? I’m handy.

GRIMELDA: Really? Then let’s see you answer a few D.I.Y questions.

BUTTONS: (confident) Fire away.

GRIMELDA: How’s your plumbing?

BUTTONS: Much better now that I’m over my cold.

GRIMELDA: I meant taps and pipes, you fool!

BUTTONS: Sorry.

GRIMELDA: Let’s try again. Where would you put the TV aerial, to get the best picture?

BUTTONS: In the reception hall?

GRIMELDA: And what would you do if all the lights went out?

BUTTONS: Follow them to see where they went?

GRIMELDA: I’ve made my mind up, Buttons.

BUTTONS: I’ve got the job?

GRIMELDA: No, you’re hopeless!

BUTTONS: When do you want the ad putting in?

GRIMELDA: Right away. (exits SL)

BUTTONS: She must be getting ready to sack me, Cinders.

CINDERELLA: I hope not Buttons, you’re the only friend I’ve got. And poor father doesn’t seem to have a mind of his own anymore.

BUTTONS: Grimelda does seem to have him well trained, doesn’t she?

CINDERELLA: I’d like to know what’s in that special tea, she keeps feeding him.

BUTTONS: Me too. What’s so special about it anyway?

CINDERELLA: I don’t know, but he always seems to change whenever he drinks it.

BUTTONS: Maybe she’s putting something in it, and I don’t mean milk and sugar.

UGLIES: (shouts off) Cindereeella!

CINDERELLA: Oh, no! I forgot to run their baths! Excuse me Buttons! (exits at a run SR)

Enter Uglies (SL)

DONNA: Where is that lazy trollop, Cinderella?

BUTTONS: She’s just gone to run your baths.

BELLA: It’s too late now. We’re about to watch our favourite programme, DIY SOS.

BUTTONS: (if no longer on TV) I thought that programme had finished ages ago!

DONNA: They’re repeating it on UK Gold.

BELLA: Fetch the telly in, Buttons.

BUTTONS: Righto. (exits SR and returns pushing on a TV and places it CS)

Uglies arrange themselves in front of the TV.

DONNA: Go and fetch us some snacks, Buttons!

BUTTONS: What would you like?

DONNA: I’ll have four bags of crisps, thee pork pies, two packets of Oreo and a six pack of Guinness.

BELLA: And I’ll have six sausage rolls, a jumbo bag of peanuts, two packs of chocy digestives, and a six pack of Stella.

BUTTONS: Are you sure I can’t get you anything else? Aperitif perhaps?

DONNA: No thanks, we’ve got our own.

UGLIES: See? (big grins)

BUTTONS: The last time I saw teeth like those, there was a jockey sat behind them.

DONNA: Besides, we must watch our figures.

BUTTONS: Yes. (aside) Watch them expanding.

BELLA: Hurry up Buttons, it’s starting!

Exit Buttons (SR) leaving the Uglies watching TV.

DONNA: Nick Knowles doesn’t look his usual handsome self, in this episode.

BELLA: What are those bolts sticking out of his neck?

DONNA: I’ve heard of body piercing, but that’s ridiculous!

BELLA: He’s just about to knock on the front door.

SFX: Crashing/breaking sound.

DONNA: Shouldn’t he have waited until they opened it?

BELLA: He’s obviously keen to get started.

DONNA: The owner seems a bit shocked, doesn’t he?

SFX: Squelching sound.

BELLA: Aaaah! Nick’s just ripped the owner’s arm off!

DONNA: I’m sure it was just an accident.

BELLA: They do say that ninety percent of all accidents happen in the home.

DONNA: Maybe people should get out a bit more then.

BELLA: (screams) Aaaah! Nick’s gone and ripped the owner’s head off now! DONNA:Ugghh! What a mess!

BELLA: Don’t worry, he’ll probably stick it back on with Gorilla glue.

DONNA: Are you sure this is DIY SOS?

BELLA: Of course, I’m sure! I’d recognise Nick anywhere.

DONNA: Let me see. (picks up TV guide) This is not DIY SOS! It’s Frankenstein!

BELLA: What’s Nick Knowles doing in a horror movie?

DONNA: That isn’t Nick Knowles! It’s Frankenstein!

BELLA: Are you sure?

DONNA: Well, his skin’s green for a start!

BELLA: I thought he looked a bit peaky.

DONNA: I’m turning it over. (points the remote at the TV) Music cue 4:

UGLIES: Aaaah! (Donna drops the remote and they hug each other in terror)

Enter Buttons at a run (SR)

BUTTONS: What’s the matter, now?

BELLA: Quick! Turn it off, Buttons!

DONNA: It’s horrible!

BUTTONS: But I thought you liked DIY SOS.

BELLA: Donna turned it over to Strictly.

BUTTONS: I thought you liked strictly!

DONNA: Not when Anne Widdicombe is one of the contestants!

BUTTONS: (looks at TV) Ugggh! I see what you mean.

BELLA: How did they manage to squeeze her into that tiny little outfit?

DONNA: Most of her they haven’t.

BUTTONS: You two can talk.

UGLIES: Shut it, Buttons!

DONNA: I’ll take it away. (exits with TV SL)

BELLA: I’m all cold and clammy now.

DONNA: Me too. Let’s have our baths and then go for some retail therapy.

BELLA: Good idea, sis’.

Exit Uglies (SR)