Cinderella Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

Hardup Hall

Maids are onstage dusting and cleaning. Music cue 2: Maids. After song ends…

Enter Buttons at a run (SR)

Buttons (to Maids) Hello girls!

Maids Hiya Buttons!

Buttons Were you lot singing, just now?

Maid 1 Yes, Buttons. We’re just trying to bring a little light relief to the place.

Buttons Well, it could certainly do with it.

Maid 2 We won’t be here for much longer anyway.

Buttons Don’t tell me the Baroness is sacking you lot as well?

Maid 3 Yes, and you might be next Buttons.

Buttons (dismissive) Nah! She’s always saying that she needs a handyman about the place.

Maid 4 Then it might be handy if you keep out of her way, Buttons.

Buttons I try and do that as much as possible as it is.

Maid 5 Come on girls, let’s carry on working our notice.

Exit Maids (SR)

Buttons (to audience) It sounds like I might have a battle to save my job, at Hardup Hall, boys and girls. I used to love working here, you know. But then Old Baron Hardup remarried, and the new Baroness Grimelda, moved in with her two ugly daughters Bella and Donna. And since then, things have gone from bad to worse. But the person I feel most sorry for, is the Baron’s daughter, Cinderella. The Baroness treats her like a servant and works her to a standstill. I try cheering her up as much as possible, but to be honest, I could do with a bit of cheering up myself. I tell you what, whenever I come on and shout hiya kids! Will you all to shout back hiya Buttons! As loud as you can, and that’ll help cheer me up. Let’s try it shall we? (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! (response) I need cheering up more than that. Let’s try it again, shall we? (exits and re-enters) Hiya kids! Great! I feel much happier now.

Enter Grimelda (SL)

Grimelda There you are, Buttons. Who was making that infernal racket, earlier?

Buttons It was probably just the maids singing as they worked, mistress.

Grimelda Well tell them to stop it, immediately.

Buttons But I thought you wanted them to clean the place?

Grimelda Are you trying to be funny, Buttons?

Buttons Well this is a pantomime, mistress.

Grimelda Then try acting the role as a servant for once.

Buttons Yes, mistress.

Grimelda Now, have you seen Bella and Donna this morning?

Buttons Yes, but I’m sure I’ll get over the shock eventually.

Grimelda They are shockingly attractive, aren’t they?

Buttons They’ve gone to the beauty parlour, mistress.

Grimelda A beauty parlour can’t improve their looks.

Buttons No…(aside)…but a paper bag might help.

Grimelda They’re perfect just as they are.

Buttons (aside to audience) Perfectly ugly that is.

Grimelda (snaps) What did you say?

Buttons I said, they’re perfectly snuggly.

Enter Bella and Donna (SR) arguing.

Bella He fancies me, I tell you!

Donna Nobody could ever fancy you!

Bella The moment we met, he swept me off my feet.

Donna That’s because he was driving a road-sweeper at the time.

Bella He’s calling round later to pick me up.

Donna It’s his job to pick up rubbish.

Bella Shut up, you jealous cow! (goes to scrag Donna)

Grimelda Girls! Please conduct yourselves like the ladies you are!

Uglies Yes, mamma.

Bella (rubbing her bum) Ooooh!

Grimelda What’s the matter Bella, dear?

Bella I’m covered in bruises, mama.

Donna It’s her own fault for throwing herself at men.

Grimelda How can that give you bruises?

Donna They always move at the last minute.

Buttons I don’t blame them.

Grimelda Buttons! Go and fetch Cinderella! I have a list of chores for her to do.

Buttons But she hasn’t finished that big list you gave her this morning.

Grimelda The lazy child!

Uglies (hands on hips) She’s lazy! Lazy! Lazy!

Buttons Cinders isn’t lazy! She works morning noon and night. Whereas you two, do nothing.

Donna That’s because we’re ladies.

Bella And ladies do not scrub floors.

Buttons Funny, you look like a pair of scrub…

Grimelda…Buttons! (points to wing SR) Fetch!

Buttons (to audience) She treats me like a dog, you know.

Grimelda Be quick about it, or you’ll find yourself in the doghouse.

Buttons (to audience) See what I mean? Just going, mistress. (exits SR)

Donna Why don’t you get rid of the little creep, mumsy?

Bella He’s always sticking up for our lazy good-for-nothing stepsister.

Grimelda I’d like to girls, but he’s in a very strong union.

Donna Union! What union?

Grimelda The Domestic Underlings Mutual Partners Society.

Bella (silently mouths the letters, then exclaims) He’s in the Dumps?

Donna Just like your new boyfriend.

Bella (threatens) Watch it, sister!

Enter Cinderella and Buttons (SR)

Cinderella You wanted to see me stepmother?

Donna Just look at the state of her!

Bella How does she manage to get so dirty?

Buttons You wouldn’t understand. It’s called, work?

Grimelda Get about your duties, Buttons.

Buttons Yes, mistress. See you later Cinders. (exits SR)

Cinderella (waving) Bye Buttons!

Uglies (mocking) Bye Buttons!

Grimelda Why haven’t you finished your chores, Cinderella?

Cinderella I’m sorry stepmother, but there’s just too much to do.

Uglies Excuses! Excuses!

Grimelda Have you scrubbed all the floors?

Cinderella Yes, stepmother.

Grimelda And washed all the dirty clothes?

Cinderella Yes, stepmother.

Bella About time too. I have simply nothing left to wear in my wardrobe.

Donna Then wear the wardrobe. It’s better than the rubbish that’s inside it.

Bella I’ve got better taste than you.

Donna If that’s taste, then I’m an ostrich.

Bella Go bury your head in the sand, then!

Donna I would if I had a face like yours!

Cinderella (to Uglies) Why do you both argue so much?

Bella What business is it of yours?

Cinderella I just think that sisters should get on, that’s all.

Donna We do get on.

Cinderella Do you?

Donna Yes. She gets on my nerves.

Bella And I get on hers.

Cinderella That’s not exactly what I meant.

Bella I don’t think Cinderella has enough chores to do, mother.

Grimelda Don’t you, Bella?

Bella No. She seems to have plenty of time to stand, arguing with her betters.

Cinderella You’re not my betters!

Donna Oh yes, we are! We have better clothes!

Bella Better hair!

Donna Better make-up!

Bella Better shoes!

Donna Better figures! I could go on, but I’ll save if for later.

Cinderella That’s big of you.

Donna How dare you call me fat!

Cinderella I didn’t!

Bella I heard her say how fat you were, Donna.

Donna Thank you, Bella…I think.

Grimelda I think you’re right, girls. Cinderella does have too much time on her hands.

Bella And the devil finds work for idle hands.

Donna Or in her case…mama! (laughs)

Cinderella But I already do just about everything around here, apart from the cooking.

Bella And a good job too. We don’t want poisoning.

Donna We’re very fastidious eaters.

Bella I’m fast and Donna’s hideous.

Donna I’m used to the only finest haute couture.

Bella You mean haute cuisine?

Donna Whatever! I’m still not wearing it.

Cinderella Actually, I’m a very good cook.

Grimelda In that case. I’ll sack the cooks and you can do the job from now on.

Cinderella Why can’t Bella and Donna help me with the housework?

Donna Because we must look gorgeous all the time, in case Prince Charming drops in.

Cinderella Why would Prince Charming call here?

Grimelda Their majesties think it’s time he got married, and he’s on the lookout for Miss Right.

Donna She’s got no chance once he sets eyes on me.

Bella Who?

Donna This, Miss Wright, person.

Bella It’s only a figure of speech!

Donna (sexy pose) Once the Prince sees my figure, he’ll be speechless.

Bella Dream on sister. When he sees what I have to offer…(adjusts boobs)…he’ll fall madly in love with me.

Donna He’d have to be mad to fall in love with you.

Cinderella How can you tell if a man really loves you?

Bella That’s easy. Music cue 3: Uglies. After song ends…

Grimelda (to Uglies) Girls. Why don’t you show these commoners…(audience)…how to greet the Prince when he arrives.

Uglies Yes, mama!

Bella (to audience) Okay peasants! Listen up while we teach you about royal etiquette.

Donna Whenever the Prince enters, you must all stand. (urging) Stand up then!

Bella Now, all the women must curtsy, like this…(demonstrates)…and say, charmed to meet yoooou!

Donna And all the men must bow like this…(demonstrates)…and say. Charmed to meet you toooo!

Bella Now, are you ready?

Uglies lead audience in the greeting routine.

Donna That was rubbish! Do it again!

Uglies lead audience in routine again.

Bella Pitiful!

Donna They just haven’t got our breeding, Bella.

Bella You’re so right, Bella. (to audience) Sit down again.

Cinderella I’d love to meet the Prince if he ever did turn up here.

Grimelda You will keep out of the way. I don’t want him getting the wrong idea about us.

Donna He might think we’re penniless scroungers.

Cinderella (bravely) You are! And father will soon be penniless, thanks to your selfish spending.

Grimelda Insolent girl! (grabs Cinder’s arm)

Enter Baron (SL) Cinderella breaks free and runs to him.

Cinderella Father!

Bella Who let the binman in?

Donna Probably his bin mate, to wit, your boyfriend.

Bella That’s it! Now you’re really going to get it! (chases Donna off SL)

Baron I see those two are fighting again.

Grimelda Nonsense Fredrick, they’re highly strung that’s all.

Baron They ought to be. (to Cinders) You look tired Ella.

Cinderella Well I have been up since six o’clock, father.

Baron That’s rather early isn’t it?

Cinderella I had to warm Bella and Donna’s slippers, before they got out of bed.

Grimelda You can’t expect them to put on ice-cold slippers. It would be too much of a shock for their delicate feet.

Baron I’m shocked they were up that early.

Cinderella They had an early appointment at the beauty parlour.

Baron Needed a lot of work doing, did they?

Grimelda Just a little touching up.

Baron More like a complete renovation if you ask me. I hope they get an estimate first.

Grimelda Surely you don’t begrudge your stepdaughters a few measly pence.

Baron A few pence! Their last bill was over £500, each! If this carries on, I’ll be ruined!

Cinderella Please don’t upset yourself father.

Grimelda I’ll fetch him some of my special herbal tea. That always calms him down. (exits SL)

Cinderella We don’t seem to spend much time together these days, father.

Baron Your stepmother does tend to monopolise most of my time.

Cinderella And she’s sacking the servants and making me do all the work instead.

Baron Money is scarce Cinders, and we must all tighten our belts.

Cinderella Bella and Donna never seem to tighten theirs.

Baron Perhaps they can’t find a belt big enough to take on the job. (chuckles)

Cinderella Oh father, its ages since I’ve heard you laugh.

Baron There hasn’t been much to laugh about lately.

Cinderella No matter how bad things get, we will always have each other. Music cue 4: Cinderella and Baron. After song ends…

Enter Buttons (SR)

Buttons Hiya kids! Hello Baron. (aside to Cinders) Does Grimelda know he’s out on his own?

Cinderella Yes, she’s just gone to fetch him some of her special herbal tea.

Enter Grimelda (SL) carrying a cup on a saucer.

Grimelda Here is your special tea, Frederick.

Baron Do I have to?

Grimelda Yes. It’s good for your nerves. (hands him the cup) Now drink up. (response)

Cinderella What did they say?

Grimelda I didn’t hear anything. Drink up Fredrick.

Baron Why can’t we have PG tips, like we used to?

Grimelda This tea has been passed down through my family, for generations.

Buttons It must be cold by now, surely?

Grimelda Button it, Buttons! (firmly) Now drink up, Fredrick!

Baron (drinks) Ugggh!

Grimelda Now, off you go and have a nice sleep.

Baron (zombie-like) Yes, dear. (starts to exit)

Cinderella But he’s only just got up!

Grimelda Your father tires easily. He’s not getting any younger you know.

Buttons (aside to audience) He’s certainly aged since he married her.

Exit Baron (SL)

Grimelda Buttons. I want you to place an advert for a handyman in…(local paper)

Buttons What about me mistress? I’m handy.

Grimelda Really? Then let’s hear you answer a few simple D.I.Y questions.

Buttons (confident) Fire away.

Grimelda Now, how’s your plumbing?

Buttons Much better now that I’m over my cold.

Grimelda I meant taps and pipes you fool!

Buttons Sorry.

Grimelda Let’s try again. Where would you put the TV aerial, to get the best picture?

Buttons In the reception hall?

Grimelda And what would you do if all the lights went out?

Buttons Follow them to see where they went?

Grimelda I think that’s just made my mind up.

Buttons Have I got the job?

Grimelda No! You’re hopeless!

Buttons When do you want the ad putting in?

Grimelda Right away. (exits SL)

Buttons She must be getting ready to sack me, Cinders.

Cinderella I hope not Buttons, you’re the only true friend I’ve got. And poor father doesn’t seem to have a mind of his own anymore.

Buttons Grimelda does seem to have him well trained, doesn’t she?

Cinderella I’d like to know what’s in that special tea, she keeps feeding him.

Buttons Me too. What’s so special about it anyway?

Cinderella I don’t know, but he always seems to change whenever he drinks it.

Buttons Maybe she’s putting something in it. And I don’t mean milk and sugar.

Uglies (shouts off) Cindereeella!

Cinderella Oh, no! I forgot to run their baths! Excuse me Buttons! (runs off SR)

Enter Uglies (SL)

Donna Where is that lazy trollop, Cinderella?

Buttons She’s just gone to run your baths.

Bella It’s too late now. We’re about to watch our favourite programme, DIY SOS.

Buttons (if no longer on TV) I thought that programme had finished ages ago!

Donna They’re repeating it on UK Gold.

Bella Fetch the telly in, Buttons.

Buttons Righto. (exits SR and returns pushing on a TV set and places it centre stage)

Uglies arrange themselves in front of the TV so that both can easily be seen.

Donna Now go and fetch us some snacks, Buttons.

Buttons What would you like?

Donna I’ll have four bags of crisps, 3 pork pies, 2 packets of Oreo’s and a pack of Guinness.

Bella And I’ll have six sausage rolls, a jumbo bag of peanuts, 2 packs of chocolate digestive, and a six pack of Stella.

Buttons Are you sure I can’t get you anything else? Aperitif maybe?

Donna No thanks, we’ve got our own.

Uglies (big grins) See?

Buttons (to audience) The last time I saw teeth like that, there was a jockey sat behind them.

Donna Besides, we must watch our figures.

Buttons Yes. (aside) Watch them expanding.

Bella Hurry up Buttons, it’s starting!

Exit Buttons (SR) leaving the Uglies watching TV.

Donna Nick Knowles doesn’t look his usual handsome self, in this episode.

Bella What are those bolts sticking out of his neck?

Donna I’ve heard of body piercing, but that’s overdoing it.

Bella Look, he’s about to knock on the house owner’s front door.

SFX: Crunching sound.

Donna Shouldn’t he have waited until they opened it first?

Bella He’s obviously keen to get started.

Donna The owner seems a bit shocked.

SFX: Squelching sound.

Bella Aaaah! Nick’s just ripped the house owner’s arm off!

Donna I’m sure it was just an accident.

Bella They do say that ninety percent of all accidents happen in the home.

Donna Maybe people should get out a bit more then.

Bella (screams) Aaaah! Now Nick’s ripped the owner’s head off!

Donna Ugghh! What a mess!

Bella Don’t worry. Nick will open a tin of paint and have everything looking lovely, by adding a splash of colour.

Donna The only colour I see is red, and it’s splashed all over the floor! Are you sure this is DIY SOS?

Bella Of course, I am! I’d recognise Nick Knowles anywhere.

Donna Let me see. (picks up TV guide) This is not DIY SOS! It’s Frankenstein!

Bella What’s Nick Knowles doing in a horror movie?

Donna That isn’t Nick Knowles! It’s Frankenstein!

Bella Are you sure?

Donna Well his skin’s green for a start!

Bella I thought he looked a bit peaky.

Donna I’m turning it over. (points the remote at the TV) Music cue 5:

Uglies (scream) Aaaah! (Donna drops remote and they hug each other in horror)

Enter Buttons at a run (SR)

Buttons What’s the matter, now?

Bella Turn it off, Buttons!

Donna It’s horrible!

Buttons But I thought you liked DIY SOS.

Bella Donna turned it over.

Buttons (looks at TV) It’s only Dancing On Ice.

DonnaYes, and Ann Widdicombe is one of the celebrity contestants.

Buttons (looks again) Uggh! I see what you mean.

Bella How did they manage to squeeze her into that tiny little outfit?

Donna Well most of her they haven’t.

Buttons You two can talk.

Uglies Shut it, Buttons!

Donna I’ll take it away. (exits with TV SL)

Bella I’m all cold and clammy now.

Donna Me too. Let’s have our baths and then go for some retail therapy.

Bella Good idea, sis’.