Camelot The Panto

SCENE ONE

CAMELOT TOWN

Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Jasper [SR] carrying a big book.

JASPER: Hello everybody! Welcome to Camelot! I’m Jasper the Jester! And whenever I come on and shout, how are you all! I want you all to shout back, Jumping Jasper. Okay? Can you hear me at the back? You could hear me a lot better at the front if you’d booked early. [to man on front row] Wotcha mate. What’s your name? Dave? [use man’s name] Everybody look at Dave. Now it’s your turn Dave, all on your own. I’ll count to three and then you shout hiya gang! And everybody else will shout hiya Dave, okay? I bet you’re glad you sat on the front now, aren’t you? Here we go then. One…two…three! Stick to the day job Dave.

CHORUS 1: Is it true that Sir Lancelot is returning to Camelot today, Jasper?

JASPER: Yes, it is.

CHORUS 2: Sir Lancelot is soooo brave.

CHORUS 3: Soooo handsome.

CHORUS 4: And soooo hunky.

JASPER: He’s all right if you like the flash, handsome, muscle-bound, heroic type.

CHORUS: We do! We do!

JASPER: They do say that most girls preferred funny men.

CHORUS 5: That lets you out then.

JASPER: What are you talking about? Everybody thinks I’m hilarious!

CHORUS 1: Don’t make me laugh.

JASPER: But it’s my job to make people laugh.

CHORUS 2: Well, you’re rubbish at it.

JASPER: Says who?

CHORUS 3: I think the audience reaction says it all.

CHORUS 4: You should’ve played one of the trees, Jasper.

JASPER: Why’s that then?

CHORUS 5: ‘Cos you’re a big sap and your acting’s wooden.

Exit Chorus [SR] laughing.

JASPER: I’m fed up with people laughing at me. If only they’d laugh at my jokes instead.

Music cue 3: Enter Nursie [SL] she wears a nurse’s watch and carries a bag containing a medicine bottle, a spoon and tongue-depressor.

NURSIE: At last, a bit of eye candy has arrived! I’m Nurse Bedpan, Camelot’s Chief Medical officer, and it’s my job to make sure everybody’s in rude health. The ruder the better. Whenever I enter, I’ll ask, are you all well? If you are, say, yes Nursie. If not, keep quiet. Nobody likes a moaner. You’ve heard of the lady with the lamp? Well, I’m the lady with the headlamps. [hoists bosom]

JASPER: I think they’ve noticed that already Nursie.

NURSIE: I’m also a widow. [elicit sympathy] I haven’t any family. My sister Annie’s gone, so’s my Granny and my sister Fanny. I’m all alone. No Annie, no Granny, and no sign of my other sister. I’m in the market for a new husband if anybody’s interested, and Dave is I can tell.

JASPER: I think Dave’s just fainted.

NURSIE: Don’t worry, I’m fully trained in mouth to mouth regurgitation. [moves DS]

JASPER: That’s brought him round again.

NURSIE: Later, Dave. Now let’s all get nice and friendly. Everybody hold your arms out in front, like this. [demonstrates] Now, spread them apart as wide as you can. [to woman on front row] I said arms dear not legs, shut them again, you’re causing a draft. Now turn to the person on your left and give them a big hug – apart from Dave, he’s spoken for. What’s that big book you’re carrying Jasper?

JASPER: Its Merlin’s Big Book of Spells. I’m looking after it while he’s away at Bogwarts.

NURSIE: It looks a bit too heavy to carry around all day.

JASPER: It is, but I daren’t lose it. Merlin said he’s useless without it.

NURSIE: He’s useless with it.

JASPER: I could do with some help looking after it.

NURSIE: [indicating audience] Why don’t you ask that lot to help you?

JASPER: Good idea. [to audience] Will you all help me look after Merlin’s big book of spells? Thanks! I’ll put it down here. [props it against proscenium] If anybody goes near it, just shout, abracadabra! and I’ll come running, okay?

NURSIE: Let’s have a practice, Jasper. You go off and I’ll pretend I’m stealing the book.

JASPER: Okay, Nursie. [exits]

NURSIE: [creeps towards book but Jasper doesn’t appear] Jasper!

JASPER: [entering] Yes?

NURSIE: You didn’t come on just then.

JASPER: That’s because I didn’t hear them shout.

NURSIE: Well, I heard them.

JASPER: Yes, but I’m further away than you.

NURSIE: Let’s try it again.

Repeat business – enter Jasper at a run.

JASPER: I heard them that time!

NURSIE: How are you today Jasper – feeling well?

JASPER: Right up until the moment you arrived.

NURSIE: Then it’s lucky I turned up when I did. [takes out a tongue-depressor] Open wide and say aaaah! [he shakes his head] Open sesame! [bops his head]

JASPER: [holds his head] Aaaah!

NURSIE: [shoves tongue depressor in his mouth] Say, bottle of beer.

JASPER: Gottle a geer!

NURSIE: Now say, bread and butter.

JASPER: Gred an’ gutter!

NURSIE: It’s just as I thought.

JASPER: [worried] What is it Nursie!?

NURSIE: You’re a rubbish ventriloquist.

JASPER: I’m feeling a bit down today Nursie.

NURSIE: Why’s that then?

JASPER: All my fake plants have died

NURSIE: How can fake plants die?

JASPER: I forgot to pretend to water them.

NURSIE: I’m having a blood-donors drive today. Have you ever given blood Jasper?

JASPER: Yes, but I fainted, and they had to put it all back. Although I think they put it back in the wrong arm.

NURSIE: What makes you think that?

JASPER: Because this arm…[lifts arm]…now feels twice as heavy as the other one.