SCENE ONE
CAMELOT TOWN
Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Jasper [SR] carrying a big book.
JASPER: Hiya, folks, and welcome to Camelot! I’m Jasper the Jester, and whenever I come on and shout, ‘hiya, folks’! I want you all to shout back, ‘hiya, Jasper’! Okay? Can you hear me at the back? You could hear me a lot better at the front if you’d booked early. [to man in front row] Wotcha mate, what’s your name? Dave? [use man’s real name] Everybody, look at Dave. Now, it’s your turn, Dave. I’ll count to three, and you shout, ‘hiya folks’! And everybody will shout, ‘hiya, Dave’! Okay? I bet you’re glad you sat in the front now, aren’t you? Here we go. One…two…three! Stick with the day job, Dave.
CHORUS 1: Is it true Sir Lancelot’s returning to Camelot today, Jasper?
JASPER: Yes, it is.
CHORUS 2: Sir Lancelot is soooo brave.
CHORUS 3: Soooo handsome.
CHORUS 4: And soooo hunky.
JASPER: He’s all right if you like the flash, handsome, heroic type.
CHORUS: We do! We do!
JASPER: I thought girls preferred funny men.
CHORUS 5: That lets you out then, Jasper.
JASPER: What are you talking about? Everybody thinks I’m hilarious!
CHORUS 1: Don’t make me laugh!
JASPER: But it’s my job to make people laugh.
CHORUS 2: Well, you’re rubbish at it.
JASPER: Says who?
CHORUS 3: I think the audience reaction says it all.
CHORUS 4: We think you should’ve played a tree, Jasper.
JASPER: What makes you say that?
CHORUS 5: ‘Cos you’re a big sap and your acting’s wooden.
Exit Chorus [SR] laughing.
JASPER: I’m fed up with people laughing at me. If only they’d laugh at my jokes instead.
Music cue 3: Enter Nursie [SL] she wears a nurse’s fob watch and carries a bag containing a medicine bottle, a spoon and a wooden tongue depressor.
NURSIE: At last a bit of eye candy’s arrived! Hello, boys and girls! I’m Nurse Bedpan Camelot’s Chief Medical officer, and it’s my job to keep everybody in rude health. The ruder the better. [laughs] So, whenever I come on, I’ll ask, ‘are you well’? If you are, shout, ‘yes, Nursie’! Otherwise, keep quiet. Nobody likes a moaner. You’ve heard of the lady with the lamp. Well, I’m the lady with the headlamps. [hoists bosom]
JASPER: I think they’ve noticed that already, Nursie.
NURSIE: I’m also a widow, and I don’t have any family. [elicit sympathy] My sister Annie’s gone. So have my Granny and my sister Fanny. I’m all alone. No Annie, no Granny, and no other sister. I’m currently in the market for a new husband if anybody’s interested. [pointing] And Dave is, I can tell.
JASPER: Dave’s just fainted.
NURSIE: Stand aside; I’m fully trained in mouth-to-mouth regurgitation! [moves DS]
JASPER: That’s brought him round again.
NURSIE: Later, Dave. Now, let’s all get nice and friendly. Everybody, hold your arms out in front, like this. [demonstrates] Now, spread them apart as wide as you can. [to front row] No, dear, I said ‘arms’. Now, cross your them and shake hands with the people on either side, and say, ‘pleased to meet you’. That should break the ice. What’s that big book you’re carrying, Jasper?
JASPER: It’s Merlin’s Big Book of Spells; I’m looking after it while he’s away at Bogwarts.
NURSIE: It looks rather heavy to carry around all day.
JASPER: It is, but I daren’t lose it. Merlin says he’s useless without it.
NURSIE: He’s useless with it.
JASPER: I could do with some help to look after it.
NURSIE: Why don’t you ask the boys and girls to help you look after it?
JASPER: Good idea. Boys and girls! Will you help me look after Merlin’s Big Book Of Spells? Thanks! I’ll put it down here. [sets it DSR] Keep an eye on it, and if anybody goes near it, just shout ‘abracadabra’ and I’ll come running, okay?
NURSIE: Let’s have a practice, Jasper. You go off and I’ll pretend I’m about to steal the book.
JASPER: Okay, Nursie. [exits SR]
NURSIE: [creeps towards book but Jasper doesn’t appear] Jasper!
Enter Jasper [SR]
JASPER: Yes, Nursie?
NURSIE: You didn’t come on just then.
JASPER: That’s because I didn’t hear them shout.
NURSIE: Well, I heard them.
JASPER: Yes, but I’m further away than you. Let’s try it again. [exits SR]
NURSIE: Shout even louder this time, boys and girls. [repeats business]
Enter Jasper at a run [SR]
JASPER: I heard them that time!
NURSIE: Anyway, Jasper, how are you today? Feeling well?
JASPER: Well, I was until you appeared.
NURSIE: Then it’s lucky I turned up when I did. [takes our tongue depressor] Open wide and say, aah! [he shakes his head] Open sesame! [bops his head]
JASPER: [holds his head] Aaaah!
NURSIE: [shoves tongue depressor in his mouth] Now say, bottle of beer.
JASPER: Gottle a geer!
NURSIE: Now say, bread and butter.
JASPER: Gred an’ gutter!
NURSIE: It’s just as I thought.
JASPER: [worried] What is it, Nursie!?
NURSIE: You’re a rubbish ventriloquist.
JASPER: I’m feeling a bit down today, Nursie.
NURSIE: And why is that, Jasper?
JASPER: My fake plant has just died.
NURSIE: How can a fake plant die?
JASPER: I forgot to pretend to water it. [laughs]
NURSIE: I’m having a blood-donor drive today. Have you ever given blood, Jasper?
JASPER: Yes, but then I fainted, and they had to put it all back. Although I think they put it back in the wrong arm.
NURSIE: What makes you think that?
JASPER: Because this arm…[lifts arm]…now feels twice as heavy as the other one.
