Camelot The Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

Camelot Town Square

Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Jonny (SR) carrying a big book.

Jonny Hello everybody! Welcome to Camelot! I’m Jonny Jester! Now whenever I come on, I’ll shout, hiya gang! And I want you all to shout back, hiya Jonny. Okay? (response) Can you hear me at the back? You could hear me a lot better at the front if you’d booked earlier. (to man on front row) Wotcha mate. What’s your name? Dave? (use man’s real name) Everybody look at Dave. Now it’s your turn Dave, all on your own. I’ll count to three and then you shout hiya gang! And everybody else will shout hiya Dave, okay? I bet you’re glad you sat on the front now, aren’t you? Here we go then. One…two…three! (man shouts) Stick to the day job, Dave.

Chorus 1 Is it true that Sir Lancelot’s returning to Camelot today, Jonny?

Jonny Yes, it is.

Chorus 2 Sir Lancelot is soooo brave.

Chorus 3 Soooo handsome.

Chorus 4 And soooo dreamy.

Jonny He’s all right. If you like the flash, handsome, muscle-bound, heroic type.

Chorus We do!

Jonny I thought girls preferred funny men.

Chorus 5 That lets you out then.

Jonny Everybody thinks I’m hilarious!

Chorus 1 Don’t make me laugh.

Jonny It’s my job to make people laugh.

Chorus 2 Well you’re rubbish at it.

Jonny Says who?

Chorus 3 I think the audience reaction says it all.

Chorus 4 We think you should’ve played one of the trees.

Jonny Why’s that then?

Chorus 5 ‘Cos you’re a big sap and your acting’s wooden.

Exit Chorus (SR) laughing.

Jonny (to audience) I’m fed up with people laughing at me. If only they’d laugh at my jokes instead. (looks SL) Oh, ‘eck! Here comes trouble.

Music cue 3: Enter Nursie (SL) with an alarm-clock pinned on her uniform. She carries a bag containing a medicine bottle, a spoon and tongue-depressor.

Nursie At last, a bit of eye-candy has arrived! I can see you’re all flabbergasted at seeing such a fit woman onstage. I’m Nurse Betty Bedpan, Camelot’s Chief Medical officer, and it’s my job to make sure everybody’s in rude health. The ruder the better. (laughs) Whenever I come on, I’ll ask, how are you all? If you’re well, say, fine Nursie. If not, keep quiet. Nobody likes a moaner. You’ve heard of the lady with the lamp. Well, I’m the lady with the headlamps. (hoists chest)

Jonny I think they’ve already noticed that.

Nursie I’m also a widow. (elicit sympathy) And I haven’t any family. My sister Annie’s gone, so has my poor old Granny and my sister Fanny. I’m so lonely. No Annie, no Granny and no sign of my other sister. But I’m currently on the lookout for a new husband.

Jonny (pointing) Dave’s just fainted.

Nursie (moving downstage) Luckily, I’m fully trained in mouth-to-mouth regurgitation.

Jonny That’s brought him round again.

Nursie Later, Dave. Now, let’s all get nice and friendly. Everybody hold your arms out in front, like this. (demonstrates) Now, spread them apart as wide as you can…(to lady on front row)…no dear, not your legs. Now, put them around the shoulders of the people either side and give them a big hug. And as you were again. You can let go of Dave dear, he’s spoken for. What’s that big book you’re carrying, Jonny?

Jonny Its Merlin’s Big Book of Magic Spells. I’m looking after it while he’s away at Bogwarts.

Nursie It looks a bit heavy to carry around all day.

Jonny I know, but I daren’t lose it. Merlin said he’s useless without it.

Nursie He’s useless with it.

Jonny I could do with some help looking after it.

Nursie (indicating audience) Why don’t you ask that lot to help you?

Jonny Okay. (to audience) Will you help me look after Merlin’s book of spells? (response) Magic! I’ll put it down here. (props it against proscenium) If anyone goes near it, just shout, abracadabra! and I’ll come running, okay?

Nursie Let’s have a practice. You go off and I’ll pretend to steal the book.

Jonny Okay, Nursie. (exits)

Nursie (creeps toward the book – audience respond but Jonny doesn’t appear) Jonny!

Jonny (entering) Yes?

Nursie You didn’t come on just then.

Jonny That’s because I didn’t hear them shout.

Nursie Well, I heard them.

Jonny Yes, but I’m further away than you.

Nursie Let’s try it again.

Exit Jonny. Nursie repeats the business and Jonny rushes on again.

Jonny I heard them that time!

Nursie Anyway, how are you today Jonny? Feeling well?

Jonny Right up until the moment you arrived.

Nursie Then it’s lucky I turned up when I did. (takes the tongue depresssor from her bag) Open wide and say aaaah! (he shakes his head and she bops him on the head)

Jonny (grabs his head and yells) Aaaah!

Nursie (shoves the tongue depressor in his mouth) Say, bottle of beer.

Jonny Gottle a geer!

Nursie Now say, bread and butter.

Jonny Gred an gutter!

Nursie Aha! It’s just as I thought.

Jonny (worried) What is it Nursie!?

Nursie You’re a rubbish ventriloquist.

Jonny I’m feeling a bit down actually.

Nursie Why’s that then?

Jonny All my fake plants have died.

Nursie How can fake plants die?

Jonny I forgot to pretend to water them.

Nursie By the way Jonny, have you ever given blood?

Jonny Yes, but I fainted, and they had to put it all back again. But I think they put it back in the wrong arm.

Nursie What makes you think that?

Jonny Because this arm…(lifts arm)…now feels twice as heavy as the other one.

Nursie Would you like me to have a look at it for you?

Jonny No thanks. I’d better be going. (turns to go)

Nursie Don’t rush off! (yanks him back by the collar)

Jonny (choking) Yuurk! (feeling his neck) You half-strangled me just then!

Nursie I’ll fully strangle you if you don’t give me the answer I expect.

Jonny The answer to what?

Nursie To when we’re getting married?

Jonny I’m not marrying you!

Nursie But we have so much in common.

Jonny Like what?

Nursie You’re not married, and neither am I.

Jonny I’m not the marrying type.

Nursie A man is incomplete until he’s married.

Jonny And then he’s finished.

Nursie You can’t keep toying with my affections, Jonny.

Jonny I’d never toy with anything of yours.

Nursie Whenever I look at you, I get a lovely warm feeling.

Jonny That sounds like incontinence.

Nursie (places his hand on her chest) Can’t you feel the fire burning within my chest?

Jonny (pulls his hand away) It’s probably just heartburn.

Nursie No! It’s the naked flame of passion!

Jonny Mum warned me to keep away from naked flames.

Nursie Yes, but you’re a big boy now. At least I hope you are. Let’s find out, shall we? (goes to grab him)

Jonny (dodges her) Not bloomin’ likely. (runs off SR)

Nursie He’ll keep. I’d better go and immunise all of Camelot. Bye! (exits SL)

Enter King and Queen (SR)

King Well Guinevere. Our daughter Princess Olivia will soon be married.

Queen Yes, Arthur. To the handsome Prince Hector.

King I just wish we could afford to buy them their own castle.

Queen It’s so hard for young couples to get a foot on the castle-owning ladder, these days.

King If only Merlin could conjure up some cash.

Queen Merlin couldn’t conjure water from a tap.

King Which is why I’ve sent him on a refresher course at Bogwarts.

Queen Don’t you mean, Hogwarts?

King No, we couldn’t afford their fees.

Queen (spots Merlin’s book) What’s this? (goes to pick it up – response)

Enter Jonny at a run (SR)

Jonny Leave that book alone! (realises) Your majesties!

Queen Whose book is that?

Jonny It’s Merlin’s magic spell book.

King What’s it doing there?

Jonny I’m looking after it while he’s away, and they’re…(indicate audience)…helping me.

King (looking out) Who are they?

Jonny They’re tourists.

Queen What are they doing in Camelot?

Jonny Spending money?

King A few tourists won’t solve our money problems.

Jonny What about a National Lottery?

Queen Oh no, that would never catch on.

King We need stacks of cash for Olivia’s wedding.

Jonny How much?

Queen Ooooh…piles!

Enter Nursie at a run (SL) carrying a medical bag.

Nursie I’ve got some cream for that!

King Cream won’t help us make money.

Nursie No, but it’ll help you sit easier on your royal nest-egg.

Queen We don’t have a royal nest-egg.

Nursie You can’t be skint, surely?

King I’m afraid we are.

Queen It costs a fortune to run the royal court.

King Not to mention the army, navy and air force

Jonny But we don’t have aeroplanes in the middle ages.

King We believe in forward planning.

Queen And planning costs money.

King Speaking of which. Have you planned for your retirement, Nursie?

Nursie Not yet.

Queen Why not?

Nursie I can’t imagine ever being that old and wrinkly.

Jonny You’ve already that old and wrinkly.

Nursie Rubbish! I use a face cream that’s guaranteed to turn back the hands of time.

Jonny (aside to audience) Now she has a face that would stop a clock.

King How old are you Nursie?

Nursie I’m not telling. I believe a woman should retain an air of mystery.

Jonny You retain an air of history.

Nursie (raises a fist) You’ll be history in a minute!

Queen Have you given everybody their preventative medicine yet, Nursie?

Nursie I’m just about to your majesty.

Jonny Preventative medicine?

Nursie Apparently, there’s something nasty going around.

Jonny (staring at Nursie) Yes, and I’m looking at it.

Nursie You can have a double dose. (shouts) Roll-up! Roll-up! Get your free sweeties!

Enter Chorus at a run (SR)

Chorus 1 Where are the free sweeties?

Nursie They’re in my bag. But if you want one, you must first take your medicine. (produces a large bottle and a spoon from her bag)

Chorus 2 I knew there’d be a catch.

Nursie Everybody line up!

Chorus form a line across stage and Nursie goes along feeding them in turn. After being fed, each one grimaces and runs off (SR) holding their mouths.

Nursie (to Jonny) And now it’s your turn, laughing-boy.

Jonny Do I have to?

King Everybody must be immunised, without exception.

Nursie Now, open your gob. (he does so, and she feeds him a spoonful of medicine)

Jonny Gaaah! (grabs his tummy) Excuse me! (runs off SL covering his mouth)

Nursie Nobody stopped for a sweetie. Now what shall I do with them?

Queen Why don’t you give them to the audience?

Nursie Good idea. (to audience) Who would like to suck on my mint imperials? I can’t throw them out, because health and safety’s gone mad. I’ll get my medical team to assist me. (shouts) Come in, nurses!

Enter two Nurses (SL) they each take a bag of sweets from Nursie and go into the audience.

King (to Queen) I think it’s time we were getting back to the palace, dear.

King and Queen turn to exit.

Nursie Hold it, your majesties!

King and Queen stop and turn.

Queen Yes Nursie?

Nursie You haven’t had your medicine yet.

King We’re not having any, Nursie.

Nursie Without exception you said.

King I didn’t mean us!

Nursie Come on now, take your medicine like a man.

King I will if you will.

Nursie I’ve already had mine.

Queen (to King) Come on dear, it can’t taste all that bad.

Nursie feeds them each a spoonful.

King Yes, it does!

Queen I’m starting to feel off.

Nursie I’d better check you over. (to Queen) Open your mouth and say, aaaah!

Queen Aaaah!

Nursie I think you ought to see a vet.

Queen Don’t you mean a doctor?

Nursie No, you sound a little hoarse! (laughs)

King I’m feeling a bit woozy.

Nursie I’ll just check your pulse. (holds his wrist and checks her clock) How strange.

King What is it Nursie?

Nursie According to my clock, you’re ticker’s five minutes slow.

Queen (to King) Let’s go home and have a lie-down.

King Good idea.

Exit King and Queen (SL)

Nursie I think I’ve nipped any epidemic in the bud.

Enter Merlin (SR) carrying a wand.

Merlin Good morning Nursie! (spots his book) What’s my Big Book of Magic Spells doing here? (picks it up – response)

Enter Jonny at a run (SL)

Jonny Leave that book alone! Oh, it’s you Merlin.

Merlin You were supposed to be looking after my book, Jonny.

Jonny I am! And this lot…(indicates audience)…are helping me. Anyway, you’re back early. Don’t tell me Bogwart’s expelled you? (laughs) Ex-spelled! (laughs)

Merlin No. They said they couldn’t teach an old dog new tricks.

Nursie Especially one that’s barking.

Merlin I picked up a powerful new wand there and I can’t wait to try it out.

Nursie Why don’t you try it out now, by making me look like…(current famous beauty)

Merlin It’s not that powerful.

Nursie How do you fancy a spell in hospital?

Jonny She’s all yours Merlin. (exits SL)

Merlin I brought you back a present, Nursie.

Nursie Oh, lovely! What is it?

Merlin (produces a trick flower bunch from his sleeve) A bunch of anemones. (hands her the flowers) From one friend to another.

Nursie With friends like you, who needs anemones? (to audience) Get it? I thought not.

Merlin I also obtained the world’s most potent love potion.

Nursie Is it for sale?

Merlin Yes.

Nursie How much?

Merlin Fifty pounds a bottle.

Nursie That’s very expensive.

Merlin Yes, but can you put a price on love?

Nursie I used to be able to, but that’s a different story.

Merlin (to audience) And not one for a family audience.

Nursie When can I get my hands on it?

Merlin Come to my quarters later and I’ll let you have it. (exits SL)

Nursie Ooh, girls! I’m finally going to hook myself a man. They say that good things come to those who wait. And I’ve waited a heck of a long time, I can tell you.

Enter Sir Lancelot (SR)

Sir Lancelot The name’s bond, Sir Lancelot Bond. King Arthur’s Champion and agent for MI5.

Nursie I once bought a corner suite from them.

Sir Lancelot You’re thinking of MFI.

Nursie It fell apart as soon as I sat on it.

Sir Lancelot (looking her over) I’m not surprised.

Nursie What do you do then?

Sir Lancelot King Arthur’s royal wishes.

Nursie You do the royal dishes?

Sir Lancelot No! I carry out his orders!

Nursie What if he orders you to do the dishes?

Sir Lancelot Then I will do them.

Nursie I like a house-trained man. Tell me, are you married?

Sir Lancelot No. (heroic stance – legs apart) I’m too busy performing heroic deeds.

Nursie Why are you standing like that?

Sir Lancelot I’m being heroic!

Nursie You’re being weird. Marry me and we can perform heroic deeds…together.

Sir Lancelot I’m not that heroic.

Nursie Don’t you find me irresistible?

Sir Lancelot No! Now if you’ll excuse me, I must report to MI5 headquarters. (exits SR)

Nursie He’ll find me irresistible once I have Merlin’s love-potion. I only hope it works quicker than those little blue pills did on my late husband. Cheerio! (exits SL)

Enter Prince Hector and Princess Olivia (SR)

Hector I can’t wait until we’re married, Olivia.

Olivia Me too, Hector.

Hector I just wish I’d gotten my hands on something first.

Olivia I beg your pardon?

Hector Our own castle!

Olivia At least we’re together Hector, and that’s all that matters. Music cue 4: Olivia and Hector.After song ends…

Hector And now I must leave you.

Olivia (horrified) Leave me! But why?

Hector To find treasure, dearest.

Olivia But I thought I was your treasure.

Hector I meant actual treasure. Then we can live happily ever after.

Olivia Money isn’t the key to happiness, Hector.

Hector No. But I figure if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

Olivia And where will you find this treasure?

Hector Within the lair of the dreaded Jabberwock.

Olivia Not, the dreaded Jabberwock!? Music cue 5:

Hector Apparently, its lair is crammed with loot from its victims.

Olivia But the Jabberwock might eat you!

Hector Not if I’m invisible.

Olivia But you’re not invisible, Hector.

Hector I intend to obtain an invisibility potion from Merlin.

Olivia Merlin has an invisibility potion?

Hector All wizards have invisibility potions.

Olivia Do they?

Hector I’m sure of it. Now, let’s go and see him.