Camelot The Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

Camelot Town Square

Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Jasper (SR) carrying a big book.

JASPER: Hello everybody! Welcome to Camelot! I’m Jasper the Jester! Whenever I come on, I’ll shout, hiya gang! And I want you all to shout back, hiya Jasper. Okay? Can you hear me at the back? You could hear me a lot better at the front if you’d booked earlier. (to man on front row) Wotcha mate. What’s your name? Dave? (use man’s real name) Everybody look at Dave. Now it’s your turn Dave, all on your own. I’ll count to three and then you shout hiya gang! And everybody else will shout hiya Dave, okay? I bet you’re glad you sat on the front now, aren’t you? Here we go then. One…two…three! Stick to the day job Dave.

CHORUS 1: Is it true, Sir Lancelot’s returning to Camelot today, Jasper?

JASPER: Yes, it is.

CHORUS 2: Sir Lancelot’s soooo brave.

CHORUS 3: Soooo handsome.

CHORUS 4: And soooo hunky.

JASPER: He’s all right, if you like the flash, handsome, muscle-bound, heroic type.

CHORUS: We do!

JASPER: I thought girls preferred funny men.

CHORUS 5: That lets you out then.

JASPER: Everybody thinks I’m hilarious!

CHORUS 1: Don’t make me laugh.

JASPER: But it’s my job to make people laugh.

CHORUS 2: Well, you’re rubbish at it.

JASPER: Says who?

CHORUS 3: I think the audience reaction says it all.

CHORUS 4: You should’ve played one of the trees, Jasper.

JASPER: Why’s that then?

CHORUS 5: ’Cos you’re a big sap and your acting’s wooden.

Exit Chorus (SR) laughing.

JASPER: I’m fed up with people laughing at me. If only they’d laugh at my jokes instead.

Music cue 3: Enter Nursie (SL) She wears a nurse’s watch and carries a bag containing a medicine bottle, a spoon and tongue-depressor.

NURSIE: At last, a bit of eye-candy has arrived! I’m Nurse Bedpan, Camelot’s Chief Medical officer, and it’s my job to make sure everybody’s in rude health. The ruder the better. Whenever I enter, I’ll ask, how are you all? If you’re well, say, fine Nursie. If not, keep quiet. Nobody likes a moaner. You’ve heard of the lady with the lamp. Well, I’m the lady with the headlamps. (hoists chest)

JASPER: I think they’ve noticed that already Nursie.

NURSIE: I’m a widow. (elicit sympathy) And I haven’t any family. My sister Annie’s gone, so’s my Granny and my sister Fanny. I’m all alone. No Annie, no Granny and no – sign of my other sister. But I’m in the market for a new husband.

JASPER: (pointing) Dave’s just fainted.

NURSIE: I’ll see to him. I’m fully trained in mouth-to-mouth regurgitation. (moves DS)

JASPER: That’s brought him round again.

NURSIE: Later, Dave. Now let’s all get nice and friendly. Everybody hold your arms out in front, like this. (demonstrates) Now, spread them apart as wide as you can. (to lady on front row) I said arms dear, not legs. Put them around the people either side and give them a big hug. And as you were again. Let go of Dave dear, he’s spoken for. What’s that big book you’re carrying, Jasper?

JASPER: Its Merlin’s Big Book of Spells. I’m looking after it while he’s away at Bogwarts.

NURSIE: It looks a bit heavy to carry around all day.

JASPER: It is, but I daren’t lose it. Merlin said he’s hopeless without it.

NURSIE: He’s hopeless with it.

JASPER: I could do with some help looking after it.

NURSIE: (indicating audience) Why don’t you ask that lot to help you?

JASPER: Good idea. (to audience) Will you help me look after Merlin’s book of spells? Thanks! I’ll put it down here. (props it against proscenium) If anyone goes near it, just shout, abracadabra! and I’ll come running, okay?

NURSIE: Let’s have a practice, Jasper. You go off and I’ll pretend to steal the book.

JASPER: Okay, Nursie. (exits)

NURSIE: (creeps toward book – audience shout but Jasper doesn’t appear) Jasper!

JASPER: (entering) Yes?

NURSIE: You didn’t come on just then.

JASPER: That’s because I didn’t hear them shout.

NURSIE: Well, I heard them.

JASPER: Yes, but I’m further away than you.

NURSIE: Let’s try it again.

Repeat business and Jasper rushes on again.

JASPER: I heard them that time!

NURSIE: How are you today Jasper? Feeling well?

JASPER: Right up until the moment you arrived.

NURSIE: Then it’s lucky I turned up when I did. (takes out a tongue-depressor) Open wide and say aaaah! (he shakes his head, and she bops him on it)

JASPER: (grabs his head) Aaaah!

NURSIE: (shoves the tongue depressor in his mouth) Say, bottle of beer.

JASPER: Gottle a geer!

NURSIE: Now say, bread and butter.

JASPER: Gred an gutter!

NURSIE: It’s just as I thought.

JASPER: (worried) What is it Nursie!?

NURSIE: You’re a rubbish ventriloquist.

JASPER: I’m feeling a bit down today.

NURSIE: Why’s that then?

JASPER: All my fake plants have died

NURSIE: How can fake plants die?

JASPER: I forgot to pretend to water them.

NURSIE: I’m having a blood-donors drive – have you ever given blood Jasper?

JASPER: Yes, but I fainted, and they had to put it all back. Although I think they put it back in the wrong arm.

NURSIE: What makes you think that?

JASPER: Because this arm…(lifts arm)…now feels twice as heavy as the other one.

NURSIE: Would you like me to take a look at it?

JASPER: No thanks, I’d better be going. (turns to go)

NURSIE: Don’t rush off! (yanks him back by the collar)

JASPER: (choking) Yuurk! (feeling his neck) You half-strangled me just then!

NURSIE: I’ll fully strangle you if you don’t give me the answer I expect.

JASPER: The answer to what?

NURSIE: To when we’re getting married?

JASPER: I’m not marrying you!

NURSIE: But we have so much in common.

JASPER: Like what?

NURSIE: You’re not married, and neither am I.

JASPER: I’m not the marrying type.

NURSIE: A man is incomplete until he’s married.

JASPER: And then he’s finished.

NURSIE: You can’t keep toying with my affections.

JASPER: I’d never toy with anything of yours.

NURSIE: Whenever I look at you, I get a lovely warm feeling.

JASPER: Sounds like incontinence to me.

NURSIE: (pulls his hand to her chest) Can’t you feel the fire burning within my chest?

JASPER: (pulls hand away) It’s probably just heartburn.

NURSIE: It’s not heartburn! It’s the naked flame of passion!

JASPER: Mum always warned me to keep away from naked flames.

NURSIE: Yes, but you’re a big boy now. At least I hope you are. Let’s find out, shall we?

JASPER: Not bloomin’ likely. (exits at a run SR)

NURSIE: He’ll keep. I’m just off to give everybody in Camelot a dose. Bye! (exits SL)

Enter King and Queen (SR)

ARTHUR: Well Guinevere, it’s not long until our daughter Princess Olivia is wed.

GUINEVERE: Yes, Arthur. To the handsome Prince Hector.

ARTHUR: I just wish we could afford to buy them their own place.

GUINEVERE: It’s so hard for young couples to get on the castle-owning ladder, isn’t it?

ARTHUR: If only Merlin could conjure up some cash.

GUINEVERE: Old Merlin couldn’t conjure water from a tap these days.

ARTHUR: Which is why I’ve sent him on a refresher course at Bogwarts.

GUINEVERE: Don’t you mean, Hogwarts?

ARTHUR: No, we couldn’t afford their fees.

GUINEVERE: (spots Merlin’s book) What’s this? (goes to pick it up)

Enter Jasper at a run (SR)

JASPER: Leave that book alone! Oh, it’s you, your majesties!

GUINEVERE: Whose is that book, Jasper?

JASPER: It’s Merlin’s magic spell book.

ARTHUR: What’s it doing there?

JASPER: I’m minding it while he’s away, and they’re helping me. (indicates audience)

ARTHUR: (looking out) Who are they?

JASPER: They’re tourists.

GUINEVERE: What are they doing in Camelot?

JASPER: Spending money?

ARTHUR: A few tourists won’t solve our money problems.

JASPER: What about a National Lottery?

GUINEVERE: Oh no, that would never catch on.

ARTHUR: We need stacks of cash for Olivia’s wedding.

JASPER: How much cash?

GUINEVERE: Ooooh – piles!

Enter Nursie at a run (SL) carrying a medical bag.

NURSIE: I’ve got some cream for that!

ARTHUR: Cream won’t help us make money.

NURSIE: No, but you’ll sit easier on your royal nest-egg.

GUINEVERE: We don’t have a royal nest-egg.

NURSIE: You can’t be skint, surely?

ARTHUR: I’m afraid we are.

GUINEVERE: It costs a fortune to run the royal court.

ARTHUR: Not to mention the army, navy, and air force.

JASPER: But we don’t have aeroplanes in the middle ages.

ARTHUR: We believe in forward planning.

GUINEVERE: And planning costs money.

ARTHUR: Speaking of which. Have you planned for your retirement, Nursie?

NURSIE: Not yet.

GUINEVERE: Why not?

NURSIE: I can’t imagine ever being that old and wrinkly.

JASPER: Have you looked in the mirror recently?

NURSIE: Cheek! I use a face cream that’s guaranteed to turn back the hands of time.

JASPER: (aside to audience) And now her face would stop a clock.

ARTHUR: How old are you anyway Nursie?

NURSIE: I’m not telling. I believe a woman should retain an air of mystery.

JASPER: You retain an air of history.

NURSIE: (raises a fist) You’ll be history in a minute!

GUINEVERE: Have you given everybody their preventative medicine yet, Nursie?

NURSIE: Not yet, your majesty.

JASPER: Preventative medicine?

NURSIE: Apparently, there’s something nasty going around.

JASPER: (staring at Nursie) Yes, and I’m looking at it.

NURSIE: You can have a double dose. (calls) Roll-up! Roll-up! Get your free sweeties!

Enter Chorus at a run (SR)

CHORUS 1: Where are the free sweeties?

NURSIE: They’re in my bag. But if you want one, you must first take your medicine. (produces a large bottle and a spoon from her bag)

CHORUS 2: I knew there’d be a catch.

NURSIE: Everybody, line up!

Chorus form a line and Nursie goes along feeding them in turn. After being fed, each one exits at a run (SR) holding their mouths.

NURSIE: (to Jasper) And now it’s your turn, laughing-boy.

JASPER: Do I have to, Nursie?

ARTHUR: Everybody must be immunised, without exception.

NURSIE: Now, open your gob. (he does so, and she feeds him the medicine)

JASPER: Gaaah! Gangway! (exits at a run SL covering his mouth)

NURSIE: Nobody stopped for a sweetie! Now, what shall I do with them?

GUINEVERE: Why don’t you give them to the audience?

NURSIE: Good idea. (to audience) Who would like to suck on my mint balls? I can’t throw them out because health and safety’s gone mad. I’ll get my medical team to assist me. (shouts) Come in, team!

Enter two Nurses (SL) they take bags of sweets and move into audience.

ARTHUR: (to Queen) It’s time we were getting back to the palace, dear.

King and Queen turn to exit.

NURSIE: Hold it right there, your majesties!

King and Queen stop and turn.

GUINEVERE: Yes, Nursie?

NURSIE: You haven’t had your medicine yet.

ARTHUR: We’re not having any!

NURSIE: Without exception you said.

ARTHUR: I didn’t mean us!

NURSIE: Come and take your medicine like a man.

ARTHUR: I will if you will.

NURSIE: I’ve already had mine.

GUINEVERE: (to King) Come on dear, it can’t taste all that bad.

Nursie feeds them each in turn.

ARTHUR: Yes, it does!

GUINEVERE: I’m starting to feel off.

NURSIE: I’d better check you over. (to Queen) Open your mouth and say, aaaah!

GUINEVERE: Aaaah!

NURSIE: I think you ought to see a vet.

GUINEVERE: Don’t you mean a doctor?

NURSIE: No, you sound a little hoarse! (laughs)

ARTHUR: I’m feeling woozy.

NURSIE: I’ll check your pulse. (holds his wrist and checks her watch) How strange.

ARTHUR: What is it Nursie?

NURSIE: According to my clock, you’re ticker’s five minutes slow.

GUINEVERE: (to King) Let’s go home and have a lie-down.

ARTHUR: Yes, let’s.

Exit King and Queen (SL)

NURSIE: I think I’ve nipped any epidemic in the bud.

Enter Merlin (SR) carrying a wand.

MERLIN: Good morning Nursie! (spots his book) What’s my Big Book of Spells doing here? (picks it up)

Enter Jasper at a run (SL)

JASPER: Leave that book alone! Oh, it’s you Merlin.

MERLIN: You were supposed to be looking after my book, Jasper.

JASPER: I did look after it! How come, you’re back early? Did Bogwarts expel you? (laughs) Ex-spell? Get it?

MERLIN: They said they couldn’t teach an old dog new tricks.

NURSIE: Especially one that’s barking.

MERLIN: I picked up a powerful new wand there and I can’t wait to try it out.

NURSIE: Why don’t you try it out now, by making me look like…(current beauty)

MERLIN: It’s not that powerful.

NURSIE: How do you fancy a spell in hospital?

JASPER: I’ll leave you both alone for a spell. (exits SL)

MERLIN: I brought you back a present, Nursie.

NURSIE: Oh, lovely! What is it?

MERLIN: (produces a trick flower bunch from his sleeve) A bunch of anemones. (hands her the flowers) From one friend to another.

NURSIE: With friends like you, who needs anemones?

MERLIN: I also obtained the world’s most potent love potion.

NURSIE: Oh, I say! Is it for sale?

MERLIN: Yes.

NURSIE: How much?

MERLIN: Fifty pounds a bottle.

NURSIE: That’s expensive!

MERLIN: Yes, but can you put a price on love?

NURSIE: I used to be able to – but that’s a different story.

MERLIN: And not one for a family audience.

NURSIE: When can I get my hands on it?

MERLIN: Come to my quarters later and I’ll let you have it. (exits SL)

NURSIE: Ooh, girls! I’m finally going to hook myself a man. They say that good things come to those who wait. And I’ve waited a heck of a long time, I can tell you.

Music cue 4: Enter Sir Lancelot (SR)

LANCELOT: The name’s bond, Sir Lancelot Bond. The King’s Champion and agent for MI5.

NURSIE: I once bought a corner suite from them.

LANCELOT: You’re thinking of MFI.

NURSIE: It fell apart as soon as I sat on it.

LANCELOT: I’m not surprised.

NURSIE: What do you do then?

LANCELOT: I see to King Arthur’s wishes.

NURSIE: You do the King’s dishes?

LANCELOT: No! I carry out his orders!

NURSIE: What if he orders you to do the dishes?

LANCELOT: Then I will do them.

NURSIE: I like a house-trained man. Tell me, are you married?

LANCELOT: No. (heroic stance – legs apart) I’m too busy performing heroic deeds.

NURSIE: Why are you standing like that?

LANCELOT: I’m being heroic!

NURSIE: You’re being weird. Marry me and we can perform heroic deeds together.

LANCELOT: I’m not that heroic.

NURSIE: Don’t you find me irresistible?

LANCELOT: No! Now if you’ll excuse me, I must report to MI5 headquarters. (exits SR)

NURSIE: He’ll find me irresistible once I have Merlin’s love-potion. I just hope it works quicker than those little blue pills did on my late husband. Cheerio! (exits SL)

Enter Prince Hector and Princess Olivia (SR)

OLIVIA: I can’t wait until we’re married, Hector.

HECTOR: Me too, Olivia. Although I had hoped to get my hands on something first.

OLIVIA: I beg your pardon?

HECTOR: Our own castle!

OLIVIA: We have each other Hector, and that’s all that matters. Music cue 5: Olivia and Hector. After song ends…

HECTOR: And now I must leave you, Olivia.

OLIVIA: (upset) Leave me! But why?

HECTOR: I’m off to find treasure.

OLIVIA: I thought I was your treasure, honeybun?

HECTOR: I meant actual treasure, pumpkin. Then we can live happily and rich ever after.

OLIVIA: Money isn’t the key to happiness, Hector.

HECTOR: I figure if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

OLIVIA: And where will you find this treasure?

HECTOR: Within the lair of the dreaded Jabberwock.

OLIVIA: Not – the dreaded Jabberwock!? Music cue 6:

HECTOR: Apparently, its lair is crammed with treasure looted from its victims.

OLIVIA: But the Jabberwock might eat you!

HECTOR: Not if I’m invisible, Olivia.

OLIVIA: But you’re not invisible, Hector.

HECTOR: Not yet. But I intend to obtain an invisibility potion from Merlin.

OLIVIA: Merlin has an invisibility potion?

HECTOR: All wizards have invisibility potions.

OLIVIA: Do they?

HECTOR: Oh yes, I’m sure of it. Now, let’s go and see him.

Exit Hector and Olivia (SL)