Caesar ‘The Panto’

Scene Six

The Senate Building

Music cue 11: Ensemble: After song ends…

M.A
(announcing loudly) Members of the Senate! Caesar has brought ridicule on the once great Roman Empire and must be got rid off!

General agreement.

Brutus
When shall we strike?

M.A
Today, at the Circus Maximus.

Markus
And who’s going to rule Rome once Caesar is dead?

M.A
Well reluctant as I am to put my name forward…

Spencius
(aside to Markus)…As reluctant as Katie Price posing for the paparazzi.

M.A
…If I should become Caesar, I will forge an alliance with the great Egyptian queen, Cleopatra and together we will rule the civilised world.

Markus
And what about the uncivilised world?

M.A
I’ll have it paved over and turned it into a giant patio. (manic laugh) Ha-ha-ha!

Spencius
(aside to Markus) I think we might be making a big mistake here, Markus.

Markus
You’re right Spencius. The chance of supreme power has gone to his head.

M.A
What are you two whispering about? You’re not plotting against me are you?

Spencius
(scared) Of course not, we were um…er…(to Markus)…help me out here Markus.

Markus
We were just saying, how much we’re looking forward to you being supreme ruler of the Roman Empire.

Spencius
(relieved) Well done bro.

M.A
Yes, life will be sweet under my dictatorship – did I say ‘dictatorship’? I meant, ‘stewardship’. Now can I count on your support?

All
(variously) Absolutely! You’re our man! Good old M.A!

Julius Caesar enters (SR) strumming on a lyre and singing.

Caesar
#Wherever you may wander, there’s no place like Rome#

Senators
Hail Caesar!

Caesar
Hail me! (to audience) It’s wonderful being supreme ruler of the civilised world you know. I can do anything I like and no one can touch me.

Brutus
It’s good to see you looking so well Caesar.

Caesar
Well I have just come back from an XVIII-XXX holiday.

Markus
(aside to audience) Work it out for yourselves.

M.A
(steps forward) Hail Caesar!

Caesar
Mark Anthony! My bestest friend in the whole world! How are you?

M.A
All the better now that you have returned to the bosom of Rome, Caesar.

Caesar
Thank you. And speaking of bosoms. Where is Gluteus Maximus with my British bride-to-be?

M.A
He approaches the gates of Rome as we speak, Caesar.

Caesar
Oh, good! Soon I will marry Princess Britney and forge an alliance with the British against the Gauls and then all the treasures of France will be mine.

Brutus
Not to mention the treasures of the fair Britney, eh Caesar?

Caesar
Oooh, yes. It is said that British women are beautiful and curvaceous and have huge…intellects. A rare combination in most of the women I’ve ever met.

M.A
Indeed sire. Although I think we should point out to all the females in the audience, that we didn’t write this rubbish.

Caesar
I do hope Princess Britney likes it here.

Spencius
Who does not enjoy being in Rome?

Markus
Well all those slaves we feed to the lions for a start. Still, it keeps us in work. (to Spencius) Eh, Spencius?

Spencius
Absolutely. Ever since we opened our new slave department, Markus and Spencius have gone from strength to strength.

M.A
Will you be going to the Circus Maximus today, Caesar?

Caesar
No, I went yesterday and it was rubbish! It was more one-sided than an England Germany match.

Brutus
What was the score?

Caesar
Lions 20, Clowns 0.

M.A
But I have a special surprise planned for you, Caesar.

Caesar
Oh you do spoil me, M.A. So what’s the surprise then?

M.A
Well if I told you what it was it wouldn’t be a surprise, now would it.

Caesar
Of course not. Oh, all right then I’ll go.

M.A
Excellent. (to the others) Come senators, let us go and make arrangements for Caesar’s demise…I mean, ‘surprise’.

M.A and the other Senators exit (SR)

Gluteus Maximus enters (SL)

Gluteus. M
Hail Caesar!

Caesar
(eager) Skip the formalities and tell me about Princess Britney. Is she as beautiful as I’ve heard?

Gluteus. M
Sire, she has a face like a fine painting. A neck like a swan and feet like finest alabaster…

Caesar
‘Ang on! ‘Ang on! Don’t miss out all the interesting bits in between!

Gluteus. M
They are indescribable sire.

Caesar
That good, eh? And once we’re married, the Britons will love me even more than they do now.

Gluteus. M
If only that were true, sire.

Caesar
What do you mean?

Gluteus. M
The Brits want all us Romans to leave.

Caesar
Ungrateful lot! I sometimes wonder if it’s worth trying to civilise them. Look at all those lovely straight roads I’ve built them and they don’t even bother using them.

Gluteus. M
Potholes!

Caesar
It’s true I tell you!

Gluteus. M
No sire, too many potholes in the roads.

Caesar
Well it’s hardly my fault, is it? Maybe they should complain to the council a bit more. Now where is Princess Britney? I can’t wait to see her.

Gluteus. M
She waits without, Caesar.

Caesar
Well obviously she waits without me. I’m in here and she’s out there. Bring her in at once.

Gluteus. M
Yes sire. (calls to wing) Bring in the Princess Britney!

Lurkio enters (SL)

Lurkio
(to audience) Greetings citizens!

Caesar
(dragging G.M aside) I thought you said she was beautiful! She looks more like the back end of a busus!

Gluteus. M
No sire, that’s my servant Lurkio. (to Lurkio) Where is Princess Britney?

Lurkio
She won’t be a moment, she’s just putting her face on. (to audience) Although a mask would be a better option, if you ask me. (looking off) Here she comes now.

Princess Britney enters (SL)

Caesar
(aghast) She’s Princess Britney?

Gluteus. M
Yes sire.

Caesar
But she looks worse than your servant!

Britney
(to Caesar) So you’re the great Julius Caesar I’ve heard so much about?

Caesar
(flattered) You recognise me, then?

Britney
Yes, I’ve seen your bust many times.

Caesar
Luckily I can’t say the same.

Britney
(posing alluringly) And dost Caesar likest what he seest?

Caesar
No I dost noteth The stories of your beauty have been greatly exaggerated.

Britney
How dare you! I have everything a man could wish for.

Caesar
Well I’m a man and I certainly don’t wish for it.

Britney
At least I don’t have a bottom like yours.

Caesar
What’s wrong with my bottom?

Britney
You’ve got a big bum.

Gluteus. M
So that’s what it means! (to Lurkio – fuming) Lurkio!

Lurkio
Sorry master, my British-Roman phrasebook must have had a misspelling.

Caesar
(to Britney) Anyway, I don’t have a big bottom. It’s just the way my toga rides up.

Britney
Prove it.

Caesar
All right then, I will.

Britney
What? In front of all these people.

Caesar
(to Lurkio) Slave, fetch my digital camera.

Lurkio
I can’t.

Gluteus. M
Why not?

Lurkio
Because cameras haven’t been invented yet.

Caesar
Maybe not in Britannicus. But we Romans are way ahead of our time.

Lurkio
Yes sire. (exits SR)

Caesar
(to Britney) Now prepare to see something amazing.

Britney
Don’t tell me it has a telescopic lens.

Lurkio re-enters with a small digital camera, primed and ready to take a snap.

Lurkio
Here you are sire. (hands him the camera)

Caesar
Now you’ll see. (shoves the camera up his toga and we see a camera flash – he holds up the camera and shows the image to Britney) There, now do you believe me?

Britney
It’s a lot smaller than I’d imagined, but I was right about your big bum though.

Caesar
(aside to G.M) I can’t marry this Angle moron!

Gluteus. M
But if you don’t, then your enemies in the Senate will use it as an excuse to get rid of you. They’re counting on this union to help defeat the Gauls.

Caesar
Then it seems I have little choice.

Gluteus. M
Don’t worry sire, once the Gauls have been defeated you can always feed her to the lions.

Lurkio
(aside to audience) And hope they’re not fussy eaters.

Caesar
(to Britney) Princess Britney, you will marry me first thing in the morning.

Britney
And what if I refuse?

Caesar
Then I’ll have you fed to the lions.

Britney
Oooh, let me think about this. (to audience) What do you think I should do, boys and girls? Marry an Emperor who rules half the known world and live life in decadent luxury? Or stay true to Prince Ralph – someone whom I’ve never met – and get fed to the lions? (audience respond) You’re right, I must stay true to my principals. (to Caesar) All right, I’ll marry you. (to audience) My principals are self-preservation at all costs.

Basildon Bond enters (SR)

Basildon
Great Caesar, I have grave news!

Lurkio
Don’t tell me they’ve cancelled ‘I’m A Slave, Get Me Out Of Here’!

Basildon
No.

Lurkio
Thank goodness. I’ve waited years to get on that programme. (to audience) Although most Romans seem to prefer ‘Come Die With Me’ with Lucrezia Borgia.

Caesar
(to Basildon) What news do you have my trusted master spy?

Basildon
British spies have been spotted in ‘The Vestal Virgin Tavern’ and I believe they’re planning to kidnap Princess Britney and take her back to Britannicus.

Britney
It must be my friends come to rescue me.

Caesar
(to G. M) You will proceed to ‘The Vestal Virgin’ and arrest these spies.

Gluteus. M
But I’ve only just returned to Rome after many years away, and my wife Nymphomanium will be desperate to see me.

Caesar
Less desperate than you might think actually. Now go and serve your emperor!

Gluteus. M
Yes Caesar! (to Lurkio) Come Lurkio.

Britney
(to audience) I’m not sure I want to be rescued now. Life in Rome is quite nice really. And they have something called ‘shops’ here. Speaking of which. (to Caesar) I’m just off to do a spot of shopping my little Italian stallion.

Caesar
Shopping?

Britney
Well if we’re to be married I’ll need a wedding outfit. So I’m off to the Coliseum Shopping Centre. Cheerio! (exits SL)

Megaphonus enters (SR) possibly shouting through a megaphone.

Mega
Woe, woe and thrice woe!

Caesar
(to audience) This is my soothsayer, Megaphonus. (to Megaphonus) How many times must I tell you Megaphonus, you’re not allowed inside the senate building.

Mega
But I have something urgent to impart that cannot wait.

Caesar
In that case, it’s down the corridor and first on the left.