SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF DUNGWORTH
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Morag, Gertie, Bert and Reg [SR]
MORAG: What an idyllic life we live here in the beautiful village of Dungworth.
BERT: I just hope those rotten Romans don’t turn up and spoil everything.
REG: If they come here we’ll soon show them what we’re made of!
GERTIE: We certainly will, won’t we, Morag?
MORAG: Definitely Gertie. We’re used to showing soldiers what we’re made of.
REG: It’s time we got rid of them all. I mean, what have the Romans ever done for us?
BERT: They gave us sanitation, Reg.
GERTIE: And a good job too. I remember what Dungworth used to smell like.
MORAG: The clue’s in the name.
REG: All right; sanitation’s the one thing the Romans have done for us.
BERT: And they built all those nice straight roads.
REG: That goes without saying, Bert. But apart from sanitation and the roads, what have the Romans ever done for us?
GERTIE: Irrigation!
MORAG: Medicine!
BERT: Education!
REG: Yes, all right.
GERTIE: Law and order!
REG: Fair enough.
MORAG: Running water!
REG: Credit where it’s due.
BERT: Don’t forget the wine; that’s something we’d really miss if the Romans left.
REG: That’s just the sort of comment I’d expect from a wino.
GERTIE: And what about the public baths?
REG: What about them?
GERTIE: Well, we didn’t have them before the Romans arrived.
REG: And?
GERTIE: And now we do.
REG: Apart from sanitation, roads, medicine, education, law, and order, running water, wine, and public baths. What have the Romans ever done for us?
BERT: They gave us Netflix, Reg.
GERTIE: And Amazon Prime.
MORAG: I’d feel lost without my boxsets.
REG: Don’t talk stupid, we don’t have streaming platforms in 55BC!
BERT: The Romans are very advanced for their time, Reg.
REG: I’ll advance my boot up your backside in a minute!
Enter Villager at a run [SL]
VILLAGER: The Romans are coming! The Romans are coming!
BERT: Run for your lives!
REG: What happened to showing them what we’re made of?
BERT: They’d soon find out after slicing us up with their great big swords!
REG: I say we stand and fight!
BERT: I’m not facing soldiers who wear short skirts and no underwear!
MORAG: No underwear?
BERT: Not so much as a thong; not even in the winter.
GERTIE: I vote we stay and surrender.
MORAG: I’m all for surrendering, Gertie.
REG: I’ll bet you are. Well, I’m not having it! [draws his sword]
BERT: You’re not thinking of taking them on all by yourself, are you, Reg?
REG: No, but I’m going to stop our women fraternising with them.
GERTIE: What does fraternising mean?
REG: It’s…erm…I can’t put my finger on it right now; and neither are those rotten Romans! Now, let’s go before they get here.
BERT: We’re running away after all then, Reg?
REG: It’s called a strategic withdrawal. Then, when the time is right, we’ll strike!
MORAG: If there’s one thing we Brits are good at, it’s striking.
REG: Move it! [marches them off at sword-point SR]
Music cue 2: Enter Roman Soldiers [SL]
SOLDIER 1: The whole village is deserted Commander.
SOLDIER 2: Just like every other village we’ve visited.
GLUTEUS: The Brits always flee once they spot our brave legionnaires.
SOLDIER 3: [sweetly] I think I’d flee too, if lots of big butch men wearing short skirts and no underwear suddenly turned up, waving their big weapons about.
GLUTEUS: That’s not what I’ve heard, soldier.
SOLDIER 3: Never listen to tittle tattle, Commander.
SOLDIER 1: What strange people these Britons are. Right in the middle of that last battle at precisely four o’clock, they suddenly stopped fighting and went and drank some hot brown water with milk and two sugars.
SOLDIER 2: And they insist on driving their chariots on the wrong side of the road. =
GLUTEUS: Speaking of strange people; where is my slave, Lurkio?
SOLDIER 3: I spotted him taking a comfort break behind a big bush back there.
LURKIO: [screams off] Aaaah!
Enter Lurkio [SR] holding a rolled-up umbrella and rubbing his bottom.
LURKIO: Flaming nettles! [to audience] Saluté!
GLUTEUS: There you are, Lurkio.
LURKIO: Hail, GM!
GLUTEUS: Don’t call me, GM! I’m Gluteus Maximus, Commander of the British Roman Legions! Loathed and feared throughout the Roman Empire!
LURKIO: And booed by pantomime audiences everywhere. [elicit boos]
