Caesar The Panto



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It’s 55BC and the Roman Empire rules over ancient Britain. But rebellion is in the air in the form of a group of British freedom-fighters, led by the inept Reginald.

Princess Britney of Essex is kidnapped and taken to Rome, to marry Caesar and hopefully quell the rebellion. But her fiancé, Prince Ralph of Wessex, sets off to rescue her, accompanied by Britney’s parents, and her sister, Princess Whitney. Unbeknownst to them, they are accompanied by Basildon Bond, Caesar’s master spy and self-styled master of disguise.

Back in Rome, Mark Anthony decides that he wants to be Caesar instead. And things get complicated when the British freedom fighters turn up, having hitched a ride aboard a Roman ship, posing as galley slaves. They also aim to take down Caesar, and the story concludes in three-way showdown in the Coliseum, where Clarence the cross-eyed lion plays a pivotal role in the eventual outcome.

A hilarious panto, reminiscent of Carry On Cleo and featuring two outrageously funny ugly sisters types, Britney and Whitney.


11 principals plus several smaller roles including some cameo roles and a chorus. Plenty of scope for doubling and even trebling up. Also includes a Horse and a Lion.


All our scripts have a runtime of approximately 2hrs (not including any interval) but this is very dependent on your own production and can be edited by yourselves to suit your own needs.


Our pantomimes all come with a full, suggested songs, music cues and SFX list.


Traditional British pantomime, incorporating visual comedy, slapstick and audience participation.

Free Sample




[scope for doubling/trebling up]
Mark Antony
Captain Bilious
Geldof [a horse]
Dancers; Villagers; Soldiers; Senators; etc.




Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]

Enter Morag Gertie, Bert, and Reg [SR]

MORAG: What an idyllic life we live here in the beautiful village of Dungworth.

BERT: Let’s hope those rotten Romans don’t turn up and spoil things.

REG: If they did come here, we’d soon show ‘em what we’re made of!

GERTIE: We certainly would, wouldn’t we Morag?

MORAG: Definitely Gertie. We’re used to showing soldiers what we’re made of.

REG: It’s time we drove them out. I mean, what have the Romans ever done for us?

BERT: They gave us sanitation, Reg.

GERTIE: And a good job too. I remember what Dungworth used to smell like.

MORAG: The clue’s in the name.

REG: Okay, sanitation is the one thing the Romans have done for us.

BERT: And they built all those nice straight roads.

REG: That goes without saying, Bert. But apart from sanitation and the roads. What have the Romans ever done for us?

GERTIE: Irrigation!

MORAG: Medicine!

BERT: Education!

REG: Yes, all right…

GERTIE: Law and order.

REG: Fair enough…

MORAG: Running water.

REG: Credit where it’s due.

BERT: Don’t forget the wine. That’s something we’d really miss if the Romans left.

REG: That’s just the sort of comment I’d expect from a wino.

GERTIE: And what about the public baths?

REG: What about them?

GERTIE: Well, we didn’t have them before the Romans arrived.

REG: And?

GERTIE: And now we do.

REG: Apart from sanitation, roads, medicine, education, law, and order, running water, wine, and public baths. What have the Romans ever done for us?

BERT: They gave us Netflix, Reg!

GERTIE: And Amazon Prime!

MORAG: I’d be lost without my boxsets.

REG: Don’t talk stupid, we don’t have any of those things in 55BC!

BERT: The Romans are very advanced for their time, Reg.

REG: I’ll advance my boot up your backside in a minute!

Enter Villager at a run [SL]

VILLAGER: The Romans are here! The Romans are here!

BERT: Run for your lives!

REG: What happened to showing them what we’re made of?

BERT: They’d soon find out after slicing us up with their big swords!

REG: I say we stay and fight!

BERT: I’m not facing soldiers who wear short skirts and no underwear!

MORAG: No underwear!?

BERT: Not so much as a thong – even in winter.

GERTIE: I vote we stay and surrender.

MORAG: I’m all for surrendering, too.

REG: I’ll bet you are. Well, I’ll not having it! [draws his sword]

BERT: You’re not thinking of taking them on by yourself, are you Reg?

REG: No, but I’m going to stop our women fraternising with them.

GERTIE: What’s fraternising?

REG: It’s…erm…I can’t put my finger on it right now. And neither are those rotten Romans. Now, let’s go before they get here.

BERT: So, we’re running away after all then, Reg?

REG: It’s called a strategic withdrawal! Then when the time is right, we’ll strike!

MORAG: If there’s one thing us Brits are good at, it’s striking.

REG: Now, move it! [marches them off at sword point SR]

Music cue 2: Enter Roman Soldiers [SL]

SOLDIER 1: The whole village is deserted commander.

SOLDIER 2: Just like every other village we’ve visited.

GLUTEUS: The Brits always flee once they spot our brave Legionnaires.

SOLDIER 3: I think I would, if lots of big butch men wearing short skirts and no underwear suddenly turned up, waving their big weapons about.

GLUTEUS: That’s not what I’ve heard, soldier.

SOLDIER 3: Never listen to tittle tattle, commander.

SOLDIER 1: What strange people these Britons are. Right in the middle of that last battle, at precisely four o’clock. They suddenly stopped fighting and went and drank some hot brown water, with milk and two sugars.

SOLDIER 2: And they insist on driving their chariots, on the left.

GLUTEUS: Speaking of strange people, where is my slave Lurkio?

SOLDIER 3: I spotted him taking a comfort break behind a big bush, back there.

LURKIO: [screams off] Aaaah!

Enter Lurkio [SR] holding a rolled-up umbrella and rubbing his bottom.

LURKIO: Flaming nettles! [to audience] Saluté!

GLUTEUS: There you are Lurkio!


GLUTEUS: Don’t call me GM! I am Gluteus Maximus, Commander of the British Roman Legions. Loathed and feared throughout the Roman Empire.

LURKIO: And booed by pantomime audiences everywhere. [elicit boos]