Bunfight At The OK Corral

Scene One

The Tumbleweed Saloon

Everybody enters and exits via the saloon swing-door (SR) unless otherwise stated. A bar is (USC) have as many tables and chairs as is practicable. Saloon Girls perform a song and dance routine. Music cue 1: Saloon Girls. After song ends…Saloon Girls exit (USL)

Enter Butch.

Butch Howdy folks! And welcome to Dodgy City! I’m Butch Casserole, and I work here at The Tumbleweed Saloon. Now, Dodgy City’s a mighty friendly place and we all greet each other in a mighty friendly way. So, every time I come on. I’ll shout howdy-doody, folks! and I want you all to shout back, mighty fine, Butch! Will you do that? (response) Let’s give it a try then. (exits and re-enters) Howdy-doody, folks! (repeat until happy) The Tumbleweed Saloon is about to get a new owner today, on account of the previous one dying from a sudden case of lead poisoning. He was shot so full of lead, you could have sharpened his head and used him as a pencil. And they’re arriving on the next stagecoach.

Customer 1 I hope they don’t turn the place into a Weatherspoon’s.

Customer 2 Folks around here don’t like change.

Butch I’ll try and remember that, the next time you buy a drink.

Enter Molly at a run.

Molly Butch! The stagecoach has just pulled up outside!

Butch (to Customers) Okay folks! Let’s give the new owner a good impression. So, no cussin’ or spittin’!

Enter Belle, singing.

Belle #Oh give me a home, where the buffalo roam, and I’ll show you a house full of…# (notices everybody staring at her) What are you all staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a woman before?

Customer 3 Yeah, but we ain’t never seen one like you afore.

Belle (preening) I don’t suppose you meet many women, as refined as what I am.

Customer 4 You look about as refined as Katie Price! (laughs)

Belle (to Customer 4) And you’d better smarten up for starters, if you want to continue frequenting my establishment.

Butch You’re the saloon’s new owner!?

Belle That’s right. Belle’s the name. Belle Bottoms.

Customer 1 Well I’ll be hornswoggled!

Belle Not in here you won’t! This is going to be a family-friendly pub.

Customer 2 hoikes and spits on the floor.

Belle Oi you!

Customer 2 You talkin’ to me?

Belle Yes! You’re barred!

Customer 2 What fer?

Belle For spitting on the floor!

Customer 3 But we always spit on the floor.

Customer 4 What do you think the sawdust’s fer?

Customer 1 Next, you’ll be tellin’ us we can’t bring our horses in here no more.

Belle Of course you can’t! This is a saloon, not a stable!

Customer 2 Well I can see an ugly old mare in here, right now.

Belle Where? (whirls around) I don’t see any ugly old mare.

Customer 3 Try lookin’ in the mirror!

Customers laugh.

Belle (to Customers) That’s it! You’re all barred!

Customer 4 (to others) Come on folks, let’s take our custom to…(name of local pub)

Customers exit (SL)

Music cue 2: Enter Doc Holliday.

Doc Holliday Where’s everybody going, Molly? You’re not closing early are you?

Molly No, Doc Holliday. (moves behind the bar)

Doc Holliday Thank goodness. I thought I’d missed breakfast. The usual please, Molly.

Molly (places a bottle of whiskey on the bar) Here you are, Doc.

Doc Holliday (guzzles the bottle) That’s better.

Butch (to Belle) You do realise you’ve just barred most of our customers?

Belle We can do without people like that in here.

Molly But they’re the only kinda people we’ve got around here.

Belle (to Molly & Butch) And who are you two?

Butch We’re your employees.

Molly I’m Molly.

Butch And I’m Butch.

Belle I must say, you hide it very well.

Molly You’re the third owner we’ve had this year.

Belle Didn’t the others like it here, then?

Butch They liked it fine.

Belle Then why didn’t they stay?

Molly They did.

Belle And where are they now?

Doc Holliday In the cemetery.

Belle What are they doing there?

Butch Pushin’ up the daisies.

Belle You mean, they’re dead!?

Doc Holliday Yup! They had more holes in them a sieve.

Belle What happened to them?

Molly They got shot.

Belle Where?

Doc Holliday In the body, mostly. And I should know, I’m a doctor. (swigs bottle)

Belle I meant whereabouts, geographically.

Molly In this very saloon.

Butch Friday nights can get a bit rough in here.

Belle Maybe I should get myself a couple of big bouncers.

Doc Holliday (ogling her chest) Looks to me like you already have.

Enter Mayor Burke.

Mayor Sarsaparilla please, Molly.

Molly Yes, Mr Mayor. (moves behind the bar)

Belle How do your Mayorship. I’m Belle Bottoms, the new proprietor of this saloon.

Mayor I sure hope you last longer than the previous ones.

Belle Don’t worry. I plan on being around a long time.

Mayor You look like you already have been.

Belle How long have you been Mayor?

Mayor Ten years.

Belle That’s exactly how long my late husband’s been gone. (vamping) And I’m in the market for a new one.

Mayor Well don’t look at me. I never shop at the market.

Belle I’ll never forget our honeymoon. I didn’t sleep a wink. All night long, it was up and down, up and down. In and out, in and out. (to audience) Take my advice ladies, and never book a room next to a lift.

Doc Holliday What did your husband die of, Belle?

Belle He died of a Sunday. Or was it a Monday?

Doc Holliday I meant how did he die?

Belle He worked at the Nescafe factory. And he died after falling into a vat of hot coffee.

Molly What a horrible way to go.

Belle Yes, but at least it was instant. (to audience) Think about it.

Doc Holliday I’d better be going. I have surgery this morning. Can I give anybody a lift?

Belle You can’t drive home in that state!

Doc Holliday Why not?

Belle Because you’re drunk as a skunk!

Doc Holliday Yeah, but my horse ain’t. (staggers off SL)

Enter Frisco Kid.

Frisco Gimme a shot’a whiskey, barmaid!

Mayor I’ll have another sarsaparilla, Molly. (to Frisco) I believe in temperance.

Frisco I don’t care if you believe in flatulence.

Mayor We don’t want that sort’a language around here. This is a respectable town I’ll have you know.

Frisco And I’ll have you know I’ve already shot three men today.

Mayor So?

Frisco (brandishing his gun) So I could always make it four.

Mayor I’ll get these, Molly!

Molly pours their drinks.

Frisco Much obliged. Bottoms up! (downs it in one)

Belle (pointing at Frisco’s gun) That’s a mighty big weapon you have there, mister.

Frisco I’m from Texas ma’am. Everybody has big ones down there.

Butch I once got into an argument with a man from Texas. He drew a gun, so I drew a gun. Then he drew another gun, so I drew another gun. Pretty soon we were surrounded by lots of drawings of guns

Frisco (looking past Belle at Molly) What’s your name, gorgeous?

Belle (preens) It’s, Belle.

Frisco Well you’ve just dropped a clanger, ‘cos I was talkin’ to your barmaid.

Belle Cheek! Who are you, anyway?

Frisco The name’s Keith. But everybody calls me, The Frisco Kid.

Mayor I don’t hold with silly nicknames. I shall call you by your proper name.

Frisco Suit yourself. But the last person who called me Keith, is feeding the buzzards.

Mayor (suddenly friendly) Are you planning on stayin’ long, Frisco?

Frisco Maybe. What’s it to ya?

Mayor I’m Mayor Wright-Burke and I run things around here. The Burke family arrived on the Mayflower. Married into the Wright family and became Wright-Burkes.

Frisco That figures. Well from now on, me and my ruthless gang will be running this town.

Mayor Oh no, you won’t!

Frisco (pulls his gun) And what are you going to do about it?

Mayor Why I’ll…

Frisco…You’ll what?

Mayor I’ll go and fetch Sheriff Wyatt Twerp. He’ll sort you out, just wait an’ see. (exits)

Butch That’s a laugh. Twerp can barely see the end of his nose.

Belle Where are the rest of your gang, Frisky?

Frisco They’re outside tying up the horses.

Music cue 3: Enter Bonnie and Clyde.

Frisco (to Bonnie & Clyde) What kept ya?

Bonnie We had to tie our horses up outside town, boss.

Frisco Why?

Clyde We heard somebody mention that this was a one-horse town. Ain’t that right Bonnie?

Bonnie It sure is, Clyde.

Belle These two idiots are your ruthless gang?

Bonnie We’re wanted in fifteen states, missus.

Belle What for? Overdue library books?

Clyde How did you know that!?

Enter Mayor with Sheriff Twerp who wears thick glasses and has a pair of handcuffs attached to his wrist, with one end open.

Mayor (points to Frisco Kid) There he is sheriff! Now go and arrest him!

Sheriff Yes, Mr Mayor! (pulls his gun and bumps into Belle, poking her with it)

Belle Is that your gun sheriff, or are you just pleased to see me?

Sheriff It’s no use pretending you’re a woman, Frisco. It’ll take more than dressing up in female clothing to fool me.

Belle How dare you!

Mayor (turns Sheriff around) He’s over there, Twerp!

Sheriff Tryin’ to fool me by moving around, eh? (after much fumbling around, he finally manages to grab hold of Frisco) Okay Frisco, I’m taking you in.

Belle (aside to audience) I doubt he could take in washing.

Sheriff Make it easy on yourself and come quietly. (holds out the open handcuff)

Frisco Whatever you say, sheriff.

Mayor (to Frisco) I said the sheriff would sort you out, didn’t I?

Frisco Yes, and I’d like to shake your hand for showing me the error of my ways.

Mayor Always happy to shake the hand of a reformed man. (offers handshake. Frisco grabs his hand and quickly snaps the open handcuff on his wrist) What the…?

Sheriff (tugging at the Mayor) Let’s go, Frisco.

Mayor (high-pitched voice) But I’m not Frisco!

Sheriff An’ you can cut out the silly voice. I know it’s you. Now come along. (drags the protesting Mayor away)

Mayor I’ll get you for this, Frisco!

The Mayor is dragged off (SL) by the Sheriff and Frisco and his gang laugh.

Bonnie I fancy a drink.

Clyde Me too.

Molly What can I get you both?

Bonnie I’ll have a diet Pepsi.

Clyde And I’ll have orange Fanta.

Frisco I’m not having members of my gang, drinking pop! (to Molly) Give ‘em two whiskey’s.

Molly Yes, sir. (pours two shot-glasses of whiskey)

Bonnie But we hate alcohol, boss.

Clyde It always makes us do embarrassing stuff.

Frisco (pulls his gun) Drink up, or else!

Bon & Clyde Yes, boss!

Bonnie and Clyde pick up their drinks and down them in one.

Frisco That wasn’t so bad, now was it?

Bon & Clyde No, boss. (whiskey kicks in) Eeeeha! Music cue 4: Both perform a ridiculous Mexican hat dance)

Frisco Stop dancing, you fools! (they continue and try and involve Frisco) I said, stop! (bops them both on the head with his gun handle)

Bonnie and Clyde fall to the floor. Then slowly stand holding their heads.

Bonnie Oooh, my head.

Clyde What happened?

Frisco You idiots were dancing like cats on a hot tin roof!

Bonnie We told you alcohol makes us do daft stuff, boss.

Belle I don’t think you need alcohol to act stupid.

Molly (to Frisco) That’s five dollars for the drinks, Mr Frisco.

Frisco Put it on my tab.

Belle Sorry, but we don’t give credit.

Frisco Not even for a paying guest?

Butch Paying guest?

Frisco I’m thinking of staying here for a bit.

Belle Open him a tab, Molly! (taking Frisco by the arm) Let’s go find a room.

Frisco (removing her arm) Later, Belle. First, I have to make a bank withdrawal.

Belle You don’t have to pay up front for my services, Frisky.

Frisco That’s mighty kind of you. But I always feel naked without cash in my pocket.

Clyde The problem is, a lot of money these days is tainted.

Bonnie What do you mean?

Clyde Well it ‘taint yours and it ‘taint mine. (laughs)

Frisco (to Bonnie & Clyde) Shut up and follow me.

The Frisco gang exit.

(chants off) Down with demon drink! Down with demon drink!

Enter Ladies of the Temperance League, chanting.

Butch Can I help you ladies?

Lady 1 I’m Stella Artois, and we are the ladies of The Temperance League.

Molly Then what are you doing in a pub?

Lady 2 We’re here to save fallen men.

Belle Well save one for me.

Lady 3 Don’t you realise the problems that drink causes?

Belle The only problem I have, is selling enough of it.

Lady 4 Mark my words, alcohol will bring society to its knees.

Lady 5 And then what will you do?

Butch Lower the bar?

Belle (shoving them off) Goodbye, ladies! (to Butch) You can show me to my room now.

Butch (not keen) I think Molly ought to do that.

Belle You can’t expect a young slip of a girl to carry a big heavy bag upstairs.

Butch I didn’t realise you wanted carrying.

Belle I was referring to my luggage!

Butch (straining to lift the heavy bag) What’s in this bag?

Belle Just clothes and some toilet-water.

Butch I think you’ve left the toilet in here as well.

Belle Never mind, I’ll find it myself. (lifts bag as though light as a feather and exits SL)

Butch (to audience) She must be on steroids!

Enter Saloon Girls (USL)

Girl 1 Has the new saloon owner arrived yet?

Molly Yes girls, and it’s a woman.

Butch At least we think it is.

Girl 2 What’s she like?

Molly Well she’s already barred most of our regulars.

Butch So, we might all be out of a job soon.

Girl 3 Then why don’t we all move to New York?

Girl 4 It’s a real swell place.

Molly What’s so swell about it?

Music cue 5: Saloon Girls. After song ends…

Butch What do you think, Molly?

Molly I can’t go to New York and leave father here all alone.

Girl 1 But you haven’t seen your father in years, Molly.

Girl 2 He spends all his time prospecting for gold.

Girl 3 And there’s little prospect of him finding any.

Enter Fester at a run.

Fester Gold! I’ve struck gold! I’m rich! Rich I tell ya! (laughs manically)

Molly Father! Is that you underneath all that hair?

Fester Yes, Molly.

Molly Oh, father! (hugs him) I hardly recognised you, it’s been that long.

Fester I know Molly, an’ I’m sorry. But I’m gonna make it up to ya, now that I’m filthy rich.

Butch Let’s be honest Fester, you’ve always been filthy.

Belle enters (SL) and spots Fester and tries showing him out.

Belle Come along Worzel Gummidge! We don’t want the likes of you in here, making the place look untidy.

Molly He’s my father, Belle!

Belle Oh, bad luck dear.

Fester This place has changed since I was last in here.

Butch Which is more than can be said for you. (wafts) Phowar!

Girl 4 (to Fester) Are you like…totally rich then?

Fester Richer than old King Midas himself.

Saloon Girls crowd excitedly around Fester, fussing over him.

Belle Clear off you gold-diggers! (pushes Saloon Girls off SL and turns to Fester) Now then, handsome. Did I hear you mention something about being, rich?

Fester Yes, and I’d like to place something in your hand. I’ll just get it out fer ya. (rummages in his trouser pocket)

Butch (audience) I hope this isn’t going to get us shut down.

Fester (produces a paper) These are the deeds to my goldmine. I want you to put them where no, low-down claim-jumper, can git their greedy paws on them.

Belle No problem. (takes the deeds and tucks them down her top)

Molly Aren’t you going put them in your safe, Belle?

Butch If you ask me, they’re probably safer where they are.

Fester Do you serve food here? I’m starvin’!

Belle Would you care to come to my private quarters for a little nibble?

Fester That sounds just dandy!

SFX: Fart sound.

Fester (wafting air) Sorry ‘bout that. I’ve been eating nuthin’ but baked beans fer months.

Belle (to Molly & Butch) Bring us up a bottle of Champagne. Oh, and some air-freshener. (to Fester) This way my little goldmine. (leads him off)

Butch You fetch the bubbly Molly, and I’ll fetch the air-freshener.

Molly Okay butch.

Exit Molly and Butch opposite sides.