SCENE ONE
THE TUMBLEWEED SALOON
Actors enter and exit via saloon swing-door [SR] unless otherwise stated. A bar is [USC] and tables and chairs are situated wherever practicable. Saloon Girls perform a song and dance routine. Music cue 1: Saloon Girls. After song ends…Exit Saloon Girls [USL]
Enter Butch [SL]
BUTCH: Howdy, folks! Welcome to Dodgy City! I’m Butch Casserole, and I work here at The Tumbleweed Saloon. Dodgy City’s a mighty friendly place, and we all greet each other in a mighty friendly way. So, every time I come on and shout ‘howdy-doody, folks’! I want you all to shout back, ‘howdy-doody, Butch’! Okay? Let’s try it, shall we? [exits and re-enters] Howdy-doody, folks! [repeat until happy] The Tumbleweed Saloon’s about to get a new owner today, on account of the previous one dying from a sudden case of lead poisoning. He got shot so full of lead, you could’ve sharpened his head and used him as a pencil. The new owner’s arriving on the next stagecoach.
CHORUS 1: Let’s hope they don’t turn this place into a Weatherspoon’s.
CHORUS 2: Folks round here don’t like change.
BUTCH: I’ll try to remember that the next time you buy a drink.
Enter Molly at a run.
MOLLY: Butch! The stagecoach has just pulled up outside!
BUTCH: Let’s give the new owner a good impression, folks! So, no cussin’ or spittin’!
Enter Belle, singing.
BELLE: #Oh, give me a home, where the buffalo roam, and I’ll show you a house full of…# [sees everybody staring] What are all you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a woman before?
CHORUS 3: Yeah, but we ain’t never seen one like you afore.
BELLE: [preening] I don’t suppose you meet many women as refined as what I am.
CHORUS 4: You look about as refined as Jeremy Clarkson’s armpit.
BELLE: And you’d better smarten up for starters if you want to continue frequenting my establishment.
BUTCH: You’re the Tumbleweed’s new owner!?
BELLE: That’s right. Belle’s the name – Belle Bottoms.
CHORUS 1: Well, I’ll be hornswoggled!
BELLE: Not in here, you won’t! This is going to be a family-friendly pub!
Chorus 2 hawks and spits on the floor.
BELLE: Oi! you!
CHORUS 2: Are you talkin’ to me?
BELLE: Yes – you’re barred!
CHORUS 2: What fer?
BELLE: For spitting on the floor.
CHORUS 3: But we always spit on the floor.
CHORUS 4: What do you think the sawdust’s fer?
CHORUS 1: Next, you’ll be tellin’ us we can’t bring our horses in here no more.
BELLE: Of course, you can’t! This is a saloon, not a stable!
CHORUS 2: Well, I can see an ugly old mare in here right now.
BELLE: Where!? [looks around] I don’t see any ugly old mare.
CHORUS 3: Try lookin’ in the mirror!
Chorus laugh.
BELLE: That’s it, you’re all barred!
Exit Chorus muttering.
Music cue 2: Enter Doc Holliday.
DOC H: Where’s everybody going? You’re not closing early, are you, Molly?
MOLLY: No, Doc Holliday. [moves behind bar]
DOC H: Thank goodness; I thought I’d missed breakfast. The usual, please, Molly.
MOLLY: [places a bottle of whiskey on bar] There you go, Doc.
DOC H: [guzzles whiskey] That’s better.
BUTCH: You do realise you’ve just barred most of our customers, Belle.
BELLE: We can do without people like that.
MOLLY: But they’re the only kind of people we’ve got round here.
BELLE: And who are you two?
BUTCH: We’re your employees.
MOLLY: I’m Molly.
BUTCH: And I’m Butch.
BELLE: You hide it well, I must say.
MOLLY: You’re the third owner we’ve had this month.
BELLE: Didn’t the others like it here?
BUTCH: They liked it just fine.
BELLE: Then why didn’t they stay?
MOLLY: They did.
BELLE: And where are they now?
DOC H: In the cemetery.
BELLE: What are they doing there?
BUTCH: Not a lot, really.
BELLE: You mean they’re dead!?
DOC H: I certainly hope they were, ‘cos we buried them.
BELLE: What happened to them?
MOLLY: They got shot.
BELLE: Where?
DOC H: In the body mostly. And I should know, I’m a Doctor. [swigs bottle]
BELLE: I meant whereabouts geographically.
MOLLY: In this very saloon.
BUTCH: Friday nights can get rough in here.
BELLE: Maybe I should get a couple of big bouncers.
DOC H: [ogling her bosom] It looks to me like you already have.
Enter Mayor Burke.
MAYOR: I’ll have a sarsaparilla, please, Molly.
MOLLY: Yes, Mr Mayor. [moves behind bar]
BELLE: How do your Mayorship?
MAYOR: Who are you?
BELLE: I’m Belle Bottoms, the new owner of The Tumbleweed Saloon.
MAYOR: I sure hope you last longer than the previous owners.
BELLE: Don’t worry, I plan on being around a long time.
MAYOR: You look like you already have.
