Beauty And The Beast Version 2

SCENE ONE

THE TOWN OF EAU DE TOILETTE

Music cue 1: Chorus of Townsfolk. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]

Enter Pepe [SL]

PEPE: Allo ma British shums! Welcome to the town Of Eau De Toilette. That’s toilet-water, in English. But like most things, it sounds better in French. My name’s Pepe, and as you can probably tell by ma sexy accent, I’m French. Well, we are in France, so the odds were good. Despite Brexit, I still believe in the entente cordial. So, every time I come on and say, bonjour mon ami! I want you all to shout back. Bonjour, Pepe! Okay? Here we go then. Bonjour mon ami! Wonderful! Now, I work for Jacques Fromage who runs a cheese shop with his beautiful daughter, Belle. I fancy her like mad, but I haven’t told her how I feel about her yet. That’s because I’m saving up to take her to Paris for a romantic meal before I reveal myself to her.

Enter Belle [SR]

BELLE: Hello Pepe!

PEPE: This is Belle. [to audience] I told you she was beautiful, didn’t I?

BELLE: Who are you talking too, Pepe?

PEPE: A bunch of British tourists, over here on a booze cruise.

BELLE: [to audience] Hello there! I hope you like it here in Eau de toilette.

PEPE: What’s not to like, Belle? It looks good, smells good, and the booze is cheap as chips. And we all know how the Brits love their chips.

BELLE: [watfing] Speaking of smells. What’s that pungent pong, Pepe?

PEPE: It’s a piece of ripe Rochefort I’ve started keeping in my pocket.

BELLE: Why are you keeping smelly blue cheese in your pocket?

PEPE: To deter Mrs Bidet.

BELLE: What do you mean, Pepe?

PEPE: She fancies me like mad, and I’d have to be mad to fancy her.

BELLE: How will some stinky cheese in your pocket deter her?

PEPE: She can’t stand the smell of stinky cheese and keeps her distance.

BELLE: I think everybody will keep their distance Pepe! [wafting] Phwoar!

PEPE: It’s a small price to pay to keep Mrs Bidet away.

Enter Jacques [SL]

JACQUES: There you are Pepe. Have you done that little job I asked you to do earlier?

PEPE: Yes Mr Jacques, and she wasn’t very happy about it.

JACQUES: She!?

PEPE: Claudette, the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. Try saying that without getting your tongue in a tangle.

JACQUES: What has Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter, got to do with it?

PEPE: That’s the first time you’ve managed that without your false teeth falling out.

JACQUES: Never mind my teeth and answer the question!

PEPE: You asked me to check the old boiler was working. So, I did, and she was.

JACQUES: I meant the old water boiler!

PEPE: You should have been more specific.

JACQUES: Never mind I’ll do it myself. [exits SL]

BELLE: Can’t you get anything right, Pepe?

PEPE: I got myself a job working with the prettiest girl in France, didn’t I?

BELLE: You’re incorrigible Pepe.

PEPE: Them maybe you ought to encourage me a bit more.

BELLE: Very funny Pepe. I’m off to the library. [turns]

PEPE: Haven’t you heard, Belle?

BELLE: [turns] Heard what?

PEPE: The library’s been closed…permanently.

BELLE: Not more council cuts?

PEPE: I’m afraid so. They’ve made more cuts than Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. That doesn’t get any easier to say, even with practice.

BELLE: Then I’ll go to the second-hand bookshop instead. Bye, Pepe! [exits SR]

PEPE: I can’t wait to get Belle to gay Paree and take her up the Sorbonne.

Music cue 2: Enter Mrs Bidet [SL]

BIDET: Sit up straight and pay attention, the star of the show has arrived!

PEPE: What makes you think you’re the star, Mrs Bidet?

BIDET: That big glittery one on my dressing room door?

PEPE: You stuck that on yourself!

BIDET: I don’t believe in hiding my talent under a bush.

PEPE: You wouldn’t need a bush to hide it – a leaf would do.

BIDET: Cheek! I’m the biggest star they’ve ever had on this stage.

PEPE: [looking her over] I won’t argue with you there.

BIDET: Are you suggesting I’m fat!?

PEPE: Well, a little exercise wouldn’t go amiss.

BIDET: I exercise every morning in front of the telly. Up and down, up, and down.

PEPE: I’m sure you have very fit eyelids.

BIDET: I never see you doing any exercise?

PEPE: I’m exercise mad. Only this morning I did twenty minutes running on the spot.

BIDET: Did your braces get caught on the door handle again?

PEPE: No, they didn’t! That was last week.

BIDET: [vamps] Luckily for you, I don’t go for muscle-bound men, my little camembert.

PEPE: Don’t get all cheesy on me, Mrs Bidet. I pong of Rochefort.

BIDET: The smell of stinky cheese doesn’t bother me anymore.

PEPE: How come?

BIDET: I’ve had hypnotherapy.

PEPE: Hypno whatey?

BIDET: Therapy. It’s where they hypnotise you to get over stuff that freaks you out.

PEPE: That’s really cheesed me off.

BIDET: Do you like my outfit, Pepe? [twirls] It’s pretty, isn’t it?

PEPE: Yes. [aside] Pretty awful that is.

BIDET: I’ve been told it takes years off me.

PEPE: I still think a facelift’s your best option.

BIDET: Give over. Most woman my age look much older than me.

PEPE: Most women your age, are dead.

BIDET: You’re so cruel to me at times, Pepe.

PEPE: Not as cruel as nature has been.

BIDET: Good looks aren’t everything you know. Personality is much more important.

PEPE: That’s just a rumour put about by ugly people like you.