Beauty And The Beast Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Town Of Eau De Toilette

Music cue 1: Townsfolk. After song ends…All exit (SR)

Enter Pepe (SL)

Pepe (to audience) Hello ma British friends! Welcome to the town Of Eau De Toilette. That’s toilet-water, in English. But like most things, it sounds much better in French. My name is Pepe. And as you can probably tell by ma sexy accent, I’m French. Well we are in France, so the odds were good. Despite Brexit, I still believe in the entente cordial. Not to be confused with ze lime cordial. So, every time I come on, I will say bonjour mon ami! And I want you all to shout back. Bonjour, Pepe! Will you do that for me? (response) Here we go then. Bonjour mon ami! Wonderful! Now I work for Jacques Chirac, who runs a cheese shop with his beautiful daughter, Belle. She’s beautiful and I fancy her like mad. I haven’t told her yet, because I’m saving up to take her to Paris for a romantic meal, before I reveal myself to her.

Enter Belle (SR)

Belle Hello Pepe!

Pepe (aside to audience) This is Belle. I told you she was beautiful, didn’t I?

Belle Who are you talking too, Pepe?

Pepe A bunch of British tourists, over on a booze-cruise.

Belle (to audience) Hello there! I hope you like it here in Eau de toilette.

Pepe What’s not to like, Belle? It looks good. It smells good. And the beer is cheap as chips. And we all know how the Brits love their chips.

Belle (sniffing) Speaking of smells. What’s that pungent pong, Pepe?

Pepe It’s a piece of ripe Rochefort I always keep in my pocket.

Belle Why do you keep smelly blue cheese in your pocket?

Pepe To deter Mrs Bidet. She fancies me like mad, and I’d have to be mad to fancy her.

Belle How will having stinky cheese in your pocket keep her away?

Pepe She hates the smell of stinky cheese and keeps her distance.

Belle I think everybody will keep their distance, Mr Pepe Le Pew! (laughs and wafts)

Pepe It’s a small price to pay to keep Mrs Bidet away.

Enter Jacques Chirac (SL)

Jacques There you are Pepe. Have you done that little job I asked you to do earlier?

Pepe Yes Mr Jacques. And she wasn’t very happy about it.

Jacques She!?

Pepe Claudette, the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. (to audience) Try saying that without getting your tongue in a tangle.

Jacques What has Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter, got to do with it?

Pepe That’s the first time you’ve managed to say that without your false teeth falling out.

Jacques Never mind my false teeth and just answer the question.

Pepe You asked me to check that the old boiler was working. So I did, and she was.

Jacques I meant the old water boiler! Not Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter!

Pepe I wouldn’t push your luck with those teeth. Anyway, you should’ve been more specific.

Jacques Never mind. I’ll do it myself. (storms off SL)

Belle Can’t you get anything right, Pepe?

Pepe I got myself a job working with the prettiest girl in town, didn’t I?

Belle You’re incorrigible Pepe. I’m off to the library. (turns to exit SL)

Pepe Haven’t you heard, Belle?

Belle (turns) Heard what?

Pepe The library’s been closed, permanently.

Belle Not more council cuts?

Pepe I’m afraid so. They’ve made more cuts than Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. (to audience) That never gets any easier to say.

Belle Then I’ll go to the second-hand bookshop instead. Bye, Pepe! (exits SR)

Pepe (to audience) I can’t wait to get Belle to Paris and take her up the Sorbonne.

Music cue 2: Enter Mrs Bidet (SL) carrying a shopping-bag.

Mrs Bidet Stand by your beds! The star of the show’s arrived! (looking around) Where is everybody? The place is usually packed out on Bastille Day.

Pepe All the girls have gathered in the square, to watch Danton showing off his muscles.

Mrs Bidet And what about all the men?

Pepe They saw you coming and scarpered.

Mrs Bidet But you stayed, my little profiterole.

Pepe I don’t know what girls see in Danton. He’s pompous, vain and egocentric.

Mrs Bidet He’s also rich and handsome, with a body that would make a Love Islander jealous.

Pepe Most women prefer a man with a normal body, rather than a muscle-bound one.

Mrs Bidet That’s debatable. But a little exercise wouldn’t go amiss on you, Pepe.

Pepe I exercise every morning in front of the telly. Up and down, up and down, up and down.

Mrs Bidet I’m sure you have very fit eyelids, Pepe.

Pepe Very funny. Only this morning I did twenty-five minutes running on the spot.

Mrs Bidet Don’t tell me you got your braces got caught on the door handle again?

Pepe No! That was last week. Anyway, if you think Danton’s so great. Maybe you ought to go after him and stop pestering me.

Mrs Bidet I don’t go in for morons. I’m only interested in you, my clever little Camembert.

Pepe (pushing her away) Don’t get all cheesy on me, Mrs Bidet. I pong of Rochefort.

Mrs Bidet That doesn’t bother me anymore.

Pepe How come?

Mrs Bidet I’ve had hypno therapy.

Pepe Hypno whatey?

Mrs Bidet Therapy! It’s where they hypnotise you, to get over stuff that freaks you out. So now I can get even closer to you.

Pepe That’s really cheesed me off.

Mrs Bidet What do you think of my little outfit, Pepe? (twirls)

Pepe I wouldn’t call that thing, little.

Mrs Bidet I’ve been told it takes years off me.

Pepe I still think a facelift would be your best option.

Mrs Bidet I don’t need a facelift! You know, most woman my age look much older than me.

Pepe Most women your age, are dead.

Mrs Bidet You’re so cruel to me at times, Pepe.

Pepe Not as cruel as nature has been.

Mrs Bidet Looks aren’t everything you know. Personality is much more important.

Pepe That’s just a rumour put about by ugly people, like you.

Mrs Bidet Cheek! People say I look like the fresh-faced girl next door.

Pepe Don’t tell me there’s somebody else who looks like you, running around?

Mrs Bidet No. Pepe. I’m a one-off.

Pepe That’s still one too many, in my book.

Mrs Bidet How would you like a belt round the earhole?

Pepe That reminds me. Did you hear about the man who’s just had a pig’s ear transplant?

Mrs Bidet No. How did it go?

Pepe He can hear much better now, apart from a little crackling. (laughs)

Mrs Bidet My late husband used to like a bit of crackling. Especially the blond kind.

Pepe He was a philanderer?

Mrs Bidet No, a joiner. Beats me what women saw in him. He had a face like a squashed pizza.

Pepe Then how come you married him?

Mrs Bidet I believe in trying everything at least once. And I’d never had pizza before.

Pepe Mind you, they do say that love is blind.

Mrs Bidet If that’s true, then what’s the point of a see-through nightie?

Pepe Do you think you’ll ever remarry?

Mrs Bidet I might consider it, if the right man presented himself.

Pepe You mean, one that’s still breathing?

Mrs Bidet That’s always a good start. Perhaps you’re the right man, Pepe.

Pepe Oh no, I’m not!

Mrs Bidet Whenever I look at you, I get this lovely warm feeling.

Pepe It’s probably just incontinence.

Mrs Bidet And we’ve both got so much in common.

Pepe Like what?

Mrs Bidet You’re not married, and neither am I. You should grab me while I’m still in my prime.

Pepe Yes. Primed for the old-folks home. Whatever happened to your husband, anyway?

Mrs Bidet He died in a freak bedroom accident, which I partially blame myself for.

Pepe I’m dreading asking, but what exactly happened?

Mrs Bidet I swapped our bed for a trampoline without telling him, and he hit the roof.

Pepe Well, all marriages have their ups and downs.

Mrs Bidet (takes out a sweetie-bag and offers it) Would you like a bon-bon, Pepe?

Pepe Yes, please! I love bon-bons. (takes a sweet – sucks it then spits it out) Ugghh! It tastes horrible!

Mrs Bidet (sniffs bag) Sorry, wrong bag. Those are mothballs. (produces another bag) Here.

Pepe No thanks, I’ve gone off them. Anyway, I’d better go and check the whey. (exits)

Mrs Bidet (suggestive) Stick with me and I’ll show you the way.

Pepe I meant, whey. (spelling it out) W-H-E-Y!

Mrs Bidet My way is more fun.

Pepe I doubt it. Cheerio! (exits SL)

Mrs Bidet (to audience) He’s crazy about me really, but he’s too shy to admit it. A night with me in Gay Pairee would soon loosen his inhibitions, and then he’d cop an eye full. (laughs) Paris? Eiffel? Never mind. As you’ve probably gathered. I’m Mrs Bidet. Now whenever I come on, I’ll shout enchente! Which means nice to see you. And you all shout back enchente deux! which means nice to see you too. Let’s try it then. Enchente! (response) Marvellous! By the end of the show, you’ll all be bi-lingual. I’ve just been to the shops for some groceries. But ever since my employer Prince George was turned into a beast by a witch, it mostly consists of Pedigree Chum and Winalot. The witch’s spell also turned all his servants into items of furniture. Luckily me and my son Hugo, were out when it happened. The spell will only be lifted if some girl falls in love with him, before the last petal on some magical rose falls. Are there any girls out there who fancy marrying a beastly Prince? A hand’s gone up at the back. Sorry love, but I don’t think he’s that desperate. I’d better get back and prepare his lunch. I don’t want him in beastly mood. (laughs) Ta-ra! (exits SL)

Enter Belle (SR) carrying a book.

Belle (to audience) Hello again. I’ve just bought a book called, The Prince And The Pauper. And I can’t wait to get home and start reading it.

Enter Danton (SL)

Danton Belle! You’re just in time.

Belle Just in time for what, Danton?

Danton I’m giving a demonstration on bodybuilding shortly, and you can have a front row seat.

Belle Thanks, but no thanks, Danton.

Danton (laughs) For a moment there, I thought you said no, Belle.

Belle I did say, no.

Danton I must get my hearing checked. I thought you said no again. But that couldn’t be, because no girl has ever said no to me before.

Girls rush on screaming and surround Danton.

Girl 1 Danton! Danton!

Girl 2 He’s sooo, hunky!

Girl 3 I want to touch him!

Girls 4 I think I’m going to faint!

Danton (false modesty) Please girls. I’m blushing. But it’s true, I am totally awesome.

Belle I’m afraid I’ll have to miss your narcissistic show, Danton.

Danton I don’t know what narcissistic means, Belle. But I’m sure it must be a compliment.

Belle I’d rather go home and read my new book.

Danton (snatches book) This book’s no good, Belle. It doesn’t have any pictures.

Belle I forgot you’re still on picture books, Danton.

Danton A picture paints a thousand words, Belle.

Belle Then picture me as I walk away. (snatches book back and turns to leave)

Danton Wait Belle! The church is the other way!

Belle (turns) And how is that relevant?

Danton Because I’ve told everybody to be there today, to watch us getting married.

Belle You’re unbelievable, Danton!

Danton I knew you’d change your mind. (grabs her arm) Let’s go babe.

Belle (pulling free) I’m not your babe and I never will be.

Danton But we’re a perfect match, Belle!

Belle In what way, exactly?

Danton You’ll be great at running the home, while I concentrate on looking fabulous.

Belle Goodbye Danton. Enjoy your fantasy world. (exits SL)

Girl 1 How could any girl say no to you, Danton?

Danton Beats me. I’m practically perfect in every way. Music cue 3: Danton and Girls. After song ends…

Girl 2 Forget Belle and marry me instead, Danton.

Girls (in unison) No! Me!

Danton Sorry girls. Compared to Belle, your less attractive than a boil on Donald Trump’s bum.

Girl 3 (to others) You know what this means, don’t you girls?

Girl 4 It means we still have a chance!

Exit Girls (SL) screaming with happiness.

Danton (to audience) I’m more desirable to women than a triple-choc Magnum. Belle obviously doesn’t care for Magnum’s. So, I’ll need a devious plan if I’m going to marry her. Luckily, devious is my middle name. (exits SR laughing)

Enter Jacques (SL)

Jacques (to audience) I need a thrust valve for my old boiler, but nobody seems to have one.

Music cue 4: Enter Marcel and Marceau (SR)

Marcel (to Pepe) Did we…?

Marceau…or did we not…?

Marcel…hear you say you needed a thrust valve, my friend?

Jacques Why, yes! Do you know where I can get one?

Marcel Indeed, we do. We are Marcel and Marceau, of Thrust Valves R Us Ltd.

Jacques Thrust Valves R Us Ltd?

Marceau Very limited.

Marcel I can see you’re a man who knows his thrust valves.

Jacques Can you? How?

Marcel It’s written all over your face.

Jacques Is it? (wipes his face)

Marceau And we have the very thing for you.

Marcel The best thrust valves that money can buy. Plus, this week…

Marceau…and this week only.

Marcel We’re offering a free thrust valve spigot filter, with every purchase.

Marceau Terms and conditions apply.

Jacques That sounds unbelievable!

Marcel Believe it my friend, because that’s the kind of company we are.

Marceau A company that puts its customers first.

Marcel With just the merest hint of profit.

Marceau And our Thrust Valves are only £500 each.

Jacques (exclaims) £500!?

Marcel I can tell you’re impressed.

Jacques I’m speechless!

Marceau I’ll put you down for one.

Jacques But I can’t afford…

Marcel…to pay up front? No problem. We do an easy payments plan.

Marceau £499.99 down and the rest later.

Marcel (thrusts a paper in Jacques hand) Here is you legally binding order confirmation.

Jacques But I don’t want it!

Marceau Too late, you’ve signed for it now.

Jacques Oh no, I haven’t!

Marcel That’s your signature on the bottom, isn’t it?

Jacques (checking) It certainly looks like it. But I don’t even remember signing it!

Marceau Are you accusing us of going through your bin, to get utility bills and forging your signature?

Jacques No, but…!

Marcel…Good!

Marceau Because we definitely didn’t do that.

Marcel You can expect delivery tomorrow.

Marceau C.O.D

Jacques C.O.D?

Marceau Cash on demand.

Marcel No returns.

Marceau And don’t forget to put all that rubbish back in your bin.

MarcelAnother satisfied customer, Marceau.

Exit Marcel and Marceau (SR)

JacquesI think I’ve just been conned, but I don’t know how.

Enter Belle and Pepe (SL)

Pepe So, I said to her, give it give it a pull and see if it squeaks. (laughs)

Belle What’s the matter, father? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost!

Jacques It’s much scarier than that, Belle.

Pepe What could be scarier than a ghost?

Jacques (showing the paper) This!

Pepe £500 for a thrust valve!?

Belle You can’t afford that sort of money, father.

Jacques I know. I think I was conned, but I can’t get out of it now.

Pepe I know just how you feel. Last week I signed up to an escapology course, and now I’m struggling to get out of it.

Jacques I don’t know what I’m going to do.

Pepe I have a suggestion.

Jacques What is it, Pepe?

Pepe There’s a big cheese convention in Paris tomorrow, and buyers from all over France will be there. Why don’t you go and show them your cheesy bits?

Jacques I beg your pardon?

Belle I think he means your cheese samples, father.

Pepe That’s what I just said.

Jacques It’s worth a try. I’ll bring a gift back from Paris for you, Belle. What would you like?

Belle You really don’t have to bother, father.

Jacques But you’re my only daughter, and I like buying you gifts.

Belle Then bring me back a single red rose.

Jacques Very well, dear. (to Pepe) Look after Belle while I’m gone, Pepe.

Pepe It will be my pleasure. (aside to audience) With any luck.

Exit (Jacques SL)

Enter Danton (SR)

Danton Belle! I’m glad I caught you.

Belle What is it now, Danton?

Danton I’ve decided to settle down and start having lots of big strapping boys, just like me.

Belle And who is the lucky, mother?

Danton Why you of course, Belle.

Belle In your dreams, Danton.

Danton But how can you possibly resist me?

Belle Because you’re a vain, pompous, arrogant, overbearing misogynist?

Danton You’ve noticed all my best points then?

Belle I’d sooner marry the Hunchback of Notre Dame than you, Danton.

Pepe You heard Belle, Danton. Now leave her alone!

Danton Or else what…nerd?

Pepe My names not, Nerd. It’s Pepe!

Danton You will marry me Belle. (darkly) One way or another. (exits SR)

Pepe What a creep Danton is.

Belle It was very brave of you to stand up for me like that, Pepe.

Pepe You know me, Belle. I laugh at fear. Not that I was afeared or anything.

Belle Standing your ground even when afraid, is the bravest thing anybody can do. Now let’s go and help father with his cheese samples.

Exit Belle and Pepe (SL)