Scene One
The Town Of Eau De Toilette
Music cue 1: Townsfolk. After song ends…All exit (SR) Pepe enters (SL)
Pepe (to audience) Hello ma British chums! Welcome to the town Of Eau De Toilette. That’s ‘toilet-water’ in English. But like most things, it sounds much better in French. My name is Pepe Pompidou. And as you can probably tell by ma sexy accent, I’m French. Well we are in France, so the odds were good. Despite Brexit, I still believe in the entente cordial. Not to be confused with the lime cordial. So, every time I come on, I will say ‘bonjour mon ami!’ And I want you all to shout back. ‘Bonjour, Pepe!’ Will you do that for me? (response) Here we go then. Bonjour mon ami! (response) Wonderful! Now I work for Jacques Chirac, who runs a cheese shop with his beautiful daughter, Belle. I fancy her like mad, but I haven’t told her yet. That’s because I’m saving up to take her to Paris for a romantic meal, before I tell her how I feel.
Belle enters (SR)
Belle Hello Pepe!
Pepe (aside to audience) This is Belle. Isn’t she lovely?
Belle Who are you talking too, Pepe?
Pepe A bunch of British tourists, over here on a booze-cruise.
Belle (to audience) Hello there! I hope you all like it here In Eau de toilette.
Pepe What’s not to like, Belle? It looks good, smells good and the beer is cheap as chips. And we all know how the Brits love their chips.
Belle (sniffing) Speaking of smells. What’s that pungent pong, Pepe?
Pepe It’s a piece of ripe Rochefort that I always keep in my jacket pocket.
Belle Why do you keep smelly blue cheese in your pocket, Pepe?
Pepe To keep Mrs Bidet away. She fancies me like mad, and I’d have to be, to fancy her.
Belle How will keeping stinky cheese in your pocket keep her away?
Pepe She absolutely hates the smell and keeps her distance.
Belle Carry on like that, and everybody will keep their distance. (wafts the air)
Pepe It’s a small price to pay to keep her unwelcome attention off me.
Jacques Chirac enters (SL)
Jacques There you are Pepe. Have you done that little job I asked you to do earlier?
Pepe Yes Mr Jacques, and she wasn’t very happy about it I can tell you.
Jacques She!?
Pepe Claudette, the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. (to audience) Try saying that without getting your tongue in a tangle.
Jacques What’s Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter, got to do with it?
Pepe That’s the first time you’ve managed to say that without your false teeth falling out.
Jacques Never mind my false teeth, and just answer the question.
Pepe You asked me to check that the old boiler was working. I did, and she was.
Jacques You idiot, Pepe! I meant the old water boiler! Not Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter!
Pepe Well done, you managed it again. Anyway, I’m sorry boss. But you should’ve been more specific.
Jacques Never mind, I’ll do it myself. (storms off SL)
Belle You’re incorrigible Pepe. I’m off to the library. (turns to exit SL)
Pepe Haven’t you heard, Belle?
Belle (turns back) Heard what?
Pepe The library’s been permanently closed down.
Belle Not more council cuts?
Pepe I’m afraid so, Belle. They’ve made more cuts than Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. (to audience) It doesn’t get any easier to say that you know.
Belle In that case, I’ll go to the second-hand bookshop instead. Bye, Pepe! (exits SR)
Pepe (to audience) I can’t wait to get Belle to Paris and take her up the Sorbonne.
Music cue 2: Mrs Bidet enters (SL) carrying a small shopping-bag.
Mrs Bidet Stand by your beds! The star of the show’s arrived! (looking around) Where is everybody? The place is usually packed out on Bastille Day.
Pepe All the girls have gathered in the square, to watch Danton showing off his muscles.
Mrs Bidet And what about all the men?
Pepe They probably saw you coming and scarpered.
Mrs Bidet But you stayed behind, my little profiterole.
Pepe I don’t know what the girls see in Danton, anyway. He’s so vain and egocentric.
Mrs Bidet He’s also rich and handsome, with a body that would make Love Island men jealous.
Pepe Most women prefer a man with a slim body, rather than a muscle-bound one.
Mrs Bidet You’ll never be accused of being muscle-bound. But a little exercise wouldn’t go amiss.
Pepe I exercise every morning in front of the telly. Up and down, up and down, up and down.
Mrs Bidet I’m sure you have very fit eyelids, Pepe.
Pepe Very funny. Only this morning I did twenty-five minutes running on the spot.
Mrs Bidet Don’t tell me you got your braces got caught on the door handle again?
Pepe No, I didn’t! That was last week. Anyway, if you think Danton’s so great. Maybe you ought to go after him and stop pestering me.
Mrs Bidet I don’t go in for muscle-bound moron’s. I’m only interested in you, my little Camembert.
Pepe (pushing her away) Don’t get all cheesy on me, Mrs Bidet. I pong of Rochefort!
Mrs Bidet That doesn’t bother me anymore.
Pepe How come?
Mrs Bidet I’ve had aversion therapy.
Pepe What’s that when it’s at home?
Mrs Bidet It teaches you how to cope with things you hate. So, now I can get even closer to you.
Pepe That’s really cheesed me off.
Mrs Bidet What do you think of my little outfit, Pepe? (does a twirl)
Pepe I wouldn’t call it little.
Mrs Bidet It’s specially made for the more mature lady. Most woman my age are a lot older than me, you know.
Pepe Most women your age, are dead.
Mrs Bidet You’re so cruel to me at times, Pepe.
Pepe Not as cruel as nature has been.
Mrs Bidet Looks aren’t everything you know. Personality is much more important.
Pepe That’s just a rumour put about by ugly people, like you.
Mrs Bidet Cheek! With my fresh-faced looks, people say that I look just like the girl next door.
Pepe Don’t tell me there’s somebody else who looks like you, running around?
Mrs Bidet No. I’m a one-off, I am.
Pepe That’s still one too many, in my book.
Mrs Bidet How would you like a belt round the earhole?
Pepe That reminds me. Did you hear about the man who’s just had a pig’s ear transplant?
Mrs Bidet No. How did it go?
Pepe He can hear much better now, apart from a little crackling. (laughs)
Mrs Bidet My late husband used to like a bit of crackling. Especially the blond sort.
Pepe He was a philanderer?
Mrs Bidet No, a joiner. Beats me what women ever saw in him. He was short and fat, with a face like a squashed pizza.
Pepe Then how come you married him?
Mrs Bidet I believe in trying everything at least once, and I’d never had pizza before.
Pepe Mind you, they do say that love is blind.
Mrs Bidet If that’s true, then what’s the point of a see-through nightie?
Pepe Do you think you’ll ever remarry?
Mrs Bidet I might consider it, if the right man presented himself.
Pepe You mean, one that’s still breathing?
Mrs Bidet Well that’s always a good start. Perhaps you’re the right man, Pepe.
Pepe Oh no, I’m not!
Mrs Bidet Whenever I look at you, I get this lovely warm feeling.
Pepe It’s probably just incontinence.
Mrs Bidet And we’ve both got something in common.
Pepe Like what?
Mrs Bidet Well, you’re single and so am I. You should grab me while I’m still in my prime.
Pepe (aside) A prime example of botox overkill, more like. (pointing) What’s in the bag?
Mrs Bidet Bon-bons.
Pepe Oh, I love bon-bons. Can I have one?
Mrs Bidet Of course, you can. (takes out a paper sweetie-bag and offers it) Here you are.
Pepe (takes a sweet – sucks if for a second and spits it out) Ugghh! It tastes horrible!
Mrs Bidet (sniffs bag) Sorry, wrong bag. Those are mothballs. (produces another bag) Here.
Pepe No thanks. Once bitten, I’m twice as shy. I’d better go and check the whey. (exits)
Mrs Bidet (suggestive) Stick with me and I’ll show you the way.
Pepe I don’t mean that way.
Mrs Bidet I’m easy whichever way.
Pepe So, I’ve heard. But I meant, the cheese whey. (spelling it out) W-H-E-Y!
Mrs Bidet Oh, that whey!
Pepe Yes! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be on my way.
Mrs Bidet Which way?
Pepe (pointing SL) That way!
Mrs Bidet See you later today?
Pepe No way! (exits SL)
Mrs Bidet (to audience) He’s crazy about me really, but he’s too shy to admit it. But a night with me in Gay Pairee will soon loosen his inhibitions, and then he’ll cop an eye-full. (laughs) Paris? Eiffel? Never mind. Now, as you’ve probably already gathered. I’m Mrs Bidet and I’m a widow. I sometimes blame myself for my husband’s tragic demise. You see, I swapped our bed for a trampoline without telling him, and he hit the roof. Think about it. Now seeing as we’re in France, whenever I come on, I’ll say enchente! Which roughly translated, means nice to see you. And I want you all to shout back enchente deux! which means nice to see you too. Let’s try it then. Enchente! (response) Well done! By the end of the show, you’ll all be bi-lingual. Now I’ve just been to the shops for some groceries. But ever since my employer Prince George turned into a beast, it mostly consists of Pedigree Chum and Winalot. Apparently, a witch put a spell on him for rejecting her, and also turned all his servants into items of furniture. Luckily, me and my son Hugo, were out when it happened. The spell will only be lifted if some girl falls in love with him, before the last petal on some magical rose he keeps in the castle, falls. Are there any girls out there who fancy marrying a beastly Prince? (response) A hand’s gone up at the back. (peers out) Sorry love, but I don’t think he’s that desperate. I’d better get back and prepare his lunch. I don’t want him in beastly mood, do I? (laughs) Ta-ra! (exits SL)
Belle enters (SR) carrying a book.
Belle (to audience) Hello again. I’ve just bought a book called, The Prince And The Pauper. And I can’t wait to get home and start reading it.
Danton enters (SL)
Danton Belle! You’re just in time.
Belle Just in time for what, Danton?
Danton I’m giving a demonstration on bodybuilding shortly, and you can have a front row set.
Belle Thanks, but no thanks, Danton.
Danton (laughs) For a moment there, I thought you said no, Belle.
Belle I did say, no.
Danton I really must get my hearing checked. I thought you said no again, Belle. But that couldn’t be so, because no girl has every refused me before.
Belle Maybe that’s because you only hear what you want to hear, Danton.
Danton (cocks an ear) I think I hear something I’m used to hearing right now.
Girls rush on screaming and surround Danton.
Girl 1 Danton! Danton!
Girl 2 He’s sooo, gorgeous!
Girl 3 I want to touch him!
Girls 4 I think I’m going to faint!
Danton Girls, please! I’m blushing. But it’s true, I am totally awesome.
Belle I’m afraid I’ll have to miss your narcissistic show, Danton.
Danton I don’t know what narcissistic means, Belle. But I’m sure it must be a compliment.
Belle I’d rather go home and read my new book.
Danton (snatches book – opens it) This book’s no good, Belle. It doesn’t have any pictures!
Belle Don’t tell me you’re still on picture books, Danton.
Danton A picture paints a thousand words, Belle
Belle Then picture me now, as I walk away. (snatches the book back and turns to leave)
Danton Wait Belle! The church is the other way!
Belle (turns) And how is that relevant?
Danton Because I’ve told everybody to be there today, to watch us getting married.
Belle You really are unbelievable, Danton!
Danton I knew you’d change your mind. (grabs her arm) Let’s go babe.
Belle (pulling free) I’m not your babe, and I never will be.
Danton But we’re a perfect match, Belle!
Belle In what way, exactly?
Danton You can run the home and do all the chores, while I concentrate on looking fabulous.
Belle Goodbye Danton. Enjoy your fantasy world. (exits SL)
Girl 1 How could any girl say no to you, Danton?
Danton Beats me. I’m practically perfect in every way. Music cue 3: Danton and Girls. After song ends…
Girl 2 Forget Belle and marry me instead, Danton.
Girls (in unison) Me! Me! Me!
Danton Sorry girls. But compared to Belle, you’re all about as attractive as a boil on Donald Trump’s bum.
Girl 3 (to others) You know what this means, don’t you girls?
Girl 4 Yes! It means we still have a chance!
Girls scream and exit.
Danton (to audience) I’m more desirable to women than a triple-choc Magnum. Belle obviously doesn’t care for Magnum’s. So, I’ll need a devious plan if I’m going to marry her. Luckily, devious is my middle name. (exits SR laughing)
Jacques enters (SL)
Jacques (to audience) I need a thrust valve for my old boiler, but nobody seems to have one.
Music cue 4: Marcel and Marceau enter (SR)
Marcel (to Pepe) Did we…?
Marceau …or did we not…?
Marcel …hear you say you needed a thrust valve, my friend?
Jacques Why, yes! Do you know where I can get one?
Marcel Indeed, we do. We are Marcel and Marceau, of Thrust Valves R Us Ltd.
Jacques Thrust Valves R Us Ltd?
Marceau Extremely limited.
Marcel I can see you’re a man who knows his thrust valves.
Jacques Can you? How?
Marcel It’s written all over your face, my friend.
Jacques Is it? (wipes his face)
Marceau Yes. And we have the very thing for you.
Marcel The best thrust valves that money can buy. Plus, this week…
Marceau …and this week only.
Marcel We’re offering a free thrust valve spigot filter with every purchase.
Marceau Terms and conditions apply.
Jacques That sounds too good to be true.
Marcel Believe it my friend, because that’s the kind of company we are.
Marceau A company that puts its customers first.
Marcel With just the merest hint of profit.
Marceau And our Thrust Valves are only £500 each.
Jacques (exclaims) £500!?
Marcel I can tell you’re impressed.
Jacques I’m speechless!
Marceau I’ll put you down for one then.
Jacques But I can’t afford…
Marcel …to pay up front? No problem. We do an easy payments plan.
Marceau £499.99 down and the rest later.
Marcel (thrusts a paper in Jacques hand) Here is you legally-binding order confirmation.
Jacques But I don’t want it!
Marceau Too late, you’ve signed for it now.
Jacques Oh no, I haven’t!
Marcel That’s your signature on the bottom, isn’t it?
Jacques (checking) Yes, but I don’t remember signing it!
Marceau Are you accusing us of going through your bin, to get utility bills and forging your signature?
Jacques No, but…!
Marcel …Good!
Marceau Because we definitely didn’t do that.
Marcel Expect delivery tomorrow.
Marceau C.O.D
Jacques C.O.D?
Marceau Cash on demand.
Marcel No returns.
Marceau And don’t forget to put all that rubbish back in your bin.
Marcel Another satisfied customer, Marceau.
Marcel and Marceau exit (SR)
Jacques I think I’ve just been conned, but I don’t know how.
Belle and Pepe enter (SL)
Pepe So, I said to her, ‘give it give it a pull and see if it squeaks’. (laughs)
Belle What’s the matter, father? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost!
Jacques It’s much scarier than that, Belle.
Pepe What could be scarier than a ghost?
Jacques (showing the paper) This!
Pepe £500, for a thrust valve!?
Belle You can’t afford that sort of money, father.
Jacques I know. I think I was conned, but I can’t get out of it now.
Pepe I have a suggestion.
Jacques What is it, Pepe?
Pepe There’s a big cheese convention in Paris tomorrow, and buyers from all over France will be there. Why don’t you go and show them your cheesy bits?
Jacques I beg your pardon?
Belle I think he means your cheese samples, father.
Pepe That’s what I just said.
Jacques That’s a very good idea, Pepe. I’ll bring a gift back for you, Belle. What would you like?
Belle You really don’t have to bother, father.
Jacques But I want to, Belle. You’re my only daughter, and I like buying you gifts.
Belle Then bring me back a single red rose.
Jacques Very well, Belle. (to Pepe) Look after Belle whilst I’m gone, Pepe.
Pepe It will be my pleasure. (aside to audience) With any luck.
Jacques exits (SL) Danton enters (SR)
Danton Belle! Have I got a surprise for you.
Belle What is it now, Danton?
Danton I’ve decided to settle down and start having lots of big strapping boys, just like me.
Belle And who is the lucky mother, then?
Danton Why you are, Belle.
Belle In your dreams, Danton.
Danton But how can you possibly resist me?
Belle Because you’re a vain, pompous, arrogant, overbearing misogynist?
Danton That sounds like the perfect man to me.
Belle I’d sooner marry the Hunchback of Notre Dame than you, Danton.
Pepe You heard Belle. Now leave her alone, or else!
Danton Or else what…nerd?
Pepe (gulps hard) Or else…she’ll get really annoyed with you?
Danton One way or another Belle, you will marry me! (exits SR)
Pepe What a creep that Danton is!
Belle It was really brave of you to stand up for me like that, Pepe.
Pepe You know me, Belle. I laugh at fear. Not that I was afeared or anything.
Belle Now let’s go and help father with his cheese samples.
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