The Town Of Eau De Toilette
Music cue 1: Chorus of Townsfolk. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SR)
Enter Pepe (SL)
PEPE: (to audience) Hello ma British friends! Welcome to the town Of Eau De Toilette. That’s toilet-water, in English. But like most things, it sounds better in French. My name’s Pepe, and as you can probably tell by ma sexy accent, I’m French. Well, we are in France, so the odds were good. Despite Brexit, I still believe in the entente cordial. So, every time I come on and say, bonjour mon ami! I want you all to shout back. Bonjour, Pepe! Okay? Here we go then. Bonjour mon ami! Wonderful! Now I work for Jacques Fromage, who runs a cheese shop with his beautiful daughter, Belle. She’s lovely and I fancy her like crazy. I haven’t told her how I feel about her, because I’m saving up to take her to Paris for a romantic meal, before I reveal myself.
Enter Belle (SR)
BELLE: Hello Pepe!
PEPE: This is Belle. (to audience) I told you she was beautiful, didn’t I?
BELLE: Who are you talking too, Pepe?
PEPE: A bunch of British tourists, over here on a booze cruise.
BELLE: (to audience) Hello there! I hope you like it here in Eau de toilette.
PEPE: What’s not to like, Belle? It looks good, smells good, and the booze is cheap as chips. And we all know how the Brits love their chips.
BELLE: (sniffing) Speaking of smells. What’s that pungent pong, Pepe?
PEPE: It’s a piece of ripe Rochefort I’ve started keeping in my pocket.
BELLE: Why are you keeping smelly blue cheese in your pocket?
PEPE: To deter Mrs Bidet.
BELLE: What do you mean, Pepe?
PEPE: She fancies me like mad, and I’d have to be mad to fancy her.
BELLE: How will having stinky cheese in your pocket keep her away?
PEPE: She can’t stand the smell of stinky cheese and keeps her distance.
BELLE: I think everybody will keep their distance Pepe – phwoar! (wafts)
PEPE: It’s a small price to pay to keep Mrs Bidet away.
Enter Jacques (SL)
JACQUES: There you are Pepe. Have you done that little job I asked you to do earlier?
PEPE: Yes Mr Jacques, and she wasn’t very happy about it.
PEPE: Claudette, the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. (to audience) Try saying that without getting your tongue in a tangle.
JACQUES: What has Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter, got to do with it?
PEPE: That’s the first time you’ve managed that, without your false teeth falling out.
JACQUES: Never mind my teeth and answer the question!
PEPE: You asked me to check the old boiler was working. So I did, and she was.
JACQUES: I meant the old water boiler!
PEPE: You should’ve been more specific.
JACQUES: Never mind I’ll do it myself. (storms off SL)
BELLE: Can’t you get anything right, Pepe?
PEPE: I got myself a job working with the prettiest girl in France, didn’t I?
BELLE: You’re incorrigible Pepe.
PEPE: Them maybe you ought to encourage me a bit more.
BELLE: Very funny Pepe.
PEPE: Where are you off to, Belle?
BELLE: I’m off to the library. (turns to exit SL)
PEPE: Haven’t you heard?
BELLE: (turns) Heard what?
PEPE: The library’s been closed – permanently.
BELLE: Not more council cuts?
PEPE: I’m afraid so. They’ve made more cuts than Claudette the Cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. That doesn’t get any easier to say, even with practice.
BELLE: Then I’ll go to the second-hand bookshop instead. Bye, Pepe! (exits SR)
PEPE: (to audience) I can’t wait to get Belle to Paris and tell her how I feel.
Music cue 2: Enter Mrs Bidet (SL) carrying a handbag on her arm.
BIDET: Sit up straight! The star of the show’s arrived!
PEPE: What makes you think you’re the star, Mrs Bidet?
BIDET: That big yellow star on my dressing room door?
PEPE: You stuck that on yourself!
BIDET: I don’t believe in hiding my talent under a bush. (hoists bosom)
PEPE: It would need to be a big bush for you to hide under it.
BIDET: Are you suggesting I’m fat!?
PEPE: Well, little exercise wouldn’t go amiss.
BIDET: I exercise every morning in front of the telly. Up and down, up and down.
PEPE: I’m sure you have very fit eyelids.
BIDET: I never see you doing any exercise?
PEPE: Only this morning I did twenty minutes running on the spot.
BIDET: Got your braces get caught on the door handle, did you?
PEPE: Don’t talk daft – that was last week.
BIDET: (vamping) Luckily, I don’t go in for muscle-bound men, my little Camembert.
PEPE: Don’t get all cheesy on me, Mrs Bidet. I pong of Rochefort.
BIDET: That doesn’t bother me anymore.
PEPE: How come?
BIDET: I’ve had hypnotherapy.
PEPE: Hypno whatey?
BIDET: Therapy. It’s where they hypnotise you, to get over stuff that freaks you out. So now I can get even closer to you.
PEPE: That’s really cheesed me off.
BIDET: What do you think of my outfit, Pepe? (twirls)
PEPE: It looks – different.
BIDET: I’ve been told it takes years off me.
PEPE: I still think a facelift would be your best option.
BIDET: Most woman my age look much older than me.
PEPE: Most women your age, are dead.
BIDET: You’re so cruel to me at times, Pepe.
PEPE: Not as cruel as nature has been.
BIDET: Looks aren’t everything my little profiterole. Personality is much more important.
PEPE: That’s just a rumour put about by ugly people, like you.
BIDET: People say I look just like the girl next door.
PEPE: Don’t tell me there’s somebody else like you running around?
BIDET: No, I’m a one-off.
PEPE: That’s still one too many, in my book.
BIDET: How would you like a belt round the ear?
PEPE: That reminds me. A hard-of-hearing man has just had a pig’s ear transplant.
BIDET: How did it go?
PEPE: He can hear much better, apart from a little crackling. (laughs)
BIDET: My late husband liked a bit of crackling – especially the blond kind.
PEPE: He was a philanderer?
BIDET: No, a joiner. Beats me what girls saw in him. His face looked like a pizza.
PEPE: Then how come you married him?
BIDET: I believe in trying everything at once – and I’d never had pizza before.
PEPE: Mind you, they do say that love is blind.
BIDET: If that’s true, then what’s the point of a see-through nightie?
PEPE: Do you think you’ll ever remarry?
BIDET: If the right man presented himself.
PEPE: You mean, one that’s still breathing?
BIDET: That’s always a good start. Maybe you’re the right man.
PEPE: No, I’m not!
BIDET: Whenever I look at you, I get a lovely warm feeling.
PEPE: It’s probably incontinence.
BIDET: And we’ve both got so much in common.
PEPE: Like what?
BIDET: You’re not married, and neither am I.
PEPE: What happened to your husband, anyway?
BIDET: He died in a freak bedroom accident.
PEPE: I probably shouldn’t ask – but what happened?
BIDET: I swapped our bed for a trampoline without telling him, and he hit the roof.
PEPE: All marriages have their ups and downs.
BIDET: (takes out a sweetie-bag) Would you like a bon-bon?
PEPE: Yes, please! I love bon-bons. (sucks it then spits it out) Ugh! It tastes horrible!
BIDET: (sniffs bag) Sorry, wrong bag. Those are mothballs. (swops bag) Here.
PEPE: I think I’ll pass. Anyway, I’d better go and check the whey. (exits)
BIDET: The way to where?
PEPE: Not way, way! Whey, whey!
BIDET: Well, I’m glad you’ve cleared that up.
BIDET: Oh, you mean cheese whey!?
BIDET: (vamping) Would you like me to show you my way?
PEPE: No way! (exits SL)
BIDET: (to audience) He’s obviously a bit shy. One day I’ll take him to Gay Pairee, and then he’ll cop an eye full. (laughs) Paris? Eiffel? Never mind. Now you all seem a friendly lot, so whenever I come on, I’ll shout enchente! Which means nice to see you. And you all shout back enchente deux! which means nice to see you too. Let’s try it then. Enchente! (response) Marvellous! Anyway, I’d better be off. I have some grocery shopping to do for my employer Prince George. Although ever since he was turned into a beast by a witch, it mostly consists of Pedigree Chum and Winalot. The spell also turned his servants into items of furniture. Luckily, me and my son Hugo, were out when it happened. The spell will only be lifted if some girl falls in love with him, before the last petal on some magical rose falls. See you all later! (exits SL)
Enter Belle (SR) carrying a book.
BELLE: Hello again. I’ve just bought a book called, The Prince And The Pauper. And I can’t wait to get home and start reading it.
Enter Danton (SL)
DANTON: Belle! You’re just in time.
BELLE: Just in time for what, Danton?
DANTON: I’m giving a bodybuilding demonstration, and you can have a front row seat.
BELLE: Thanks, but no thanks.
DANTON: (laughs) For a moment there, I thought you said no.
BELLE: I did say, no.
DANTON: I must get my hearing checked. I thought you said no again. But that can’t be, because no girl has ever said no to me before.
Enter a group of Girls at a run, screaming.
GIRLS: Danton! Danton!
GIRL 1: We’ve come to watch your bodybuilding demonstration.
GIRL 2: He’s such a handsome hunk!
GIRL 3: I want to touch him!
GIRL 4: I think I’m going to faint!
DANTON: (false modesty) Girls please – I’m blushing. But it’s true, I am totally awesome.
BELLE: I think I’ll give your narcissistic show a miss, Danton.
DANTON: I don’t know what narcissistic means, but I’m sure it must be a compliment.
BELLE: I’d rather go home and read my new book.
DANTON: (snatches book) This book’s no good, Belle. It doesn’t have any pictures.
BELLE: I forgot you were still on picture books, Danton.
DANTON: A picture paints a thousand words, Belle.
BELLE: Then picture me as I walk away. (snatches book and turns to leave)
DANTON: Wait Belle! The church is the other way!
BELLE: (turns) And how is that relevant?
DANTON: I’ve told everybody to be there today, to watch us get married.
BELLE: You’re unbelievable, Danton!
DANTON: I knew you’d change your mind. (grabs her arm) Let’s go babe.
BELLE: (pulling free) I’m not your babe and I never will be.
DANTON: But we’re a perfect match, Belle!
BELLE: In what way, exactly?
DANTON: You’ll be perfect at running the home, while I concentrate on my perfect body.
BELLE: Goodbye Danton – enjoy your fantasy world. (exits SL)
GIRL 1: How could any girl say no to you, Danton?
DANTON: Beats me. I’m practically perfect in every way.
GIRL 2: Forget Belle and marry me instead, Danton.
GIRLS (in unison) No! Me!
DANTON: Sorry girls. But compared to Belle, you’re all as attractive as a boil on the bum.
GIRL 3: You know what this means, don’t you girls?
GIRL 4: Yes! It means we still have a chance!
Exit Girls (SL) excitedly.
DANTON: I won’t let Belle get away with rejecting me. Sooner or later, she will be mine!
Enter Jacques (SL)
JACQUES: I need a thrust valve for my old boiler, but no shop seems to have one.
Music cue 3: Enter Paco and Rabanne (SR)
PACO: (to Pepe) Did we…?
RABANNE: Or did we not?
PACO: Hear you say that you needed a thrust valve, my friend?
JACQUES: Why, yes! Do you know where I can get one?
PACO: Indeed, we do. We are Paco and Rabanne, of Thrust Valves R Us Ltd.
JACQUES: Thrust Valves R Us Ltd?
RABANNE: Very limited.
PACO: I can see you’re a man who knows his thrust valves.
JACQUES: Can you? How?
PACO: It’s written all over your face, my friend.
JACQUES: Is it? (wipes his face)
RABANNE: And we have the very thing for you.
PACO: The best thrust valves that money can buy. Plus, this week…
RABANNE: And this week only.
PACO: We’re offering a free thrust valve spigot filter, with every purchase.
RABANNE: Terms and conditions apply.
JACQUES: That sounds unbelievable!
PACO: Believe it my friend because that’s the kind of company we are.
RABANNE: A company that puts its customers first.
PACO: With just the merest hint of profit.
RABANNE: And our Thrust Valves are only £500 each.
JACQUES: (exclaims) £500!?
PACO: I can tell you’re impressed.
JACQUES: I’m speechless!
RABANNE: I’ll put you down for one then.
JACQUES: But I can’t afford…
PACO: To pay up front? No problem. We do an easy payments plan.
RABANNE: £499.99 down and the rest later.
PACO: (thrusts a paper in Jacques’ hand) Here is your order confirmation.
JACQUES: But I don’t want it!
RABANNE: Too late, you’ve signed for it now.
JACQUES: Oh no, I haven’t!
PACO: That’s your signature on the bottom, isn’t it?
JACQUES: (checking) Yes, it is! But I don’t even remember signing it!
RABANNE: Are you accusing us of going through your bin, to find something with your signature on it and then forging it?
JACQUES: No, but…!
PACO: That’s all right then.
RABANNE: Because we definitely didn’t do that.
PACO: You can expect delivery tomorrow.
RABANNE: Cash on delivery.
PACO: No returns.
RABANNE: And don’t forget to put all that rubbish back in your bin.
PACO: Another satisfied customer, Rabanne.
Exit Paco and Rabanne (SR) and Jacques stares open-mouthed.
Enter Belle and Pepe (SL)
BELLE: What’s the matter, father? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.
JACQUES: It’s much scarier than that, Belle.
PEPE: What could be scarier than a ghost?
JACQUES: (showing the paper) This!
PEPE: £500 for a thrust valve!?
BELLE: You can’t afford that sort of money, father.
JACQUES: I know that, Belle.
BELLE: Then why did you spend it?
JACQUES: I think I was conned, but I can’t get out of it now.
PEPE: I know how you feel. I’ve just signed up to an escapology course, and I’m struggling to get out of it.
BELLE: Why do you want to learn escapology, Pepe?
PEPE: In case I ever get locked in a room with Mrs Bidet.
JACQUES: I don’t know what I’m going to do, Belle.
PEPE: I have a suggestion.
JACQUES: What is it, Pepe?
PEPE: There’s a big cheese convention in Paris tomorrow, and buyers from all over France will be there. Why don’t you go and show them your cheesy bits?
JACQUES: I beg your pardon?
BELLE: I think he means your cheese samples, father.
PEPE: What else?
JACQUES: Good idea, Pepe. I’ll bring you back a gift, Belle. What would you like?
BELLE: You don’t have to bother, father.
JACQUES: But I want to, Belle.
BELLE: Then bring me back a single red rose.
JACQUES: Are you sure that’s all you want?
PEPE: I don’t think you can afford anything else, can you?
JACQUES: Very well, a single red rose it is. Look after Belle while I’m gone, Pepe.
PEPE: It will be my great pleasure. (aside to audience) With any luck.
Exit (Jacques SL)
Enter Danton (SR)
DANTON: Belle! I’m glad I caught you.
BELLE: What is it now, Danton?
DANTON: I’ve decided to settle down and have lots of big strapping boys, just like me.
BELLE: And who is the lucky, mother?
DANTON: Why you of course, Belle.
BELLE: In your dreams, Danton.
DANTON: But how can you possibly resist me?
BELLE: Because you’re a vain, pompous, arrogant, overbearing misogynist?
DANTON: You’ve noticed all my best points then?
BELLE: I’d sooner marry Shrek, than you.
PEPE: You heard Belle, Danton. Now leave her alone!
DANTON: Or else what – Poopy?
PEPE: My name’s not, Poopy. It’s Pepe!
DANTON: You will marry me Belle. (darkly) One way or another. (exits SR)
PEPE: What a creep that Danton is.
BELLE: It was brave of you to stand up for me, Pepe.
PEPE: You know me, Belle. I laugh at fear. Not that I was afeared or anything.
BELLE: Let’s go and help father with his cheese samples.
Exit Belle and Pepe (SL)