SCENE ONE
THE TOWN OF EAU DE TOILETTE
Music cue 1: Chorus of Townsfolk. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Pepe [SL]
PEPE: Allo, ma British shums! Welcome to the town of Eau De Toilette. That’s ‘toilet-water’, in English. But like most things, it sounds better in French. My name’s Pepe, and as you can probably tell by ma sexy accent, I’m French. Well, we are in France, so the odds were good. Now, despite Brexit, I still believe in the entente cordial. So, whenever I come on and say, ‘bonjour mon ami’! I want you all to shout back. ‘Bonjour, Pepe’! Okay? Here we go. Bonjour mon ami! Bon! I work for Jacques Fromage, who runs a cheese shop, along with his beautiful daughter, Belle. I fancy her like mad, but I haven’t told her how I feel about her yet. That’s because I’m saving up to take her to Paris for a romantic meal before I reveal myself to her.
Enter Belle [SR]
BELLE: Hello, Pepe!
PEPE: [to audience] This is Belle; I told you she was beautiful, didn’t I?
BELLE: Who are you talking to, Pepe?
PEPE: A bunch of British tourists over here on a booze cruise.
BELLE: [to audience] Hello, there! I hope you all like it here in Eau de toilette.
PEPE: What’s not to like, Belle? It looks good, smells good, and the booze is cheap as chips. And we all know how the Brits love their chips.
BELLE: [wafting] Speaking of smells, what’s that pungent pong, Pepe?
PEPE: It’s a piece of ripe Rochefort I’ve started keeping in my pocket.
BELLE: Why are you keeping smelly blue cheese in your pocket, Pepe?
PEPE: To deter Mrs Bidet.
BELLE: What do you mean?
PEPE: She fancies me like mad, and I’d have to be mad to fancy her.
BELLE: How will keeping stinky cheese in your pocket deter her?
PEPE: She can’t stand the smell of stinky cheese and is sure to keep her distance.
BELLE: I think everybody will keep their distance, Pepe. [wafting] Phwoar!
PEPE: It’s a small price to pay to keep Mrs Bidet away.
Enter Jacques [SL]
JACQUES: There you are, Pepe. Have you done that little job I asked you to do earlier?
PEPE: Yes, Mr Jacques, and she wasn’t happy about it.
JACQUES: She!?
PEPE: Claudette, the cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. Try saying that without getting your tongue in a tangle.
JACQUES: What’s Claudette, the cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter, got to do with it?
PEPE: Well done, Boss, you managed it without your false teeth falling out this time.
JACQUES: Never mind my teeth and answer the question!
PEPE: You asked me to check the old boiler was working, so I did, and she was.
JACQUES: I meant the old water boiler!
PEPE: You should’ve been more specific.
JACQUES: Never mind, I’ll do it myself. [exits SL]
BELLE: Can’t you get anything right, Pepe?
PEPE: I got myself a job working with the prettiest girl in France, didn’t I?
BELLE: You’re incorrigible, Pepe.
PEPE: Then maybe you ought to encourage me a bit more, Belle.
BELLE: Very funny, Pepe. I’m just off to the library. [turns]
PEPE: Haven’t you heard, Belle?
BELLE: [turns] Heard what?
PEPE: The library’s been closed – permanently.
BELLE: Not more council cuts!
PEPE: I’m afraid so. They’ve made more cuts than Claudette, the cranky Corsican cheese curd cutter. That doesn’t get any easier to say, even with practice.
BELLE: Then I’ll go to the second-hand bookshop instead. Bye, Pepe! [exits SR]
PEPE: I can’t wait to get Belle to gay Paree and take her up the Sorbonne.
Music cue 2: Enter Mrs Bidet [SL]
BIDET: Sit up straight and pay attention; the star of the show has arrived!
PEPE: What makes you think you’re the star, Mrs Bidet?
BIDET: That big sparkly one on my dressing room door?
PEPE: You stuck that on yourself!
BIDET: I don’t believe in hiding my talent under a bush.
PEPE: You don’t need a bush to hide it; a single leaf would suffice.
BIDET: Cheek! I’m the biggest star that’s ever trodden this stage!
PEPE: [looking her over] I won’t argue with you there.
BIDET: Are you suggesting I’m fat!?
PEPE: Well, a little exercise wouldn’t go amiss.
BIDET: I exercise every morning in front of the telly. Up and down. Up and down.
PEPE: I’m sure you have very fit eyelids.
BIDET: I never see you doing any exercises.
PEPE: I’m exercise mad! Only this morning I did twenty minutes running on the spot.
BIDET: Don’t tell me your braces got caught on the door handle, again.
PEPE: No, they didn’t!
BIDET: Luckily for you I don’t go for muscle-bound men, my little camembert.
PEPE: Don’t get all cheesy on me, Mrs Bidet, I pong of Rochefort.
BIDET: The smell of stinky cheese doesn’t bother me anymore.
PEPE: How come?
BIDET: I’ve had hypnotherapy.
PEPE: Hippo whatery?
BIDET: Therapy! It’s when they hypnotise you to get over stuff that freaks you out.
PEPE: That’s really cheesed me off.
BIDET: Do you like my outfit, Pepe? [twirls] It’s pretty, isn’t it?
PEPE: Yes. [aside] Pretty awful, that is.
BIDET: I’ve been told it takes years off me.
PEPE: I still think a facelift’s your best option.
BIDET: Cheek! Most women my age look much older than me.
PEPE: Most women your age are dead.
BIDET: You’re so cruel to me, Pepe.
PEPE: Not as cruel as nature has been.
