Scene One
The Village Of Piddle In The Field
Music cue 1: Villagers. After song ends…
Enter Bugsy (SR)
Bugsy Hello boys and girls! My name’s Bugsy and I’m a Teaching Assistant.
Villager 1 Shouldn’t you be at school by now, Bugsy?
Bugsy I’m just on my way there now.
Villager 2 How come you’re always late for school, Bugsy?
Bugsy It’s because I have trouble hearing the alarm clock.
Villager 3 How come you have trouble hearing the alarm clock?
Bugsy Because I’m always fast asleep when it goes off.
Villager 4 You won’t have any problem hearing Nellie Nettles when she bawls you out, Bugsy.
Exit Villagers (SR) laughing.
Bugsy I’m a bit sad today boys and girls, because I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend. (elicit sympathy) It’s sadder than that! We’d been together five years, and yesterday she said she wanted to get married. The only problem is, she wants to marry somebody else. Will you help cheer me up? Whenever I come on, I’ll shout hiya boys and girls! And you all shout back, hugsy Bugsy! Will you do that? Let’s have practice then. (exits and re-enters) Gimmie some love! (response) Marvellous! I feel better already. But I probably won’t when Nellie Nettles turns up. Her name suits her, because she has a face that looks like she’s just been licking nettles.
Enter Nellie (SL)
Nellie Bugsy!
Bugsy (turns) Miss Nettles! I was just talking about you.
Nellie Oh, yes?
Bugsy I was just telling all the boys and girls, what a nice kind-hearted person you are. (to audience) Wasn’t I? (response) See?
Nellie Flattery won’t help you now, Bugsy. Why are you late for school again?
Bugsy Sorry Nellie. I thought it was half term.
Nellie Which proves that you only have half a brain!
Bugsy How come you aren’t at school, Nellie?
Nellie I’ve just been and the whole place was empty.
Bugsy Maybe it really is half term.
Nellie Don’t talk daft! The little monsters are all wagging it!
Bugsy Perhaps their parents kept them off, because you refused to teach them sex education.
Nellie I found it too embarrassing.
Bugsy For you or the kids?
Nellie Me! I’ve never even heard of some of the stuff they come out with.
Bugsy That’ll because you’re a member of the older generation.
Nellie Rubbish! I’m still a fresh-faced young woman. And it’s all down to…
Bugsy…Botox!
Nellie No! Hard work and good clean living!
Bugsy (to audience) I do all the hard work and she does all the good living.
Nellie Plus, I allow myself a visit to the beauty parlour once a week. I was booked in today, but they had to cancel due to technical problems.
Bugsy Don’t tell me the cement mixer’s broken down again? (laughs)
Nellie One off these days you’ll push me too far, Bugsy!
Bugsy (to audience) I’d need a bulldozer to push her.
Nellie Right, that’s it! (hands him a note) Take this and put it in the…(local paper)
Bugsy What is it?
Nellie It’s an ad for a new teaching assistant.
Bugsy You’re giving me the sack!?
Nellie Full marks Bugsy!
Bugsy Can’t you take a joke, Nellie?
Nellie Take it! I’ve employed it for the past two years, and now it’s somebody else’s turn.
Bugsy I suppose I’d better be off then. (starts trudging off SL eliciting audience sympathy)
Nellie And you can forget playing for sympathy. This isn’t a Jack and the Beanstalk panto.
Bugsy (to audience) No, but it still has an old cow in it. (exits SL)
Nellie Hopefully my next TA won’t be so cheeky.
Enter Marion and Robin (SR)
Marion (cheerily) Hello, Nellie!
Nellie (to audience) This is Lady Marion. Isn’t she lovely?
Marion I’ve just seen Bugsy and he seemed a bit upset. Has something bad happened?
Nellie Not for me. I’ve just sacked him.
Marion But Bugsy’s been with you forever, Nellie.
Nellie Two years, Marion. It just seems like it’s been forever.
Marion But where will you find another TA, willing to work for nothing?
Nellie Bugsy didn’t work for nothing. He got paid in kind.
Marion What kind? On second thoughts, I don’t think I want to know.
Nellie His board and lodgings, what else?
Marion How come you didn’t pay him in money?
Nellie I can’t afford it, due to cuts. I’ve even had to recycle the kid’s exercise books.
Marion How can you recycle exercise books?
Nellie By hanging them in the loo.
Marion That can’t be very nice for the children.
Nellie I must admit, they’re having it rough. (to audience) Think about it.
Marion But your new assistant might want paying in money.
Nellie Good point. I’ll tell Bugsy he can have his old job back. (indicates Robin who is adjusting his tights) Who’s your friend in the green tights, Marion?
Marion This is my new boyfriend, Nellie.
Nellie (takes her aside) He might be a friend Marion. But are you sure he’s a boy?
Marion As sure as you’re a woman.
Nellie Oh, don’t confuse things even more.
Nellie (to Robin) And what’s your name, young man?
Robin I’m Robin Hood! (slaps his thigh)
Nellie Doesn’t that sting?
Robin Not really. I’m used to it.
Nellie And what do you do for a living, Robin?
Robin I rob people.
Nellie So, you’re the chancellor of the exchequer?
Robin No, I only rob from the rich.
Nellie Business must be a bit thin around here then.
Robin I love Marion terribly.
Nellie Maybe you ought to try a bit harder, then.
Marion And I love Robin with all my heart.
Nellie Well make sure that’s all it’s with. (to audience) I’m sorry kids, but this is the part where they sing the soppy song. I’m off to round up my pupils. Bye! (exits SR)
Music cue 2: Robin and Marion. After song ends…
Enter Merry Men (SL)
Robin Greetings, men!
Alan-a-dale What happened to you, Robin?
Robin What do you mean, Alan?
Will Scarlet You didn’t show up for our meeting in Sherwood Forest this morning.
Robin I thought that was tomorrow, Will.
Little John We were supposed to be discussing our plan to rob Prince John, when he visits Nottingham late today.
Robin Sorry, Little John. I’ve had a lot on my mind recently.
Friar Tuck (looking at Marion) And I think we all know what that is.
Marion I’ll leave you to sort things out, Robin. Bye! (exits SR)
Alan-a-dale Marion’s a nice girl, Robin. But we mustn’t get side-tracked from our duty.
Robin Nothing will sway me from our noble task, of robbing the rich to help the poor. Now let us away to our hideout and make plans. (leads them all off SR)
Enter Sheriff (SL)
Sheriff (turns and calls) Hurry up David and stop dribbling!
Music cue 3: Enter David (SL) wearing a football strip and dribbling a football.
Sheriff I thought I told you to leave your football at home, son.
David I must practise my ball skills, dad. If I want to be a professional footballer.
Sheriff You’ll never make a living from football, son. Now give me the ball.
David The manager said I mustn’t give the ball away, dad. If you want it, you’ll have to tackle me for it. (dribbles the ball around stage)
Sheriff (tries tackling him) Give it here you little…(kicks David on the shin)
David (goes down and rolls about stage, theatrically) Foul, ref!
Sheriff I never touched you?
David (stands) Free kick, dad! (places the ball)
Sheriff Righto. (kicks him on the shin again)
David Owah! (holding his shin) No dad, it’s my free kick!
Sheriff If you think you’re taking a free kick at me, you’ve got another think coming. (kicks ball into wing) Now you know what we’re here for, don’t you?
David Yes, dad. We’re here to collect taxis for Prince John.
Sheriff No David. It’s taxes, not taxis.
David (dimly) Ooooh…right.
Sheriff I sometimes find it hard to believe, that I was blessed with a son as intelligent as you.
David Is that why you made me have that DNA test, dad?
Sheriff Yes, and it proved that you are indeed the fruit of my loins.
David But I thought loins were big fierce animals, dad.
Sheriff No, David. That’s lions.
David So, what are loins then?
Sheriff I’ll tell you when you’re grown up.
David But I am growed up dad.
Sheriff Only from the neck down, son. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather stay at home, and watch the Tweenies, David? (or current kiddie’s programme)
David No, dad. It’s take your child to work day, and I’ve always fancied seeing you Sheriffing.
Enter Victoria (SL)
Victoria Hello David.
David Hi, babe. This is my girlfriend Victoria, dad. She’s a wag.
Sheriff What on earth do you see in my son, Victoria?
Victoria You mean, apart from the fact that he’s going to be a pro footballer and earn squillions?
David I’ve decided to pack football in, babe.
Victoria But why David?
David There isn’t any Premier League yet, and I think dad has fractured my leg.
Sheriff Do you know where my henchmen are, son?
David Yes, dad.
Sheriff Where?
David In France, silly.
Sheriff Never mind. I’ll find them myself. (exits SR)
Victoria Do you fancy a bit of cannoodling, David?
David I can’t babe.
Victoria Why not dearest?
David I don’t have a canoe.
Victoria Then let’s sit on this bench. You can hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear.
David All right, babe. (they sit and cuddle and he whispers in her ear)
Victoria Why do you keep repeating the words sweet nothings, over and over, David?
David I thought you wanted me to.
Victoria No, David. I meant, whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.
David (stage whisper) Marshmallow!
Victoria We can’t go on like this, David. I want to know your intentions.
David I intention to make you the happiest girl in the world, babe.
Victoria (snuggling up to him) Then just name the day, lover.
David Today’s…(current day)
Victoria No, dearest! I meant, our wedding day.
David We can’t afford to get married yet, babe.
Victoria But I yearn for you David.
David I know, but we both need to be earning to afford a mortgage.
Victoria I sometimes wonder if you really do love me, David.
David ‘Course I do babe. I’ve even wrote a poem for you.
Victoria Oh David, you’re so romantic!
David I know, but I’m taking inhalers for it.
Victoria Let me hear it then. (he wheezes noisily) Not your Asthma David, your poem!
David Oh, right. Here goes then.
F is for the feelings I have for you
L is for the love that will see us through
O is for the ordinary way that we live
R is for the roses, to you I will give
A is for adorable ‘cos that’s what you are
Put them all together and it spells…FLORA.
Victoria But my name’s, Victoria!
David I couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with, Victoria.
Victoria Oh David, you really do love me. Music cue 4: David and Victoria. After song ends…They exit (SR) holding hands and looking longingly at each other.
Enter Nellie (SR)
Nellie I couldn’t find those little truants anywhere. Not even in the pubs. Hic!
Enter Sheriff with Riff and Raff (SL)
Sheriff Nellie Nettles! I’m glad I’ve bumped into you.
Nellie What do you want, now?
Sheriff You know what I want.
Nellie I know what you’ll get.
Sheriff And what’s that?
Nellie Nothing! That’s what.
Sheriff In that case, I have something for you.
Nellie What?
Sheriff These! (pushes Riff & Raff forward) You know what to do.
Riff & Raff Yes, boss. (they approach Nellie)
Riff You know what we want?
Nellie I know what you need.
Raff What’s that then?
Nellie Something between your ears.
Riff Hand over your taxes, or else!
Nellie How much do you want?
Raff How much have you got?
Nellie Zilch.
Riff Haven’t you anything smaller?
Nellie How about, sod all?
Raff Are you saying you haven’t any money?
Nellie That’s right. I’m skint.
Riff Rubbish! We know for a fact that you get paid on a…(current day)
Nellie I did. But then I spent it all on a sawn-off shotgun. Would you like to see it?
Riff & Raff (terrified) No thanks! (they run back to the Sheriff)
Sheriff Did you get her money?
Riff No, Sheriff.
Sheriff And did you threaten her?
Raff Yes, but she threatened us more.
Sheriff (pushing them aside) Imbeciles! I’ll get it myself. (to Nellie) You know what I want, what I really, really want?
Nellie Well tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Sheriff I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.
Nellie Well tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Riff & Raff (sing) #I really, really, really wanna ziga-zig, aaahh!#
Nellie (vamping Sheriff) #If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends#
Sheriff (snaps) Stop it, you silly old fool! (to Riff & Raff) And that also goes for you two, idiots!
Nellie Did I mention that I’m auditioning for X-factor?
Sheriff Your singing ought to be X-rated.NellieNonsense! I’ve often been told that I have the voice of an angel.
Sheriff Well it’s certainly no delight. (laughs) Angel Delight!? I made a joke there.
Nellie No, you didn’t Sheriff. Trust me.
Enter Bugsy (SL) followed by Children.
Children Please don’t leave us, Bugsy!
Nellie What’s going on here?
Bugsy I’ve just informed the kids that I’ve been sacked.
Nellie Well as of now, you’re un-sacked.
Bugsy You mean, I’ve got my old job back?
Nellie Yes.
Children (cheer) Hooray!
Nellie Such loyalty. Think how upset they’d be, if I ever said I was leaving.
Children (cheer) Hooray!
Nellie (snaps) Right! That’s just got you all detention! (to audience) Ungrateful kids.
Bugsy I’ll come back on one condition, Nellie.
Nellie Which is?
Bugsy This time I want paying in money.
Nellie I’ll pay you ten pounds a week.
Bugsy I’m not working for ten pounds a week!
Nellie Okay, I’ll double it and pay you ten pounds a fortnight.
Bugsy That’s more like it.
Nellie Now, march all those little truants straight back to school.
Bugsy Yes, Nellie. (to Children) Come along kids. (leads Children off SL)
Sheriff Are all those kids yours, Nellie?
Nellie Yes, they are.
Raff Didn’t you have a telly in your house?
Nellie We made our own entertainment back then.
Sheriff No prizes for guessing what that was.
Nellie No! I teach them in school.
Riff That’s usually the best place.
Nellie I bet you two never went to school.
Raff Well that’s where you’re wrong, see? Mum sent us straight to school every day.
Riff And every day we went straight past it to the park.
Nellie Didn’t learn anything, as children?
Raff We learned how to wag it.
Riff Then we started going to school at night.
Nellie You mean, you went to night school?
Raff No, we went to school at night.
Nellie And what did you learn there?
Riff We learned how to strip the lead off the roof.
Sheriff Listen, Nellie. Pay your taxes in full, or I’ll shut down your school.
Nellie I can’t afford to pay. I’m flat bust.
Raff (ogling her bosom) Oh, I wouldn’t say that.
Sheriff You must be loaded. Last week you said you had an outfit, for every day of the year.
Nellie Yes, and I’m wearing it.
Sheriff Stop shilly-shallying and pay up by tomorrow, or I shall be forced to take steps.
Nellie Well don’t take the tall ones. I need those to reach the books on the top shelf.
Sheriff (to Riff & Raff) Let’s go. (leads them all off SL)
Nellie The old misery-guts. (to audience) I bet you’d hate it if your school was shut down, wouldn’t you boys and girls? (response) I’ll take that as a, yes. Oh, well. I suppose I’d better get to school, while I still have one. See you all later! (exits SR)
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