Babes In The Wood

Scene One

The Village Of Piddle In The Field

Chorus are onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Bugsy bounding on (SR)

BUGSY: Hello boys and girls! I’m Bugsy and I’m a Teaching Assistant.

CHORUS 1: Shouldn’t you be at school, Bugsy?

BUGSY: I’m just on my way there now.

CHORUS 2: Why are you always late, Bugsy?

BUGSY: It’s because I have trouble hearing the alarm clock.

CHORUS 3: How come?

BUGSY: I’m always fast asleep when it goes off.

CHORUS 4: You won’t have a problem hearing Miss Nettles when she bawls you out

Exit Chorus (SR) laughing.

BUGSY: I’m a bit sad today boys and girls. (elicit sympathy) I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend and I need a hug to cheer me up. So whenever I come on and shout hiya boys and girls! Will you all shout back, hugsy Bugsy! Let’s have a practice. Hiya boys and girls! Thanks, I feel better already.

Enter Nellie Nettles (SL)

NELLIE: Bugsy!

BUGSY: Miss Nettles!

NELLIE: Why are you late for school again?

BUGSY: I thought it was half term.

NELLIE: Which proves you only have half a brain!

BUGSY: Don’t have a go Nellie. I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend, and she’s taken out an anti-stalking order against me.

NELLIE: I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Bugsy!

BUGSY: She wasn’t technically my girlfriend – I hadn’t actually asked her out. Anyway, how come you aren’t at school, Nellie?

NELLIE: I’ve just been, and none of the kids turned up.

BUGSY: Maybe it is half term after all.

NELLIE: Don’t talk daft! The little monsters are wagging it!

BUGSY: Maybe their parents kept them off because you cancelled sex education.

NELLIE: I found it too embarrassing.

BUGSY: For you or the kids?

NELLIE: Me! Some of the stuff they ask, I’ve never even heard of!

BUGSY: That’s because you’re a member of the older generation.

NELLIE: Rubbish! I’m still a young fresh-faced woman.

BUGSY: (laughs) Fresh-faced!?

NELLIE: Yes, and it’s all down to…

BUGSY: Botox!

NELLIE: No! Hard work and good clean living!

BUGSY: (to audience) I do the hard work and she does the good living.

NELLIE: Plus, I allow myself a visit to the beauty parlour once a week. I was booked in today, but they had to cancel due to technical problems.

BUGSY: Don’t tell me the cement mixer has broken down again?

NELLIE: One off these days you’ll push me too far, Bugsy!

BUGSY: (to audience) I’d need a bulldozer to push her.

NELLIE: That’s it! (hands him a note) Here, take this and put it in the…(local paper)

BUGSY: What is it?

NELLIE: It’s an ad for a new teaching assistant.

BUGSY: You’re sacking me!?

NELLIE: Full marks Bugsy!

BUGSY: Can’t you take a joke, Nellie?

NELLIE: Take it!? I’ve employed it for two years, and now it’s somebody else’s turn.

BUGSY: I’d better go then. (starts trudging off eliciting audience sympathy)

NELLIE: Stop playing for sympathy – this isn’t Jack and the Beanstalk, you know.

BUGSY: No, but it still has an old cow in it. (exits SL)

NELLIE: Hopefully, my next TA won’t be so cheeky.

Enter Marion (SR)

MARION: Hello, Nellie!

NELLIE: (to audience) This is Lady Marion – isn’t she lovely?

MARION: I’ve just seen Bugsy and he seemed really upset.

NELLIE: That’s because I’ve just sacked him.

MARION: But Bugsy’s been with you forever, Nellie.

NELLIE: Two years, Marion. It just seems like it’s been forever.

MARION: But where will you find another TA willing to work for nothing?

NELLIE: Bugsy didn’t work for nothing – he got paid in kind.

MARION: What kind?

NELLIE: (to audience) Steady on now! (to Marion) He got free board and lodgings.

MARION: How come you didn’t pay him any money?

NELLIE: I can’t afford it, due to government cuts.

MARION: What have they cut now?

NELLIE: Everything. I’ve even had to recycle the kid’s exercise books.

MARION: How can you recycle exercise books?

NELLIE: By cutting them into squares and hanging them in the loo. (to audience) Who remembers that? Didn’t you just hate it when you got to the glossy mags?

MARION: That can’t be very nice for the children.

NELLIE: They’ll have to learn to take the rough with the smooth. (to audience) Think about it.

MARION: But your new assistant might want paid in money.

NELLIE: Good point. I’ll tell Bugsy he can have his old job back.

Music cue 2: Enter Robin (SL)

ROBIN: Hello Marion.

MARION: Hello Robin!

ROBIN: Who’s this, Marion?

MARION: This is my new boyfriend – Robin Hood.

NELLIE: A boyfriend who wears green tights?

ROBIN: I find them comfortable for swinging.

NELLIE: Which way?

ROBIN: Anyway I chose.

NELLIE: He seems a very confused young man, Marion.

MARION: Robin isn’t confused, but I think you might be.

NELLIE: And what do you do for a living, Robin?

ROBIN: I rob people.

NELLIE: So, you’re the chancellor of the exchequer?

MARION: No, me and my men take from the rich and give it to the poor.

NELLIE: Now there’s a novel idea. Are you listening…(current chancellor)…?

ROBIN: Our aim is to bring down Prince John and the Sheriff, and free the people from tyranny! (slaps thigh)

NELLIE: Doesn’t that smart?

ROBIN: Not really, I’m used to it.

NELLIE: And what are your intentions towards Marion?

ROBIN: I love Marion terribly.

NELLIE: They do say that practice makes perfect.

MARION: And I love Robin with all my heart.

NELLIE: Make sure that’s all it’s with. (to audience) I’m sorry kids, but this is where they sing the soppy song. I’m off to round up my pupils. Bye! (exits SR)

Music cue 3: Robin and Marion. After song ends…

Enter Merry Men (SL)

ROBIN: Greetings, men!

ALAN: What happened to you, Robin?

ROBIN: What do you mean, Alan?

WILL: You didn’t show up for our meeting in Sherwood Forest this morning.

ROBIN: I thought that was tomorrow, Will.

L. JOHN: It’s not like you to forget our meetings, Robin.

ROBIN: I’ve had a lot on my mind recently, Little John.

TUCK: (looking at Marion) And I think we can all guess what that is.

MARION: I’ll be off now, Robin. See you later – bye! (exits SR)

ROBIN: (waves) Bye Marion!

ALAN: Marion’s a nice girl Robin, but you mustn’t get side-tracked.

ROBIN: Nothing will sway me from our noble task, Alan. Now let us away to our hideout and make plans.

Exit Robin and Merry Men (SR)

Music cue 4: Enter Sheriff (SL)

SHERIFF: (turns and calls) Come along David and stop dribbling!

Music cue 5: Enter David (SL) dribbling a football.

DAVID: (sings to MOTD theme) Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da…

SHERIFF: I thought I told you to leave your football at home, son.

DAVID: I must practise my ball skills, if I want to be a professional footballer, dad.

SHERIFF: You’ll never make a living from football, son. Now give me the ball.

DAVID: Sorry dad, but the manager said I mustn’t give the ball away.

SHERIFF: Give me the ball now!

DAVID: If you want it, you’ll have to tackle me.

SHERIFF: Fair enough. (kicks David on the shin)

DAVID: (goes down and rolls about stage) Foul, ref!

SHERIFF: I never touched you?

DAVID: (stands) Free kick to me, dad!

SHERIFF: If you think you’re taking a free kick at me, you’ve got another think coming. (kicks ball into wing) Now you know what we’re here for, don’t you?

DAVID: Yes, dad. We’re here to collect taxis for Prince John.

SHERIFF: No David, it’s taxes, not taxis.

DAVID: (dimly) Ooooh – right.

SHERIFF: I find it hard to believe, that I was blessed with a son as intelligent as you.

DAVID: Is that why you made me have that DNA test last week?

SHERIFF: Yes, and it proved beyond doubt that you are indeed the fruit of my loins.

DAVID: I thought loins were big fierce animals, dad.

SHERIFF: No David, that’s lions.

DAVID: What are loins, then?

SHERIFF: I’ll tell you when you’ve grown up.

DAVID: But I am growed up dad.

SHERIFF: Only from the neck down, son. Are you sure you wouldn’t rather stay at home, and watch the Tweenies? (or current kiddie’s programme)

DAVID: No, dad. I find it a bit too scary

Music cue 6: Enter Victoria (SL)

VICTORIA: Hello David.

DAVID: Hiya, babe! This is my girlfriend Victoria – she’s a wag.

SHERIFF: What on earth do you see in my son, Victoria?

VICTORIA: You mean apart from the fact he’s going to be a footballer and earn squillions?

DAVID: I’ve decided to pack football in, babe.

VICTORIA: But why David?

DAVID: The Premier League hasn’t been invented yet.

SHERIFF: Do you know where the henchmen are, son?

DAVID: Yes, dad.

SHERIFF: Where?

DAVID: In France, silly.

SHERIFF: Never mind I’ll find them myself. (exits SR)

VICTORIA: Let’s sit and cannoodle, David.

DAVID: I can’t babe.

VICTORIA: Why not dearest?

DAVID: I’ve never canned noodles before.

VICTORIA: Let’s sit on this bench, and you can whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

DAVID: Okay, babe.

They sit, and he whispers in her ear.

VICTORIA: Why do you keep repeating sweet nothings, over and over, David?

DAVID: I thought you wanted me too.

VICTORIA: No, David. I want you to whisper something soft and sweet in my ear.

DAVID: (stage whisper) Marshmallow!

VICTORIA: We can’t go on like this, David. I want to know your intentions.

DAVID: I intention to make you the happiest girl in the world, babe.

VICTORIA: (snuggling up to him) Then just name the day, lover.

DAVID: Today’s…(current day)

VICTORIA: No, David! I meant, our wedding day.

DAVID: We can’t afford to get married yet babe.

VICTORIA: But I yearn for you David.

DAVID: Yes, but we both need to be earning to afford a mortgage.

VICTORIA: I sometimes wonder if you really love me David.

DAVID: ’Course I do babe. I’ve even written a poem for you.

VICTORIA: Oh David, you’re so romantic!

DAVID: I know, but I’m taking inhalers for it.

VICTORIA: Let me hear it then. (wheezes noisily) Not your Asthma David, your poem!

DAVID: Here goes then.

F is for the feelings I have for you

L is for the love that will see us through

O is for the ordinary way that we live

R is for the roses, to you I will give

A is for adorable ‘cos that’s what you are

Put them all together and it spells – FLORA.

VICTORIA: But my name’s, Victoria!

DAVID: I couldn’t think of anything to rhyme with, Victoria.

VICTORIA: Oh, David! (stands) I’m going home! (exits at a run SR)

DAVID: Wait for me, babe! (exits SR)

Music cue 7: Enter Nellie (SR) slightly tipsy.

NELLIE: I couldn’t find my pupils, even after searching all the usual pubs – hic!

Enter Sheriff with Riff and Raff (SL)

SHERIFF: Nellie Nettles! I’m glad I’ve bumped into you.

NELLIE: What do you want, Sheriff?

SHERIFF: You know what I want.

NELLIE: I know what you’ll get.

SHERIFF: And what’s that?

NELLIE: Nothing, that’s what!

SHERIFF: In that case I have something for you.

NELLIE: What?

SHERIFF: These! (to Riff & Raff) You know what to do.

RIFF & RAFF: Yes, boss. (they approach Nellie)

RIFF: You know what we want?

NELLIE: I know what you need.

RAFF: What’s that then?

NELLIE: Something between your ears.

RIFF: Hand over your taxes, or else!

NELLIE: How much do you want?

RAFF: How much have you got?

NELLIE: Zilch.

RIFF: Haven’t you got anything smaller?

NELLIE: How about sod all?

RAFF: Are you saying you haven’t any money?

NELLIE: That’s right – I’m skint.

RIFF: Rubbish! We know you get paid on…(current day)

NELLIE: Yes, but I spent it all on a sawn-off shotgun. Would you like to see it?

RIFF & RAFF: (terrified) No fear! (run back to the Sheriff)

SHERIFF: Did you get her money?

RIFF: No, Sheriff.

SHERIFF: Did you threaten her?

RAFF: Yes, but she threatened us more.

SHERIFF: Imbeciles! I’ll get it myself. (to Nellie) You know what I want, what I really, really want?

NELLIE: Well tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

SHERIFF: I’ll tell you what I want, what I really, really want.

NELLIE: Well tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

RIFF & RAFF: (sing) ‘I really, really, really wanna ziga-zig, aaaah!’

NELLIE: (vamping Sheriff) ‘If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.’

SHERIFF: Shut up you silly old fool! (to Riff & Raff) And that goes for you two idiots!

NELLIE: Did I mention I’m auditioning for X-factor?

SHERIFF: Your singing ought to be X-rated.

NELLIE: I’ve often been told that I have the voice of an angel.

SHERIFF: It’s certainly like nothing on earth. (laughs) I made a joke just then.

NELLIE: You didn’t Sheriff – trust me.

Enter Bugsy (SL) followed by Children.

CHILDREN: Please don’t go, Bugsy!

NELLIE: What’s going on here?

BUGSY: I’ve just told the kids that I’ve been sacked.

NELLIE: Well, as of now you’re unsacked.

BUGSY: You mean I’ve got my old job back?

NELLIE: Yes.

CHILDREN: (cheer) Hooray!

NELLIE: Such loyalty. Think how upset they’d be if I said I was leaving.

CHILDREN: (cheer) Hooray!

NELLIE: (snaps) Right! That’s just got you all detention! Ungrateful kids.

BUGSY: I’ll come back on one condition.

NELLIE: Which is?

BUGSY: This time I want paying in money.

NELLIE: I’ll pay you ten pounds a week.

BUGSY: I’m not working for ten pounds a week!

NELLIE: All right, I’ll double it and pay you ten pounds a fortnight.

BUGSY: That’s more like it.

NELLIE: Now, march all those little truants straight back to school.

BUGSY: Yes, Nellie. Come along kids.

Exit Bugsy and Children (SL)

SHERIFF: Are all those kids yours, Nellie?

NELLIE: Yes, they are.

RAFF: Didn’t you have a TV in your house, then?

NELLIE: No, we made our own entertainment back then.

SHERIFF: No prizes for guessing what that was.

NELLIE: I didn’t give birth to them! I teach them in school!

RIFF: That’s usually the best place.

NELLIE: I bet you two never went to school.

RAFF: That’s just where you’re wrong, see?

RIFF: Mum sent us to school every day.

RAFF: And every day we went straight past it to the park.

RIFF: Where we played all day with our conkers.

NELLIE: Didn’t you learn anything, growing up?

RAFF: We learned how to wag it.

RIFF: Then we started going to school at night.

NELLIE: You mean, you went to night school?

RAFF: No, we went to school at night.

NELLIE: And what did you learn there?

RIFF: We learned how to strip the lead off the roof.

SHERIFF: Pay your taxes in full, or I’ll shut down your school.

NELLIE: But I’m flat bust!

RAFF: (ogling her bosom) Oh, I wouldn’t say that.

NELLIE: You remind me of my late husband.

RIFF: In what way?

NELLIE: He was an idiot, too.

SHERIFF: What happened to your husband?

NELLIE: He invented a parachute that opened on impact and insisted on being the test pilot.

SHERIFF: Anyway, you can’t be skint Nellie.

NELLIE: Why can’t I?

SHERIFF: Yesterday, you said you’d just bought an outfit for every day of the year.

NELLIE: Yes, and I’m wearing it.

SHERIFF: Pay up by tomorrow, or I shall be forced to take steps.

NELLIE: Well don’t take the tall ones – I need those to reach the top cupboard.

SHERIFF: We’ll be back tomorrow. (to Riff & Raff) Let’s go.

Exit Sheriff, Riff and Raff (SL)

NELLIE: The old misery-guts. (to audience) I bet you’d hate it if your school were shut down, wouldn’t you boys and girls? I’ll take that as a, yes. I’d better get to school, while I still have one. See you all later! (exits SR)