Chorus are onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Wally (SR)
WALLY: Hiya folks! I say, I say! What’s red and wobbly and flies in the air? A jellycopter!
CHORUS 1: Give it a rest Wally.
WALLY: But it’s my job to get everybody in a happy mood, ready to cheer the Queen of Hearts when she arrives. If she doesn’t get the welcome, she expects, she’ll have my head. Couldn’t you at least force a titter?
CHORUS 2: Sorry Wally, but we’ve heard all your jokes before.
CHORUS 3: (indicating audience) But this lot won’t have.
CHORUS 4: Don’t bet on it.
WALLY: (to audience) Hiya folks! I’m Wally, the Joker. And every time I come on and shout, hiya folks! I want you all to shout back, tell us a joke you funny bloke’ and I’ll tell you one of my brilliant jokes. Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! Listen boys and girls, this is a panto, so you can be as loud as you like and nobody will tell you off, okay. Let’s have another go. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! I don’t think the mums and dads were joining in, were they boys and girls? We’ll have another go, and everybody join in this time. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! I say, I say! My mother-in-law has just gone to Moscow.
CHORUS 5: Is she Russian?
WALLY: No, she’s taking her time! (laughs)
CHORUS 6: If that’s the best you can do Wally, you deserve to lose your head.
Exit Chorus (SL)
WALLY: They obviously don’t have a sense of humour. See you later folks! (exits SL)
Enter Alice, crawling on (SR)
ALICE: Mr Rabbit – where are you? (stands) Thank goodness I can stand again. That rabbit hole was very cramped. (gazing about) What a strange-looking place.
Enter Milly (SL)
MILLY: There you are Alice!
ALICE: Mum! What are you doing here?
MILLY: You’re late for your tea again.
SFX: Cartoon style running whizzing sound.
Enter White Rabbit at a run (USL)
MILLY: Oh look, it’s the Easter Bunny!
W. RABBIT: (stops and checks his watch) Aaaah! I’m late for the royal wedding!
MILLY: Another Royal wedding! Who’s getting married this time?
ALICE: The Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds.
MILLY: Never heard of them – they must be minor royals.
W. RABBIT: I’m late – goodbye! (exits SR)
ALICE: Mr Rabbit – wait! (exits after the White Rabbit)
MILLY: I’m done chasing her. Who cares about a stuffy old royal wedding anyway?
Music cue 2: Lights dim briefly. Enter Knave of Spades (SL)
KNAVE: Did somebody mention – a royal wedding?
MILLY: I did – why?
KNAVE: So, who’s getting married then?
MILLY: The Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds – apparently.
KNAVE: Curses! I should be marrying the Princess
MILLY: Are you the vicar, then?
KNAVE: No! I should be the groom!
MILLY: Jilted you did she?
KNAVE: The King of Hearts promised that Princess Ruby would marry me.
MILLY: And who are you?
KNAVE: I’m the Knave of Spades.
MILLY: I think you’ve been dealt a bum hand.
KNAVE: Yes, but I always come up trumps.
MILLY: (wafting) I wondered what that rotten smell was.
Enter Alice (SR)
MILLY: Did you manage to catch the White Rabbit, Alice?
ALICE: No mum, he was too fast for me.
KNAVE: I also seek the White Rabbit – and I will pay a handsome reward, to anybody who helps me capture him.
MILLY: He went that-a-way. (points SR)
KNAVE: Thanks! (exits at a run SR)
MILLY: (shouts) Make the cheque out to Milly!
ALICE: I wonder why he’s after the White Rabbit?
MILLY: Who cares, Alice?
ALICE: I didn’t like the look of him.
MILLY: I thought he was an ugly ner-do-well at first – until I noticed his better qualities.
ALICE: And when was that?
MILLY: The moment he mentioned, handsome reward.
Music cue 3: Enter Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee (SL)
MILLY: Eh-up! It’s the Chuckle Brothers.
DEE: (to Milly) Hello to you.
DUM: (to Alice) Hello to you.
DEE: (to Milly) Hello to you again.
DUM: We’ll introduce ourselves if we may.
DEE: Or if you like, we’ll go away.
DUM: I’m Tweedle Dum.
DEE: I’m Tweedle Dee.
DUM/DEE: And Tweedly twins are what we be.
DUM: (to Milly) Now who are you?
DEE: (to Alice) And who are you?
DUM: (to Milly) And who are you again?
MILLY: (points to herself and Alice in turn) I’m me, that’s her, that’s her, I’m me. But I’m not her and she’s not me – I can be silly too you see.
DEE: And very well you do it too.
DUM: A little recitation entitled, Father William.
You are old father William, the young man said, (enter Old Man SR)
And your hair it has grown very white.
And yet you incessantly stand on your head, (Old Man tries a headstand)
Do you think at your age it is right?
MILLY: I think aerobics for octogenarians is next door, dear.
Exit Old Man (SR) shaking his head.
DEE: Another recitation entitled, The Sea.
I must go down to the sea again,
To the lonely sea and the sky.
I left my vest and pants on the beach,
And I want to see if they’re dry.
ALICE: (to Dum & Dee) Pardon me, but you haven’t seen a White Rabbit, have you?
DUM: Yes – we haven’t.
ALICE: Only I was chasing him just now.
DEE: Are you hunting him?
DUM: With a spear?
DEE: With a gun?
DUM: Or perhaps, a sticky bun?
ALICE: No! He’s going to a royal wedding and I want to go, but I don’t know the way.
DEE: There’s only one way in Wonderland.
MILLY: And which way’s that?
DUM: The Queen’s way of course.
DEE: She makes the laws and sets the rules.
DUM: And we obey ‘cos we’re no fools.
MILLY: You could’ve fooled me.
QUEEN: (shouts off) Out of my way!
ALICE: Who is that?
DEE: It’s the Queen of Hearts!
ALICE: She sounds angry.
DUM: She’s always angry.
DEE: Not like the Queen of Diamonds.
DUM: Or the Queen of Clubs.
DEE: Or the Queen of Spades.
MILLY: This place has more Queens’ than Ru Paul’s Drag Race.
QUEEN: (off) Out of my way!
DUM: Shall we depart, brother?
DEE: That would seem prudent.
Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee turn to Alice and Milly.
DUM: (to Alice) Goodbye to you.
DEE: (to Milly) Goodbye to you.
DUM: (to Alice) Goodbye to you again.
Exit Dum and Dee (SR)
Enter Wally (SL)
WALLY: Hiya folks! I say, I say! What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!
MILLY: And that was about as funny.
WALLY: Who are you?
MILLY: I’m Milly, and this is my beautiful daughter Alice.
WALLY: Pleased to meet you Alice.
ALICE: Likewise, Mr…?
WALLY: Pratt. Wally M. Pratt.
ALICE: What’s the M for?
WALLY: It’s a motorway from London to Bristol. (laughs) I’ve got a million of ‘em.
MILLY: If they’re anything like that, you can keep them.
WALLY: I’m the royal joker. And I must warm up the crowd before their majesties arrive.
MILLY: You’ll have your work cut out with this audience. They all look like they’ve lost a tenner and found 10p.
WALLY: I’ll soon have them rolling in the aisles – watch. (to audience) I say, I say! What kind of bees live in a graveyard? Zom-bees!
MILLY: Speaking of the undead – I think they’ve all bought tickets for this show.
SFX: Royal fanfare.
Enter Queen of Hearts (SL) followed tamely by the King of Hearts.
WALLY: Three cheers for their majesties! Hip-hip-hooray! (x3)
QUEEN: That wasn’t much of a welcome!
KING: (timidly) I thought it was all right dear.
QUEEN: (snaps) When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you!
KING: (cowers) Yes dear – thank you dear.
WALLY: I’m sorry your majesties, but the audience seem to have left their sense of humour at home.
MILLY: I bet they wish they’d stayed home with it.
QUEEN: (bellows) Send for the army!
KING: Send for the army! Send for the Army! The Queen has spoken – yes indeed. (to Alice & Milly) Isn’t she loud? Mmmm?
WALLY: Oh, no!
Music cue 4: Enter Playing Card Soldiers (SL) followed by the Sergeant. Music halts and Soldiers line up fidgeting and shoving each other.
SARGE: No shuffling in the ranks! (bawls) Atteeeeeenshun!
Soldiers snap to attention and Soldier 1 falls over.
MILLY: Not exactly the Coldstream Guards, are they?
SARGE: (to Soldier 1) Who told you to fall out soldier?
SOLDIER 1: Nobody sarge.
SARGE: On your feet you ‘orrible little card!
Soldier 1 scrambles to his feet.
SARGE: (salutes) Card division reporting for duty, your majesties!
QUEEN: The Joker has failed in his royal task, and one is not amused.
KING: Oh, dear – that can mean only one thing.
QUEEN: (pointing at Wally) Off with his head!
SARGE: Take him away!
Soldiers take hold of Wally.
WALLY: Give me another chance your majesty – I’m sure I can make them laugh.
MILLY: Don’t bet on it – I’ve seen your lines.
ALICE: You can’t chop off Wally’s head for not making people laugh!
QUEEN: Who, are you?
ALICE: I’m Alice your majesty – and this is my mum, Millicent.
MILLY: (curtsey) Charmed I’m sure.
QUEEN: Are you both newcomers to Wonderland?
ALICE: Yes, your majesty.
KING: Visitors – how nice! Welcome to our kingdom – isn’t it lovely – mmmm?
ALICE: (hesitant) Well…
QUEEN: And now the pleasantries are out of the way. (pointing at Alice and Milly) Off with their heads!
MILLY: Some welcome!
ALICE: But what have we done wrong?
KING: You uttered the two words that must never be directed at the Queen.
MILLY: We never once mentioned, big bum!
KING: Those aren’t the forbidden words.
MILLY: So, we can call her big bum?
WALLY: Sssssh! You’ll only make things worse.
ALICE: What could be worse than having your head chopped off?
KING: The forbidden words are – you can’t.
QUEEN: Take them all to the chopping block!
SARGE: Yes, your majesty. (to Soldiers) Grab them.
Soldiers take hold of Alice and Milly.
MILLY: Take your hands off me, or I shall be forced to deal with you! (laughs) Cards? Deal?
KING: Must we chop off their heads, dear? It’s so messy. Can’t we just throw them in the palace dungeons instead – mmmm?
MILLY: Please don’t put me in the dungeons! I suffer from ogitrev!
KING: What’s ogitrev?
MILLY: You’ve heard of vertigo?
QUEEN: Yes – it’s a fear of heights.
MILLY: Well, ogitrev’s just the reverse – literally. I can’t bear the thought of being underground.
KING: You’ll end up underground eventually.
MILLY: Over my dead body!
WALLY: That’s the usual way.
QUEEN: (laughs) How delightfully droll! I love dark humour. Just for that, I won’t chop your heads off after all. Return to barracks, sergeant.
SARGE: Yes, your majesty. (to Soldiers) All right you ‘orrible lot! At the double! Quick march! Left, right, left, right…
Exit Soldiers marching off in a hopelessly inept manner (SL)
QUEEN: (to Alice & Milly) Would you both like to come to the palace for tea and tarts? I made them all on a summer’s day you know.
ALICE: We’d love to your majesty.
QUEEN: Do you play croquet?
MILLY: What’s croquet?
WALLY: It’s a game that involves hitting balls with a large wooden mallet.
KING: (covers his crotch) Ooooh! Can’t we play tiddlywinks instead dear – mmmm? croquet is such a violent game.
WALLY: Only if the Queen loses.
QUEEN: I never lose! Now come along!
King and Queen begin to exit (SR) followed by Alice, Milly and Wally.
QUEEN: (turns) Where do you think you’re going?
ALICE: To the palace with you, your majesty.
MILLY: You invited us for tea, remember?
QUEEN: Yes, but one is not going to the palace. One is going to open a new Lidl.
KING: Can I cut the ribbon, dear? Can I? Pretty please – mmmm? (using fingers as scissors) Snip, snip.
QUEEN: There’s only one snip you’ll get if you interrupt me again! (to Alice & Milly) You must make your own way to the palace.
Exit King and Queen (SR)
ALICE: (calls after them) But we don’t know the way!
WALLY: I do – follow me.
Exit Wally, Alice and Milly (SL)