Alice In Wonderland

Scene One

Wonderland

Music cue 2: Wonderlanders. After song ends…

Wally the Joker enters (SR)

Joker

(brightly) Hiya folks!

W’landers

Hiya Wally!

Joker

I say, I say! What’s red and wobbly and flies in the air? Give up? A jellycopter! (falls about laughing)

Wonderlanders groan.

W’lander 1

Give it a rest Wally.

Joker

But it’s my job to get everyone in a happy mood, ready to cheer the Queen of Hearts when she arrives. If she doesn’t get the welcome she expects, she’ll have my head. Couldn’t you at least force a titter?

W’lander 2

Sorry Wally, but we’ve heard all your jokes before.

W’lander 3

(indicating audience) But this lot won’t have.

W’lander 4

(dryly) I wouldn’t bet on it.

W’lander 5

(to Wally) Why don’t you try your jokes out on them, Wally?

Joker

Good idea. (to audience) Hiya folks! (muted response)

W’lander 1

If that’s the best they can do, you’re definitely gonna lose your head, Wally.

Joker

(confident) I haven’t even warmed up yet. (to audience) Hi there, my name’s Wally and I’m the royal Joker. Every time I come on and shout ‘hiya folks’ I want you all to shout back ‘tell us a joke, you funny bloke’, and I’ll tell you one of my brilliant jokes. Okay? (audience respond) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (audience respond) That wasn’t very good was it? Now listen boys and girls. I had a word with your mums and dads on the way in and they’ve all agreed that you can shout as loud as you want today. Tomorrow you’ll have to be quiet because they’ll all have hangovers. Let’s have another go. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (audience respond) I don’t think the mums and dads were joining in, were they boys and girls. We’ll have another go and this time make sure they all join in. (exits and re-enters) Hiya folks! (audience respond) I say, I say! My mother-in-law has just gone to Moscow.

W’lander 2

Is she Russian?

Joker

No, she’s taking her time! (laughs)

Wonderlanders groan.

Joker

I’d better get to the palace before the queen sets off. See you later folks. (exits SL)

W’lander 3

Poor Wally. It must be dreadful working for the Queen of Hearts, knowing that any day you could get the chop.

W’lander 4

(drawing a finger across their throat) Literally.

Alice crawls on (SR)

Alice

Mr Rabbit, where are you? (realises she can stand) Thank goodness I can stand again. That rabbit hole was ever so cramped. (sees the Wonderlanders) Oh, hello. You haven’t seen a white rabbit have you?

W’lander 5

No but I’ve seen a red herring.

W’lander 1

I once saw a dark horse.

W’lander 2

And last night I saw a pink elephant.

W’lander 3

Yes but you had just come out of the…(local pub)…dear.

Dame Milly enters (SL)

Dame Milly

There you are Alice! I’ve been looking all over for you. You’re late for your tea again.

Alice

Sorry mum.

SFX: Cartoon style running whizzing sound.

White Rabbit runs on (USL)

Dame Milly

Oh look, it’s the Easter Bunny.

W. Rabbit

(stops and checks his watch) Oh my, I’m late for the royal wedding!

Dame Milly

Royal wedding! Is Prince Harry getting married now? (or other royal)

Alice

No mum, the Princess of Hearts is marrying the Prince of Diamonds.

Dame Milly

The Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds…’marrying’. (laughs) Oh Alice, you are a card.

W. Rabbit

(checks watch again) I’m late! Goodbye! (exits SR)

Alice

Wait Mr Rabbit! (exits after the White Rabbit)

Dame Milly

(calls after her) Alice!  (annoyed) That’s it, I’ve had enough I’m not running after her anymore. Who wants to go to a stuffy old royal wedding anyway?

Music cue 3: Lights dim and Knave of Spades enters (SL)

Knave

Did I hear someone mention a ‘royal wedding’?

Dame Milly

With ears like that, you could hardly have missed it.

Knave

So who is getting married?

Dame Milly

Well if you believe the rumours, the Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds.

Knave

Curses!

Dame Milly

Don’t tell me you’re late as well.

Knave

I should be marrying the Princess!

Dame Milly

Are you a vicar, then?

Knave

No! I should be the royal groom!

Dame Milly

Never mind, I’m sure there are plenty of other stables you can work at.

Knave

(pointing at her) With a face like that, it’s you who ought to be in stables.

Dame Milly

How dare you! Just who are you anyway?

Knave

I am the Knave of Spades. The King of Hearts and I had an understanding, that one day his daughter and I would marry. But it seems that he’s gone back on his word.

Alice enters (SR)

Dame Milly

(to Alice) Did you catch the White Rabbit, then?

Alice

No mum, he was too fast for me.

Knave

(to himself) White Rabbit, eh. (to Alice & Milly) I too am after the White Rabbit, and will pay a handsome reward to anyone who helps me catch him.

Dame Milly

He went that-a-way. (points SR)

Knave

Thanks! (runs off SR)

Dame Milly

(shouts after him) Just make the cheque out to ‘Milly’!

Alice

Why did you tell him where the White Rabbit went, mum? I don’t like the look of him.

Dame Milly

Never judge people by appearances Alice. I thought he was an ugly ner-do-well at first, until I started to notice his better qualities.

Alice

When?

Dame Milly

The moment he mentioned ‘handsome reward’.

Music cue 4: Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee enter (SL)

Dame Milly

Eh-up, it’s the Chuckle Brothers.

Dee

(to Milly) Hello to you.

Dum

(to Alice) Hello to you.

Dee

(to Milly) Hello to you again.

Dum

We’ll introduce ourselves if we may.

Dee

Or if you like we’ll go away.

Dum

I’m Tweedle Dum.

Dee

I’m Tweedle Dee.

Dum & Dee

And Tweedly twins are what we be.

Dum

(to Milly) Now who are you?

Dee

(to Alice) And who are you?

Dum

(to Milly) And who are you again?

Dame Milly

(points to herself and Alice in turn) I’m me, that’s her – that’s her, I’m me – but I’m not her and she’s not me. I can be silly too you see.

Dee

And very well you do it too.

Dum

A little recitation entitled ‘Father William’.

‘You are old father William’ the young man said. (an Old Man enters SR)

‘And your hair it has grown very white

And yet you incessantly stand on your head (Old Man tries standing on his head)

Do you think at your age it is right’?

Dame Milly

(to Old Man) I think ‘aerobics for octogenarians’ is next door, love.

The Old Man finally gives up exits (SR) shaking his head

Dee

Another recitation entitled ‘The Sea.’

I must go down to the sea again,

To the lonely sea and sky.

I left my vest and pants on the beach,

And I want to see if they’re dry.

Alice
(to Dum & Dee) Excuse me, but you haven’t seen a White Rabbit have you?

Dum

That is correct – we haven’t.

Alice

Only I was chasing him just now.

Dee

Are you hunting him?

Dum

With a spear?

Dee

With a gun?

Dum

Or perhaps, a sticky bun?

Alice

No, he’s going to the royal wedding and I’d like to go too. Only I don’t know the way.

Dee

There’s only one way in Wonderland.

Dame Milly

And which way’s that?

Dum

The Queen’s way of course.

Dee

She makes the law and sets the rules.

Dum

And we obey ‘cos we’re no fools.

Queen

(off) Out of my way!

Alice

Who is that?

Dee

It’s the Queen of Hearts!

Alice

She sounds angry.

Dum

She’s always angry.

Dee

Not at all like the Queen of Diamonds

Dum

Or the Queen of Clubs.

Dee

Or the Queen of Spades.

Dame Milly

Blimey, this place has more Queens than an Elton John party.

Queen

(off) Out of my way!

Dum

(to Dee) Shall we scarper, brother?

Dee

That would be prudent.

Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee turn to Alice and Milly.

Dum 
(to Alice) Goodbye to you.

Dee

(to Milly) Goodbye to you.

Dum

(to Alice) Goodbye to you again.

Dum and Dee exit (SR)

Wally enters (SL)

Joker

Hiya folks! (audience respond) I say, I say! What do you get if you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite!

Dame Milly

And that was about as funny.

Joker

(to Milly) Who are you?

Dame Milly

I’m Dame Milly and this is my beautiful daughter, Alice.

Joker

(to Alice) Pleased to meet you Alice.

Alice

Likewise, Mr…?

Joker

Pratt. Wally M. Pratt.

Alice

What’s the M for?

Joker

It’s a motorway from London to Bristol. (laughs) Ha-ha-ha! I’ve got a million of ‘em.

Dame Milly

And if they’re anything like that, you can keep them.

Joker

I’m the royal joker and it’s my job to get everyone in a happy mood, before the King and Queen arrive.

Dame Milly

You’ll have your work cut out with this lot. (indicates audience) They all look as though they’ve lost a tenner and found 10p.

Joker

I’ll soon have them rolling in the aisles, watch. (to audience) I say, I say! What sort of bees live in a graveyard? Give up? Zom-bees! (mimics a zombie)

Dame Milly

Speaking of the undead. (indicating audience) Where did they dig this lot up?

SFX: Royal fanfare.

The Queen of Hearts sweeps on (SL) tamely followed by the King of Hearts.

Joker

Three cheers for their majesties! Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray! Hip-hip-hooray!

Queen

That wasn’t much of a welcome!

King

(weakly) I thought it was all right dear.

Queen

(snaps) When I want your opinion, I’ll give it to you!

King

(cowers) Yes dear, thank you dear.

Joker

(to Queen) I’m sorry your majesty, but this audience appear to have left their sense of humour at home.

Dame Milly

And I’ll bet they wish they’d stayed home with it.

Queen

(bellows) Send for the army!

King

(calls) Send for the army! Send for the Army! Her majesty has spoken, yes indeed. (to Alice & Milly) Isn’t she loud? Mmmm?

Joker

Oh, no!

Alice

(to Joker) Don’t worry Wally, I can’t see them being any funnier than you.

All move upstage as Soldiers dressed and playing cards enter (SL) followed by the Sergeant. Music cue 5: Music ends and the Soldiers line up fidgeting about and pushing and shoving each other – one faces wrong way, etc.

Sergeant

(to Soldiers) No shuffling in the ranks! (bawls) Atteeeeeenshun!

The Soldiers snap to attention and Soldier 1 falls over.

Dame Milly

(to Alice) Not exactly the Coldstream Guards, are they?

Sergeant

(shouts at Soldier 1) Who told you to fall out soldier?

Soldier 1

No one sarge.

Sergeant

On your feet you ‘orrible little card!

Soldier 1 scrambles to his feet.

Sergeant

(salutes) Card division reporting for duty, your majesties!

Queen

(to Sergeant) The Joker has failed in his royal task, and one is not amused.

King

A very serious offence don’tcha know.

Queen

For which there is only one punishment. (pointing at Wally) Off with his head!

Sergeant

(to Soldiers) Take him away!

Soldiers take hold of Wally.

Joker

(pleading) Please give me another chance your majesty! I’m sure I can make them laugh.

Dame Milly

I wouldn’t hold out too much hope if I were you. I’ve seen your lines.

Alice

(to Queen) You can’t chop someone’s head off, for not making people laugh.

Queen

(turns on Alice) Who are you?

Alice

I’m Alice your majesty and…(introducing Milly)…this is my mum.

Dame Milly

(awkward curtsey) Charmed I’m sure.

Queen

You’re newcomers to Wonderland, I take it.

Alice

Yes, your majesty.

King

(gushing) Visitors! How nice! (shaking their hands) Welcome to our kingdom! Isn’t it lovely? Mmmm?

Alice

(unsure) We-eell…

Queen

And now the pleasantries are out of the way. (pointing at Alice and Milly) Off with their heads!

Dame Milly

Some welcome!

Alice

But what have we done wrong?

King

You uttered the two words that must never be directed at the queen.

Dame Milly

I don’t recall either of us calling her ‘big bum’.

King

Those aren’t the forbidden words.

Dame Milly

You mean we can call her ‘big bum’?

Joker

Sssssh! You’ll only make things worse.

Alice

What could be worse than having your head chopped off?

King

The forbidden words are ‘you can’t’.

Queen

(to Sergeant) Take them all to the chopping block!

Sergeant

Yes, your majesty. (to Soldiers) Bring them along.

Soldiers take hold of Alice and Milly.

Dame Milly

Take your hands off me, or I shall be forced to deal with you! (to audience) Deal? Cards? (gives up) Oh, forget it.

King

(nervously to Queen) Do we have to chop their heads off, dear? Mmmm? It’s so messy. Can’t we just throw them in the palace dungeons instead? Mmmm? Pretty please. Mmmm?

Dame Milly

(pleads) Oh, please don’t put me in the dungeons! I suffer from ogitrev!

King

What’s ogitrev?

Dame Milly

Well you’ve heard of vertigo?

Queen

Yes, it’s the fear of heights.

Dame Milly

Well ogitrev is just the reverse. (to audience) Think about it. (to Queen) I can’t bear the thought of being underground.

King

But you’ll end up underground eventually.

Dame Milly

Over my dead body!

Joker

That’s the usual way.

Queen

(bellows with laughter) Ha-ha-ha! ‘Over my dead body’! How terribly droll! I love dark humour. Just for that, I won’t chop your heads off after all. (to Sergeant) Sergeant. Take your men and return to barracks.

Sergeant

Yes, your majesty. (to Soldiers) All right you ‘orrible lot! At the double! Quick march! Left…left…left, right, left!

Soldiers march off (SL) in a hopelessly inept manner.

Queen

(to Alice & Milly) How would you both like to come to the palace for tea and tarts? I made them all on a summer’s day you know.

Alice

Thank you your majesty, we’d love too.

Queen

(to Alice & Milly) Do you play croquet?

Dame Milly

What’s croquet?

Joker

It involves hitting balls with a large wooden mallet.

King

(covers his vulnerables and bends his knees) Oooohh! Can’t we play tiddlywinks instead dear? Mmmm? Croquet is such a violent game.

Queen

(snaps) Only when you get in my way! Now shut up and come along!

King and Queen begin to exit (SR) followed by Alice, Milly and Wally.

Queen

(turns to Alice & Milly) Where do you think you’re going?

Alice

To the palace with you, your majesty.

Dame Milly

You invited us for tea, remember?

Queen

Yes, but one is not going to the palace. One is going to open a new supermarket.

King

(excited) Can I cut the ribbon, dear? Can I? Mmmm? Pretty please? Mmmm? (uses his fingers as scissors) Snip-snip.

Queen

There’s only one snip you’ll be getting, if you interrupt me again! (to Alice & Milly) You’ll just have to make your own way to the palace.

King and Queen exit quickly (SR)

Alice

(calls after them) But we don’t know the way!

Joker

Don’t worry, I’ll take you there. Follow me. (leads them off SL)

Blackout – cloth/tabs in – lights up. 

Scene Two

Near Muddleup Wood

SFX: Cartoon style running/whizzing sound.

White Rabbit runs on (SL)

W. Rabbit

I’m late! I’m late! (exits SR)

Knave of Spades rushes on (SL) and crosses to (SR)

Knave

(peering into wing) Curses! The White Rabbit has disappeared into Muddleup Wood. I shall need help, capturing him now.

Music cue 6: Dum and Dee enter (SR)

Knave

(aside to audience) And these two idiots could be just what I’m looking for.

Dee

(to Knave) Hello to you.

Dum

(to Knave) Hello to you.

Dee

(to Dum) Hello to you.

Dum

(to Dee – shaking hands) Hello to you again.

Dee

(to Knave) We’ll introduce ourselves if we may.

Dum

(wary of the Knave) But on second thoughts, we’ll go away.

Dum and Dee turn to go.

Knave

(to Dum & Dee) Don’t go, gentlemen. I’m looking for two handsome, intelligent individuals like yourselves, to assist me in a financial matter.

Dum and Dee stop and turn.

Dee

‘Intelligent’ you say?

Knave

Indeed, I do.

Dum

And ‘handsome’?

Knave

That also.

Dee

In that case, we’d be happy to assist you.

Dum

Financial matters are our speciality.

Dee

One and one makes a couple.

Dum

Two couples make a party.

Dee

Parties cost money.

Dum

And money equals finance.

Knave

I can see that you’re both well qualified, gentlemen.

Dee

We certainly are. Now how can we be of assistance?

Knave

(takes out a large jewel on a chain) Take a look at this jewel, which I recently purchased from a car-boot sale, and give me your thoughts.

Dum

We can’t do that!

Knave

Why not?

Dee

‘Cos if we give all our thoughts away, we won’t have anything left to think about.

Knave

(aside to audience) Jackpot! (to Dum & Dee) Your opinion will suffice gentlemen. Now look deep into the jewel (swings the jewel in front of their eyes)

SFX: Tick-tock sound as jewel is swung back and forth.

Knave

Deep…deeper. (snaps his fingers

SFX: Loud snap like a whip snap – synchronised with Knave snapping his fingers.

Dum and Dee immediately stand bolt upright, and repeat the Knave’s words parrot fashion.

Knave

You are both under my control.

Dee/Dum

We are under your control.

Knave

You will enter Muddleup Wood.

Dee/Dum

Righty-tighty!

Knave

Capture the White Rabbit

Dee/Dum

Okely-dokely!

Knave

And bring him to me.

Dee/Dum

Indeedly-doodly!

Knave

Now go!

Dee/Dum

At once your nastiness.

Dum and Dee exit (SR)

Knave

Once I have the golden heart, I will use it to take over the Kingdom of Hearts. But why stop there. I’ve recently discovered that the White Rabbit’s watch is also made of gold, from the wizard’s magic goldmine. With the added power of the watch, I can take over not only Wonderland, but the whole world. Ha-ha-ha! (exits SL)