Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves

SCENE ONE

THE OLD BAZAAR IN CAIRO

Baba’s Barber Shop is [DSR] a barber’s chair is outside. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…

Enter Donna [SL]

CHORUS 1: Hi Donna! Is that a new dress you’re wearing?

DONNA: Well, it’s new to me. I got it from Oxfam. I’m that poor I can’t even afford to shop at Primark. Are you all here for the camel racing?

CHORUS 2: That’s right. Didn’t you used to be a camel jockey, Donna?

DONNA: Yes, but I gave it up after my first race.

CHORUS 3: How come?

DONNA: I fell at the start and got trampled underfoot.

CHORUS 4: That would explain the state of your face.

CHORUS 5: Not to mention her body.

DONNA: Cheek! Most women would die for a body like mine. I’m such a perfect specimen of womanhood, I’m considering leaving my body to medical science.

CHORUS 1: You ought to leave to science fiction.

Chorus laugh.

DONNA: Clear off, you idlers! [shoos Chorus off SL] Hello boys and girls! I’m Donna Baba, a poor but insanely attractive young widow. My husband died in a freak accident when he backed into a working lathe and gave himself a nasty turn. I sank the insurance money into this here barber shop, and it’s been a complete disaster. I blame my two sons, Rhum and Ali. Rhum can’t cut it as a barber, and Ali disappeared two years ago, and I haven’t seen him since. [emotional] I don’t know if he’s alive or dead. If he ever turns up, I’ll flaming kill him! I’d better find Rhum, he should’ve opened the shop an hour ago. Bye for now. [exits SR]

Enter Rhum [SL]

RHUM: Hello everybody! I’m Rhum Baba and I’m a barber. You all look a cut above, and I’m wondering if you’d like to be my friends. Wonderful! Now, whenever I come on I’ll shout ‘rhum-tiddly-om-pom’ and you all reply, ‘pom-pom’ okay? Let’s try it then. Rhum-tiddly-om-pom! Let’s do it again, and this time I want you to open your mouths that wide, I can see what you had for breakfast. ‘rhum-tiddly-om-pom!’ [pointing] Cornflakes, porridge…curry!?

Enter a Man [SR] wearing a curly black wig underneath his turban.

MAN: Good morning, I’d like a haircut please.

RHUM: Certainly, sir, please take a seat.

MAN: Shouldn’t we go inside the shop?

RHUM: No, our electric’s been cut off so we’re doing customers outside today.

MAN: Then it’s a good job it isn’t raining. [sits]

RHUM: [removes man’s turban and lots of tiny dots of white paper fall out] I see you have a touch of dandruff, sir.

MAN: You’re telling me. I’ve tried everything to clear it, but nothing’s worked.

RHUM: Then today’s your lucky day. [produces a small bottle] This will get rid of your dandruff, in five seconds flat.

MAN: That sounds marvellous, I’ll have some.

RHUM: Now I must warn you, it’s very strong and might sting a bit.

MAN: I think I can cope with a little bit of stinging, carry on. [Rhum sprinkles contents onto his hair and massages it in] Aaahh! My head’s on fire!

RHUM: Hold on! [exits and returns with a towel with FIRE BLANKET written large on it and wraps it around the man’s head]

MAN: [soothed] Ooooh! That’s better.

RHUM: I did warn you it might sting a bit, didn’t I?

MAN: It certainly did. Still, it’ll be worth it if it gets rid of my dandruff.

RHUM: I’ll just countdown from five and then remove the towel, and it will all have gone. [gets audience to count along] Five…four…three…two…one! [removes towel along with Man’s wig, revealing a bald head] Woah!

MAN: Has it all gone then?

RHUM: It sure has.

MAN: [feeling his head] Aaahh! [jumps up] I’m completely bald!

RHUM: Yes, but look on the bright side. At least you won’t be bothered by dandruff again.

MAN: [draws dagger] Neither will you once I’ve removed your head!

RHUM: [backing off] Now, now, sir. Keep your hair on! [realises] What am I saying!? It’s time to throw in the towel. [throws towel and wig at Man] Bye! [exits USL]

MAN: Come back here! [exits after Rhum]

Enter Donna [SL]

DONNA: I can’t find Rhum anywhere. But when I do, he won’t know what’s hit him.

Enter Rhum at a run [DSL] looking over his shoulder – crashes into Donna.

SFX: Comedy crashing sound.

DONNA: Aaahh! [falls down and flails her legs about revealing comedy bloomers]

RHUM: Whoops!

DONNA: [standing] You clumsy oaf, Rhum!

RHUM: Sorry mum, but a deranged bald-headed customer was chasing me just now.

DONNA: Why was a bald-headed customer chasing you?

RHUM: Because he wasn’t bald when he came in.

DONNA: What on earth did you do to him!?

RHUM: I used that anti-dandruff lotion, and it wasn’t only the dandruff that disappeared.

DONNA: You, useless twit! Can’t you do anything right?

RHUM: You’re the one who bought it off Ebay!

DONNA: That’s right, blame me for everything.

Enter Fatima [SR]

FATIMA: [waving to them] Coo-ee!

RHUM: Oh no, it’s Fatima from the pizza parlour. She fancies me like mad and I’d have to be, to fancy her.

FATIMA: Do you fancy taking me up the casbah tonight Rhum?

RHUM: I’d love to Fatima, but I’m afraid I can’t.

FATIMA: Why not?

RHUM: Because I’m just off to join the Foreign Legion.

FATIMA: But you’re not foreign.

RHUM: I’m half foreign.

DONNA: No, you’re not.

RHUM: You told me dad was from abroad.

DONNA: Yes – in Norfolk!