Aladdin Version 2 (Perusal)

Scene One

The Town Square In Old Peking

Twankey’s laundrette is (USR) and a laundry basket stands outside it. Music cue 3: After song ends…Citizens exit (USL)

Widow Twankey enters (DSL) carrying a shopping bag, and singing.

Twankey
#Keep young and beautiful, it’s my duty to be beautiful# (sees audience) Oh, hello!
If I’d known we had visitors, I’d have put on my best frock. What am I saying? This
is my best frock. Me and my sons are so poor, we get clothes parcels from Oxfam. (audience respond) We’re poorer than that. (elicit audience sympathy) I tried
supplementing my income by taking a job as a contortionist, but I still couldn’t make
ends meet. Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Widow Twankey and I run
this here laundrette with my two sons, Aladdin and Wishee Washee. Wishee was supposed to be helping me fetch the shopping from Tesco this morning. I don’t know where he is, but I wish-he would hurry up. ‘Wishee’ would hurry up? Ha-ha-ha! I made a little joke there. (wryly) Pity you didn’t notice it.

Wishee Washee walks on (SR) scratching his head and yawning.

Wishee
(to Twankey) Hi, mum.

Twankey
What time do you call this, Wishee?

Wishee
Breakfast time?

Twankey
Try ‘lunchtime’.

Wishee
Sorry mum, I overslept.

Twankey
You sleep more than a catatonic cat on tranquillisers.

Wishee
Well I’m awake now. (to audience) Hiya boys and girls! Hey, do you wanna be in my gang? (audience respond) I said ‘do you wanna be in my gang’? (audience respond) Great. Now every time I come on, I’ll shout ‘wotcha gang’, and I want you to shout back ‘wotcha Wishee’!  Will you do that for me? Right, let’s have a practice. (exits and re-enters) Wotcha, gang! (audience respond) Have they all gone home, mum?

Twankey
No, but they might as well, ‘cos it doesn’t get any better.

Wishee
(to audience) Let’s try it again. (exits and re-enters) Wotcha, gang! (audience respond) Briliantl! (pointing to Twankey’s bag) What’s in the bag, mum?

Twankey
It’s my new frock. I got it in the 50% off sale at Primark. (takes half a frock out of the bag) Now I just need to find a shop that’s selling the other 50%. Well now you’re here you can help me fetch the shopping.

Wishee
Huh! We’re so poor all our shopping ever consists of is baked beans and sprouts. If it weren’t for the musical evenings our diet provided, life could get really boring round here. According to Jamie Oliver, I should be eating a balanced diet.

Wishee
(wafting behind his bottom)

Twankey
You do eat a balanced diet.

Wishee
How do you make that out?

Twankey
The sprouts on your plate weigh the same as the beans. Anyway, today I thought I’d buy a nice joint of pork with some new potatoes, and all the trimmings. And then fill up the freezer with some nice juicy steaks, pizza and ice cream.

Wishee
(rubbing his tummy) Oooh, lovely!

Twankey
But then I realised I’d spent most of the money on half a dress, so we’ll have to settle for beans and sprouts. Now come along.

Wishee
But I haven’t had breakfast yet.

Twankey
I’ll buy you lunch at that new Chinese-Italian restaurant. ‘Gino’s Hot Wok Pasta Bar’.

Wishee
Forget it. I went there once, and came out hungrier than I went in.

Twankey
How come?

Wishee
Have you ever tried eating spaghetti with chopsticks? I ended up knitting myself a sweater.

Aladdin runs on (SL)

Aladdin
Help!  I’m being chased by a lunatic!

Wishee
Quick, Aladdin. Hide in the laundry basket!

Aladdin
Thanks Wishee. (climbs inside the laundry basket)

An angry Merchant runs on (SL)

Merchant
(to Wishee) Where’s that useless brother of yours?

Wishee
What do you want with him?

Merchant
I paid him to look after my stall. And when I returned, the stall was empty and there was only fifty pence in the till!

Twankey
Well he isn’t here.

Merchant
I’ll catch him if it’s the last thing I do. (exits SR)

Wishee
(lifts basket lid) You can come out now.

Aladdin
(climbs out of the basket) Phew! That was close.

Twankey
What have you been up to this time, Aladdin?

Aladdin
Bogof!

Twankey
How dare you speak to your mother like that!

Aladdin
It means ‘you buy one you get one free’.

Wishee
(mimicking TV ad) You buy one you get one free.

Twankey
(mimicking TV ad) I said you buy one you get one free.

Aladdin
You see, the stallholder told me to sell everything as buy one get one free. But I got a bit confused, and put up a sign saying ‘buy one and get the rest free’.

Twankey
If only you still had the brains you were born with, Aladdin.

A Chorus of Citizens rush on (SL) chattering excitedly.

Wishee
What’s all the excitement?

Chorus 1
Haven’t you heard?

Wishee
Well not much, since the last time mother shouted in my ear.

Chorus 2
Princess Lychee is coming to Peking for a spot of royal shopping.

Chorus 3
Apparently she’s looking for a wedding dress.

Aladdin
(aghast) The Princess is getting married!

Wishee
(to Aladdin) Bad luck, bruv. I know you had a thing for her.

Twankey
He never stood a chance there. (to Chorus) Who’s she marrying?

Chorus 4
Won Hung Lo!

Twankey
I know. (adjusts her bosom) I could do with those one’s that lift and separate.

Chorus 5
He’s the son of the Grand Khazi.

Aladdin
But she can’t marry him!

Chorus 1
She has no choice.

Chorus 2
Her parents have arranged everything.

Wishee
I’m glad I’m not royalty. I‘d rather decide for myself who I marry.

Twankey
You’re never awake long enough to get married.

Aladdin
I was hoping to marry Princess Lychee myself one day.

Wishee
But you’ve never even seen her, Aladdin.

Aladdin
I know, but I hear she’s very beautiful. And I’d risk anything to catch a glimpse of her.

Twankey
But everybody knows, it’s death for commoners to look upon the Princess.

Wishee
Royal walkabouts must be pretty quiet affairs then. Music cue 4:

Kung
(shouts off) Clear the streets! Clear the streets!

Twankey
It’s the royal party! We’d best scarper, quick!

All exit (USR) bar Aladdin who climbs back into the laundry basket unnoticed.

Kung and Foo enter (SL) brandishing their truncheons.

Foo
Look out! Look out!

Kung
Mind what you do!

Foo
Or the Chinese police will come for you!

Kung 
We’re the toughest coppers you’ll ever meet!

Foo
So hurry up and clear the street!

Kung
Our duties are conducted with rigorous pride!

Foo
And if you misbehave, you’ll be quick stir-fried!

Kung
My name’s Kung!

Foo
And my name’s Foo!

Kung & Foo
And we’ll give you a taste of the old one two! Music cue 5: (Kung-Fu style mock fight) After number ends…

Man runs on (SL)

Man 
Help! Police!

Kung
What seems to be the trouble, sir?

Man
I need to find a chemist, quick!

Foo
What for?

Man
A bee’s just stung me on the finger!

Foo
Which one?

Man
I don’t know, they all look alike to me!

Foo
Buzz off! (hits him with his truncheon)

Man staggers off (SR)

Woman 1 enters (SL)

Woman 1
Oh, officers.

Kung
Yes, madam?

Woman 1
Could you tell me the name of the road where Poundland is?

Foo
Oh, I know it like the back of my hand. (thinking hard) No don’t tell me, the name’s on the tip of my tongue.

Woman 1
Stick it out then.

Foo
What for?

Woman 1
So I can see the name of the road.

Kung
(prods her with his truncheon) On your way, missus.

Woman 1 exits (SR)

Woman 2 enters (SL)

Foo
(places a hand on Woman’s shoulder) Excuse me madam, but would you mind accompanying us to the station?

Woman 2
Whatever for officer?

Kung  
It’s in a rough area, and we’re frightened to go on our own.

Woman 2
(hits them with her handbag) Clear off, you big wusses! (exits SR)

Young Boy enters (SL) dressed in shorts.

Boy
(to Foo) Please sir, can you tell me where I can buy some long pants?

Foo
How long do you want them?

Boy
From October to March.

Kung
Who taught you to be cheeky?

Boy
No one, I’m self-taught.

Foo
Well here’s another lesson for you. (hits Boy on head with truncheon)

Boy
(wails) I’ll tell mum on you!

Foo
Well while you’re at it, tell her I’ll be late home for tea.

Boy
Yes, dad. (exits SR)

Grand Khazi enters (DSR)

Khazi
Make way for their Imperial Majesties! (to Kung & Foo) Clear the streets!

Kung & Foo
(shooing Citizens offstage) Clear off you lot!

Citizens exit (SL)

Music cue 6: The Emperor and Empress enter (DSR)

Empress
Where are our subjects?

Khazi
We’ve cleared them all from the streets as usual your majesty.

Emperor
Well bring them back at once! I have an important announcement to announce.

Khazi
Yes, your excellency. (shouts) Citizens of Peking, draw near and listen to your beloved Emperor!

Citizens re-enter (SL)

Emperor
Loyal objects I bring you good news! Princess Lychee is to be married tomorrow and the day will be a public holiday!

Citizens
Hooray!

Empress
But it will be unpaid.

Citizens
Boo!

Emperor
There will be a huge party in the palace grounds!

Citizens
Hooray!

Empress
But none of you are invited.

Citizens
Boo!

Emperor
The pubs will stay open all day!

Citizens
Hooray!

Empress
But we’ve doubled prices to pay for the royal wedding.

Citizens
Boo!

Emperor
Princess Lychee will be going on a royal walkabout!

Citizens
Hooray!

Empress
And I’m going shopping for some fabulous new designer outfits, expensive jewellery and celebrity-endorsed perfume.

Emperor
Boo!

Empress
(to Khazi) Princess Lychee’s entourage will be here soon, and no commoner must gaze upon her face. See to it Khazi.

Khazi
Yes, your excellency. (to Citizens) Clear the streets you rabble!

Citizen 1
(moans) ‘Clear the streets’. ‘Come back again’. I wish they’d make up their minds.

Citizen 2
Who does she think she is anyway?

Citizen 3
She’s the Grand Khazi.

Citizen 4
I thought she looked a bit…(mimes pulling a chain)…‘flush’. (laughs)

There is general murmuring amongst the Citizens. nbsp;

Empress
(to Emperor) The citizens are getting restless. Let’s leave before they turn ugly.

Khazi
They couldn’t get much uglier than they already are.

Emperor
Well we’re not taking any chances. (to Empress) Come dear.

The Emperor and Empress exit (SL)

Khazi
(to Kung & Foo) Clear all these commoners from the streets, immediately!

Kung & Foo
Right’o.

Kung and Foo draw their truncheons and herd the Citizens off (SL)

Kung & Foo
Clear the streets! Clear the streets!

Citizen
All right we’re going! (to audience) I don’t know, you can’t walk the streets these days without being hassled by the fuzz.

Citizens exit (SL) Followed by Kung and Foo and the Khazi.

Lychee
(shouts off) Hurry, Peekaboo!

Princess Lychee runs on (SR) followed by Peekaboo.

Peekaboo
(gasping) What’s all the rush, your highness?

Lychee
(looking around) Well I had hoped to get here before they cleared the streets, but it seems I’m too late. Oh Peekaboo, I’m so bored with being cooped up inside the palace. I never get to talk to anyone outside its walls.

Peekaboo
But you’re to be married to Won Hung Lo tomorrow, your highness. It wouldn’t be right for you to be seen talking to lots of strange people.

Lychee
I don’t want to talk to strange people – just normal ones. Anyway, I don’t even love Won Hung Lo. In fact, I believe he loves another and I think I know who.

Peekaboo
(innocently) Who your highness?

Lychee
Come-come Peekaboo, it’s obvious that you and Won Hung Lo love each other.

Peekaboo
(confesses) It’s true your highness. But I fear we can never be together. (cries)

Lychee
(comforting her) Don’t cry, Peekaboo. I’ll think of a way to get us out of this awful predicament.

Peekaboo
But how?

Lychee
I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll think of something. Now run along and touch up your make-up. You don’t want Won Hung Lo seeing you, with mascara running down your face.

Peekaboo
Yes, your highness (exits SR)

Aladdin throws back the basket lid and stands up.

Aladdin
Hello Princess!

Lychee
(startled) Oh!

Aladdin
(climbing out of the basket) I’m sorry your highness, I didn’t mean to startle you.

Lychee
Who are you? And what are you doing hiding in that basket?

Aladdin
My name’s Aladdin. And I hid in there, to find out if you really are as beautiful as everyone says.

Lychee
I see. (curious) And…?

Aladdin
And you’re not.

Lychee
(disappointed) Oh!

Aladdin
You’re much more beautiful.

Lychee
You flatter me Aladdin, but you have taken a great risk. If you’re caught, my father will have you executed.

Aladdin
It was worth the risk.

Lychee
Aren’t you afraid of death?

Aladdin
(boldly) I’m afraid of nothing. Well, except for mother when she’s on the warpath.

Lychee
Oh Aladdin, it’s so nice to meet a real person for a change.

Aladdin
Is it true that you’re about to be married, your highness?

Lychee
It’s true that my father is forcing me to marry someone I don’t love.

Aladdin
No one should be forced to marry against their will. Why I would climb mountains, swim oceans and scale the highest walls, for the girl I love.

Lychee
(sighs) How romantic. I wish I could meet someone who would do all that for me

Aladdin
Maybe you just have, Princess.

Lychee
You mean…?

Aladdin
Do you believe in love at first sight, Lychee?

Lychee
I didn’t…until now. Music cue 7: Lychee and Aladdin. After song ends…

Police whistles are heard offstage.

Lychee
You must leave, Aladdin! You risk your life being here!

Aladdin
I’d risk anything to be with you Lychee. If it weren’t for the fact that I’m incredibly poor, I would ask for your hand in marriage right now.

Lychee
And I would gladly accept. But my father won’t allow me to marry anyone who is not, fabulously wealthy.

Aladdin
Then I will go, make my fortune…(slaps thigh)…and then return for you.

Louder police whistles are heard offstage.

Lychee
(looks to wing) Hurry, Aladdin! They’re almost here!

Aladdin
(walks slowly backwards to DSR) Farewell Lychee, I shall return when I am fabulously wealthy.

Kung and Foo enter (SL) blowing their police whistles.

Kung 
Stop in the name of the law!

Foo
(to Aladdin) You’re under arrest for gazing upon the Princess’s face!

Aladdin
And very nice it was too.

Kung & Foo
Get him!

Aladdin turns and runs off (SR) chased by Kung and Foo.

Lychee
(shouts) Run Aladdin! (runs off after them)