SCENE ONE
OUTSIDE TWANKEY’S LAUNDRETTE
Twankey’s Laundrette is [USR] a large laundry basket stands outside. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [USL]
Enter Widow Twankey [SL] singing.
TWANKEY: #Keep young and beautiful. It’s my duty to be beautiful…# Oh, hello! If I’d known we had visitors, I’d have worn my best frock. Who am I kidding? This is my best frock. I’m so poor I get parcels from Oxfam. I tried supplementing my income by taking a job as a contortionist, but I still couldn’t make ends meet. Hands up if you got that one. You’re a mucky-minded lot, aren’t you? I’m Widow Twankey, and I run this laundrette with my two sons, Aladdin and Wishee Washee. Whenever they feel like showing up, that is.
Enter Wishee from laundrette.
WISHEE: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Wishee Washee! Who wants to be in my gang? Great! Here’s how it works. Whenever I enter and shout, ‘wotcha gang’! You all shoutback, ‘wotcha Wishee’! Okay? Let’s have a practice. [exits and re-enters] Wotcha gang! Have they all gone home, Mum?
TWANKEY: They might as well, Wishee, because it doesn’t get any better.
WISHEE: Let’s try it again. Wotcha, gang! Well done, that was much better.
TWANKEY: Anyway, what time do you call this, Wishee?
WISHEE: Breakfast time?
TWANKEY: Try lunchtime.
WISHEE: Sorry, Mum, I overslept.
TWANKEY: You sleep more than a catatonic cat on catnip. But now you’re here, you can come food shopping with me.
WISHEE: Huh! All you ever buy is baked beans and sprouts because we’re so poor. I should eat a balanced diet, Mum.
TWANKEY: You do eat a balanced diet, Wishee.
WISHEE: How do you make that out, Mum?
TWANKEY: The sprouts on your plate weigh exactly the same as the baked beans.
WISHEE: If it weren’t for the musical evenings our diet provided, life could get boring.
TWANKEY: Stop complaining and let’s go.
WISHEE: But I haven’t even had breakfast yet!
TWANKEY: I’ll buy us lunch at that new Chinese-Italian place. Gino’s Hot Wok Pasta Bar.
WISHEE: Forget it, Mum. I tried it once and came out hungrier than when I went in.
TWANKEY: How come?
WISHEE: Have you ever tried eating spaghetti using chopsticks? I nearly ended up knitting myself a scarf.
Enter Aladdin at a run [SL]
ALADDIN: Help! I’m being chased by a lunatic! I need to hide somewhere, quick!
WISHEE: [opens lid] Hide in the laundry basket, Aladdin!
ALADDIN: Thanks, Wishee! [climbs inside basket and shuts lid]
Enter Chorus Member at a run [SL]
CHORUS M: Where is Aladdin?
TWANKEY: What do you want him for?
CHORUS M: I asked him to mind my stall, and when I returned, he’d sold everything for a grand total of fifty pence!
TWANKEY: We haven’t seen him all morning; have we, boys and girls?
CHORUS M: I’ll find him if it’s the last thing I do! [exits SR]
WISHEE: [lifts basket lid] You can come out now, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: [climbing out] That was a close call.
TWANKEY: What have you been up to now, Aladdin?
ALADDIN: Bogof!
TWANKEY: I only asked!
WISHEE: Bogof means, buy one, get one free, Mum.
ALADDIN: That’s right, Wishee. But I got a bit confused and put up a sign that said, buy one, get the rest free.
TWANKEY: If only you still had the brains you were born with, Aladdin.
Enter Chorus [SL] chattering excitedly.
WISHEE: What’s all the excitement about?
CHORUS 1: Princess Lychee is coming to Peking for a spot of royal shopping!
CHORUS 2: We heard she’s looking for a wedding dress.
ALADDIN: [shocked] The Princess is getting married!
WISHEE: Hard luck, Aladdin. Never mind there are plenty more fish in the sea.
TWANKEY: He never stood a chance there, Wishee. So, who’s the Princess marrying?
CHORUS 3: Won Hung Lo!
TWANKEY: I know. [adjusts bosom] I could do with those ones that lift and separate.
CHORUS 4: He’s the son of the Grand Khazi.
ALADDIN: Lychee can’t marry him!
CHORUS 5: She has no choice. Her father, the Emperor, is arranging everything.
WISHEE: I’m glad I’m not royalty. I’d rather decide for myself who I marry.
TWANKEY: You’re never awake long enough to get married, Wishee.
ALADDIN: I’d always hoped to marry Princess Lychee, one day.
WISHEE: But you’ve never even seen her, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: I know that, but I’ve heard she’s the most beautiful girl in all of China.
TWANKEY: Everyone knows it’s death for commoners to look upon the Princess.
WISHEE: Royal walkabouts must be quiet affairs.
ALADDIN: I’d risk anything to see Princess Lychee. Music cue 4:
KUNG & FU: [off] Clear the streets on pain of death!
WISHEE: It sounds like the royal party’s arriving!
TWANKEY: We’d better scarper, boys.
Exit Wishee and Twankey inside, but Aladdin lingers. He climbs inside the laundry basket and shuts the lid.
Music cue 5: Enter Kung and Fu [SL] brandishing truncheons.
FU: Look out, look out!
KUNG: Mind what you do!
FU: Or the Peking police will come for you!
KUNG: Our duties are conducted with rigorous pride!
FU: And if you misbehave, you’ll be quick stir-fried!
KUNG: My name’s Kung!
FU: And my name’s Fu!
KUNG & FU: And we’ll give you a taste of the old one two! Music cue 6: [mock fighting]
