Scene One
The Town Square In Old Peking
Twankey’s laundrette is (USR) a laundry basket stands outside. Music cue 3: Citizens. After song ends…Citizens exit (USL) Widow Twankey enters (DSL) carrying a shopping bag and singing.
Twankey
#Keep young and beautiful, it’s my duty to be beautiful…# (sees audience) Oh, hello! If I’d known we had visitors, I’d have worn my best frock. What am I saying? This is my best frock. My family’s that poor we get clothes parcels from Oxfam. (elicit sympathy) We’re poorer than that. (response) I tried supplementing my income by taking a job as a contortionist, but I still couldn’t make ends meet. Allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Widow Twankey and I run this here laundrette with my sons, Aladdin and Wishee Washee. Wishee was supposed to be helping me fetch the shopping this morning. I don’t know where he is, but I wish he would hurry up. Wishee would hurry up? (laughs) I made a little joke there. Pity you missed it.
Wishee Washee walks on (SR) scratching his head and yawning.
Wishee
(to Twankey) Hi, mum.
Twankey
What time do you call this, Wishee?
Wishee
Breakfast time?
Twankey
Try lunchtime.
Wishee
Sorry mum, I overslept.
Twankey
You sleep more than a catatonic cat on tranquillisers.
Wishee
(to audience) Hiya boys and girls! Hey, do you wanna be in my gang? (response) Great. Now every time I come on, I’ll shout ‘wotcha gang’, and I want you to shout back wotcha Wishee! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Wotcha, gang! (response) Have they all gone home, mum?
Twankey
No, but they might as well, ‘cos it doesn’t get any better.
Wishee
Let’s try it again. (exits and re-enters) Wotcha, gang! (response) Brilliant! (pointing) What’s in the bag, mum?
Twankey
It’s my new frock. I got it in the 50% off sale at Primark. (takes out half a frock) Now I just need to find a shop that’s selling the other 50%. Now that you’re here Wishee, you can help me fetch the shopping.
Wishee
Huh! We’re that poor, all you ever buy is baked beans and sprouts. If it wasn’t for the musical evenings our diet provided, life could get really boring around here. According to Jamie Oliver, I should be eating a balanced diet.
Twankey
You do eat a balanced diet.
Wishee
How do you make that out?
Twankey
The sprouts on your plate weigh the same as the beans. Now let’s go.
Wishee
But I haven’t had breakfast yet.
Twankey
I’ll buy us lunch at that new Chinese-Italian restaurant. Gino’s Hot Wok Pasta Bar.
Wishee
Forget it, mum. I went there once, and came out hungrier than when I went in.
Twankey
How come?
Wishee
Have you ever tried eating spaghetti with chopsticks? I nearly ended up knitting myself a scarf.
Aladdin runs on (SL)
Aladdin
Help! I’m being chased by a lunatic!
Wishee
Quick, Aladdin. Hide in the laundry basket!
Aladdin
Thanks Wishee. (climbs inside the laundry basket)
An angry Merchant runs on (SL)
Merchant
(to Wishee) Where’s that useless brother of yours?
Wishee
What do you want with him?
Merchant
I asked him to look after my stall. And when I returned, the stall was empty and there was only fifty pence in the till!
Twankey
Well he isn’t here.
Merchant
I’ll catch him if it’s the last thing I do. (exits SR)
Wishee
(lifts basket lid) You can come out now.
Aladdin
(climbing out) That was close.
Twankey
What have you been up to this time, Aladdin?
Aladdin
Bogof!
Twankey
How dare you speak to your mother like that!
Aladdin
It means buy one get one free, mum.
Aladdin
Correct, Wishee. The stallholder asked me to sell everything as buy one get one free. But I got a bit confused, and put up a sign saying, ‘buy one get the rest free’.
Twankey
If only you still had the brains you were born with, Aladdin.
A Chorus of Citizens rush on (SL) chattering excitedly.
Wishee
What’s all the excitement?
Chorus 1
Haven’t you heard?
Wishee
Not much, since the last time mother shouted in my ear.
Chorus 2
Princess Lychee is coming to Peking for a spot of royal shopping.
Chorus 3
I’ve heard that she’s looking for a wedding dress.
Aladdin
(aghast) The Princess is getting married!
Wishee
Bad luck, bruv. I know you had a thing for her.
Twankey
He never stood a chance there. (to Chorus) Who’s she marrying?
Chorus 4
Won Hung Lo!
Twankey
I know. (adjusts her bosom) I could do with those one’s that lift and separate.
Chorus 5
He’s the son of the Grand Khazi.
Aladdin
She can’t marry him!
Chorus 1
She has no choice.
Chorus 2
Her parents have arranged everything.
Wishee
I’m glad I’m not royalty. I‘d rather decide for myself who I marry.
Twankey
You’re never awake long enough to get married.
Aladdin
I was hoping to marry Princess Lychee myself one day.
Wishee
But you’ve never even seen her, Aladdin.
Aladdin
I know, but I’ve heard that she’s beautiful. And I’d risk anything to catch a glimpse of her.
Twankey
Everybody knows it’s death for commoners to look upon the Princess.
Wishee
Royal walkabouts must be pretty quiet affairs then. Music cue 4:
Kung
(shouts off) Clear the streets! Clear the streets!
Twankey
It’s the royal party! We’d best scarper, quick!
All exit (USR) bar Aladdin who climbs back into the laundry basket unnoticed. Kung and Fu enter (SL) brandishing their truncheons.
Fu
Look out! Look out!
Kung
Mind what you do!
Fu
Or the Chinese police will come for you!
Kung
We’re the toughest coppers you’ll ever meet!
Fu
So hurry up and clear the street!
Kung
Our duties are conducted with rigorous pride!
Fu
And if you misbehave, you’ll be quick stir-fried!
Kung
My name’s Kung!
Fu
And my name’s Fu!
Kung & Fu
And we’ll give you a taste of the old one two! Music cue 5: (Kung-Fu style mock fight) After number ends…
Man runs on (SL)
Man
Help! Police!
Kung
What seems to be the trouble, sir?
Man
I need to find a chemist, quick!
Fu
What for?
Man
A bee has just stung me on the finger!
Fu
Which one?
Man
I don’t know, they all look alike to me!
Fu
Buzz off! (hits him with his truncheon)
Man staggers off (SR) Woman 1 enters (SL)
Woman 1
Oh, officers.
Kung
Yes, madam?
Woman 1
Could you tell me the name of the road where Poundland is?
Fu
(thinking hard) Oh, I know it like the back of my hand. No don’t tell me, the name’s on the tip of my tongue.
Woman 1
Stick it out then.
Fu
What for?
Woman 1
So I can see the name of the road.
Kung
(prods her with his truncheon) On your way, missus.
Woman 1 exits (SR) Woman 2 enters (SL)
Fu
(places a hand on Woman’s shoulder) Excuse me madam, but would you mind accompanying us to the station?
Woman 2
Whatever for officer?
Kung
It’s in a rough area, and we’re frightened to go on our own.
Woman 2
(handbags them) You big wusses! (exits SR)
Young Boy enters (SL) dressed in shorts.
Boy
(to Fu) Please sir, can you tell me where I can buy some long pants?
Fu
How long do you want them?
Boy
From October to March.
Kung
Who taught you to be so cheeky?
Boy
Nobody. I’m self-taught.
Fu
Well here’s another lesson for you. (hits Boy on head with truncheon)
Boy
(wails) I’ll tell mum on you!
Fu
Fine! And while you’re at it, tell her I’ll be late home for tea.
Boy
Yes, dad. (exits SR)
Grand Khazi enters (DSR)
Khazi
Make way for their Imperial Majesties! (to Kung & Fu) Clear the streets!
Kung & Fu
(shooing Citizens offstage) Clear off you lot!
Citizens exit (SL) Music cue 6: The Emperor and Empress enter (DSR)
Empress
Where are our subjects?
Khazi
We’ve cleared them all from the streets as usual, your majesty.
Emperor
Well bring them back at once! I have an important announcement to announce.
Khazi
Yes, your excellency. (shouts) Citizens of Peking, draw near and hear your beloved Emperor!
Citizens re-enter (SL)
Emperor
Loyal objects I bring you good news! Princess Lychee is to be married tomorrow and the day will be a public holiday!
Citizens
Hooray!
Empress
But it will be unpaid.
Citizens
Boo!
Emperor
There will be a huge party in the palace grounds!
Citizens
Hooray!
Empress
But none of you are invited.
Citizens
Boo!
Emperor
The pubs will stay open all day!
Citizens
Hooray!
Empress
But we’ve doubled prices to pay for the royal wedding.
Citizens
Boo!
Emperor
Princess Lychee will be going on a royal walkabout!
Citizens
Hooray!
Empress
And I’m going shopping for some fabulous new designer clothes, expensive jewellery and celebrity-endorsed perfume.
Emperor
Boo!
Empress
Princess Lychee’s entourage will be here soon, and no commoner must gaze upon her face. See to it Khazi.
Khazi
Yes, your excellency. (to Citizens) Clear the streets you rabble!
Citizen 1
I wish they’d make up their minds.
Citizen 2
Who does she think she is anyway?
Citizen 3
She’s the Grand Khazi.
Citizen 4
I thought she looked a bit…(mimes pulling a chain)…flush. (laughs)
General murmuring amongst the Citizens.
Empress
(to Emperor) The crowd is getting restless, dear. Let’s leave before they turn ugly.
Khazi
They couldn’t get much uglier than they already are, your majesty.
Emperor
We’re not taking any chances. (to Empress) Come along dear.
The Emperor and Empress exit (SL)
Khazi
(to Kung & Fu) Clear all these commoners from the streets, immediately!
Kung & Fu
Righto.
Kung and Fu draw their truncheons and herd the Citizens off (SL)
Kung & Fu
Clear the streets! Clear the streets!
Citizen 1
All right we’re going!
Citizen 2
Talk about police harassment.
Citizens exit (SL) Followed by Kung and Fu and the Khazi.
Lychee
(shouts off) Hurry, Peekaboo!
Princess Lychee runs on (SR) followed by Peekaboo.
Peekaboo
What’s all the rush, your highness?
Lychee
I had hoped to get here before they cleared the streets, but it seems I’m too late. Oh Peekaboo, I’m so bored with being cooped up inside the palace. I never get to talk to anyone outside its walls.
Peekaboo
Your highness is getting married tomorrow. It wouldn’t be right for you to be seen talking to lots of strange people.
Lychee
I don’t want to talk to strange people Peekaboo. Just normal ones. Anyway, I don’t even love Won Hung Lo. In fact, I believe he loves another, and I think I know who.
Peekaboo
(innocently) Who your highness?
Lychee
Come-come Peekaboo, it’s obvious that you and Won Hung Lo love each other.
Peekaboo
It’s true your highness. But I fear we can never be together. (cries)
Lychee
Don’t cry, Peekaboo. I’ll think of a way to get us out of this awful predicament.
Peekaboo
But how?
Lychee
I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll think of something. Now run along and touch up your make-up. You don’t want Won Hung Lo seeing you, with mascara running all down your face.
Peekaboo
Yes, your highness (exits SR)
Aladdin throws back the basket lid and stands up.
Aladdin
Hello Princess!
Lychee
(startled) Oh!
Aladdin
(climbing out) I’m sorry your highness, I didn’t mean to startle you.
Lychee
Who are you? And what are you doing hiding in that basket?
Aladdin
My name’s Aladdin. And I hid in there, to find out if you really are as beautiful as everybody says.
Lychee
I see. (curious) And…?
Aladdin
And you’re not.
Lychee
(disappointed) Oh!
Aladdin
You’re much more beautiful.
Lychee
You flatter me Aladdin, but you have taken a great risk. If you’re caught, my father will have you executed.
Aladdin
It was worth the risk.
Lychee
Aren’t you afraid of death?
Aladdin
(boldly) I’m afraid of nothing. Apart from my mother, when she’s on the warpath.
Lychee
Oh Aladdin, it’s so nice to meet a real person for a change.
Aladdin
Is it true that you’re about to be married, your highness?
Lychee
It’s true that my parents are forcing me to marry someone I don’t love.
Aladdin
Nobody should be forced to marry against their will. Why, I would climb mountains, swim oceans and scale the highest walls for the girl I love.
Lychee
(sighs) How romantic. I wish I could meet someone who would do all that for me
Aladdin
Perhaps you just have, Princess.
Lychee
You mean…?
Aladdin
Do you believe in love at first sight, Lychee?
Lychee
I didn’t…until now. Music cue 7: Lychee and Aladdin. After song ends…Police whistles are heard offstage.
Lychee
You must leave, Aladdin! You risk your life being here!
Aladdin
I’d risk anything to be with you Lychee. If it wasn’t for the fact that we’ve only just met, and I am incredibly poor. I would ask for your hand in marriage right now.
Lychee
And I would gladly accept. But my father won’t allow me to marry anyone who is not, fabulously wealthy.
Aladdin
Then I will go make my fortune and then return for you.
More police whistles are heard.
Lychee
(looks to wing) Hurry, Aladdin! They’re almost here!
Aladdin
(walks slowly backwards to DSR) Farewell Lychee, I shall return when I am fabulously wealthy.
Kung and Fu enter (SL) blowing their police whistles.
Kung
Stop in the name of the law!
Fu
(to Aladdin) You’re under arrest for gazing upon the Princess’s face!
Aladdin
And very nice it was too.
Kung & Fu
Get him!
Aladdin turns and runs off (SR) chased by Kung and Fu.
Lychee
(shouts) Run Aladdin! (runs off after them)
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