Aladdin Version 1 (Perusal)

Scene One

Outside Twankey’s Laundrette In Peking Square

Music cue 1: Laundry Workers. After song ends…All exit (SR)

Wishey enters (DSL) dragging on a laundry basket.

Wishey
(to audience) Hiya boys and girls. My name’s Wishey Washey and I work right here, in Twankey’s Laundrette. Although I sometimes feel as though I’m the only one who does. My brother Aladdin is more interested in chasing girls, than profits. And mum spends more time seeking suitors, than pressing suits. I’m sick and tired of doing all the work. So I’ve bought myself a high-tech time and motion machine. It’ll record everybody’s movements throughout the show, and prove who does most the work around here. I’ll just go and fetch it in. (exits and returns with the machine) Now this is a very expensive piece of kit, and I don’t want anyone messing with it. So I could do with someone keeping an eye on it for me. ‘Ere! Would you all keep an eye on it for me? (audience respond) Thanks! (places machine DSR in front of main curtains) If you see anybody going near it, just shout ‘red-alert’ and see what happens.

Foo Yung enters (USL)

Foo Yung
(brightly) Good morning Wishey.

Wishey
Hiya Foo Yung.

Foo Yung
(looking around) Is Aladdin about?

Wishey
No, he’s probably skiving usual.

Aladdin rushes on (DSL)

Aladdin
(panicking) Quick Wishey! Hide me!

Wishey
Who’s after you this time Aladdin? A furious father? A mortified mother? Or some girl you promised the earth, and gave the elbow?

Aladdin
It’s the police!

Wishey
The police! What on earth have you been up to Aladdin?

Aladdin
I haven’t got time to explain, they’ll be here at any minute!

SFX: Police whistle.

Wishey
Quick Aladdin, hide in the laundry basket! (holds open the basket lid)

Aladdin
Thanks, Wishey! (climbs inside the laundry basket and shuts the lid)

Ping and Pong run on (DSL) blowing their whistles.

Wishey
Eh-up! It’s Ping and Pong, the wrong arm of the law.

Pong
(to Wishey) Have you seen your brother, Aladdin?

Wishey
Of course I’ve seen him. We live in the same house.

Pong
I meant, in the past five minutes.

Wishey
No I haven’t. What do you want with him anyway?

Ping
He insulted a police officer.

Foo Yung
You ought to be used to that by now.

Wishey
How exactly did he insult you?

Ping
He asked me the time. And when I suggested he buy a watch, he suggested I ‘go boil my head’.

Wishey
I see you took his advice then.

Foo Yung
But, I thought you could ask a policeman anything.

Pong
You can.

Foo Yung
Then perhaps you can tell me how to stop that man canoodeling with his girlfriend, underneath my window every night.

Pong
Certainly. Just go up and poke him in the ribs and say, ‘excuse me sir but isn’t that your wife coming up the road’?

Foo Yung
Will that make him stop?

Pong
Well it certainly stopped me. (laughs)

Wishey
I didn’t realise the police had a sense of humour.

Pong
Oh yes, constable Ping will back me up on that.

Ping
She was only a constable’s daughter, but she let the chief inspector. Ha-ha-ha!

Foo Yung
Telling old jokes like that, ought to be a criminal offence.

Pong
(to Ping) Maybe Aladdin is hiding in that laundry basket.

Ping
I’d better check. (goes to lift basket lid)

Wishey
(holding the lid down) Oh, you don’t want to look in there.

Ping
(suspicious) Why not?

Wishey
It’s full of stinky old laundry.

Pong
It sounds like you have something to hide.

Wishey
(innocently) Not me officer. I’m as honest as the day is long.

Ping
Yes, and the nights are drawing in. (to Pong) Open the basket, constable Pong.

Wishey
You’ll be sorry.

Pong
(lifts basket lid) Phwoar! (slams lid shut) What a pong, Ping! It smells like a student’s bedsit. (to Ping) Anyone hiding in there, would be dead within seconds.

Ping
(to Wishey) We’re going now. And when see Aladdin, tell him we’re after him.

Pong
And we always get our man.

Ping
(to Pong) Let’s go, or we’ll be late for escorting the Princess Jasmine.

Pong
(spots Wishey’s machine) Ello-ello-ello! What’s this ‘ere then? (goes over and touches the machine)

Audience
Red-alert! Red-alert!

Machine
Warning! Warning! Unauthorised handling! This unit will self-destruct in ten seconds! Nine…eight…seven…

Pong
(turns to Ping) Run, Ping!

Ping and Pong turn and run off (SL)

Machine
…six…five…

Foo Yung
(panicking) Run Wishey!

Wishey
(reassuring) It’s all right Foo Yung, it’s just a safety device to stop people messing about with it. It’ll reset itself in a minute.

Machine
Unit resetting!

Wishey
What did I tell you. (lifts the basket lid) You can come out now Aladdin.

Aladdin
(climbs out wearing a large clothes peg on his nose) Phew! What a stink! Luckily I found this clothes peg. (removes peg)

Wishey
Where were you this morning, Aladdin? You were supposed to help me fetch this laundry from Peking Monastery. I’ve had to drag it halfway across Peking on my own.

Aladdin
I sometimes wish mother didn’t have a contract with those monks.

Foo Yung
Why not?

Aladdin
They have some very dirty habits.

Wishey
Well if it’s not done by the time she gets back, she’ll blow her top. And she’s got plenty of top to blow, believe you me.

Foo Yung
You worry too much Wishey.

Wishey
Well not anymore.

Aladdin
(slaps him on the back) That’s the spirit, Wishey!

Wishey
(slumps shoulders) I’m too tired to worry.

Laundry Workers enter.

Aladdin
The girls will help you get the washing done. (to Workers) Won’t you girls?

Workers
’Course we will!

Wishey
Thanks girls. I’ll just have a five minutes, first. I’m cream-crackered. (goes to slouch against the laundry basket)

Worker 1
(urging them to get working – claps hands) Move it girls!

Workers move the laundry basket and Wishey falls on his back.

Wishey
Owah!

Workers
(gather round him concerned) Wishey!

Wishey
(rubbing his head) I’ve bashed me bonce.

Aladdin
I’d better check he’s all right. What’s three times three, Wishey?

Wishey
Erm…eleven?

Foo Yung
He’s fine. (helps Wishey up)

Workers leave the basket and exit, arguing over whose fault it was.

Wishey
Thanks, Foo Yung.

Aladdin
(pointing to Wishey’s machine) What’s that thing, Wishey?

Wishey
It’s my automatic monitoring machine.

Aladdin
What’s it monitoring?

Wishey
You for a start. (sighs) If only I could win the lottery, then I wouldn’t have to do this job anymore. It’s horrible having to go through other people’s smalls. Not to mention their not so smalls.

Foo Yung
Cheer up Wishey, things could be worse.

Wishey
How?

Foo Yung
The washing machine could break down.

Wishey
Oh don’t jinx it, Foo Yung, I don’t fancy doing people’s unmentionables by hand.

Twankey
(off) Yoo-hoo! I’m hooome!

Wishey
Speaking of ‘unmentionables’.

Twankey enters (USL) carrying several large boxes of soap-powder.

Twankey
(moving DSC) Here we are again, another day up to washing in my dirty armpits…I mean, up to my armpits in dirty washing. (to audience) Oh, hello! I didn’t see you all there, sitting on your fortune cookies. What a morning it’s been. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Me Feng Shui’s all over the place and me Yin and Yang has gone to pot. I’ve had a very trying day you know. The butcher tried, the baker tried, the milkman tried. I sometimes feel as though I’m living in a soap opera.

Foo Yung
You mean you’re all washed up?

Twankey
Watch it, or I’ll give you a good lathering. All I want is a man to pick me up, whirl me round and drain me dry.

Wishey
You don’t want a man; you want a spin-drier.

Abanazer enters (DSL)

Foo Yung
Ey-up, it’s Darth Vader!

Wishey
(to Abanazer) If you’re searching for the dark side, you’re way off course.

Aladdin

(to Abanazer) Can we help you, sir?

Abanazer
I’m looking for Widow Twankey’s establishment.

Twankey
This is Twankey’s, world famous, textile rejuvenating, and cleansing emporium.

Abanazer
You mean it’s a laundrette?

Twankey
Yes and I’m the proprietor. What can I do for you Mr…?

Abanazer
Abanazer.

Twankey
What can I do for you Mr Ebeneezer?

Abanazer
I’m looking for your son, Aladdin.

Aladdin goes to speak, but Twankey quickly clamps her hand over his mouth.

Twankey
He’s not in trouble is he? Only I warned him against climbing the palace walls, to try and cop a look at Princess Jasmine.

Abanazer
Doesn’t he realise it’s death, for commoners to look upon the Princess?

Twankey
Me and my big gob. (pleading) Oh please don’t drag him off to prison, Mr Bonanza!

Abanazer
But I’m…

Twankey
…Give him another chance…please!

Abanazer
I’m not …

Twankey
…Oh you must! My sons are all I have left, ever since my husband was dragged off
by the Kurds.

Abanazer
Shut up you old fool!

Aladdin
How dare you speak to my mum like that!

Abanazer
Who are you boy?

Aladdin
I’m Aladdin. Now apologise or I’ll deal with you myself.

Abanazer
Careful boy! I am a practitioner, of the black arts.

Twankey
Really? I’m a medium myself.

Abanazer
Says who?

Twankey
Says the label, on my knickers. I’ve even had an out-of-body experience.

Abanazer
(aside to audience) With body like hers, I’d be glad to get out of it.

Aladdin
(to Abanazer) Anyway, you don’t scare me.

Abanazer
Then what I’ve heard is true.

Twankey
(worried) Why, what have you heard?

Abanazer
That Aladdin is amongst the bravest of the Emperor’s subjects.

Aladdin
Flattery will get you nowhere.

Abanazer
So you don’t want the opportunity to earn a fortune, for yourself and your poor family?

All
Fortune!?

Abanazer
Yes. I was about to offer Aladdin the chance to obtain more riches, than you could ever imagine.

Aladdin
(sceptical) And what would I have to do, to ‘obtain’ all these riches?

Abanazer
Nothing much. Just fetch me an old lamp.

Foo Yung
Is that all?

Abanazer
Yes.

Twankey
(excited) There’s one under the kitchen sink Aladdin, fetch it out here quick!

Aladdin
Yes, mum. (goes to leave)

Abanazer
(stops Aladdin) No! The lamp I require lies hidden in a cave, deep within the forbidden mountains.

Aladdin
And why do you want this old lamp?

Abanazer
Old things hold a fascination for me.

Twankey
(grabs Abanazer by the arm) Really? Tell me more, Mr Alabama.

Abanazer
(pushing her away) I’m into antiques! Not antiquities.

Wishey
Why can’t you fetch the lamp yourself?

Abanazer
The cave opening is too small for me to enter. And the one who enters must be brave. For it is deep, dark and dangerous.

Twankey
Oooh. (to Aladdin) I don’t like the sound of that, Aladdin.

Abanazer
Don’t worry. I will see that Aladdin comes to no harm. Music cue 2: What was that?

Foo Yung
(looking off SR) It’s Princess Jasmine’s entourage, returning to the palace.

Abanazer
In that case, I will bid you all good day. (turns to exit)

Aladdin
But what about the lamp?

Abanazer
(turns) We shall meet again, Aladdin. (exits SL)

Wishey
We’d better leave too, before the royal party arrives.

Aladdin
But I want to stay here and see Princess Jasmine.

Twankey
Don’t be daft Aladdin. It’s certain death for anyone to clap eyes on the Princess.

Wishey
She can’t be that ugly, surely.

Foo Yung
I’ve heard that she’s the most beautiful girl, in the whole of China.

Wishey
Why can’t we look at the Princess, anyway?

Twankey
Ours is not to reason why. Ours is but to scarper or die.

Aladdin
Well I’m staying put.

Foo Yung
You’re willing to risk death, just to see the Princess?

Aladdin
I like living dangerously, Wishey. Music cue 3:

Twankey
Don’t even think about it, Aladdin.

Tiger Lily
(shouts off) Clear the streets on pain of death!

Wishey, Twankey and Foo Yung all look (SR) Aladdin climbs into the basket unseen and closes the lid.

Wishey
The Princess’s litter is coming along…(local road)

Twankey
Let’s get out of here, quick!

Wishey
(looks around) Where’s Aladdin?

Foo Yung
He must have scarpered.

Twankey
Then let’s do the same.

Foo Yung
What about the laundry basket?

Twankey
We’ll fetch it later.

All exit (DSL) Tiger Lily enters (DSR)

Tiger Lily
Clear the streets on pain of death!

Ping and Pong enter (DSR) sweeping the floor.

Tiger Lily
(to Ping & Pong) What are you doing?

Ping
Clearing the streets like you asked.

Tiger Lily
I didn’t mean cleared of rubbish! I meant cleared of people!

Pong
In that case we’ll need bigger brushes.

Tiger Lily
Let me explain. (jabs a finger to the side of Pong’s head)

Pong
(reacts as though being poked in the eye) Owah!

Tiger Lily
Now do you see?

Pong
(holding a hand over his eye) Yes, but only half as good as I used to.

Slave-Bearers carry Princess Jasmine’s litter on (DSR)

Jasmine
Stop!

The litter stops (DSC) The curtain is drawn aside and Jasmine steps out.

Tiger Lily
We can’t stop here your highness!

Jasmine
Why not?

Tiger Lily
This side of town is decidedly…(pulls a face)…seedy.

Jasmine
It looks all right to me.

Tiger Lily
But it’s full of…(pulls a face)…common people, your highness.

Jasmine
Don’t be such a snob, Tiger Lily.

Ping and Pong move around stage checking for danger.

Tiger Lily
Your highness must conceal herself in the litter at all times.

Pong 
You can’t expect the Princess to hide in a pile of rubbish!

Tiger Lily
Not rubbish you, idiot! Litter!

Ping
I thought litter was, rubbish?

Tiger Lily
Let me explain.

Ping
(moves away) No fear. It always hurts when you explain things.

Tiger Lily
(looking around the auditorium) I don’t like the look of this place your highness

Jasmine
Well I know it’s not the London Palladium, but it’s still quite nice. (realises) Oh, I see what you mean.  Don’t worry, we have PC’s Ping and Pong to look after us.

Tiger Lily
I wouldn’t trust them to look after a hole in the ground.

Jasmine
They’re highly trained professionals.

Tiger Lily
Give over. They make Wayne Rooney…(or other person)…seem intelligent.

Jasmine
(pleads) Please, Tiger Lily. I only want to have a quick look around.

Tiger Lily
But the Emperor will have my head, if he finds out I let you to stop here.

Jasmine
But he won’t find out, will he.

Tiger Lily
I wouldn’t be so sure your highness. Your father has many spies.

Pong
Oh, I love mince pies.

Ping
Me too. (rubbing his tummy) With lots of lovely custard.

Tiger Lily
I said ‘many spies’ not ‘mince pies’!  Now go ahead and make sure the streets are cleared.

Ping/Pong
Right’o.

Ping and Pong exit (SL)

Jasmine
The journey has made me thirsty, Tiger Lily. Fetch me a bottle of water from that corner shop we just passed, please.

Tiger Lily
Yes, your highness. Now stay there and don’t move, until I get back. (exits SR)

Jasmine
(to Bearers) Go with her.

Bearers follow Tiger Lily off (SR)

Aladdin raises the basket lid slightly and peers out.

Jasmine
I’ll just sit here until they return. (sits on basket)

Aladdin
Owah!

Jasmine
(jumps off the basket) Who’s there?

Aladdin
(raises the basket lid slightly) Aladdin.

Jasmine
Aladdin who?

Aladdin
A lad in a basket.

Jasmine
Reveal yourself at once, or I shall call my guards.

Aladdin
(throws back the basket lid and jumps up) Greetings, your highness!

Jasmine
(moves back startled) Oh, my!

Aladdin
(climbs out) Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.

Jasmine
Why were you hiding in there?

Aladdin
I was hoping to see you.

Jasmine
From inside a laundry basket?

Aladdin
Well everybody knows it’s death, for commoners to look upon the royal Princess. So I hid in there to try and catch a glimpse of you, as you passed by.

Jasmine
And was it worth risking your life to see me, Aladdin?

Aladdin
(smitten) Oh yes, your highness.

Jasmine
(falling for his charms) Please call me ‘Jasmine’.

Aladdin
Why did you stop here today your high…I mean, Jasmine?

Jasmine
Whenever I’m out and about. All I ever get to see, is the inside of my litter. And when I’m not cooped up in that, I’m cooped up in the palace. I couldn’t stand it any longer. So today, I decided to get out and have a look around.

Aladdin
I’ve always dreamed of what it must be like, living in a palace.

Jasmine
It isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, Aladdin. I’d give anything to be like you.

Aladdin
You mean, poor?

Jasmine
You might be poor, but at least you’re free to come and go as you please. Unlike me.

Tiger Lily enters carrying a bottle of water – followed by the Bearers.

Tiger Lily
Here we are your highness. (sees Aladdin) Who’s he?

Jasmine
His name’s ‘Aladdin’.

Tiger Lily
But what’s he doing here?

Jasmine
Talking to me.

Tiger Lily
(to Aladdin) Don’t you know it’s death for commoners to look upon the Princess, let alone talk to her?

Aladdin
Then at least I shall die happy. (turns to Jasmine) For she is even more beautiful than they say.

Tiger Lily
Then make the most of your happiness, ‘cos you’re a dead man when the Emperor hears of this.

Jasmine
(to Tiger Lily) Then we must make sure he doesn’t hear of it. Now take the litter and return to the palace without me.

Tiger Lily
Not blooming likely! Your father will go berserk if the litter returns without you.

Jasmine
Just keep the curtains closed, and he’ll be none the wiser.

Tiger Lily
But it’s much too dangerous for your highness to stay here.

Jasmine
Aladdin will protect me. (to Aladdin) Won’t you Aladdin?

Aladdin
(chivalrous bow) With my life, your highness.

Jasmine
(pleads) Please, Tiger Lily.

Tiger Lily
Oh…all right. But if your father chops my head off, I’m handing in my notice. (to Bearers) All right you lot, move it!

Bearers pick up the litter and exit (SL) followed by Tiger Lily.

Jasmine
It feels wonderful to have some freedom at last. Would you like to show me around Peking, Aladdin?

Aladdin
It will be my pleasure, Jasmine. (offers her his arm)

Jasmine takes Aladdin’s arm and they exit (SR)

Twankey, Wishey and Foo Yung enter (USL)

Twankey
That was a close call.

Wishey
I wonder where Aladdin got to?

Twankey
Who knows. He’s just like his father. Always disappearing.

Foo Yung
I never met Mr Twankey. What was he like?

Twankey
He was like a Greek God. Tall dark and handsome, with a fantastic body. But after we married, he let himself go. How he undid those chains, I’ll never know. I begged him to stay, but he was too far-gone. Mexico as a matter of fact. I pleaded with him to come home. But he said ‘I was a miserable pleader, and he stayed in Mexico playing with his maracas’. His son’s didn’t inherit their father’s physique, but they certainly inherited his lack of intellect. That’s why they’re such juvenile detergents. I partly blame myself though, because they’ve had a very disrupted upbringing. I’ve been married that many times you see. I’ve had eight husbands you know. Yes, you’ve guessed it…four richer, four poorer. But in the end marriage was the undoing of me. I used to do and my husbands used to undo, until eventually I was all undone. (chiding herself) Listen to me reminiscing, when I’ve got all this washing to do. (spots the machine) Hello! It looks like someone’s left an expensive hi-fi outside. (goes and touches the machine and audience respond)

Machine
Warning! Warning! Your weight is fourteen stone twelve…(or whatever)…you will self-destruct in…

Wishey
(quickly)…Voice override!

Machine

Unit resetting!

Twankey
What is it Wishey, Bang and Olfsen?

Wishey
No mum, it’s my automatic monitoring machine.

Twankey
What does it monitor?

Wishey
Anything and everything

Twankey
Oh, you mean like Big Brother?

Wishey
Exactly.

Twankey
How exciting! Do we get to vote people off then?

Wishey
Sort of. You check it at the end of the show, and decide which lazy employee to sack. (to audience) And we all know who that is, don’t we?

Twankey
Oh, I can’t wait. Now help me get this laundry basket inside.

They exit with the basket (USR)

Aladdin and Jasmine enter (DSR)

Jasmine
I really enjoyed our walk, Aladdin.

Aladdin
Me too Jasmine. Shall we go all the way? (quickly adding) To the palace I mean!

Jasmine
No, I’m afraid this is as far as we go.

Aladdin
Don’t say you’ve gone off me already?

Jasmine
No, silly. But it would be suicide for you to approach the palace.

Aladdin
I’ve scaled its walls many times, to try and catch a glimpse of you.

Jasmine
I’m flattered that you’re willing to risk your life, just to see me.

Aladdin
I’d risk anything for you Jasmine. Music cue 4: Jasmine and Aladdin. After song ends…

Tiger Lily runs on (SL) gasping for breath.

Tiger Lily
Y…y…your highness, you must return to the palace immediately!

Jasmine
Whatever’s the matter Tiger Lily?

Tiger Lily
Your father discovered that your litter was empty.

Jasmine
(exclaims) Oh, no!

Tiger Lily
He flew into a right royal rage and threatened to have us all beheaded on the spot!

Jasmine
What stopped him?

Tiger Lily
Your brave bodyguards blubbed like babies, and blamed it all on me. Your father ordered me to return with you within the hour, or face certain death.

Aladdin
Surely not?

Tiger Lily
Surely yes! (grabbing hold of Jasmine’s arm) Now let’s hurry, before he decides to cut off something even closer to my heart.

Aladdin
And what’s that?

Tiger Lily
My royal pension. (starts dragging Jasmine away)

Aladdin
When will I see you again, Jasmine?

Jasmine
(as she is being dragged off) I’ll text you Aladdin!

Jasmine and  Tiger Lily exit (SL)

Wishey and Foo Yung enter (DSR) with the laundry basket.

Wishey
There you are Aladdin. Mum’s been looking all over for you.

Aladdin
Wishey, what would you say if I told you I’d just seen Princess Jasmine?

Wishey
I’d say you’d been sniffing too much washing powder, and had gone clean round the bend.

Aladdin
But it’s true! I was hiding in the laundry basket when she passed by earlier.

Foo Yung
You saw the Princess?

Aladdin
Not only saw her, but talked to her and…(dreamily)…we fell in love.

Wishey
Blimey! That was quick!

Aladdin
Love doesn’t have a time limit, Wishey.

Foo Yung
No, but we do. We have to get this laundry to the palace by lunchtime.

Aladdin
(exclaims) I’ve just realised how I can see the Princess again.

Foo Yung
How?

Aladdin
By hiding inside that laundry basket, you’re taking to the palace.

Wishey
Forget it Aladdin. If you’re found inside the palace, the Emperor is sure to have you beheaded.

Aladdin
I’ve already lost my head Wishey, not to mention my heart.

Wishey
If you think I’m going to risk my life smuggling you into the palace, you’ve got another think coming.

Aladdin
Do this for me and I’ll never ask you for anything, ever again.

Foo Yung
Well you couldn’t could you, not having a head.

Aladdin
(pleads) Please Wishey. I’m sure I can persuade the Emperor to let us marry, once he sees how much in love we are.

Wishey
All right Aladdin, but on your own head be it.

Aladdin
Thanks Wishey. (climbs inside the laundry basket)

Twankey enters (DSR)

Twankey
Have either of you seen Aladdin?

Wis & Foo
(innocently) No.

Twankey
Typical. Whenever there’s work to be done he’s nowhere to be seen. Come on Wishey, I’ll help you carry the laundry basket to the palace.

Wishey
(trying to put her off) It’s all right mum, me and Foo Yung will carry it. You might strain something.

Twankey
Rubbish, I’m stronger than you look. Anyway, I fancy a bit of a nosey inside the palace. (to Foo Yung) Look after the shop ‘til we get back.

Foo Yung
Yes, Mrs. T. (exits SR)

Twankey
Right Wishey, grab hold of your end. (they take hold of the basket) Now lift. (they struggle to lift the basket) Cor blimey! This washing weighs a ton!

Wishey
It’s probably all that gold thread they use in the royal clothes.

Twankey
Yes, that must be it. Right then, you pull and I’ll push. (pulls) To you!

Wishey
To me!

Twankey
To you!

Wishey
To me!

They exit (SL) and Foo Yung exits (SR)