Dancers; Children; Guards; Laundry Workers; Palace Retinue; etc.
SCENE ONE
OUTSIDE TWANKEY’S LAUNDRETTE
Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Wishee [SL] dragging on a laundry basket.
WISHEE: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Wishee Washee, and I work right here at Twankey’s Laundrette; mostly on my own. My lazy brother, Aladdin, is more interested in chasing girls than profits. And mum spends more time seeking suitors than pressing suits. So, I’ve bought myself an AI machine that will record everyone’s movements throughout the day and prove who does the most work around here. I’ll just fetch it in. [exits and returns with the machine]
WISHEE: Now, this is a very expensive piece of kit, and I don’t want anybody messing with it. So, would you mind watching it for me? Thanks. [places machine DSR in front of main curtains] If anybody goes near it, just shout ‘red alert’, and watch what happens.
Enter Aladdin at a run [SL]
ALADDIN: Wishee! You’ve got to help me!
WISHEE: What’s the matter, Aladdin?
ALADDIN: I’m being chased, and I need somewhere to hide, quick!
WISHEE: Who’s after you this time, Aladdin? A furious father? A mortified mother? Or some girl you promised the earth and gave the elbow?
ALADDIN: No, Wishee, it’s the police!
WISHEE: What have you been up to, Aladdin?
ALADDIN: I haven’t got time to explain; they’ll be here at any minute!
SFX: Police whistles.
WISHEE: Hide inside the laundry basket. [opens lid]
ALADDIN: Thanks, Wishee. [climbs inside and shuts lid]
Enter Tai and Chi at a run [SL] blowing whistles.
WISHEE: Eh-up! It’s Tai and Chi, the wrong arm of the law.
CHI: Wishee! Have you seen your brother, Aladdin?
WISHEE: Of course, I’ve seen him, we live in the same house.
CHI: I meant in the past five seconds!
WISHEE: No, officers. What do you want him for?
TAI: He insulted me whilst I was on duty.
WISHEE: And how exactly did he insult you?
TAI: He asked if I knew the time. I said, ‘yes thanks’, and he called me an idiot!
WISHEE: I can’t imagine why. Anyway, I thought you could ask the police anything.
CHI: You can.
WISHEE: Then maybe you can tell me how to stop some bloke canoodling with his girlfriend underneath my window every night.
CHI: That’s easy. Just go up to him and say, ‘excuse me, sir, isn’t that your wife coming up the road’?
WISHEE: And that’ll make him stop, will it?
CHI: Well, it certainly stopped me. [laughs]
WISHEE: I didn’t realise the police had a sense of humour.
CHI: Oh yes. Give him another sample, Constable Tai.
TAI: She was only a constable’s daughter, but she let the chief inspector.
WISHEE: Repeating old jokes like that ought to be a criminal offence.
CHI: Maybe Aladdin is hiding inside that laundry basket, Constable Tai.
TAI: I’ll just check it out. [goes to lift lid]
WISHEE: [holding lid down] You don’t want to look in that basket, officer.
TAI: Why not?
WISHEE: Because it’s full of dirty, smelly, old laundry.
CHI: It sounds like you have something to hide.
WISHEE: Not me, officer, I’m as honest as a politician.
TAI: That settles it. Open the basket, Constable Chi.
WISHEE: You’ll be sorry.
CHI: [lifts lid] Phwoar! [slams lid shut] What a pong! It smells like a student’s bedsit! Anybody hiding in there would be dead within seconds.
WISHEE: I told you it was stinky, didn’t I?
TAI: Let’s go, Chi, or we’ll be late for escorting the Princess Jasmine.
CHI: [to Wishee] Tell Aladdin we’re hot on his trail.
TAI: And we always get our man.
CHI: [spots machine] Hello, what’s this? [touches it]
MACHINE: Warning! Unauthorised handling! This unit will self-destruct in ten seconds! Nine…eight…seven…
TAI & CHI: [face each other] Run for it! [exit both at a run SL]
WISHEE: [to audience] Don’t worry, folks, it won’t really explode; listen.
MACHINE: Six-five…unit resetting!
WISHEE: You see? It’s just to scare people away if they try messing with it. You can come out now, Aladdin, they’ve gone.
ALADDIN: [climbs out with dirty bloomers on his head] Phwoar! It stinks in there!
WISHEE: You’re wearing dirty knickers on your head, Aladdin! [laughs]
ALADDIN: Ew! [chucks them in basket]
WISHEE: What have you been doing all morning, Aladdin?
ALADDIN: Running away from the police, mostly.
WISHEE: You were supposed to help me fetch this heavy laundry basket from Peking Monastery, and I had to drag it here all on my own.
ALADDIN: I sometimes wish Mum didn’t have a contract with those monks.
WISHEE: Why not?
ALADDIN: They have some very dirty habits.
WISHEE: If this washing isn’t done by the time Mum gets home, she’ll blow her top.
ALADDIN: You worry too much, Wishee.
WISHEE: And you’re the main cause of it, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: How do you make that out?
WISHEE: Because you’re always skiving off work to chase after girls.
ALADDIN: Do I detect a hint of jealousy, Wishee?
WISHEE: I’m not jealous of you, Aladdin, I’m mad at you!
ALADDIN: One day I’ll make my fortune, and then our family need never work again.
WISHEE: You never worked much to begin with; but that’s about to change.
ALADDIN: What do you mean, Wishee?
WISHEE: [shows machine] Meet, my automatic monitoring machine.
ALADDIN: What’s it monitoring?
WISHEE: You, for a start. It’s time you did your fair share of the work, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: Cheer up, Wishee, things could be worse.
WISHEE: How?
ALADDIN: The washing machine might break down.
WISHEE: Don’t jinx it, Aladdin. I don’t fancy handwashing people’s unmentionables.
TWANKEY: [off] Yoo-hoo! Mummy’s home!
ALADDIN: Speaking of unmentionables.
Enter Twankey [SL] with several boxes of washing powder.
TWANKEY: Here I am again. Another day up to my dirty armpits in washing. I mean, up to my armpits in dirty washing. [to audience] Hello! I didn’t see you all there sitting on your fortune cookies. What a morning it’s been. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Me, Feng Shui’s all over the place, and me, Yin and Yang have gone to pot. I’ve had a very trying day. The butcher tried, the baker tried, the milkman tried. I sometimes feel like I’m living in a soap opera.
