Scene One
Outside Twankey’s Laundrette In Peking Square
Music cue 1: Laundry Workers. After song ends…All exit (SR)
Wishey enters (DSL) dragging on a laundry basket.
Wishey
(to audience) Hiya boys and girls. My name’s Wishey Washey and I work right here, at Twankey’s Laundrette. Although, I sometimes feel as though I’m the only one who does. My brother Aladdin is more interested in chasing girls, than profits. And mum spends more time seeking suitors, than pressing suits. I’m fed up with doing most of the work. So, I’ve bought myself a high-tech time and motion machine off Amazon. It will record everybody’s movements throughout the show and prove who does the most work around here. I’ll just go and fetch it in. (exits and returns with the machine) Now, this is a very expensive piece of kit and I don’t want anybody messing with it. I could do with someone keeping an eye on it for me. ‘Ere! Would you all keep an eye on it for me? (response) Thanks! (places machine DSR in front of main curtains) If you see anybody going near it, just shout ‘red-alert’ and watch what happens. b>
Foo Yung enters (USL)
Foo Yung
(brightly) Good morning Wishey.
Wishey
Hiya Foo Yung.
Foo Yung
(looking around) Is Aladdin about?
Wishey
He’s probably lazing around, if that’s what you mean. But he’s not here.
Aladdin rushes on (DSL)
Aladdin
Quick Wishey! Hide me!
Wishey
Who’s after you this time Aladdin? A furious father? A mortified mother? Or some girl you promised the earth, and gave the elbow?
Aladdin
It’s the police!
Wishey
The police! What on earth have you been up to Aladdin?
Aladdin
I haven’t got time to explain Wishey, they’ll be here at any minute!
SFX: Police whistle.
Wishey
Quick, Aladdin! Hide inside the laundry basket! (holds open the basket lid)
Aladdin
Thanks, Wishey! (climbs inside and shuts the lid)
Tai and Chi run on (DSL) blowing their whistles.
Wishey
Eh-up! It’s Tai and Chi, the wrong arm of the law.
Chi
(to Wishey) Have you seen your brother, Aladdin?
Wishey
Of course I’ve seen him. We live in the same house, don’t we?
Chi
I meant, in the past five minutes.
Wishey
No I haven’t. What do you want him for, anyway?
Tai
For insulting a police officer.
Foo Yung
You ought to be used to that by now.
Wishey
How exactly did he insult you?
Tai
He asked me the time. And when I suggested he buy a watch, he suggested I ‘go boil my head’.
Wishey
I see you took his advice then.
Foo Yung
I always thought you could ask a police officeranything.
Chi
You can.
Foo Yung
Then perhaps you can tell me how to stop that man canoodeling with his girlfriend, underneath my window every night.
Chi
Certainly. Just go up and to him and say, ‘excuse me sir but isn’t that your wife coming up the road’?
Foo Yung
Will that make him stop?
Chi
Well it certainly stopped me. (laughs)
Wishey
I didn’t realise the police had a sense of humour.
Chi
Oh yes, constable Tai will back me up on that.
Tai
She was only a constable’s daughter, but she let the chief inspector. Ha-ha-ha!
Foo Yung
Repeating old jokes like that, ought to be a criminal offence.
Chi
(to Tai) Maybe Aladdin is hiding in that laundry basket.
Tai
I’d better check it out. (goes to lift basket lid)
Wishey
(holding lid down) You don’t want to look in there, officer.
Tai
(suspicious) Why not?
Wishey
It’s full of stinky old laundry.
Chi
It sounds like you have something to hide.
Wishey
Not me officer. I’m as honest as the day is long.
Tai
Have you noticed how the nights are drawing in? Open the basket, constable Chi.
Wishey
You’ll be sorry.
Chi
(lifts basket lid) Phwoar! (slams lid shut) What a pong! It smells like a student’s bedsit. (to Tai) Anybody hiding in there, would be dead within seconds.
Tai
(to Wishey) We’re going now. When you see Aladdin, tell him we’re on his trail.
Chi
And we always get our man.
Tai
Let’s go Constable Chi, or we’ll be late for escorting Princess Jasmine.
Chi
(spots Wishey’s machine) Hello! What’s this ‘ere then? (touches machine and audience shout)
Audience
Red-alert! Red-alert!
Machine
Warning! Warning! Unauthorised handling! This unit will self-destruct in ten seconds! Nine…eight…seven…
Chi
(turns to Tai) Run!
Tai and Chi turn and run off (SL)
Machine
…six…five…
Foo Yung
(panicking) We’d better run too, Wishey!
Wishey
Relax, Foo Yung. It’s just a safety device to stop people messing about with it. It’ll reset in a minute.
Machine
Unit resetting!
Wishey
What did I tell you. (lifts the basket lid) You can come out now Aladdin.
Aladdin
(climbs out wearing a large clothes-peg on his nose) Phew! What a stink! Luckily I found this clothes-peg. (removes peg)
Wishey
Where were you this morning, Aladdin? You were supposed to help me fetch this laundry from Peking Monastery. I’ve had to drag it halfway across town on my own.
Aladdin
I sometimes wish mother didn’t have a contract with those monks.
Foo Yung
Why not?
Aladdin
They have some very dirty habits.
Wishey
Well if it’s not done by the time she gets back, she’ll blow her top. And she’s got plenty of top to blow, believe you me.
Foo Yung
You worry too much Wishey.
Wishey
Well not anymore.
Aladdin
(slaps him on the back) That’s the spirit, Wishey!
Wishey
(slumps shoulders) I’m too tired to worry.
Laundry Workers enter.
Aladdin
Foo Yung will help you get the washing done. Won’t you Foo Yung?
Foo Yung
Of course I will, Aladdin.
Wishey
Thanks Foo Yung. I’ll just have a five minutes, first. (slouches against the basket)
Foo Yung
I’ll take this basket inside. (moves basket and Wishey falls back on the floor)
Wishey
Owah!
Aladdin
(helping him up) Are you all right, Wishey?
Wishey
(feelinghis head) I’ve bashed me bonce.
Foo Yung
I’d better check he’s not concussed. What’s three times three, Wishey?
Wishey
Erm…eleven?
Aladdin
He’s fine. (pointing) What’s that strange-looking contraption, Wishey?
Wishey
It’s my automatic monitoring machine.
Aladdin
What’s it monitoring?
Wishey
You for starters. (sighs) I just wish I could win the lottery, then I wouldn’t have to do this rotten job anymore.
Foo Yung
Cheer up Wishey, things could be worse.
Wishey
How?
Foo Yung
The washing machine could break down.
Wishey
Don’t jinx it, Foo Yung, I don’t fancy doing people’s unmentionables by hand.
Twankey
(off) Yoo-hoo! I’m hooome!
Wishey
Speaking of unmentionables.
Twankey enters (USL) carrying several large boxes of soap-powder.
Twankey
Here we are again, another day up to washing in my dirty armpits…I mean, up to my armpits in dirty washing. (to audience) Oh, hello! I didn’t see you all there, sat sitting on your fortune cookies. What a morning it’s been. I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Me Feng Shui’s all over the place and me Yin and Yang has gone to pot. I’ve had a very trying day you know. The butcher tried, the baker tried, the milkman tried. I sometimes feel as though I’m living in a soap opera.
Wishey
You mean you’re all washed up?
Twankey
Watch it, or I’ll give you a good lathering. All I want is a man to pick me up, whirl me round and drain me dry.
Wishey
You don’t want a man; you want a spin-drier.
Abanazer enters (DSL)
Foo Yung
Ey-up, it’s Darth Vader!
Wishey
(to Abanazer) If you’re searching for the dark side, you’re way off course.
Abanazer
I’m looking for Widow Twankey’s establishment.
Twankey
This is Twankey’s, world famous, textile rejuvenating, and cleansing emporium.
Abanazer
You mean it’s a laundrette?
Twankey
Yes, and I’m the proprietor. What can I do for you Mr…?
Abanazer
Abanazer.
Twankey
What can I do for you Mr Ebeneezer?
Abanazer
I’m looking for a boy called, Aladdin.
Aladdin goes to speak, but Twankey quickly clamps her hand over his mouth.
Twankey
He’s not in trouble is he? Only I warned him against climbing the palace walls, to try and cop a look at Princess Jasmine.
Abanazer
Doesn’t he realise it’s certain death, for commoners to look upon the Princess?
Twankey
Me and my big gob. (pleading) Oh please don’t drag him off to prison, Mr Bonanza!
Abanazer
But I’m…
Twankey
…Give him another chance…please!
Abanazer
I’m not …
Twankey
…You must! My sons are all I have left, ever since my late husband was dragged off by the Kurds. And it didn’t half make his eyes water I can tell you.
Abanazer
Silenece you old fool!
Aladdin
How dare you speak to our mother like that!
Abanazer
Who are you boy?
Aladdin
I’m Aladdin. Now apologise, or I’ll deal with you myself.
Abanazer
Careful boy! I am a practitioner, of the black arts.
Twankey
How interesting. I’m a medium myself.
Wishey
Says who?
Twankey
Says the label, on my knickers. I’ve even had an out-of—the-body experience.
Abanazer
(aside to audience) With a body like hers, I’d be glad to get out of it.
Aladdin
(to Abanazer) You don’t scare me.
Abanazer
Then what I’ve heard is true.
Wishey
What have you heard?
Abanazer
That Aladdin is amongst the bravest of the Emperor’s subjects.
Aladdin
Flattery will get you nowhere.
Abanazer
What about money?
Twankey
Keep talking.
Abanazer
I’m about to offer Aladdin the chance to obtain more riches beyond your imagination.
Wishey
Nothing is beyond mum’s imagination.
Aladdin
And what would I have to do, to obtain all these riches?
Abanazer
Nothing much. Just fetch me an old lamp.
Foo Yung
Is that all?
Abanazer
Yes.
Twankey
There’s one underneath the kitchen sink Aladdin, fetch it out here quick!
Aladdin
Yes, mum. (turns to leave)
Abanazer
Wait! The lamp I speak of lies hidden in a cave, deep within the forbidden mountains.
Aladdin
(turns back) Why do you want this old lamp?
Abanazer
Old things hold a fascination for me.
Twankey
(grabs him by the arm) Really? Tell me more, Mr Alabama.
Abanazer
(pushing her off) I’m into antiques! Not antiquities!
Wishey
Why do you need Aladdin to fetch the lamp for you?
Abanazer
The cave opening is too small for me to enter. But for a young boy, it will be easy.
Twankey
But isn’t caving dangerous?
Abanazer
I guarantee the boy will come to no harm. Music cue 2: What was that?
Foo Yung
(looking off SR) It’s Princess Jasmine’s entourage, returning to the palace.
Abanazer
In that case, I will bid you all good day.
Aladdin
But what about the lamp?
Abanazer
(turns) We shall meet again, Aladdin. (exits SL)
Wishey
We’d better leave too, before the royal party arrives.
Aladdin
I’m not leaving. I’m going to right stay here and see Princess Jasmine.
Twankey
Don’t be daft Aladdin. It’s certain death for anyone to clap eyes on the Princess.
Wishey
She can’t be that ugly, surely.
Foo Yung
I’ve heard that she’s the most beautiful girl, in the whole of China.
Wishey
Why can’t we look at the Princess, anyway?
Twankey
Ours is not to reason why. Ours is but to scarper or die.
Aladdin
Well I’m staying put.
Foo Yung
You’re willing to risk death, just to see the Princess?
Aladdin
I like living dangerously. Music cue 3:
Twankey
Don’t even think about it, Aladdin.
Tiger Lily
(off) Clear the streets on pain of death!
Wishey, Twankey and Foo Yung all look (SR) Aladdin climbs into the basket unseen and closes the lid.
Wishey
The Princess’s litter is almost here!
Twankey
Let’s get out of here, quick!
Foo Yung
(looks around) Where’s Aladdin?
Wishey
He must have scarpered.
Twankey
Then let us do the same.
Foo Yung
What about the laundry basket?
Twankey
Leave it! We’ll fetch it later.
All exit (DSL) Tai and Chi enter (DSR) sweeping the floor. Shortly followed by Tiger Lily.
Tiger Lily
Clear the streets on pain of…! (spots Tai & Chi sweeping) What are you doing?
Tai
Clearing the streets like you asked.
Tiger Lily
I meant cleared of people, not rubbish!
Chi
In that case we’ll need bigger brushes.
Tiger Lily
Let me explain. (jabs a finger to the side of Chi’s head)
Chi
(reacts as though being poked in the eye) Owah!
Tiger Lily
Now do you see?
Chi
(covering one eye) Yes, but only half as good as I used to.
Bearers carry Princess Jasmine’s litter on (DSR)
Jasmine
Halt!
The litter stops (DSC) Princess Jasmine draws the curtain aside and steps out.
Tiger Lily
We can’t stop here your highness!
Jasmine
Why not?
Tiger Lily
This side of town is decidedly…(pulls a face)…seedy.
Jasmine
It looks all right to me.
Tiger Lily
But it’s full of…(pulls a face)…common people, your highness.
Jasmine
Don’t be such a snob, Tiger Lily.
Tai and Chi move around stage checking for danger.
Tiger Lily
Your highness must conceal herself in the litter at all times.
Chi
You can’t expect the Princess to hide in a pile of rubbish!
Tiger Lily
Not rubbish you, idiot! Litter!
Tai
I thought litter was, rubbish?
Tiger Lily
Let me explain.
Tai
(moves away) No fear. It always hurts when you explain things.
Tiger Lily
(looking around auditorium) I don’t like the look of this place your highness
Jasmine
I know it’s not the London Palladium, but it’s still quite nice. (realises) Oh, I see what you mean. Don’t worry, we have PC’s Tai and Chi to look after us.
Tiger Lily
I wouldn’t trust them to look after a hole in the ground.
Jasmine
But they’re highly trained professionals.
Tiger Lily
Give over. They make Mr Bean…(or other silly person)…seem intelligent.
Jasmine
(pleads) Please, Tiger Lily. I only want to have a quick look around.
Tiger Lily
But the Emperor will have my head, if he discovers I allowed you to stop here.
Jasmine
But he won’t find out, will he.
Tiger Lily
Don’t be so sure your highness. Your father has many spies.
Chi
Oh, I love mince pies.
Tai
Me too. With lots of lovely custard.
Tiger Lily
I said many spies, not mince pies! Now go ahead and make sure the streets are cleared.
Tai/Chi
Righto.
Tai and Chi exit (SL)
Jasmine
I’m thirsty, Tiger Lily. Fetch me a bottle of water from that corner shop we just passed, please.
Tiger Lily
Yes, your highness. Stay there and don’t move, until I get back. (exits SR)
Jasmine
(to Bearers) Go with her. I want to be alone for a bit.
Bearers follow Tiger Lily off. Aladdin raises the basket lid slightly and peers out.
Jasmine
I’ll just sit here until they return. (sits on basket)
Aladdin
Owah!
Jasmine
(jumps off the basket) Who’s there?
Aladdin
(from inside the basket) Aladdin.
Jasmine
Aladdin who?
Aladdin
A lad in a basket.
Jasmine
Show yourself at once!
Aladdin
(throws back the basket lid and jumps up) Greetings, your highness!
Jasmine
(moves back startled) Oh, my!
Aladdin
(climbing out) Sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.
Jasmine
Why were you hiding in there?
Aladdin
I was hoping to see you.
Jasmine
From inside a laundry basket?
Aladdin
Well everybody knows it’s death, for commoners to look upon your Princess. So, I hid in there to try and catch a glimpse of you, as you passed by.
Jasmine
And was it worth risking your life to see me, Aladdin?
Aladdin
Oh yes, your highness.
Jasmine
Please call me ‘Jasmine’.
Aladdin
Why did you stop here today your high…I mean, Jasmine?
Jasmine
Whenever I’m out and about. All I ever get to see, is the inside of my litter. And when I’m not cooped up in that, I’m cooped up in the palace. I couldn’t stand it any longer. So today, I decided to get out and have a look around.
Aladdin
I’ve always dreamed of living in a palace.
Jasmine
It isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I’d give anything to be like you.
Aladdin
You mean, poor?
Jasmine
You might be poor, but at least you’re free to come and go as you please. Unlike me.
Tiger Lily enters carrying a bottle of water, followed by the Bearers.
Tiger Lily
Here we are your highness. (sees Aladdin) Who’s he?
Jasmine
His name’s, Aladdin.
Tiger Lily
And what’s he doing here?
Jasmine
Talking to me.
Tiger Lily
(to Aladdin) Don’t you know it’s death for commoners to look upon the Princess, let alone talk to her?
Aladdin
Then at least I shall die happy. (turns to Jasmine) For she is even more beautiful than they say.
Tiger Lily
Then make the most of your happiness, for you’re a dead man when the Emperor finds out.
Jasmine
Then we must make sure he doesn’t find out, mustn’t we Tiger Lily? Now take the litter and return to the palace without me.
Tiger Lily
Not blooming likely! Your father will go berserk if the litter returns without you.
Jasmine
Just keep the curtains closed, and he’ll be none the wiser.
Tiger Lily
But it’s much too dangerous for your highness to stay here.
Jasmine
Aladdin will protect me. Won’t you Aladdin?
Aladdin
With my life, your highness.
Jasmine
Please, Tiger Lily.
Tiger Lily
(reluctant) Oh, all right. But if your father chops my head off, I’m handing my notice in. (to Bearers) Move it you lot.
Bearers pick up the litter and exit (SL) followed by Tiger Lily.
Jasmine
It feels wonderful to have some freedom at last.
Aladdin
Would you like to show me around Peking, Jasmine? (offers his arm)
Aladdin
It will be my pleasure, Jasmine. (offers her his arm)
Jasmine
(taking his arm) I’d like that very much indeed, Aladdin.
They exit arm-in-arm (SR) Twankey, Wishey and Foo Yung enter (USL)
Twankey
That was a close call.
Wishey
I wonder where Aladdin got to?
Twankey
Who knows? He’s always disappearing – just like your father.
Foo Yung
I never met Mr Twankey. What was he like?
Twankey
He was tall dark and handsome, with a body like a Greek god. But soon after we married, he let himself go. How he undid those chains, I’ll never know. I begged him to stay, but he was too far-gone. Mexico as a matter of fact. I pleaded with him to come home. But he said I was a miserable pleader, and he was happy staying in Mexico and playing with his maracas. His sons didn’t inherit their father’s physique, but they certainly inherited his intellect. That’s why they’re such juvenile detergents. I partly blame myself, because they’ve had a very disrupted upbringing. I’ve had eight husbands you see. Yes, you’ve guessed it…four richer, four poorer. But in the end marriage was the undoing of me. I used to do, and my husbands used to undo, until eventually I was all undone. Listen to me reminiscing, when I’ve got all this washing to do. (spots Wishey’s machine) Hello! It looks like someone’s left an expensive hi-fi outside. (touches machine and audience shout)
Machine
Warning! Warning! Your weight is fourteen stone…(or whatever)…you will self-destruct in…
Wishey
…Voice override!
Machine
Unit resetting!
Twankey
Your weighing machine’s faulty, Wishey. I only weigh eight stone, wet through.
Wishey
It’s not a weighing machine, mum. It’s my automatic monitoring machine.
Twankey
What does it monitor?
Wishey
Everything and everybody.
Twankey
Like Big Brother you mean?
Wishey
Exactly.
Twankey
How exciting! Do we get to vote people off then?
Wishey
Sort of. You check it at the end of the show, and decide which lazy employee to sack. (to audience) And we all know who that is, don’t we?
Twankey
Oh, I can’t wait. Now help me get this laundry basket inside.
They exit with the basket (USR)
They exit with the basket (USR) Aladdin and Jasmine enter (DSR)
Jasmine
I really enjoyed our walk, Aladdin.
Aladdin
Me too, Jasmine. Shall we go all the way…to the palace I mean!
Jasmine
I’m afraid this is as far as we go, Aladdin.
Aladdin
Don’t say you’ve gone off me already?
Jasmine
No, silly. But it would be suicide for you to approach the palace.
Aladdin
I’ve scaled its walls many times, to try and catch a glimpse of you.
Jasmine
I can’t believe you risk your life, just to see me.
Aladdin
I’d risk anything for you Jasmine. Music cue 4: Jasmine and Aladdin. After song ends…
Tiger Lily runs on (SL) gasping for breath.
Tiger Lily
You must return to the palace immediately, your highness!
Jasmine
Whatever’s the matter Tiger Lily?
Tiger Lily
Your father discovered that your litter was empty.
Jasmine
(exclaims) Oh, no!
Tiger Lily
He flew into a right royal rage and threatened to have us all beheaded on the spot!
Jasmine
What stopped him?
Tiger Lily
Tai and Chi blubbed like babies and blamed it all on me. Your father ordered me to return with you within the hour, or face certain death.
Aladdin
Surely not?
Tiger Lily
Surely yes! (grabbing hold of her arm) Now let’s hurry, before he decides to cut off something even closer to my heart.
Aladdin
And what’s that?
Tiger Lily
My royal pension. (starts dragging Jasmine away)
Aladdin
When will I see you again, Jasmine?
Jasmine
I’ll text you Aladdin!
Jasmine and Tiger Lily exit (SL) Wishey and Foo Yung enter (DSR) with the laundry basket.
Wishey
There you are Aladdin. Mum’s been looking all over for you.
Aladdin
What would you say Wishey, if I told you I’d just seen Princess Jasmine?
Wishey
I’d say you’d been sniffing too much washing powder, and gone clean round the bend.
Aladdin
But it’s true! I was hiding in the laundry basket when she passed by earlier.
Foo Yung
You saw the Princess?
Aladdin
Not only saw her, but talked to her and…(dreamily)…we fell in love.
Wishey
That was quick – even for a panto!
Aladdin
Love doesn’t have a time limit, Wishey.
Foo Yung
No, but we do. We have to get this laundry to the palace by lunchtime.
Aladdin
I’ve just realised how I can see Jasmine again!
Foo Yung
How?
Aladdin
By hiding inside that laundry basket, you’re taking to the palace.
Wishey
Forget it Aladdin. If you’re found inside the palace, the Emperor is sure to have you beheaded.
Aladdin
I’ve already lost my head Wishey, not to mention my heart.
Wishey
If you think I’m going to risk my life smuggling you into the palace, you’ve got another think coming.
Aladdin
Do this for me and I’ll never ask you for anything, ever again.
Foo Yung
You couldn’t very well, could you? Not having a head an’ all.
Aladdin
Please Wishey.
Wishey
All right Aladdin, but on your own head be it.
Aladdin
Thanks Wishey. (climbs inside the laundry basket)
Twankey enters (DSR)
Twankey
Have either of you seen Aladdin?
Wis & Foo
(shaking heads) Noooo.
Twankey
Typical. Whenever there’s work to be done, he’s nowhere to be seen. Come on Wishey, I’ll help you carry the laundry basket to the palace.
Wishey
It’s all right mum, me and Foo Yung will carry it. You might strain something.
Twankey
I’m stronger than you look. Besides, I fancy a peek inside the palace. Look after the shop until we get back, Foo Yung.
Foo Yung
Yes, Mrs. T. (exits SR)
Twankey
Okay Wishey, grab hold of your end. (they take hold) Now lift. (struggle to lift the basket) Cor blimey! This washing weighs a ton!
Wishey
It’s probably all that gold thread they use in the royal clothes.
Twankey
Yes, that must be it. Right then, you pull and I’ll push. (pulls) To you!
Wishey
To me!
Twankey
To you!
Wishey
To me!
They exit (SL) and Foo Yung exits (SR)
Recent Comments