Scene One
Outside Twankey’s Launderette In Peking Square
Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Wishee enters (SL)
Wishee
Hiya kids! (response) Dearie me. I thought we had an audience in today.
Chorus 1
Perhaps their parents told them not to talk to strangers.
Wishee
I’m not strange.
Chorus 2
That’s a matter of opinion.
Chorus 3
(to Wishee) Why don’t you try and make friends telling them your name?
Wishee
That might work. (to audience) Hiya kids! I’m Wishee Washee and this is Twankey’s family launderette, where I work. Well, some of the time. Now to keep everything nice and friendly, every time I come on I’ll shout Wishee-Wishee-Wishee! And I want you to all shout back Washee-Washee-Washee! Will you do that? (response) Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Wishee-Wishee-Wishee! Not bad. Now let’s try it again, and this time all the mums and dads join in. (repeats business) That was fantastic! Have some sweeties. (distributes sweets)
Chorus 4
Shouldn’t you be in the launderette helping your mum, Wishee?
Wishee
I suppose I should really. But I’m sure she’ll manage just fine on her own.
Chorus 1
And we’re sure that your job is on the line.
Chorus 2
Literally.
Wishee
What do you mean?
Chorus 3
(pointing to a note pinned to the washing line) Look there, Wishee!
Wishee
What’s this? (removes note and reads) ‘LAUNDRY ASSISTANT WANTED. WISHEE WON’T WASHEE!’ Oh, no! Mum must be thinking of making me redundant!
Chorus 4
You’ve always been redundant, Wishee.
Wishee
I don’t see any of lot you busy.
Chorus 1
We’re busy now.
Wishee
Doing what?
Chorus 2
Taking the mickey out of you.
Wishee
Well you can clear off and take it out of somebody else.
Chorus 3
Bye, Wishee!
Chorus laugh and exit (SL)
Wishee
I might be lazy, but I’m not as lazy as my brother, Aladdin. He’s too lazy to blow his own nose. He just sticks his head out the window and lets the wind blow it for him. Although he’s never too lazy to chase after the girls.
Aladdin enters (SR)
Aladdin
Good morning Wishee! Isn’t it a wonderful day, today?
Wishee
It might be for some of us.
Aladdin
It’s on days like this, I almost wish I had a job. Then I could take the day off.
Wishee
You do have a job Aladdin. Working in mum’s launderette.
Aladdin
I meant, a proper job. Actually, do you mind doing my shift today, Wishee? Only I have something very important to attend to.
Wishee
Yes, I do mind! (in Aladdin’s face) I’m sincerely sick of shifting soiled shirts, socks and shorts, that you should be shifting instead of skiving!
Aladdin
(wiping his face) There’s nothing like spitting it out, Wishee. Allow me to present you with a peach offering.
Wishee
Don’t you mean a peace offering?
Aladdin
No, a peach offering. (produces a peach) Here.
Wishee
No thanks, I’ve lost my appetite.
Aladdin
Since when?
Wishee
Since mum pinned this note to the washing-line. (shows the note) Look!
Aladdin
Don’t take any notice, Wishee. Mum’s always saying things she doesn’t mean.
Wishee
I know, but this time it’s in writing. Where did you get that peach from, anyway?
Aladdin
From the palace gardens.
Chorus 4
You risked your life, for a paltry peach?
Aladdin
No. I was trying to catch a glimpse of Princess Pomegranate. Now there’s a peach worth risking my life for.
Wishee
But it’s certain death, for anybody caught looking at the Princess.
Aladdin
The palace guards aren’t clever enough to catch me, Wishee.
Widow Twankey enters (SL) carrying a basket of washing.
Twankey
Oooh! This washing from the local gym, weights a ton! I think somebody’s left their dumbbells inside. (puts basket down) Speaking of dumbbells. I’m surprised to see you both here. You usually scarper when there’s work to be done. Whereas I spend every day slaving away. I sometimes feel as though life is slowly passing me by.
Wishee
It might have started off slow, mum. But I think it’s lapping you now.
Twankey
Cheek! I might not be as young as I was, but there’s still life in the old boiler if it’s stoked hard enough. (to audience) The only problem, is finding a willing stoker. My late husband was hopeless with boilers…and everything else for that matter. Before we married he promised that life with him, would be like a fairytale. And it was…Grimm. And talk about lazy! He was that lazy, he couldn’t even be bothered to change his socks. He once wore the same pair that long, they welded to his skin and had to be surgically removed. In the end his laziness killed him.
Aladdin
You can’t die of laziness, mum.
Twankey
You can if you’re too lazy to get out of bed, when it’s on fire. I warned him about smoking in bed, but would he listen.
Wishee
I don’t ever remember dad.
Twankey
That’s because you were born eleven months after he died, Wishee.
Wishee
How could I be born eleven months after dad died?
Twankey
You were very late, Wishee. And you’ve been late ever since.
SFX: Loud bang offstage and steam and smoke pour out from the launderette.
Wishee
It sounds like the old boiler’s blown a gasket again
Twankey
That’s the third time this month.
Aladdin
Why don’t just you get a new one, mum?
Twankey
I can’t afford a new one.
Wishee
How come?
Twankey
Because the laundry business is all washed-up. (laughs to audience) All washed-up? Oh, never mind. (spots the Peach) What’s that in your hand Aladdin?
Aladdin
It’s a peach, mum.
Twankey
But we’re too poor to afford fresh fruit. You haven’t been shoplifting have you?
Aladdin
No, mum! It’s from the palace gardens.
Twankey
Don’t tell me you’ve been trying to see that Princess Pomegranate again.
Aladdin
Yes, mum.
Twankey
But if you get caught, the Emperor will have you decaffeinated!
Aladdin
I’m willing to take that risk. They say that she’s the most beautiful girl in all of China.
SFX: Police whistles.
Wishee
It’s the police! Somebody must have spotted you Aladdin!
Aladdin
I need somewhere to hide, quick!
Wishee
Climb inside the laundry basket Aladdin!
Aladdin
Righto. (climbs inside basket, dropping the peach on the floor next to it)
Music cue 4: Police Officers Feng and Shui enter (SR) with truncheons drawn and blowing their whistles
Twankey
(to Officers) What are you blowing you whistles for? Is somebody offside, or what?
Feng
No. Someone’s been pinching peaches from Princess Pomegranate’s private palace pagoda! And that’s not easy to say with these teeth.
Shui
And we suspect it was your son, Aladdin.
Twankey
How very dare you! My Aladdin would never pinch peaches from Princess Pomegranate’s private palace pagoda.
Wishee
Well done, mum. You managed to say that without your false teeth falling out.
Twankey
I don’t have false teeth! (raising a fist) But you might need some in a minute.
Wishee
Anyway, it couldn’t have been Aladdin, officers.
Feng
And why not?
Wishee
‘Cos he’s been up to his armpits in work all morning. Hasn’t he mum?
Twankey
That’s right. He’s a total workaholic, my Aladdin.
Shui
Now I know you’re lying.
Twankey
What do you mean?
Feng
Everybody knows that Aladdin, is the laziest boy in the whole of Peking.
Twankey
I can’t argue with that. Although, Wishee gives him a run for his money.
Shui
(picking up the Peach) Hello! What’s this ‘ere, then?
Feng
It’s a peach from the palace gardens!
Wishee
How did you know that peach came from the palace gardens?
Shui
I didn’t. But now you’ve just confirmed it.
Twankey
You idiot, Wishee!
Feng
Which means, that one of you must have pinched it.
Wishee & Twankey
Oh no, we didn’t!
Feng & Shui
Oh yes, you did!
Wishee
Oh no, we…!
Twankey
….Don’t say another word, Wishee. We have the right to remain silent.
Wishee
That’ll be a first for you, then.
Shui
I’m afraid we’ll have to take you both down to the station
Wishee
What for?
Feng
(tapping his truncheon in his hand) For interrogation.
Feng
(tapping his truncheon in his hand) Lots of interrogation.
Wishee
(almost crying) I don’t want to be integrated with his big truncheon, mum!
Twankey
Will it involve any cavity searches?
Shui
Certainly not!
Twankey
Well it was worth asking, anyway.
Feng
Come along both of you.
Feng and Shui take hold of Wishee and Twankey. Suddenly, Aladdin throws back the basket lid and stands up, covered in washing.
Aladdin
Leave them alone! It was me who pinched that pink peach from Princess Pomeganate’s private palace pagoda! (to audience) They’re right you know. It’s not easy saying that.
Wishee
I said he was up to his armpits in work, didn’t I?
Shui
Aladdin Twankey. You’re under arrest for pinching pink peaches, from Princess Pomegranate’s private palace pagoda! (pushes his teeth) Me teeth are in a tangle.
Twankey
Oh, please don’t arrest him officer! I’m sure he didn’t mean any harm.
Wishee
He only wanted to cop a look at the Princess. Didn’t you Aladdin?
Feng
That’s even worse! Commoners are forbidden to look upon the face of the Princess.
Shui
And the penalty for doing so, is death!
Twankey
(swoons) Ooohh!
Wishee
Don’t worry Aladdin, I know how you can get out of this.
Aladdin
How?
Wishee
Run!
Aladdin
Good idea Wishee! (runs off SL)
Feng & Shui
Come back here! (they chase after Aladdin)
Twankey
Run Aladdin!
Wishee
If they manage to catch him, he’ll be in big trouble mum.
Twankey
That’s nothing compared to the trouble you’re in.
Wishee
What have I done now?
Twankey
‘Cop a look at the Princess’! (rolling up sleeves) Well now you’re going to cop it!
Wishee
Owherrr! (runs off around the stage)
Chorus re-enter (SR) and see Twankey chasing Wishee around stage.
Chorus 1
What’s going on here?
Chorus 2
Maybe they’re training for the London Marathon.
Chorus 3
I doubt it. Widow Twankey couldn’t run up an overdraft, without getting breathless.
Chorus laugh.
Twankey
(halts) Cheek! I’m fit as a butcher’s dog, I am.
Chorus 4
That explains why you look dog rough..
Twankey
(advancing on Chorus) Why you cheeky little…!
Wishee
Saved by the bell! (runs off into the launderette)
Twankey
(to Chorus) I’m about to drag Wishee out here again, so I’d clear off if I were you.
Chorus 1
Why?
Twankey
Because I’m about to murder him in cold-blood!
Chorus 2
Do you mind if we video it on our mobiles, and post it on youtube?
Twankey
(to audience) Young people are so desensitised these days, aren’t they? I blame all those violent video games. (to Chorus) Clear off you sickos! (shoos them off SR)
Music cue 5: Lights dim as Abanazer enters (SL)
Abanazer
Peking at last. Now all I have to do is find this boy Aladdin, and untold power will be within my grasp. (spots Twankey) Pardon me, old woman.
Twankey
Old woman? How dare you!
Abanazer
Please accept my humble apologies. (to audience) I should have said old hag.
Twankey
I haven’t seen you around here before. What’s your name?
Abanazer
It’s, Abanazer.
Twankey
What-anazar?
Abanazer
Aba, Aba!
Twankey
Abba? Oh, I love them! (sings) Take a chance on me! Take a chance on me!
Abanazer
No thanks. I’m looking for a young boy.
Twankey
No point in fluttering my eyelashes at you, then.
Abanazer
His name is, Aladdin.
Abanazer
Did you say, Aladdin?
Abanazer
Yes. Do you know him?
Twankey
I ought to. I’m his mum.
Abanazer
You mean to say, I’m talking to my dear sister-in-law?
Twankey
(exclaims) Sister-in-law!?
Abanazer
I am your husband’s long-lost brother.
Twankey
I didn’t even know he had a brother, let alone lost one. Mind you, he was careless.
Abanazer
And I didn’t know I had a brother, until I recently discovered the terrible truth.
Twankey
Think yourself lucky. I married it.
Abanazer
Our parents were desperately poor and couldn’t afford to feed two children. So they gave me away, when I was just a baby.
Twankey
You must hate them for doing that.
Abanazer
Not in the least. I’m sure they only did what they thought best
Twankey
I must say, you have a very forgiving nature…for a man.
SFX: Clanking noises.
Wishee runs in from the launderette.
Wishee
Wishee-Wishee-Wishee! The washer’s playing up again, mum.
Twankey
Never mind that now. Allow me to introduce your long-lost, Uncle Ali Baba.
Abanazer
It’s Abanazer! And I come with a wonderful proposal for you, Aladdin.
Wishee
I’m not Aladdin, I’m Wishee Washee.
Abanazer
Then where is Aladdin?
Wishee
Who knows? He could be anywhere..
Abanazer
Doesn’t he work in the family business, then?
Abanazer
Not so that you’d notice.
Aladdin runs on (SR)
Twankey
Speak of the devil.
Wishee
Aladdin! You’re just in time to meet our long-lost, Uncle Albania.
Abanazer
It’s, Abanazer! (to Aladdin) I’m your father’s younger brother.
Aladdin
I didn’t even know father had a brother.
Abanazer
(snaps) Well he did! And now that I’ve found you, I’m going to make you all very rich.
Wishee
How?
Twankey
Maybe he’s won the lottery, and wants to share his good fortune with us.
Abanazer
I don’t do the lottery.
Aladdin
Then how do you intend to make us all rich?
Abanazer
Deep in the mountains there lies a cave, holding untold treasure…oh, and a dirty old lamp. Fetch me the lamp, and you can keep all the treasure for yourself and your family.
Wishee
Why don’t you just fetch it yourself?
Abanazer
I’m too large to fit through the entrance. But a young slim boy will easily make it.
Aladdin
(to audience) Do you think I should I trust him, boys and girls? (response)
Abanazer
Ignore them. They’re just jealous.
Aladdin
What do you think, mum?
Twankey
I think I’d like to be stinking rich, Aladdin.
Wishee
And at least then we could afford a new washing machine.
Aladdin
All right, uncle. I’ll do it.
Abanazer
A wise decision, Aladdin. I’ll just go and fetch some mountaineering equipment, and then return for you. (aside to audience as he exits) Soon all the power in the world will be mine! (exits SL laughing)
Twankey
I’ve waited years for my ship to come in, and now a whole fleet has just arrived.
Wishee
Something’s nagging away at the back of my mind, Aladdin.
Aladdin
That’s usually mum.
Twankey
Not this time, boys. And I’m not one for looking a gift-horse in the mouth. Music cue 6: Twankey, Aladdin and Wishee. After song ends…Music cue 7: Feng and Shui enter (SR) and Aladdin hides behind Wishee.
Feng & Shui
Make way for the Emperor! Make way for the Emperor!
Chorus rush on (SL) and all get into position ready to greet the Emperor, who enters (SR)
Emperor
Citizens of Peking! Your beloved Emperor has decreed that my daughter Princess Pomegranate must marry within the week. Suitors for her hand may present themselves tomorrow, at the palace. However, only incredibly rich people need apply. She will also shortly be making her daily visit to the bath-house. And no commoner must gaze upon her face, on pain of death. Music cue 8:
Feng
(looking off SR) Princess Pomegranate approaches!
Shui
(to Chorus) Clear the streets! Clear the streets!
Twankey
(to Wishee and Aladdin) Come on boys, let’s clear off.
Aladdin
But I want to stay and see the Princess, mum.
Twankey
And just what do you think will happen then?
Aladdin
Who knows? Our eyes might meet. We might instantly fall in love, get married and live happily ever after.
Wishee
That sort of thing only happens in panto, Aladdin
Aladdin
So, there’s a pretty good chance then?
Twankey
Try, no chance Aladdin. Besides, the Emperor said that only rich people need apply. And we’re that poor, at Christmas we can only afford to exchange glances. Now let’s go before we all get into trouble. (drags them both off SL)
Feng and Shui herd Chorus off (SL) and follow them off. A curtained sedan-chair enters (SR) carried by Bearers. So-Shy follows on with several Guards.
Princess
Halt! (the chair is set down, the curtains open and Princess Pomegranate emerges) Oh no, not again!
Emperor
What’s wrong, daughter dear?
Princess
There’s nobody here, father.
Emperor
That’s because it’s forbidden for commoners, to gaze upon your royal features.
Princess
But why, father?
Emperor
Because it’s against all our ancient customs.
Princess
I’m sick of ancient customs. Why can’t we have some modern ones for a change?
Emperor
Such as?
Princess
Such as allowing me to choose for myself, who I wish to marry?
Emperor
Don’t you trust me to find you a suitable husband, Pomegranate?
Princess
I’m sure you mean well father. But I want to marry for love, not custom.
Emperor
That’s all well and good, my dear. But the royal coffers are chronically short of cash. So, you must marry somebody rich enough, to restore our royal fortunes.
So-Shy
No pressure then, Princess.
Emperor
Things are that bad, I might have to make even more cutbacks to the royal staff.
Princess
But you’ve already made most of them, redundant father. So-Shy here, is the only handmaiden I have left. When will this austerity ever end?
Emperor
Just as soon you marry somebody rich. Preferably a Prince. I’m off back to the palace, to see what’s left to pawn. Come along now.
Princess
But I was hoping to do a spot of shopping first, father.
Twankey
Impossible! Shops are run by common people, who aren’t allowed to see your face.
Twankey
I’ll wear my yasmak. (takes out a yasmak and puts it on) There. Now nobody can see my face. Happy now?
Twankey
Oh, very well. Make sure the Princess returns to the palace in one hour, So-Shy.
So-Shy
Yes, your majesty.
Emperor
And on no account must you speak to any boys, Pomegranate.
Princess
No, father.
Emperor
I’ll see you later, then. (exits)
Princess
Father certainly knows how to put the guilt trip on me, doesn’t he So-Shy?
So-Shy
Yes, and it usually works.
Pomegranate removes her yasmak.
So-Shy
Your father won’t like you removing your yasmak, your highness.
Princess
What father doesn’t know won’t hurt him, will it?
Twankey
Well I certainly won’t be telling him. Otherwise I might get it in the neck…literally.
Princess
I hope it never comes to the point of letting you go, So-Shy.
So-shy
Me too, Princess. I think I’ll pop into Twankey’s Launderette, and see if they’re hiring.
Princess
You’re not thinking of leaving the palace are you?
So-shy
I don’t want to. But I must keep my options open, in case I’m made redundant.
Princess
But I’d miss you terribly if you left.
So-shy
And I’d miss you too, your highness. But I can’t live on fresh air.
Princess
I understand So-Shy.
So-Shy
Wait here, while I go inside and enquire.
Bearer 1
We’re coming with you.
So-Shy
What for?
Bearer 2
We might be made redundant too.
So-Shy
Fair enough, I suppose.
So-Shy and Bearers exit into the launderette.
Princess
(walks DSR) Father needn’t worry about any boys speaking to me. They’re all much too scared of the penalty for doing so. I doubt I’ll ever meet a normal boy.Aladdin creeps on (DSL)
Aladdin
(to audience) I managed to give mum the slip and returned to see the Princess. (spots her) That must be her! Gosh she’s beautiful. I wonder if I should dare speak to her. Do you think I should, boys and girls? (response) All right then, I will. After all, who dares wins. (moves to her) Hello Princess!
Princess
(turns) It’s you!
Aladdin
Is it?
Princess
I’m sure of it.
Aladdin
Who am I then?
Princess
You’re the boy who pinched a pink peach, from my private palace pagoda!
Aladdin
You mean you saw me?
Princess
Yes! And if my father ever finds out, you risk losing your head.
Aladdin
I don’t mind risking my head, for my heart’s desire.
Princess
You mean, a peach?
Aladdin
No! I mean you, your highness.
Princess
And what is your name, my bold thief?
Aladdin
Aladdin, your highness. I’m not a thief.
Princess
You stole a peach, didn’t you?
Aladdin
Where I come from it’s called, scrumping.
Princess
And what’s the difference?
Aladdin
Well…it’s…erm. You’re not going to dob me in, are you?
Princess
No, Aladdin. And you may call me, Pomegranate.
Aladdin
Thank you your high…I mean, Pomegranate. I’m surprised to see you here alone. I thought you weren’t allowed outside the palace unattended.
Princess
I’m not unattended.
Aladdin
(looking around) Then where is your entourage?
Princess
They’re inside Twankey’s Launderette, enquiring after a job.
Aladdin
They won’t have any luck there, I’m afraid.
Princess
What makes you say that?
Aladdin
It’s my mum’s launderette, and we can barely afford to employ ourselves. Don’t they want to work for you anymore, then?
Princess
Yes, but the palace might not be able to afford to employ them for much longer.
Aladdin
Don’t tell me the royal mint’s skint.
Princess
Not quite, but it has got a great big hole in it.
Aladdin
It sounds like a royal, Polo Mint. (laughs)
Princess
It’s no laughing matter Aladdin.
Aladdin
I’m sorry Pomegranate, but money isn’t everything you know.
Princess
Try telling my father that.
Aladdin
Look at me, I’m poor but happy. I’m even happier, now that I’ve met you.
Princess
And I’m happy I’ve met you Aladdin. If only father would realise, that there’s more to life than money. Like happiness…kindness…
Aladdin
(smitten)…Love?
Princess
(smitten) Especially, love. Music cue 9: Aladdin and Princess. After song ends…So-Shy and Bearers re-enter from the launderette.
So-Shy
No luck I’m afraid. (spots Aladdin) Hey, you!
Aladdin
(looks about then points to himself) Who, me?
So-Shy
Yes, you! Don’t you realise you’re risking your life, speaking to the Princess?
Aladdin
Yes, but I would risk anything for her.
Princess
He’s totally brave, isn’t he So-Shy?
So-Shy
Totally stupid, you mean.
SFX: Police whistles.
Aladdin
It’s the law!
So-Shy
Time to go your highness! (tries bundling Pomegranate into the sedan)
Princess
What are you doing So-Shy?
So-Shy
Saving your idiot friend’s life.
Aladdin
What do you mean?
So-Shy
If the police see you with the Princess, you’re sure to be executed.
Princess
She’s right Aladdin. I must go.
Aladdin
When can I see you again?
Princess
There are plenty more peaches in my pagoda, just waiting to be scrumped. Bye Aladdin! (kisses him on the cheek and climbs inside the sedan)
So-Shy
(to Bearers) Get moving!
Bearers lift the sedan chair and carry it off (USL) So-Shy follows on behind. Feng and Shui sneak on (SR)
Aladdin
(dreamily) Gosh! I can’t believe I’ve just been kissed by a Princess! (stares after her and doesn’t notice Feng and Shui sneaking up on him)
Feng
(grabbing Aladdin) Aladdin Twankey! You’re under arrest!
Aladdin
For what?
Shui
For pinching the royal peaches!
Aladdin
I never touched her peaches! It was only a peck on the cheek!
Feng
Come along quietly and don’t makes things worse for yourself.
Shui
He can’t make things worse for himself.
Feng
Why can’t he?
Shui
He’s already facing the death penalty. And it can’t get much worse than that, can it?
Feng
Oh yes, it can.
Aladdin
How?
Shui
They might torture you first.
Aladdin
I wish I hadn’t asked now.
Shui
Let’s go Aladdin.
Aladdin
(pointing SL behind them) It’s the Emperor!
Feng & Shui
Your majesty! (they release Aladdin and bow. Aladdin runs off (SR) after a few seconds, they look up and realise they’ve been tricked)
Feng
He’s tricked us!
Shui
After him!
They run off after Aladdin.
Twankey
(off) Aladdin! Where are you?
Wishee & Twankey enter (SL)
Wishee! Wishee! Wishee! It’s no use mum, we’ll never find Aladdin.
Twankey
You’re right, Wishee. That’s because your brother’s slippier, than an M.P on Question Time.
Female Chorus run on (SR)
Chorus.
Mrs Twankey! Mrs Twankey!
Twankey
Whatever’s the matter girls?
Chorus 1
It’s about your son, Aladdin!
Twankey
What about him?
Chorus 2
He’s just run past us, with two police officers chasing after him.
Twankey
It seems they’re not giving up on Aladdin this time, Wishee.
Wishee
Don’t worry mum, they’ll never catch him.
Twankey
Well not if we catch him first, they won’t. Come on!
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