Aladdin A Genie-us Panto

Scene One

Outside Twankey’s Launderette In Peking Square

A practical launderette door is (USR) and a large laundry basket is (USC) Music cue 4: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus exit (SL)

Wishee enters from the launderette.

Wishee
Hello boys and girls! My name’s Wishee Washee, and I’m the toughest, meanest, strongest laundry boy in the whole of Peking! I’m fully trained in Karate, Judo, Kung-Fu, Jujitsu and Origami! Who wants to be in my gang? (audience respond) Great! Whenever I come on I’ll shout ‘hiya gang’, and you can all shout back ‘hiya Wishee.’ Will you do that? Let’s have a go then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya gang! (audience respond) You’ll have to do better than that. Let’s try it again. (repeats business) That’s better. You’re now all members of, ‘Wishee’s Washup Gang’. Which means that whenever mum asks me to wash a load of dirty, smelly laundry. You must all give me a hand – only joking.

Lots of clattering and shouting is heard off stage.

Twankey
(shouts off) Look out! Runaway laundry!

Chorus run on (SL) followed by Widow Twankey, riding on an old-fashioned bicycle with a basket on the front, piled high with washing.

Twankey
Gangway!

Chorus run around stage to avoid being hit, as she circles the stage, narrowly missing them. She eventually crashes off into the wing (SR)

SFX: Crashing sounds.

Twankey staggers on, with laundry draped all over her.

Wishee
What on earth are you doing, mum?

Twankey
I had to collect loads of laundry this morning, so I thought I’d use the bike.

Wishee
The brakes on that old thing are dodgy, mum.

Wishee
So I’ve just discovered! (removes the laundry)

Chorus 1
You could have caused someone a serious injury just then!

Twankey
I think I have…me. (rubbing her bottom) Ooohh! I think my big end’s gone

Wishee
(glancing at her bottom) No mum, it’s still there.

Twankey
Watch it! (removes items of laundry and hands them to Wishee) Go and put these clothes in the laundry basket.

Wishee
Okay, mum. (takes laundry over to the basket)

Chorus 2
Didn’t you notice the speed limit sign, Mrs Twankey?

Twankey
Yes, but I was going too fast to read it.

Chorus 3
You could get arrested for speeding.

Twankey
Where’s the proof that I was speeding?

Chorus 4
The speed camera will have snapped your face.

Chorus 5
That’s another one bust, then.

Twankey
Cheek! Clear off, before I kick you all up the dim-sums! (chases Chorus off SL)

Wishee rejoins Twankey (CS)

Aladdin enters (SR)

Aladdin
(to Wishee & Twankey) Hello, you two.

Twankey
Aladdin! Where have you been all morning?

Aladdin
Here and there.

Wishee
Doing what?

Aladdin
This and that.

Twankey
You didn’t happen to go anywhere near the royal palace, by any chance?

Aladdin
I might’ve done.

Wishee
Don’t tell me you’re still trying to catch a glimpse of Princess Jasmine.

Twankey
Especially when you know what the penalty is, if you’re caught.

Wishee
Anyone caught peeking at the Princess, is immediately sentenced to death.

Aladdin
I know, Wishee. But the thought of seeing her is driving me out of my mind.

Twankey
If you ask me, you’re already out of your mind Aladdin.

SFX: Police whistles.

Wishee
It’s the police!

Twankey
Oh, no! Somebody must have spotted Aladdin at the palace!

Aladdin
I’d better hide! But where?

Wishee
(holding up laundry basket lid) In this laundry basket! (to audience) Where else?

Aladdin climbs into the side the basket and shuts the lid)

Chop & Suey enter (SR) blowing their whistles.

Wishee
If you’re looking for Aladdin, he went that-a-way. (points SL)

Suey
Thanks! (to Chop) Let’s get after him constable Chop.

Chop
Forget it Constable Suey, we don’t have time. Princess Jasmine will be arriving shortly, and we must remind everybody about the royal protocol.

Wishee
But we all know the royal protocol.

Chop
Yes, but this lot…(indicates audience)…won’t. Tell them Constable Suey.

Suey
(to audience) People caught peeking at the Princess, will perish painfully.

Chop
(to audience) Whenever the Princess enters, everybody must keep their eyes shut tight until she leaves.

Twankey
(to audience) And she’s on quite a bit, so you’re probably not going to see much of the show.

Chop
(to Twankey) When you see Aladdin, tell him we want to question him.

Twankey
You’ll be wasting your time asking him questions. He can’t even get those ones on the telly competitions right. (to audience) You know the ones. What do you call the big bright yellow thing in the sky? A: A Mirage? B: The Sun? Or C: A fried egg?

Suey
I entered that competition!

Chop
And what did you put as your answer?

Suey
A fried egg.

Chop
Why on earth did you put, a fried egg?

Suey
I thought it might be a trick question.

Chop
(pushing Suey off) Twit! Let’s go, before everybody thinks all police officers are daft.

Twankey
Perish the thought.

Chop and Suey exit (SL)

Wishee
(lifting basket lid) You can come out now, Aladdin. They’ve gone.

Aladdin
(climbing out) I don’t know why the police have always got it in for me. Especially after all the times I’ve helped them with their enquiries.

Twankey
It’s a mystery all right.

Aladdin
Listen both of you. I’ve got some marvellous news!

Twankey
Don’t tell me they’ve found a cure for idleness.

Wishee
They haven’t, have they?

Aladdin
Relax Wishee, it’s not that.

Twankey
Then what is it?

Aladdin
I’ve decided to get married!

Twankey
That’s a bolt from the green.

Wishee
Don’t you mean, ‘blue’?

Twankey
No, green. I’m colour blind. (to Aladdin) So, who are you marrying then?

Wishee
Is it that girl from the shoe shop, who took a shine to you.

Aladdin
No, Wishee.

Twankey
Is it that girl from the fish shop, who thinks you’re a good catch?

Aladdin
No, mum.

Wishee
Then who is it?

Aladdin
Princess Jasmine, of course!

Twankey
Don’t be ridiculous Aladdin. Everybody knows it’s death for commoners to look upon the Princess’s face.

Wishee
Let alone anything else of hers. Anyway, you’d need to be rich for that to happen.

Aladdin
I have this feeling that I’ll soon have piles of money.

Twankey
You might have piles, but it won’t be money. Now forget all this silly talk, and both of you come with me. You’re going to do something you’ve never done before.

Wishee
What’s that then?

Twankey
Work!

Aladdin
I’d love to mum, but I’ve got a touch of tennis elbow.

Wishee
(rubbing his knee) Ooooh! Me too.

Twankey
That sounds like a racket to get out of doing any work. Get inside the pair of you, before I serve up a couple of backhanders! (to audience) ‘Racket’? ‘Backhanders’? ‘Tennis’? Oh, forget it. (all exit into launderette)

Music cue 6: Abanazer enters (SL)

Abanazer
(looks at sign) ‘Twankey’s Launderette’. This is the place. I must be careful not to let Aladdin know, why I want the lamp. Once I have it, I will snuff out his worthless life! Ha-ha-ha! (knocks on the shop door)

Wishee enters from the launderette.

Wishee
Hiya gang! (to Abanazer) What do you want chum?

Abanazer
Don’t call me ‘chum’! It makes me sound like dog-food.

Wishee
Sorry, pal.

Abanazer
Do you know where I can get hold of Widow Twankey?

Wishee
Anywhere you like, she’s not fussy.

Abanazer
Is she at home?

Wishee
Yes, but she’s otherwise engaged.

SFX: Flushing toilet.

Wishee
I think she’s available now. I’ll go and tell her you’re here. (calling as he exits) Mum! There’s a man out here who wants to grab hold of you.

Twankey rushes on.

Twankey
Where is the lucky man?

Abanazer
Good day, madam. I am ‘Abanazer’.

Twankey
‘Ali Baba’! I think you’re in the wrong panto love.

Abanazer
It’s ‘Abanazer’!

Twankey
What can I do for you, Mr Acapella?

Abanazer
‘Abanazer’! I am your husband’s long-lost brother.

Twankey
You can’t be – my husband never had a brother.

Abanazer
And I’m the brother he never had. I’m also incredibly rich.

Twankey
Rich!? Oh yes, now I remember. He used to talk about you all the time.

Abanazer
Tell me, how is my dear sibling?

Twankey
I’m afraid he’s no longer with us.

Abanazer
You’re divorced?

Twankey
No, but we are separated.

Abanazer
Do you think he will ever return to you?

Twankey
I hope not. He’s been dead ten years.

Abanazer
My poor brother is dead?

Twankey
Well I should hope he was, ‘cos we buried him.

Abanazer
(feigning grief) Oh, woe is me! My poor brother – dead!

Twankey
(sits on the bench) Come and sit down for a bit.

Abanazer
(aside to audience) Maybe if I flatter the old bag, she’ll allow Aladdin to come with me. (joins her) How did my poor brother meet his end?

Twankey
He died in a gas explosion.

Abanazer
How dreadful!

Twankey
It warned him not to have vindaloo and brown ale for supper. Tell me, are you married?

Abanazer
No, I’ve never met the right woman…until now that is. I don’t wish to be forward, but would you mind if I wooed you?

Twankey
(grabs his hand and places it on her knee) Feel free.

Abanazer
(gazing at her) Oh, those eyes…those lips…those cheekbones…those chins! (to audience) Her face looks like a pile of crumpets.

Twankey
Flatterer! I’m not usually this forward on a first date, but you may kiss me if you like. (closes eyes and puckers up)

Abanazer
All in good time. First, I wish to meet your son Aladdin and get his blessing.

Twankey
What for? He’s a laundry boy, not a flaming vicar.

Abanazer
But you do have a son called ‘Aladdin’?

Twankey
I might have.

Abanazer
Don’t you know?

Twankey
Well that all depends.

Abanazer
On what?

Twankey
On why you’re asking.

Abanazer
I’d like to borrow him, for a bit.

Twankey
A bit of what!?

Abanazer
I have some work I need doing.

Twankey
If you can get Aladdin to do any work, then you’re a better man than me. Er…not that I’m a man, mind. I just have a husky voice.

Abanazer
I will pay you handsomely for his services. (hands her a bag of gold)

Twankey
Where are my manners. Of course, you can borrow him. (shouts) Aladdin! Wishee! Get out here now!

Aladdin and Wishee enter from the launderette.

Wishee
Hiya gang!

Aladdin
What is it mum?

Twankey
Boys. I’d like you to meet your Uncle Appetizer. He’s your father’s brother.

Wishee
But I thought dad was an only child.

Twankey
So, did I. but it appears we were wrong.

Aladdin
How do you know he’s really our uncle?

Twankey
I’ve just vetted him.

Wishee
In public?

Aladdin
So, what can we do for you uncle?

Abanazer
It’s more a case of what I can do for you.

Wishee
You’ve brought us some free washing powder?

Abanazer
No. I’m offering Aladdin the chance to make you all wealthy, beyond imagination!

Aladdin
Imagine that mum!

Twankey
I can’t.

Wishee
Why not?

Twankey
‘Cos he just said it was ‘beyond imagination’.

Aladdin
And what do I have to do in return, uncle?

Abanazer
I have a little job that needs doing, badly.

Twankey
Well you’ve certainly picked the right person. Aladdin does everything badly.

Aladdin
It doesn’t involve any heavy lifting does it? Only I have this back problem, see.

Twankey
The only back problem you have, is lifting it off the bed in the morning.

Abanazer
Don’t worry, it involves very little effort.

Aladdin
In that case, I’ll do it.

Abanazer
Excellent! I will pick you up tomorrow at 6am.

Twankey
That’s a bit early isn’t it. (coyly) I might have to answer the door in my nightie.

Abanazer
On second thoughts, I’ll call back later today. (exits SL)

Aladdin
Gosh, mum. We could soon be millionaires!

Twankey
Millionaires! Music cue 7: Twankey, Aladdin & Wishee. After song ends…

Wishee
I can’t wait to be filthy rich!

Twankey
Me too. But until then, we’ll carry on as normal. Now let’s get inside and get washing.

Aladdin
Okay mum, but I just have to find my bus pass first.

Twankey
Why do you need a bus? It’s only a few yards away!

Aladdin
No, mum! I think I might’ve dropped it outside the palace. If the police find it, they’ll assume I’ve been peeking at the Princess.

Twankey
They’d assume right.

Wishee
But if you go back for it, they might nab you Aladdin.

Aladdin
That’s a chance I’ll have to take Wishee. Bye! (exits SL)

Twankey
Aladdin! Come back! He’s gone. Let’s go and get that washing done, Wishee. It’ll take my mind off Aladdin getting caught by the police.

Twankey and Wishee exit into launderette.

Jasmine and Suki enter (SR)

Suki
I don’t think sneaking out of the palace was a good idea, your highness. The police are searching for a dangerous thief called ‘Aladdin’, who tried scaling the palace walls. And we don’t want to bump into the desperado, do we?

Jasmine
Ironic, isn’t it? This Aladdin is trying to break into the palace, and for years I’ve been trying to break out of it.

SFX: Police whistles.

Aladdin runs on (SL) looking for somewhere to hide, but the basket has gone.

Aladdin
(to Jasmine & Suki) The police are after me! Please hide me!

Suki
It must be the thief, Aladdin! Help! Police!

Aladdin
Don’t give me away! I’m innocent, honest!

Suki
That’s what they all say.

Aladdin
But it’s true I tell you!

Suki
I don’t believe you.

Jasmine
Well I do.

Suki
Why?

Jasmine
He has an honest face. (aside to Suki) And a handsome one at that. (to Aladdin) Don’t worry, we won’t give you away. (to Suki) Will we Suki?

Suki
But…

Jasmine
(firmly)…Will we Suki?

Suki
No, your high…(Jasmine places a hand over her mouth)

Jasmine
…Someone’s coming! Hide behind us, Aladdin!

Aladdin
Thanks! (hides behind them)

Chop and Suey run on (SL) blowing their whistles.

Chop
All right, where is he?

Jasmine
Who, officers?

Chop
Aladdin Twankey! We were chasing him just now and he ran this way.

Jasmine
I didn’t see anyone.

Suey
(to Suki) And what about you?

Jasmine
She didn’t see anyone either.

Chop
Can’t she speak for herself?

Jasmine
No…she’s…erm…a mute! (Suki stares at Jasmine open-mouthed and Jasmine pushes her chin up to close her mouth)

Chop
(turns to audience) I’ll ask this lot. Did Aladdin run through here just now? (Jasmine shakes her head and encourages audience to say ‘no’)

Suey
Are you sure? (audience respond)

Chop
Never mind, we’ll catch him. (to Jasmine & Suki) And if you’re telling fibs, we’ll return and nick you both.

Suki
(forgetting herself) I don’t think you realise who you’re talking to.

Suey
I thought you couldn’t speak!

Suki
Well I can! (pointing to Jasmine) And this is Princess Jasmine!

Chop
(disbelieving) And I’m Simon Cowell!

Suey
I thought your name was ‘Constable Chop’.

Chop
(hits Suey with truncheon) Shut it.

Suki
You don’t believe me?

Chop
Do I look stupid to you?

Suki
Yes!

Jasmine
Perhaps my ring with the royal seal will convince you. (displays the ring)

Suey
Oh, ‘eck! It really is Princess Jasmine!

Chop
What is you highness doing outside the palace, alone?

Jasmine
I’m not alone. I have Suki with me and we’re travelling incognito.

Suey
What does that mean?

Jasmine
It means I don’t want anybody to know I’m here.

Suki
Especially her parents.

Chop
We’ll if you’ll excuse us, we must go and nick Aladdin. Come along constable Suey.

Chop and Suey exit (SR)

Aladdin
You’re Princess Jasmine!?

Suki
Yes, and you’re the thief called Aladdin.

Aladdin
My name’s ‘Aladdin’, but I’m no thief. I’m a poor boy…(slaps thigh)…but honest.

Jasmine
Then why were you trying break into the palace?

Suki
It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Jasmine
Is it?

Suki
He’s after stealing gold and jewels.

Jasmine
Well, Aladdin?

Aladdin
I was after stealing something much more precious, your highness

Jasmine
And what might that be?

Aladdin
A glimpse of you.

Jasmine
You risked your life just to see me?

Aladdin
I would risk anything to see you, your highness.

Jasmine
Well now you have, you no longer need to risk your life by climbing the palace walls.

Aladdin
But then how would I ever see you again?

Suki
Don’t you realise you could be executed, for even looking at the Princess?

Jasmine
She’s right, Aladdin. My father is terribly strict.

Aladdin
I don’t care. I’d risk anything to see you again.

Jasmine
Oh, Aladdin. All my life I’ve longed to escape from the palace and meet somebody brave and adventurous like you.

Aladdin and Jasmine gaze into each other’s eyes, oblivious to Suki who mimes putting fingers down throat.

Suki
Well now you have, we’d better get back to the palace before anybody realises you’re missing.

Jasmine
You go back to the palace Suki and I’ll follow you shortly.

Suki
But what do I to tell your parents if they ask where you are?

Jasmine
I’m sure you’ll think of something. Now please leave us.

Suki
Yes, your highness. (exits SR)

Jasmine
Would you really risk anything to see me again, Aladdin?

Aladdin
Even my life, your highness.

Jasmine
Please, call me ‘Jasmine’.

Aladdin
Do you think it’s possible we could see each other again, Jasmine?

Jasmine
I’d love to. But my father is planning to marry me off to the richest man he can find.

Aladdin
I’m about to become very rich myself, as it happens. Maybe you could stall him until I return and present myself as a suitor for your hand?

Jasmine
You wish to marry me!?

Aladdin
With all my heart, Jasmine.

Jasmine
That’s a bit sudden isn’t it? Even for a panto.

Aladdin
Yes, but if your father intends marrying you off soon. I can’t exactly hang about, can I?

Jasmine
I guess not. Luckily I feel the same way about you, Aladdin.

Aladdin
You do?

Jasmine
From the moment our eyes first met.

They hold hands and walk downstage. Curtains/tabs close behind them, lights dim and a spotlight comes up on them.