Scene One
Outside Twankey’s Launderette In Peking Square
A practical door is (USR) a large laundry basket is (USC) a small bench is near the shop. Music cue 4: Chorus. After song ends…Chorus exit (SL) Wishee enters from the launderette.
Wishee
Hello boys and girls! My name’s Wishee Washee, and I’m the toughest, meanest, strongest laundry boy in the whole of Peking! I’m fully trained in Karate, Judo, Kung-Fu, Jujitsu and Origami! Who wants to be in my gang? (response) Great! Whenever I come on, I’ll shout hiya gang, and you can all shout back hiya Wishee! Will you do that for me? Let’s have a go then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya gang! (response) You’ll have to do better than that. Let’s try it again. (repeats business) That’s better. You’re now all members of, Wishee’s Washup Gang. Which means that whenever mum asks me to wash a load of dirty, smelly laundry. You must all give me a hand – only joking.
Twankey
(clattering and shouting offstage) Help! Runaway laundry!
Chorus run on (SL) followed by Widow Twankey, riding on an old-fashioned bicycle with a basket on the front, piled high with washing.
Twankey
Gangway!
Chorus run around stage to avoid being hit, as she circles the stage. She eventually crashes off into the wing (SR)
SFX: Crashing sounds.
Twankey staggers on, with laundry draped all over her.
Wishee
What on earth are you doing, mum?
Twankey
I had to collect loads of laundry this morning, so I thought I’d use the bike.
Wishee
But the brakes on that old thing are dead dodgy, mum.
Twankey
So I’ve just discovered! (removes the laundry)
Wishee
You could’ve caused someone a serious injury just then!
Twankey
I think I have…me. (rubbing her bottom) Ooohh! I think my big end’s gone
Wishee
(glancing at her bottom) No mum, I’m afraid it’s still there.
Twankey
Watch it! (removes laundry) Now go and put these clothes in the laundry basket.
Wishee
Okey-dokey. (takes laundry over to the basket)
Chorus 1
Didn’t you notice the speed limit sign, Mrs Twankey?
Twankey
Yes, but I was going much too fast to read it.
Chorus 2
You might get a speeding ticket now.
Twankey
And where’s the proof that I was speeding?
Chorus 3
The speed camera will have snapped your face.
Chorus 4
That’s another one bust, then.
Twankey
Cheek! Clear off, before I kick you all up the dim-sums! (chases Chorus off SL)
Aladdin enters (SR)
Aladdin
Hello, mum! Hello Wishee!
Wishee
Aladdin! Where have you been all morning?
Aladdin
Here and there.
Wishee
Doing what?
Aladdin
This and that.
Twankey
You didn’t happen to go anywhere near the royal palace, by any chance?
Aladdin
I might’ve done.
Wishee
Don’t tell me you’re still trying to catch a glimpse of Princess Yasmin.
Twankey
Especially when you know what the penalty is, if you’re caught.
Wishee
Anyone caught peeking at the Princess, is immediately sentenced to death.
Aladdin
I know that, Wishee. But the thought of seeing her is driving me out of my mind.
Twankey
You’re already out of your mind if you ask me.
SFX: Police whistles.
Wishee
It’s the police!
Twankey
Oh, no! Somebody must have spotted you at the palace Aladdin!
Aladdin
I’d better hide, quick! But where?
Wishee
(lifting basket lid) In this laundry basket! (to audience) Where else?
Aladdin climbs into the side the basket and shuts the lid) Aladdin climbs inside the basket and shuts the lid as Yin and Yang enter (SR) blowing their whistles.
Yin
Where is Aladdin?
Wishee
He went that-a-way. (points SL)
Yang
Thanks! Let’s get after him constable Yin.
Yin
Forget it Constable Yang, we don’t have time. Princess Yasmin will be arriving shortly, and we must remind everybody about the royal protocol.
Wishee
But we already know the royal protocol.
Yin
Yes, but this lot…(indicates audience)…won’t. Tell them Constable Yang.
Yang
(to audience) People caught peeking at the Princess Yasmin, will perish painfully.
Yin
Whenever the Princess enters, everybody must keep their eyes shut until she leaves.
Twankey
(to audience) And she’s on quite a bit, so you’ll probably miss a lot of the action.
Yin
(to Twankey) When you see Aladdin, tell him we want to question him.
Twankey
You’ll be wasting your time asking him questions. He can’t even get those ones on the telly competitions right. (to audience) You know the ones. What do you call the big bright yellow thing in the sky? A: A Mirage? B: The Sun? Or C: A fried egg?
Yang
I entered that competition!
Yin
And what did you put down as your answer?
Yang
A fried egg.
Yin
Why on earth did you put, a fried egg?
Yang
I thought it might be a trick question.
Wishee
How could anybody be that stupid, mum?
Twankey
I don’t know, but you’d give any idiot a run for their money.
Yin
(shoving Yang off) Get off, before people start thinking, all police officers are idiots.
Yin and Yang exit (SL)
Wishee
(lifting basket lid) You can come out now, Aladdin. They’ve gone.
Aladdin
(climbing out) I don’t know why the police have always got it in for me.
Wishee
Me neither. Especially after all the times you’ve helped them with their enquiries.
Twankey
It’s a mystery all right.
Aladdin
Listen both of you. I have some marvellous news.
Twankey
Don’t tell me they’ve found a cure for idleness.
Wishee
(worried) They haven’t, have they?
Aladdin
Relax Wishee, it’s not that.
Twankey
Then what is it?
Aladdin
I’ve decided to get married.
Twankey
That’s a bolt from the green.
Wishee
Don’t you mean, blue?
Twankey
No, green. I’m colour blind. So, who are you marrying then, Aladdin?
Wishee
Is it that girl from the shoe shop, who took a shine to you.
Aladdin
No, Wishee.
Twankey
Is it that girl from the fish shop, who thinks you’re a good catch?
Aladdin
No, mum.
Wishee
Is it that girl from the opticians, who keeps giving you the eye?
Aladdin
No, Wishee. She’s cross-eyed. It’s you she keeps looking at.
Twankey
You’d be all right there Wishee. Friends with benefits, and all that.
Wishee
What do you mean mum? Bearing in mind this is a family show.
Twankey
We’d all be eligible for a friends and family discount.
Wishee
I’m not going to date some cross-eyed girl, just so that you can get a discount!
Twankey
Self, self, self!
Wishee
So, who’s the lucky girl then, Aladdin?
Aladdin
Princess Yasmin, of course.
Twankey
I think I need my hearing checking. I thought you said Princess Yasmin, just then.
Aladdin
I did, mum
Twankey
Don’t talk daft Aladdin. Everybody knows it’s death for commoners to look upon the Princess’s face.
Wishee
Let alone anything else of hers.
Twankey
And besides, you’d have to be filthy rich in order to marry a Princess.
Aladdin
I have a feeling that I’ll soon have piles of money, mum.
Twankey
You might have piles son, but it won’t be money. Now forget all this nonsense, and come with me, both of you. You’re going to do something you’ve never done before.
Wishee
What’s that then, mum?
Twankey
Work!
Aladdin
I’d love to mum, but I’ve got a touch of tennis elbow.
Wishee
(rubbing his knee) Ooooh! Me too.
Twankey
That sounds like a racket to get out of doing any work. Get inside the pair of you, before I serve up a couple of backhanders! (to audience) Racket? Backhanders? Tennis? Oh, forget it. (all exit into launderette)
Music cue 6: Abanazer enters (SL) and sees the shop sign.
Abanazer
Twankey’s Launderette. This is the place. I must be careful not to let Aladdin know, why I want the lamp. Once I have it, I will snuff out his worthless life! (knocks on door)
Wishee enters from the launderette.
Wishee
Hiya gang! (to Abanazer) What do you want pal?
Abanazer
Don’t call me, Pal! It makes me sound like a dog-food.
Wishee
Sorry, chum.
Abanazer
Do you know where I can get hold of Widow Twankey?
Wishee
Anywhere you like, she’s not fussy.
Abanazer
Is she at home?
Wishee
Yes, but she’s otherwise engaged.
SFX: Flushing toilet.
Wishee
I think she’s available now. (calling) Mum! There’s a man out here who wants to get hold of you.
Twankey rushes on adjusting her dress
Twankey
Get inside and find something useful to do, Wishee.
Wishee
Okay, mum. I’ll go and play on my X-box. (exits inside)
Abanazer
Good day, madam. My name, is Abanazer.
Twankey
Ali Baba! I think you’re in the wrong panto love.
Abanazer
I said Abanazer, not Ali Baba!!
Twankey
What can I do for you, Mr Acapella?
Abanazer
It’s Abanazer! And I am your husband’s long-lost brother.
Twankey
You can’t be.
Abanazer
Why can’t I?
Twankey
Because my husband never had a brother.
Abanazer
And I’m the brother he never had. I’m also incredibly rich.
Twankey
Oh yes, now I remember now. He used to talk about you all of the time.
Abanazer
And how is my dear sibling?
Twankey
I’m afraid he’s no longer with us.
Abanazer
You’re divorced?
Twankey
No, but we are separated.
Abanazer
Do you think he will ever return to you?
Twankey
I hope not. He’s been dead for ten years.
Abanazer
My poor brother is dead?
Twankey
Well I should hope he was, ‘cos we buried him.
Abanazer
(wails) Oh, woe is me! My one and only brother – dead!
Twankey
(sits on the bench) Come and sit down for a bit.
Abanazer
(to audience) If I flatter the old bag, she’s bound to allow Aladdin to come with me. sits) So, how did my poor brother meet his end?
Twankey
He died in a gas explosion.
Abanazer
How dreadful!
Twankey
It was his own fault. I warned him against having vindaloo and brown ale for supper. Tell me, are you married?
Abanazer
No. I’ve not met the right woman…until now that is. Would you think me forward if I wooed you?
Twankey
No. I prefer a forward man. As opposed to the backward one I married.
Abanazer
(gazing at her) Oh, those eyes…those lips…those cheekbones…those chins! (aside to audience) They look like a pile of soggy crumpets.
Twankey
Flatterer! I’m not usually this forward on a first date, but you may kiss me if you like. (closes eyes and puckers up)
Abanazer
All in good time. First, I wish to meet your son Aladdin and get his blessing.
Twankey
What for? He’s a laundry boy, not a flaming vicar.
Abanazer
But you do have a son called, Aladdin?
Twankey
I might have.
Abanazer
Don’t you know?
Twankey
That all depends.
Abanazer
On what?
Twankey
On why you’re asking.
Abanazer
I’d like to borrow him, for a bit.
Twankey
For a bit of what!?
Abanazer
I have a little job that needs doing.
Twankey
If you can get Aladdin to do any work, then you’re a better man than me. Er…not that I’m a man, mind. I have a husky voice, that’s all.
Abanazer
I will pay you handsomely for his services. (shows her a bag of gold)
Twankey
Where are my manners. Of course, you can borrow him. (snatches the bag) Aladdin! Wishee! Get out here now!
Aladdin and Wishee enter from the launderette.
Wishee
Hiya gang!
Aladdin
What is it mum?
Twankey
Boys. I’d like you to meet your Uncle Appetizer. He’s your father’s long-lost brother.
Wishee
But I thought dad was an only child.
Twankey
So, did I. but it appears we were wrong.
Aladdin
How do you know he’s really our uncle?
Twankey
Because I’ve just vetted him, personally.
Wishee
What! In front of everybody?
Aladdin
So, what can we do for you uncle?
Abanazer
It’s more a case of what I can do for you.
Wishee
And what can you do for us?
Abanazer
I’m offering Aladdin the chance to make you all wealthy, beyond imagination!
Aladdin
Imagine that mum!
Twankey
I can’t, Aladdin.
Wishee
Why not?
Twankey
Because he just said, it was beyond imagination.
Aladdin
And what do I have to do in return, uncle?
Abanazer
I have a little job that needs doing, badly.
Twankey
Well you’ve certainly picked the right person. Aladdin does everything badly.
Aladdin
It doesn’t involve any heavy lifting does it? Only I have this back problem, see.
Twankey
The only problem you have with your back, is lifting it off the bed in the morning.
Abanazer
Don’t worry, it involves almost no physical effort.
Aladdin
In that case, I’ll do it.
Abanazer
Excellent! I will pick you up tomorrow morning at six.
Twankey
That’s rather early isn’t it. I might have to answer the door in my see-through nightie.
Abanazer
On second thoughts, I’ll call back later today. (exits SL)
Aladdin
Gosh, mum. We could soon be millionaires!
Twankey
Millionaires! Music cue 6: Twankey, Aladdin & Wishee. After song ends…
Wishee
I can’t wait to be filthy rich!
Twankey
Me too. But until then, we’ll carry on as normal. Now let’s get inside and get washing.
Aladdin
Okay mum, but I have to find my bus pass first.
Twankey
Why do you need a bus? It’s only a few flaming yards away!
Aladdin
I think I might’ve dropped it outside the palace. If the police find it, they’ll assume I’ve been peeking at the Princess.
Twankey
They’d assume right.
Wishee
But if you go back for it, the cops might cop you, Aladdin.
Aladdin
That’s a chance I’ll have to take Wishee. Bye then! (exits SL)
Twankey
Aladdin! Come back! Too late, he’s gone. Let’s go and get that washing done, Wishee. It’ll take my mind off Aladdin getting caught by the law.
Twankey and Wishee exit into launderette. Yasmin and Suki enter (SR)
Suki
I don’t think that sneaking out of the palace was such a good idea, your highness. The police are searching Peking for a dangerous thief called Aladdin, who tried scaling the palace walls. And we don’t want to bump into the desperado, now do we?
Yasmin
Ironic isn’t it, Suki? This Aladdin is trying to break into the palace, and for years I’ve been trying to break out of it.
SFX: Police whistles.
Aladdin runs on (SL) looking for somewhere to hide, but the basket has gone.
Aladdin
(to Yasmin & Suki) The police are after me! You must hide me!
Suki
It must be the thief, Aladdin! Help! Police!
Aladdin
Please don’t give me away! I’m innocent, honest!
Suki
That’s what they all say.
Aladdin
But it’s true I tell you!
Suki
I don’t believe you.
Yasmin
I do, Suki.
Suki
Why?
Yasmin
He has an honest face. (aside to Suki) And a very handsome one at that. (to Aladdin) Don’t worry, we won’t give you away. (to Suki) Will we Suki?
Suki
But…
Yasmin
(firmly)…Will we Suki?
Suki
No, your high…(Yasmin places a hand over her mouth)
Yasmin
…Someone’s coming! Hide behind us, Aladdin!
Aladdin
Thanks! (hides behind them)
Yin and Yang run on (SL) blowing their whistles.
Yin
All right, where is he?
Yasmin
Who, officers?
Yin
Aladdin Twankey. We were chasing him just now and he ran this way.
Yasmin
I didn’t see anybody.
Yang
(to Suki) And what about you?
Yasmin
She didn’t see anybody either.
Yin
Can’t she speak for herself, then?
Yasmin
No…she’s…erm…a mute! (Suki stares at Yasmin open-mouthed and Yasmin pushes her chin up to close her mouth)
Yin
I’ll ask this lot. (indicates audience) Did Aladdin run through here just now?
Yasmin shakes her head and encourages audience to say, no
Yang
Are you sure? (response)
Yin
Never mind, we’ll catch him. (to Yasmin & Suki) And if you’re telling fibs, we’ll return and nick you both.
Suki
I don’t think you realise who you’re talking to, officer.
Yang
I thought you couldn’t speak!
Suki
Well I can. (pointing) And this is Princess Yasmin.
Yin
Oh yes, and I’m Simon Cowell!
Yang
I thought your name was Constable Yin.
Suki
Don’t you believe me, then?
Yin
Do I look stupid to you?
Suki
Yes you do, actually.
Yasmin
Perhaps my ring with the royal seal will convince you officers. (displays the ring)
Yang
Oh, ‘eck! It really is Princess Yasmin!
Yin
What is you highness doing outside the palace, alone?
Yasmin
I’m not alone. I have Suki with me and we’re travelling incognito.
Yang
What does that mean?
Yasmin
It means I don’t want anybody to know I’m here.
Suki
Especially not her parents.
Yin
Well, if you’ll excuse us. We must go and nick Aladdin. Come along constable Yang.
Yin and Yang exit (SR)
Aladdin
You’re Princess Yasmin!?
Suki
Yes, she is. And you’re the thief called, Aladdin.
Aladdin
My name’s Aladdin, but I’m no thief. I’m a poor boy…(slaps thigh)…but honest.
Yasmin
Then why were you trying break into the palace?
Suki
It’s obvious, isn’t it?
Yasmin
Is it?
Suki
Yes! He was after stealing gold and jewels.
Yasmin
Well, Aladdin?
Aladdin
I was after stealing something much more precious than that, your highness
Yasmin
And what might that be?
Aladdin
A glimpse of you.
Yasmin
You risked your life just to see me?
Aladdin
I would risk anything to see you, Princess.
Yasmin
And now that you have, you no longer need to risk your life by climbing the palace walls.
Aladdin
But then how would I ever see you again?
Suki
Don’t you realise you could be executed, for just looking at the Princess?
Yasmin
She’s right, Aladdin. My father is terribly strict.
Aladdin
His guards would have to catch me first.
Yasmin
Oh, Aladdin. All my life I’ve longed to escape from the palace and meet somebody brave and adventurous like you.
Aladdin and Yasmin gaze into each other’s eyes.
Suki
Ahem! Sorry to interrupt your highness, but we’d better get back to the palace before anybody discovers that you’re missing.
Yasmin
You go back to the palace alone Suki and I’ll be along shortly.
Suki
But what if your parents ask me where you are?
Yasmin
I’m sure you’ll think of something to tell them. Now, please leave us.
Suki
(reluctant) Yes, your highness. But I think you’re only courting trouble. (exits SR)
Yasmin
Would you really risk anything to see me again, Aladdin?
Aladdin
Anything your highness. Even my life.
Yasmin
Please, call me Yasmin.
Aladdin
Do you think it’s possible we could see each other again, Yasmin?
Yasmin
I’d love to. But my father is planning to marry me off to the richest man he can find.
Aladdin
I’m about to become very rich myself, soon. Perhaps I would make a good suitor?
Yasmin
You wish to marry me!?
Aladdin
With all my heart, Yasmin.
Yasmin
That’s a bit sudden isn’t it? Even for a panto.
Aladdin
I know, but if your father intends marrying you off soon. I can’t exactly hang about, now can I?
Yasmin
I suppose not. Luckily, I feel the same way about you, Aladdin.
Aladdin
You do?
Yasmin
From the moment that our eyes first met.
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