Outside Twankey’s Laundrette
A practical door is (USR) large laundry basket is (USC) a small bench is near the shop. Music cue 4: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus (SL)
Enter Wishee from the Laundrette.
WISHEE: Hello boys and girls! My name’s Wishee Washee, and I’m the toughest, meanest, strongest laundry boy in the whole of Peking! I’m fully trained in Karate, Kung-Fu and Origami! Who wants to be in my gang? Whenever I come on, I’ll shout hiya gang, and you all shout back hiya Wishee! Let’s have a practice then. (exits & re-enters) Hiya gang! That wasn’t very loud. Let’s try it again. (repeat business) That’s better. You’re now all members of, WISHEE’S WASHUP GANG. That means whenever mum asks me to wash a load of dirty, smelly laundry. You must all lend a hand – only joking!
Enter Chorus at a run (SL) screaming – followed by Widow Twankey on a bicycle with a basket on the front containing laundry.
TWANKEY: Help! Runaway laundry! (crashes off into the wing SR)
SFX: Crashing sounds.
Enter Twankey (SR) staggering on, draped in laundry.
WISHEE: What on earth are you doing, mum?
TWANKEY: I had to collect loads of laundry, and thought I’d use the shop bike.
WISHEE: But the brakes on that old thing are dead dodgy.
TWANKEY: So I’ve just discovered.
WISHEE: You could’ve caused somebody a serious injury just then.
TWANKEY: I think I have – me. (rubbing her bottom) Ooooh! I think my big end’s gone.
WISHEE: (glancing) No mum, I’m afraid it’s still there.
TWANKEY: Watch it! Here, put these clothes in the laundry basket.
WISHEE: Okey-dokey. (takes laundry to basket)
CHORUS 1: Didn’t you notice the speed limit sign, Mrs Twankey?
TWANKEY: Yes, but I was going too fast to read it.
CHORUS 2: You might get a speeding ticket now.
TWANKEY: And where’s the proof that I was speeding?
CHORUS 3: The speed camera will have snapped your face.
CHORUS 4: That’s another one bust, then.
TWANKEY: Clear off, before I kick you all up the dim sums! (shoos Chorus off SL)
Enter Aladdin (SR)
ALADDIN: Hello you two!
TWANKEY: Aladdin! Where have you been all morning?
ALADDIN: Here and there.
WISHEE: Doing what?
ALADDIN: This and that.
TWANKEY: You didn’t go anywhere near the royal palace, by any chance?
ALADDIN: I might’ve done.
WISHEE: You’re not still trying to catch a glimpse of Princess Yasmin, are you?
TWANKEY: Especially when you know the penalty if you’re caught.
ALADDIN: But the thought of seeing her is driving me out of my mind!
WISHEE: If you ask me, you’re already out of your mind, Aladdin.
SFX: Police whistles.
ALADDIN: It’s the police!
TWANKEY: Somebody must’ve spotted you near the palace!
ALADDIN: I’d better hide! But where?
WISHEE: Inside this laundry basket! (to audience) Where else?
ALADDIN: Good idea Wishee. (climbs in basket and shuts lid)
Enter Yin and Yang (SR) blowing whistles.
YIN: Where is Aladdin?
WISHEE: (pointing SL) He went that-a-way.
YANG: Let’s get after him Constable Yin!
YIN: Forget it Constable Yang. Princess Yasmin will be arriving shortly, and we must remind everybody of the royal protocol.
TWANKEY: But we already know the royal protocol.
YIN: Yes, but this lot…(indicates audience)…won’t. Tell them Constable Yang.
YANG: People peeking at the Princess, will perish particularly painfully.
YIN: Whenever she enters, you must keep your eyes shut tight until she exits.
WISHEE: And she’s on quite a bit, so you’ll probably miss a lot of the action.
YIN: When you see Aladdin, tell him we want to question him.
TWANKEY: You’ll be wasting your time. He can’t even get those stupid questions on the TV competitions right. You know the ones. What do you call the big bright yellow thing in the sky? A: A Mirage? B: The Sun? Or C: A fried egg?
YANG: I entered that one!
YIN: What answer did you put down?
YANG: A fried egg.
YIN: Why on earth did you put a fried egg?
YANG: I thought it might be a trick question.
WISHEE: How could anybody be that stupid?
TWANKEY: Beats me – but you’d give him a run for his money.
YIN: Let’s go Constable Egghead. (shoves Yang off SL and follows)
WISHEE: You can come out now, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: (climbing out) I don’t know why the police have always got it in for me.
WISHEE: Me neither. Considering all the times you’ve helped them with their enquiries.
TWANKEY: It’s a mystery all right.
ALADDIN: Anyway, never mind them. I’ve got some marvellous news!
TWANKEY: Don’t tell me they’ve found a cure for idleness.
WISHEE: They haven’t, have they!?
ALADDIN: Relax Wishee, it’s not that.
TWANKEY: Then what is it?
ALADDIN: I’ve decided to get married.
TWANKEY: That’s a bolt from the green!
ALADDIN: Don’t you mean, blue?
TWANKEY: No, green. I’m colour blind. So, who’s the lucky girl then?
WISHEE: Is it that girl from the shoe shop, who took an instant shine to you?
ALADDIN: No, Wishee.
TWANKEY: Is it her from the fish shop who thinks you’re a good catch?
ALADDIN: No, mum.
WISHEE: Is it that optician’s receptionist who keeps giving you the eye?
ALADDIN: No Wishee, she’s cross-eyed. It’s you she keeps looking at.
TWANKEY: Snap her up Wishee. Friends with benefits and all that?
WISHEE: What do you mean mum? Bearing in mind this is a family show.
TWANKEY: We’ll all be eligible for a family and friend’s discount.
WISHEE: I’m not going to date some cross-eyed girl, just so you can get a discount!
TWANKEY: It’s, self, self, self, with you Wishee, isn’t it?
WISHEE: Tell us who she is then, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: Princess Yasmin, of course.
TWANKEY: I need my hearing checking. I thought you said Princess Yasmin, just then.
ALADDIN: I did, mum.
TWANKEY: But everyone knows its death for commoners to look upon the Princess’s face.
WISHEE: Let alone anything else of hers.
TWANKEY: Besides, you need to be filthy rich to marry a Princess.
ALADDIN: I get the feeling I’ll soon have piles of cash.
TWANKEY: You might have piles son, but it won’t be money. Now get inside the pair of you. You’re going to do something you’ve never done before.
WISHEE: And what’s that, mum?
ALADDIN: I’d love to mum, but I’ve got a touch of tennis elbow.
WISHEE: (rubbing his knee) Ooooh! Me too.
TWANKEY: That sounds like a racket to get out of doing any work. Now get inside, before I serve up a couple of backhanders! (laughs) Racket? Backhanders? Tennis? Never mind. (shoves them inside and follows)
Music cue 5: Enter Abanazar (SL)
ABANAZAR: Twankey’s Laundrette. This is the place. I mustn’t let Aladdin know why I want the lamp. Once I have it, I will snuff out his worthless life. (knocks on door)
WISHEE: Hiya gang! What do you want pal?
ABANAZAR: Don’t call me, pal! It makes me sound like a dog food.
WISHEE: Sorry, chum.
ABANAZAR: Do you know where I can get hold of Widow Twankey?
WISHEE: Anywhere you like, she’s not fussy.
ABANAZAR: Is she at home?
WISHEE: Yes, but she’s otherwise engaged.
SFX: Flushing toilet.
WISHEE: She’s free now. Mum! There’s a man out here who wants to grab hold of you!
Enter Twankey at a run adjusting her dress.
TWANKEY: Go inside and find something useful to do, Wishee.
WISHEE: Okay, mum. I’ll go and play on my Xbox. (exits)
TWANKEY: How may I help you, Mr…?
TWANKEY: Ali Baba!? I think you’re in the wrong panto love.
ABANAZAR: I said, Abanazar!
TWANKEY: What can I do for you, Mr Acapella?
ABANAZAR: It’s Abanazar! And I’m your husband’s long-lost brother.
TWANKEY: You can’t be.
ABANAZAR: Why can’t I?
TWANKEY: My husband never had a brother.
ABANAZAR: And I’m the brother he never had. I’m also stinking rich.
TWANKEY: Oh yes, I remember you now. He used to talk about you all the time.
ABANAZAR: How is my dear sibling?
TWANKEY: I’m afraid he’s no longer with us.
ABANAZAR: You’re divorced?
TWANKEY: No, but we are separated.
ABANAZAR: Do you think he will ever return to you?
TWANKEY: I doubt it. He’s been dead ten years.
ABANAZAR: My poor brother is dead!?
TWANKEY: I certainly hope he was, ‘cos we buried him.
ABANAZAR: (wails) Woe is me! My one and only brother – dead!
TWANKEY: (sits on bench) Come and sit down for a bit.
ABANAZAR: (aside to audience) If I flatter the old bag, she’s bound to allow Aladdin to come with me. (sits) How did my poor brother meet his untimely end?
TWANKEY: He died in a gas explosion.
ABANAZAR: How dreadful!
TWANKEY: It was his own fault. I warned him against mixing vindaloo and Guinness. Tell me are you married?
ABANAZAR: No, I’ve not met the right woman – until now that is. Would you think me forward if I wooed you?
TWANKEY: I prefer a forward man. As opposed to the backward one I married.
ABANAZAR: Have you ever been wooed before?
TWANKEY: Yes, and once I was vewy, vewy wooed.
ABANAZAR: (gazing at her) Those eyes – those lips – those cheekbones – those chins! (aside) They’re like a pile of soggy crumpets.
TWANKEY: Flatterer! I’m not usually this forward on a first date, but you may kiss me if you like. (puckers up)
ABANAZAR: All in good time. First, I’d like to meet your son Aladdin and get his blessing.
TWANKEY: What for? He’s a flaming laundry boy, not the Pope.
ABANAZAR: But you do have a son called Aladdin?
TWANKEY: I might have.
ABANAZAR: Don’t you know?
TWANKEY: That all depends.
ABANAZAR: On what?
TWANKEY: On why you’re asking.
ABANAZAR: I’d like to borrow him, for a bit.
TWANKEY: For a bit of what?
ABANAZAR: I have a little job that needs doing.
TWANKEY: If you can get Aladdin to do any work, you’re a better man than me – not that I’m a man, mind. I just have a husky voice.
ABANAZAR: I’ll pay you handsomely for his services. (shows a moneybag)
TWANKEY: Where are my manners. Of course, you can borrow him. (snatches bag) Aladdin! Wishee! Get out here, now!
Enter Aladdin and Wishee.
WISHEE: Hiya gang!
ALADDIN: What is it, mum?
TWANKEY: I’d like you to meet your long-lost, Uncle Appetizer.
ABANAZAR: It’s, Abanazar!
WISHEE: Uncle!? But I thought dad was an only child.
TWANKEY: So did I. But it appears we were all wrong.
ALADDIN: How do we know he’s really our uncle? He could be anybody.
TWANKEY: I’ve just vetted him – personally.
WISHEE: What – in front of all these people?
ALADDIN: What can we do for you, Uncle Ebenezer?
ABANAZAR: It’s Abanazar! And it’s more about what I can do for you, Aladdin.
WISHEE: And what can you do for me?
ABANAZAR: I’m offering you the chance to make your family wealthy, beyond imagination!
ALADDIN: Imagine that mum!
TWANKEY: I can’t, son.
WISHEE: Why not?
TWANKEY: Didn’t you hear him just say, it was beyond imagination?
ALADDIN: And what do I have to do in return for all this wealth?
ABANAZAR: I have a little job that needs doing badly.
TWANKEY: Then you’ve picked the right person. Aladdin does everything, badly.
ALADDIN: It doesn’t involve heavy lifting does it? Only I have this back problem, see.
TWANKEY: The only problem you have with your back, is lifting it off the bed.
ABANAZAR: The job involves very little physical effort.
ALADDIN: In that case, I’ll do it.
ABANAZAR: You won’t regret it. (aside) Not much. I’ll pick you up tomorrow morning at six.
TWANKEY: That’s very early. I might have to answer the door in my see-through nightie.
ABANAZAR: On second thoughts I’ll call back this evening. (exits SL)
ALADDIN: Just think, mum. We might soon all be millionaires!
TWANKEY: Millionaires! Music cue 6: Twankey, Aladdin & Wishee. After song ends…
WISHEE: I can’t wait to be filthy rich!
TWANKEY: Me too, but until then we’ll carry on as normal. Now go inside and get working.
ALADDIN: Okay mum, I just need to find my bus pass first.
TWANKEY: Why do you need a bus? It’s only a few yards away!
ALADDIN: I think I might’ve dropped it at the palace. If the police find it, they’ll assume I’ve been peeking at the Princess.
TWANKEY: And they’ll assume right.
WISHEE: If you go back for it, the cops might cop you Aladdin.
ALADDIN: That’s a chance I’ll have to take Wishee. Cheerio! (exits SL)
TWANKEY: (shouts) No, Aladdin! Too late, he’s gone. Let’s go inside and get washing, Wishee. It’ll help take my mind off Aladdin getting nabbed by the law.
Exit Twankey and Wishee into laundrette.
Enter Princess Yasmin and Suki (SR)
SUKI: I don’t think sneaking out of the palace was such a good idea, your highness.
YASMIN: Why not, Suki?
SUKI: The Peking police are searching for a thief called Aladdin, who tried scaling the palace walls. And we don’t want to bump into the desperado now, do we?
YASMIN: Ironic isn’t it? This Aladdin is trying to break into the palace, and for years I’ve been trying to break out of it.
SFX: Police whistles.
Enter Aladdin at a run (SL)
SUKI: It’s the desperado, Aladdin! Help! Police!
ALADDIN: Please don’t give me away! I’m innocent – honest!
SUKI: That’s what they all say.
ALADDIN: But it’s true I tell you!
SUKI: I don’t believe you.
YASMIN: Well, I do Suki. He has an honest face. (aside) And a handsome one at that.
SFX: Police whistles.
SUKI: It’s the police!
YASMIN: Quick, Aladdin! Hide behind us!
ALADDIN: Thanks! (hides behind them)
Enter Yin and Yang at a run (SL) blowing whistles.
YIN: All right, where is he?
YASMIN: Where is who, officers?
YIN: Aladdin Twankey. We were chasing him just now and he ran this way.
YASMIN: I didn’t see anybody.
YANG: (to Suki) What about you?
YASMIN: She didn’t see anybody either.
YIN: Can’t she speak for herself then?
YASMIN: No, she’s, erm – a mute! (Suki stares open-mouthed at Yasmin who pushes her chin up to close her mouth)
YIN: (to audience) Did Aladdin run through here just now?
Yasmin stands behind them shaking her head.
YANG: (to audience) Are you quite sure about that?
YIN: Never mind, we’ll catch him.
YANG: And if you’re telling fibs, we’ll return and nick the lot of you.
YIN: (to Yasmin & Suki) And that also goes for you two.
SUKI: I don’t think you realise who you’re talking to, officer.
YANG: I thought you couldn’t speak.
SUKI: Well, I can. And this here, is Princess Yasmin.
YIN: Oh yes, and I’m Simon Cowell.
YANG: Really? I thought your name was, Constable Yin.
SUKI: Don’t you believe me, officers?
YIN: Do we look stupid to you?
SUKI: Yes, you do actually.
YASMIN: Perhaps my royal ring will convince you, officers. (displays a ring)
YANG: Oh, ‘eck! It really is the Princess!
YIN: What is your highness doing outside the palace alone?
YASMIN: I’m not alone. I have Suki with me and we’re travelling incognito.
YANG: What does that mean?
YASMIN: It means I don’t want anybody knowing I’m here.
SUKI: Especially not her parents.
YIN: If you’ll excuse us, we must go and nick Aladdin. Let’s go, Constable Yang.
Exit Yin and Yang (SR)
ALADDIN: You’re Princess Yasmin!?
YASMIN: That’s right.
SUKI: And you are a common thief.
ALADDIN: I’m not a thief. I’m a poor boy, but honest.
YASMIN: Then why were you trying to break into the palace?
SUKI: It’s obvious isn’t it?
YASMIN: Is it, Suki?
SUKI: He was after stealing gold and jewels and stuff.
ALADDIN: No, I wasn’t! I was after stealing something much more precious.
YASMIN: And what might that be?
ALADDIN: A glimpse of you, Princess.
YASMIN: You risked your life just to see me?
ALADDIN: I would risk anything to see you, Princess.
YASMIN: And now that you have, you needn’t risk your life scaling the palace walls.
ALADDIN: But then how would I ever see you again?
SUKI: Don’t you realise you could be executed, just for looking at the Princess?
YASMIN: She’s right, Aladdin. My father the Emperor, is terribly strict.
ALADDIN: His guards would have to catch me first.
YASMIN: I’ve often longed to meet someone, brave and adventurous like you Aladdin.
SUKI: Let’s return to the palace before anybody discovers you’re missing, Yasmin.
YASMIN: You go back to the palace alone Suki – I’ll be along shortly.
SUKI: But what if your parents should ask where you are?
YASMIN: I’m sure you’ll think of something to tell them. Now, please leave us.
SUKI: Very well, your highness. But you’re only courting trouble. (exits SR)