Aladdin A Genie-us Panto (Perusal)

Scene One

Outside Twankey’s Laundrette In Peking Square

A practical door is (USR) a large laundry basket is (USC) a small bench is near the shop. Music cue 4: Chorus After song ends…Chorus exit (SL)

Enter Wishee from laundrette.

Wishee Hello boys and girls! My name’s Wishee Washee, and I’m the toughest, meanest, strongest laundry boy in the whole of Peking! I’m fully trained in Karate, Judo, Kung-Fu, Jujitsu and Origami! Who wants to be in my gang? (response) Great! Whenever I come on, I’ll shout hiya gang, and you all shout back hiya Wishee! Let’s have a practice then. (exits and re-enters) Hiya gang! You must do better than that. Let’s try it again. (repeats business) That’s better. You’re now all members of, Wishee’s Washup Gang. Which means that whenever mum asks me to wash a load of dirty, smelly laundry. You must all give me a hand. (laughs) Only joking!

Twankey (clattering and shouting offstage) Help! Runaway laundry!

Enter Chorus at a run (SL) followed by Widow Twankey, riding on a bicycle with a basket on the front containing laundry

Twankey Gangway!

Chorus scatter to avoid being hit and Twankey crashes off into the wing (SR)

SFX: Crashing sounds.

Enter Twankey (SR) staggering on with laundry draped around her.

Wishee What on earth are you doing, mum?

Twankey I had to collect loads of laundry, so I thought I’d use the shop bike.

Wishee But the brakes on that old thing are dead dodgy, mum.

Twankey So I’ve just discovered.

Wishee You could’ve caused somebody a serious injury just then.

Twankey I think I have…me. (rubbing her bottom) Ooooh! I think my big end’s gone.

Wishee (glancing behind) No, mum. I’m afraid it’s still there.

Twankey Watch it! (removes laundry) Here, go and put these clothes in the laundry basket.

Wishee Okey-dokey. (takes laundry over to the basket)

Chorus 1 Didn’t you notice the speed limit sign, Mrs Twankey?

Twankey Yes, but I was going too fast to read it.

Chorus 2 You might get a speeding ticket.

Twankey And where’s the proof I was speeding?

Chorus 3 The speed camera will have snapped your face.

Chorus 4 That’s another one bust, then.

Twankey Cheek! Clear off, before I kick you all up the dim-sums! (chases Chorus off SL)

Enter Aladdin (SR)

Aladdin Hello mum! Hello Wishee!

Twankey Aladdin! Where have you been all morning?

Aladdin Here and there.

Wishee Doing what?

Aladdin This and that.

Twankey You didn’t go anywhere near the royal palace, by any chance?

Aladdin I might’ve done.

Wishee Don’t tell me you’re still trying to catch a glimpse of Princess Yasmin?

Twankey Especially when you know what the penalty is, if you’re caught.

Aladdin But the thought of seeing her is driving me out of my mind!

Wishee You’re already out of your mind if you ask me.

SFX: Police whistles.

Aladdin It’s the police!

Twankey Somebody must have spotted you at the palace!

Aladdin I’d better hide, quick! But where?

Wishee (lifting basket lid) In this laundry basket! (to audience) Where else?

Aladdin climbs inside the basket and shuts the lid.

Enter Yin and Yang (SR) blowing whistles.

Yin (to Wishee & Twankey) Where is, Aladdin?

Wishee He went that-a-way. (points SL)

Yang Let’s get after him Constable Yin!

Yin Forget it Constable Yang, we don’t have time. Princess Yasmin will be arriving shortly, and we must remind everybody about the royal protocol.

Twankey But we already know about the royal protocol.

Yin Yes, but this lot…(indicates audience)…won’t. Tell them Constable Yang.

Yang People caught peeking at the Princess, will perish particularly painfully.

Yin Whenever the Princess enters, everybody must keep their eyes shut until she leaves.

Wishee (to audience) And she’s on quite a bit, so you’ll probably miss a lot of the action.

Yin (to Twankey) When you see Aladdin, tell him we want to question him.

Twankey You’ll be wasting your time asking him questions. He can’t even get those stupid ones on the telly competitions right. You know the ones. What do you call the big bright yellow thing in the sky? A: A Mirage? B: The Sun? Or C: A fried egg?

Yang I entered that competition!

Yin And what did you put down as the answer?

Yang A fried egg.

Yin Why did you put down a fried egg?

Yang I thought it might be a trick question.

Wishee How could anybody be that stupid?

Twankey Beats me. But you’d give him a run for his money.

Yin (shoving Yang off) Let’s go, Einstein. (exits SL with Yang)

Wishee (lifting basket lid) You can come out now, Aladdin. The cops have gone.

Aladdin (climbing out) I don’t know why the police have always got it in for me.

Wishee Me neither. Especially after all the times you’ve helped them with their enquiries.

Twankey It’s a mystery all right.

Aladdin Listen both of you. I have some marvellous news.

Twankey Don’t tell me they’ve found a cure for idleness.

Wishee (worried) They haven’t, have they?

Aladdin Relax Wishee, it’s not that.

Twankey Then what is it?

Aladdin I’ve decided to get married.

Twankey That’s a bolt from the green!

Aladdin Don’t you mean, blue?

Twankey No, green. I’m colour blind. So, who’s the lucky girl then?

Wishee Is it that girl from the shoe shop, who took an instant shine to you?

Aladdin No, Wishee.

Twankey Is it the girl from the fish shop, who thinks you’re a good catch?

Aladdin No, mum.

Wishee Is it that receptionist from the opticians, who keeps giving you the eye?

Aladdin No, Wishee. She’s cross-eyed. It’s you she keeps looking at.

Twankey You’d be all right there Wishee. Friends with benefits, and all that.

Wishee What do you mean mum? Bearing in mind this is a family show.

Twankey We’d all be eligible for a friends and family discount.

Wishee I’m not going to date some cross-eyed girl, just so that you can get a discount!

Twankey It’s, self, self, self, with you, isn’t it Wishee?

Wishee Come on Aladdin, tell us who it is.

Aladdin Princess Yasmin, of course.

Twankey I think I need my hearing checking. I thought you said Princess Yasmin, just then.

Aladdin I did, mum.

Twankey Don’t talk daft Aladdin. Everybody knows its death for commoners to look upon the Princess’s face.

Wishee Let alone anything else of hers.

Twankey Besides, you need to be filthy rich to marry a Princess.

Aladdin I have a feeling that I’ll soon have piles of money, mum.

Twankey You might have piles son, but it won’t be money. Now forget all this nonsense and come with me, both of you. You’re going to do something you’ve never done before.

Wishee And what’s that, mum?

Twankey Work!

Aladdin I’d love to mum, but I’ve got a touch of tennis elbow.

Wishee (rubbing his knee) Ooooh! Me too.

Twankey That sounds like a racket to get out of doing any work. Now get inside the pair of you, before I serve up a couple of backhanders! (to audience) Racket? Backhanders? Tennis? Oh, forget it. (shoves Aladdin & Wishee inside and follows)

Music cue 5: Enter Abanazar (SL)

Abanazar Twankey’s Laundrette. This is the place. I must be careful not to let Aladdin know, why I want the lamp. Once I have it, I will snuff out his worthless life! (knocks on door)

Enter Wishee from laundrette.

Wishee Hiya gang! (to Abanazar) What do you want pal?

Abanazar Don’t call me, pal! It makes me sound like a dog food.

Wishee Sorry, chum.

Abanazar Do you know where I can get hold of Widow Twankey?

Wishee Anywhere you like, she’s not fussy.

Abanazar Is she at home?

Wishee Yes, but I’m afraid she’s otherwise engaged.

SFX: Flushing toilet.

Wishee It’s vacant now. (shouts) Mum! There’s a man out here who wants to grab hold of you.

Enter Twankey from laundrette, adjusting her dress.

Twankey Go inside and find something useful to do, Wishee.

Wishee Okay, mum. I’ll go and play on my X-box. (exits inside)

Twankey (to Abanazar) Now then, how may I help you?

Abanazar Good day, madam. My name is Abanazar.

Twankey Ali Baba! I think you’re in the wrong panto love.

Abanazar I said Abanazar, not Ali Baba!

Twankey What can I do for you, Mr Acapella?

Abanazar It’s Abanazar! And I am your husband’s long-lost brother.

Twankey You can’t be.

Abanazar Why can’t I?

Twankey Because my husband never had a brother.

Abanazar And I’m the brother he never had. I’m also incredibly rich.

Twankey Oh yes, now I remember. He used to talk about you of all the time.

Abanazar And how is my dear sibling?

Twankey I’m afraid he’s no longer with us.

Abanazar You’re divorced?

Twankey No, but we are separated.

Abanazar Do you think he will ever return to you?

Twankey I sincerely hope not. He’s been dead for ten years.

Abanazar My poor brother is dead!?

Twankey Well I certainly hope he was, ‘cos we buried him.

Abanazar (wails) Oh, woe is me! My one and only brother – dead!

Twankey (sits on bench) Come and sit down for a bit.

Abanazar (to audience) If I flatter the old bag, she’s bound to allow Aladdin to come with me. (sits) How did my poor brother meet his untimely end?

Twankey He died in a gas explosion.

Abanazar How dreadful!

Twankey It was his own fault. I warned him against vindaloo and Guinness for supper. Tell me, are you married?

Abanazar No, I haven’t met the right woman…until now. Would you think me forward if I wooed you?

Twankey No. I prefer a forward man. As opposed to the backward one I married.

Abanazar Have you ever been wooed before?

Twankey Yes, and once I was vewy, vewy wooed.

Abanazar (gazing at her) Those eyes…those lips…those cheekbones…those chins! (aside to audience) They’re like a pile of soggy crumpets.

Twankey Flatterer! I’m not usually this forward on a first date, but you may kiss me if you like. (closes eyes and puckers up)

Abanazar All in good time. First, I wish to meet with your son Aladdin and get his blessing.

Twankey What for? He’s a laundry boy, not a flaming vicar.

Abanazar But you do have a son called Aladdin?

Twankey I might have.

Abanazar Don’t you know?

Twankey That all depends.

Abanazar On what?

Twankey On why you’re asking.

Abanazar I’d like to borrow him, for a bit.

Twankey For a bit of what?

Abanazar I have a little job that needs doing.

Twankey If you can get Aladdin to do any work, then you’re a better man than me…er…not that I am a man, mind. I just have a husky voice.

Abanazar I will pay you handsomely for his services. (shows her a bag of gold)

Twankey Where are my manners. Of course, you can borrow him. (snatches bag) Aladdin! Wishee! Get out here, now!

Enter Aladdin and Wishee from Laundrette.

Wishee Hiya gang!

Aladdin What is it now, mum?

Twankey Boys. I’d like you to meet your Uncle Appetizer. He’s your father’s long-lost brother.

Abanazar It’s, Abanazar!

Wishee But I thought you said that dad was an only child.

Twankey I always thought he was. But it seems I was wrong.

Aladdin How do you know he really is our uncle? He could be anybody.

Twankey Because I’ve just vetted him, personally.

Wishee What! In front of all these people?

Aladdin What can we do for you, uncle?

Abanazar It’s more a case of what I can do for you.

Wishee And what can you do for us?

Abanazar I am offering Aladdin the chance to make you all wealthy, beyond imagination!

Aladdin Imagine that mum!

Twankey I can’t, Aladdin.

Wishee Why not?

Twankey Because he just said it was, beyond imagination.

Aladdin And what do I have to do in return, for all this wealth?

Abanazar I have a little job that needs doing, badly.

Twankey Well you’ve certainly picked the right person. Aladdin does everything, badly.

Aladdin It doesn’t involve any heavy lifting does it? Only I have this back problem, see.

Twankey The only problem you have with your back, is lifting it off the bed in the morning.

Abanazar Don’t worry, it involves almost no physical effort.

Aladdin In that case, I’ll do it.

Abanazar You won’t regret it Aladdin. (aside) Much. I will pick you up tomorrow morning at six.

Twankey That’s a bit early isn’t it. I might have to answer the door in my see-through nightie.

Abanazar On second thoughts. I’ll call back this evening. (exits SL)

Aladdin Just think, mum. This time tomorrow, we might all be millionaires!

Twankey Millionaires! Music cue 6: Twankey, Aladdin & Wishee. After song ends…

Wishee I can’t wait to be filthy rich!

Twankey Me too. But until then, we’ll carry on as normal. Now let’s get inside and get washing.

Aladdin Okay mum. But first I must find my bus pass.

Twankey Why do you need a bus? It’s only a few flaming yards away!

Aladdin No, mum. I think I might have dropped it outside the palace. If the police find it, they’ll assume that I’ve been peeking at the Princess.

Twankey And they’d assume right, you great numpty!

Wishee But if you go back for it, the cops might cop you, Aladdin.

Aladdin That’s a chance I’ll have to take Wishee. Bye then! (exits SL)

Twankey Aladdin! Come back! Too late, he’s gone. Let’s go and get that washing done, Wishee. It might help take my mind off Aladdin getting caught by the law.

Twankey and Wishee exit into laundrette.

Enter Princess Yasmin and Suki (SR)

Suki I don’t think that sneaking out of the palace was such a good idea, your highness. The police are searching Peking for a dangerous thief called Aladdin, who tried scaling the palace walls. And we don’t want to bump into the desperado, now do we?

Princess Ironic isn’t it, Suki? This Aladdin is trying to break into the palace. And for years I’ve been trying to break out of it.

SFX: Police whistles.

Enter Aladdin at a run (SL)

Aladdin (to Yasmin & Suki) The police are after me! Please help me hide!

Suki It’s the desperado, Aladdin! Help! Police! Help!

Aladdin Please don’t give me away! I’m totally innocent, honest!

Suki That’s what they all say.

Aladdin It’s true I tell you!

Suki I don’t believe you.

Princess Well I do, Suki.

Suki But why do you?

Princess He has an honest face. (aside to Suki) And a very handsome one at that. (to Aladdin) Don’t worry, we won’t give you away. Will we Suki?

Suki But your…

Princess (firmly)…Will we Suki?

Suki No, your high…(Yasmin places a hand over her mouth)

SFX: Police whistles.

Princess Quick, Aladdin! Hide behind us!

Aladdin Thanks! (hides behind them)

Enter Yin and Yang at a run (SL) blowing whistles.

Yin All right, where is he?

Princess Where is who, officers?

Yin Aladdin Twankey. We were chasing him just now and he ran this way.

Princess I didn’t see anybody.

Yang (to Suki) And what about you?

Princess She didn’t see anybody either.

Yin Can’t she speak for herself, then?

Princess No…she’s…erm…a mute! (Suki stares at Yasmin open-mouthed and Yasmin pushes her chin up to close her mouth)

Yin I’ll ask the audience. (to audience) Did Aladdin Twankey run through here just now?

Yasmin shakes her head and encourages audience to say, no.

Yang (to audience) Are you sure? (response)

Yin Never mind, we’ll catch him. (to Yasmin & Suki) And if you’re telling fibs, we’ll return and nick you both. (to audience) And all you lot, too.

Suki I don’t think you realise who you’re talking to, officer.

Yang (to Princess) I thought you said she couldn’t speak.

Suki Well I can. (pointing) And this is Princess Yasmin.

Yin Oh yes, and I’m Simon Cowell.

Yang I thought your name was, Constable Yin.

Suki Don’t you believe me, officers?

Yin Do we look stupid to you?

Suki Yes!

Princess Perhaps my royal ring will convince you, officers. (displays the ring)

Yang Oh, ‘eck! It really is the Princess Yasmin!

Yin What is your highness doing outside the palace, alone?

Princess I’m not alone. I have Suki with me and we’re travelling incognito.

Yang What does that mean?

Princess It means I don’t want anybody knowing I’m here.

Suki Especially not her parents.

Yin Well, if you’ll excuse us. We must go and nick Aladdin. Come along constable Yang.

Yin and Yang exit (SR) Aladdin comes out of hiding.

Aladdin You’re Princess Yasmin!?

Suki Yes, she is. And you’re the thief called, Aladdin.

Aladdin My name’s Aladdin, but I’m no thief. I’m a poor, but honest boy.

Princess Then why were you trying to break into the palace?

Suki It’s obvious, isn’t it?

Princess Is it, Suki?

Suki Yes! He was after stealing gold and jewels and stuff.

Princess Is this true, Aladdin?

Aladdin I was after stealing something much more precious than that, your highness.

Princess And what might that be?

Aladdin A glimpse of you, of course.

Princess You risked your life just to see me?

Aladdin I would risk anything to see you, Princess.

Princess Well, now that you have. You need no longer risk your life by climbing the palace walls.

Aladdin But then how would I ever see you again?

Suki Don’t you realise that you could be executed, just for looking at the Princess?

Princess She’s right, Aladdin. My father is terribly strict.

Aladdin His guards would have to catch me first.

Princess Oh, Aladdin. All my life I’ve longed to meet somebody brave and adventurous like you.

Aladdin and Yasmin gaze into each other’s eyes.

Suki I’m sorry to interrupt your highness. But we’d better get back to the palace, before anybody discovers that you’re missing.

Princess You go back to the palace alone Suki, and I’ll be along shortly.

Suki But what if your parents should ask me where you are?

Princess I’m sure you’ll think of something to tell them. Now, please leave us.

Suki (reluctant) Very well, your highness. But you’re only courting trouble. (exits SR)

Princess Would you really risk anything to see me again, Aladdin?

Aladdin Anything your highness. Even my life.

Princess Please, call me Yasmin.

Aladdin Do you think it’s possible we could see each other again, Yasmin?

Princess I’d love to. But my father is planning to marry me off, to the richest man he can find.

Aladdin I’m about to become very rich myself soon. Perhaps I would make a good a suitor?

Princess You wish to marry me!?

Aladdin With all my heart, Yasmin.

Princess That’s a bit sudden isn’t it? Even for a panto.

Aladdin I know, but if your father intends marrying you off soon. Then I can’t exactly hang about, now can I?

Princess I suppose not. Luckily, I feel the same way about you Aladdin.

Aladdin You do?

Princess From the moment our eyes first met.

They hold hands and walk downstage. Curtains/tabs close behind them, lights dim – spotlight up on them.