SCENE ONE
THE TOWN OF WHOVILLE
Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Annie [SR]
ANNIE: Good morning, everybody!
CHORUS: Good morning, Annie!
ANNIE: Are you all looking forward to Christmas Day?
CHORUS: Yes, Annie!
ANNIE: Me too. And have you all made out your present lists for Santa?
CHORUS: Yes, Annie!
ANNIE: Well, I hope you all get what you’ve asked for.
Music cue 3: Enter Nora [SL] with a shopping bag full of presents.
ANNIE: Hello, Aunt Nora. Have you been out Christmas shopping again?
NORA: Yes, Annie, and I’ve bought some nice presents for your Aunt Flo’s kids.
ANNIE: What did you get them?
NORA: Electric hair clippers, a cordless drill and a home waxing kit.
ANNIE: Those things aren’t suitable for little children, Nora!
NORA: I’m sure the little dears will find some use them.
ANNIE: That’s what I’m afraid of. Luckily they can rely on Santa for some sensible presents.
NORA: Santa! [laughs] Don’t make me laugh, Annie.
ANNIE: Don’t you believe in Santa, Aunt Nora?
NORA: Is snow, white?
ANNIE: I bet all the boys and girls here believe in Santa.
NORA: And I’ll bet they don’t.
ANNIE: Boys and girls, on the count of three, everyone who believes in Santa, shout, ‘Santa’, as loud as you can.
NORA: And everyone who doesn’t believe in Santa shout, ‘Christmas crackers’!
ANNIE: After three. One…two…three!
NORA: I won!
ANNIE: Oh, no you didn’t! There were more shouts for Santa.
NORA: Rubbish, Annie, most of them are crackers!
Enter Mayor [SL]
MAYOR: Good morning, ladies, and a merry Christmas to you both!
ANNIE: Merry Christmas, Mr Mayor!
NORA: Hello, Cecil. [toying with his chain] If I pulled your chain, would you flush?
MAYOR: [removes her hand] Stop playing with my regalia!
NORA: I never touched your regalia!
MAYOR: [hands a letter to Nora] This is for you, Nora.
NORA: [excited] Is it a special marriage licence!?
MAYOR: No, it’s an exclusion order.
NORA: You mean, it excludes all other women from bothering you?
MAYOR: No, just you.
NORA: But don’t you find me strangely attractive, Cecil?
MAYOR: No, I find you strange and unattractive.
NORA: But I have everything a man could wish for.
MAYOR: You mean, a hairy chest, bulging biceps and a thick moustache?
NORA: I like a man with a sense of humour.
MAYOR: And I like a woman with a sense of shape.
NORA: Then you’re in luck, because I have the perfect womanly shape. [hoists bosom] When they made me, they broke the mould.
MAYOR: I don’t blame them.
NORA: You remind me of a young Brad Pitt.
MAYOR: And you remind me of a box of chocolates.
NORA: Is that because I’m sweet and tasty?
MAYOR: No, it’s because by the time I get to the bottom, I feel sick.
NORA: I never eat chocolate. [posing] I like to watch my figure.
MAYOR: Well, nobody else does.
NORA: If you’re not careful, I could go off you.
MAYOR: [pleads] When!?
NORA: [holds mistletoe over him] Would you like to kiss me under the mistletoe?
MAYOR: I wouldn’t kiss you under general anaesthetic.
NORA: Either way, you’d discover I’m a knockout. [coughs roughly]
ANNIE: That’s a nasty cough you’ve got there, Nora.
NORA: I always seem to get a sore throat at Christmas, Annie.
ANNIE: Have you seen a doctor about it?
NORA: Yes, Annie.
ANNIE: And what did they say?
NORA: They said I was suffering from ‘Tinsleitis’. [laughs] Tinsleitis? Never mind.
ANNIE: Have you posted your letter to Santa yet, Mr Mayor?
MAYOR: Yes, Annie, I sent it off to the North Pole ages ago.
NORA: If you ask me, you both want your heads testing.
ANNIE: Aunt Nora doesn’t believe in Santa, Mr Mayor.
MAYOR: Then perhaps this will convince her. [produces a letter and reads] ‘To all Whovillers, young and old. I’ve looked at my list and checked it twice, and I promise to deliver all the presents you’ve asked for this year. Yours truly, Santa. Ho-ho-ho! P.S. I love mince pies, and the reindeer love carrots’. There you are, Nora, proof positive Santa really does exist.
NORA: Well, he won’t be coming down my chimney.
ANNIE: What makes you so sure, Nora?
NORA: I live in a flat.
MAYOR: Santa has a magic key that will unlock any door.
NORA: So, do I, and it’s called a gold credit card. I’ve lots more Christmas shopping to do, Annie, and you can give me a hand.
ANNIE: Christmas isn’t all about shopping, Aunt Nora.
NORA: You could’ve fooled me. Let’s go max-out my credit cards. [coyly] I’ll see you later, Cecil.
Exit Nora and Annie [SR]
MAYOR: Not if I see her first. [exits SL]
Enter Charlie [SR]
CHARLIE: Hiya, kids! I’m Charlie Chuckle, Whoville’s Christmas Cheermeister, and it’s my job to ensure Santa’s visit goes without a hitch. I must make sure all the chimneys are swept clean and every child has a stocking to hang up. I must also make sure that everybody is happy, and if I see anybody looking glum, I send in the Chuckleleers to cheer them up. Some of you look like you need cheering up already. [shouts] Chuckleleers!
Music cue 4: Enter Chuckleleers into the hall. They run through the audience, tickling them with feather dusters before exiting.
CHARLIE: That seems to have done the trick. I get the feeling this Christmas will be the best ever. The only thing that could spoil it, would be the Grinch turning up. He’s such a misery-guts, he makes Scrooge seem like Santa by comparison. [lights dim] Music cue 5: Hello, it looks like something nasty’s brewing.
Enter Grinch [SL]
CHARLIE: I was right – I’m off! [turns to go]
