SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE SQUARE
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Villagers [SR]
Enter Justin [SR]
JUSTIN: Hello, boys and girls! My name’s Justin Thyme, and I live right here in the beautiful Kingdom of Slumberland. The kingdom was once terrorised by a nasty, fire-breathing dragon, and the King offered a huge reward to anybody who could slay it. The Pied Piper tried and became the, Fried Piper. Someone called Rab ended up as a kebab. But then a knight from Camelot speared the dragon, made it rollover, and won the jackpot.
Enter Town Crier [SR] who unwinds a scroll.
CRIER: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! King Rolo and Queen Bounty invite all citizens of Slumberland to a fancy-dress ball tomorrow night at the palace to celebrate the eighteenth birthday of Princess Aurora! Oh yeah! Oh yeah! [exits SR]
JUSTIN: I’ve always dreamed of meeting the Princess, and now I’ll get my chance.
Enter Walter [SL] carrying a cardboard box.
JUSTIN: Eh-up! It’s Walter, the village idiot. He never goes anywhere without his cardboard box, and we all play a little game called ‘what’s in the box, Walter’? You can play along too if you like. Whenever Walter comes on, somebody will lead you in shouting, ‘what’s in the box, Walter’? Actually, let’s give it a go right now. [leads audience] What’s in the box, Walter?
WALTER: It’s full of ‘air.
JUSTIN: You mean it’s empty?
WALTER: No, it’s full of ‘air.
JUSTIN: If it’s full of air, Walter, then it’s empty. A bit like your head.
WALTER: It’s not empty, it’s full of ‘air. [opens box and takes out a wig] See?
JUSTIN: Oh, you mean, hair!
WALTER: That’s what I just said.
JUSTIN: Yes, but you dropped the H, Walter.
WALTER: Did I? [scanning floor] Where?
JUSTIN: Never mind about that, Walter. Have you heard about the royal ball?
WALTER: Is a ball like a big party?
JUSTIN: Yes, Walter, and this one will be even bigger than the one they threw for old Professor Newton when he won the Nobel prize.
WALTER: Professor Newton won a prize for not having a bell?
JUSTIN: It’s the Alfred Nobel prize, Walter!
WALTER: Alfred won one as well, did he?
JUSTIN: I can’t take any more of this. [guiding him off SR] Goodbye, Walter.
Enter Felix [SL]
FELIX: Hello, Justin.
JUSTIN: Hiya, Felix! Have you heard the news?
FELIX: What news is that?
JUSTIN: The palace are hosting a fancy-dress ball for Princess Aurora’s eighteenth birthday, and everyone’s invited.
FELIX: Do you think your mother be going?
JUSTIN: I expect so, she likes a good do.
FELIX: Then count me out. I’m still having nightmares following that pyjama party we went to. She thought you had to turn up in what you sleep in, and she only sleeps in her birthday suit. It was so embarrassing!
JUSTIN: How do you think I felt!? And therapy doesn’t come cheap, let me tell you.
FELIX: [nervous] She’s not with you, is she?
JUSTIN: Relax, Felix, she’s busy picking our last crop of beetroot.
FELIX: How’s the beetroot-farming business these days?
JUSTIN: Terrible. We’re that skint; Mum’s just asked me to pawn her wedding ring.
FELIX: But doesn’t it hold sentimental value for her?
JUSTIN: Mum’s not the sentimental type.
FELIX: She sends me mental whenever we meet.
JUSTIN: I’d better get to the pawnshop before it closes. Bye, Felix! [exits SL]
FELIX: Bye, Justin! [to audience] I like Justin, but his mum’s a menace. She fancies me like mad, and I’d have to be mad, to fancy her. I wouldn’t say she was ugly, but her face reminds me of a bulldog chewing on a wasp.
Enter Dame Thyme [SR]
TITANIA: Hello, Felix!
FELIX: [turns] Oh, no, It’s the creature from the black lagoon.
TITANIA: Blackpool actually. I’ve just been there on a weekend break.
FELIX: I’m surprised you can afford a weekend break.
TITANIA: It was all paid for by the BBC.
FELIX: Well, they’d better not increase the license fee again.
TITANIA: It’s The British Beetroot Consortium. They hold trade fairs in Blackpool.
FELIX: I never realised beetroot was such big business.
TITANIA: It might be for some, but I only have a smallholding. [hoists bosom]
FELIX: Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Dame Thyme.
TITANIA: Call me, Titania, all of my most intimate friends do.
FELIX: How come your parents gave you such an unusual name?
TITANIA: They wanted a name that couldn’t be shortened.
FELIX: [aside to audience] I’m saying nothing.
TITANIA: I went to Blackpool Pleasure Beach and had a go on that big rollercoaster.
FELIX: Weren’t you frightened?
TITANIA: No, it takes a lot to frighten me.
FELIX: [aside] If looking in a mirror doesn’t do it, then nothing else will.
TITANIA: I saw a young man on the ride, sat on his own, and looking nervous.
FELIX: Maybe he thought you were about to sit next to him.
TITANIA: And he was right. I grabbed his hand and said, ‘calm down, love, we haven’t even started yet’. But he just screamed, ‘no and we’re not going to’, and leapt off. The thought of going all the way must have unnerved him.
FELIX: I don’t blame him for jumping off.
