SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE SQUARE
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Vance [SR] struggling with a big cardboard box. He puts it down.
VANCE: Hiya, folks! I’m Vance, but everybody calls me ‘Van the Van man’. That’s because I deliver stuff in my van. So, whenever I come on and say, ‘who’s the man’? I want you all to shout back, ‘Van’s the man’! Okay? Let’s have a practice. [exits and enters] Who’s the man? That was great! I‘m delivering this package to the royal palace, but my van’s just broken down and I’m struggling to carry it the rest of the way.
Enter Annie [SL]
ANNIE: Hello, Vance! Have you seen my mum anywhere?
VANCE: No, Annie, and I don’t want to.
ANNIE: What has she done now?
VANCE: It’s called stalking, Annie.
ANNIE: I take it you’re not interested in her romantically, Vance?
VANCE: I’m not interested in her remotely, never mind romantically.
ANNIE: Then why don’t just you tell her?
VANCE: I keep telling her, Annie, but she doesn’t seem to listen.
ANNIE: Tell me about it, Vance. What’s in the box?
VANCE: It’s a cake for the King’s Golden Jubilee party, but it’s too heavy to carry all the way to the palace.
ANNIE: What’s wrong with your van?
VANCE: It’s broken down.
ANNIE: Then why don’t you ring the AA?
VANCE: I’m not a member.
ANNIE: RAC?
VANCE: Nope.
ANNIE: Green Flag?
VANCE: I’m afraid not.
ANNIE: Aren’t you a member of any breakdown service?
VANCE: Yes, I’ve joined a new one called Breakdowns Anonymous.
ANNIE: Then why don’t you ring them?
VANCE: They don’t have a phone number.
ANNIE: Email?
VANCE: They don’t have an email address. Or a physical one, for that matter.
ANNIE: I think you’ve been taken for a ride, Vance.
VANCE: I think you’re right, Annie.
Enter PM and Dogsbody [SR] Dogsbody wears a Town Crier’s hat and carries a large bag containing various hats.
DOGSBODY: [shouts] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! I have a small proclamation!
VANCE: I’m sorry to hear that, but why are you broadcasting it in public?
PM: Because town crier is one of his many jobs.
ANNIE: And who are you?
PM: I’m the Prime Minister.
VANCE: [aside] I thought he looked a bit dodgy.
PM: And this is Dogsbody, my new cabinet.
DOGSBODY: [shouts] Order! Order!
ANNIE: How come you only have one cabinet member?
PM: Cutbacks. I had to fire the rest of them to maintain my high salary.
VANCE: And he does all everybody else’s job, does he?
PM: That’s right.
Dogsbody rummages in the bag and puts on a builder’s hard hat.
ANNIE: Who is he now?
PM: Minister for building works.
DOGSBODY: [to Annie] ‘Allo Darlin’, are you experiencing any subsidence?
ANNIE: No, but I think my mum might be.
VANCE: And that’s just her body. [laughs]
Dogsbody dons a police helmet.
ANNIE: Who is he this time?
PM: Minister for the police.
DOGSBODY: [to Vance] Have you ever considered a career in the force, young fella?
VANCE: They interviewed me once, but it didn’t go well.
ANNIE: How come?
VANCE: I kept replying, ‘no comment’, to every question.
PM: Town crier again, Dogsbody.
DOGSBODY: [Town Crier’s hat on] Oh yeah! Oh yeah! The King has decreed that all taxes are to be increased, with immediate effect!
ANNIE: But he increased them only last month!
VANCE: If the King keeps increasing everybody’s taxes, he risks a popular revolt.
DOGSBODY: I don’t think a revolt would be popular.
PM: Well, not with us, anyway. I’d be out of a job, and you’d be out of several.
ANNIE: At this rate, we’ll all need several jobs just to pay our taxes.
PM: It’s time for my meeting with, His Majesty. Chauffeur, please, Dogsbody.
DOGSBODY: [dons a flat cap] Where to, guv?
PM: I said, ‘chauffeur’, Dogsbody, not taxi-driver!
DOGSBODY: More cutbacks, I’m afraid, PM.
VANCE: If you’re going to the palace, would you mind delivering this box for me?
DOGSBODY: My many jobs don’t include that of delivery person.
PM: Drive on, Dogsbody!
Music cue 2: Exit Dogsbody ‘driving’ PM off.
VANCE: How’s your mum’s business doing, Annie?
ANNIE: Fantastic! The King’s just placed an order for five thousand army uniforms.
VANCE: Five thousand! Anybody would think there was a war on.
ANNIE: The King certainly does. I must find mother. Bye, Vance. [exits SL]
VANCE: I can’t carry this box any further. I’ll leave it here while I try to fix my van. Oh, but then somebody might nick it. Would you mind looking after it for me? I’ll leave it here…[places it DSR]…and if anybody goes near it, just shout and warn me. Now, what shall I get you to shout? I know! It holds a big fruitcake, so just shout ‘fruitcake’, and I’ll come running, okay? Right then, let’s have a practice. I’ll sneak up on the box and pretend I’m about to nick it. [repeat until happy] That was great! Keep watching it for me and I’ll see you all later. [exits SR]
