SCENE ONE
SKID ROW
[USR] is Flowerpot’s flower shop, complete with practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Seymour [SR]
SEYMOUR: Hiya, folks! I’m Seymour Flowerpot, and I work right here in mum’s flower shop, which has stood on Skid Row for nearly ten years. But sales are down recently, and the landlord is threatening to evict us for non-payment of rent. Mum thinks an exotic new plant in the shop window might entice customers back in, and I’ve been cross-pollinating like mad trying to produce one; but so far I’ve had no luck.
Enter Audrey [SL]
AUDREY: Hello, Seymour.
SEYMOUR: Hi, Audrey. [to audience] This is my girlfriend Audrey; isn’t she lovely?
AUDREY: You say the sweetest things, Seymour.
SEYMOUR: And you’re the sweetest thing in my life, Audrey.
AUDREY: What are you up to today, Seymour?
SEYMOUR: I’m minding Mum’s flower shop, but she might not have for much longer.
AUDREY: She’s not selling up, is she?
SEYMOUR: No, she’s behind with the rent, and the landlord’s threatening to evict us.
AUDREY: That’s terrible, Seymour. Isn’t it, boys and girls?
SEYMOUR: She’s out visiting all the banks on the high street trying to get a loan.
AUDREY: Is business bad, then?
SEYMOUR: No, it’s gone past bad and moved on to downright dreadful.
AUDREY: Have you had any luck producing a new species of plant yet?
SEYMOUR: I’ve had about as much luck as Shrek applying for a job as a male model.
AUDREY: Don’t give up hope, Seymour; you must keep on believing. <>Music cue 3: Audrey & Seymour. After song ends…I’d better be off, Seymour. I start my new job today, and I mustn’t be late. I’ll see you later. [exits SR]
SEYMOUR: I’m crazy about Audrey, but I haven’t got the confidence to ask her to marry me. Maybe you could help me build it up. Whenever I enter, and shout ‘what do I need’? You all reply, ‘confidence Seymour’! Will you do that? Let’s have a go at it. [exits and returns] What do I need? Brilliant! I’d better open the shop. See you all later, boys and girls! [exits inside]
Enter Flora Flowerpot [SR]
FLORA: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Flora Flowerpot, and this is my little flower shop, which I run with my son, Seymour. I became a single parent after my husband tragically died whilst doing a crossword. His last words to me were ‘four down – plethora’. To this day, that word still means a lot to me. I used the insurance money to buy this shop, but it’s going through a rough patch and I’m struggling to pay the rent. I’ve visited every bank on the high street asking for a loan, but nobody would give me one. I’ll just have to rely on Seymour coming up with an exotic plant to save us from ruin, but my hopes aren’t high. Last week he crossed a spider plant with a Venus flytrap and produced a plant that ate itself. And before that, he crossed a stinkweed with a trumpet flower and got a stinky trump. I dread to think what he’ll come up with next. I’ll just go check on him. Bye! [exits inside]
Enter Weedol, Bill and Ben [SL]
WEEDOL: That’s Flowerpot’s flower shop just there, and her rent is in arrears.
BEN: That’s a funny place to keep it.
BILL: She must have big ears.
WEEDOL: No, you idiots! She owes me lots of rent, and if she doesn’t pay up, I want you to evict her. But she does have big ears as well.
BEN: No probs, Boss, we’re used to evicting helpless old ladies, aren’t we, Bill?
BILL: We certainly are, Ben.
BEN: Although mum gave us a bit of trouble when we tried evicting her.
WEEDOL: You tried evicting your own mother?
BILL: Yes, but we gave up after she threatened to ground us.
WEEDOL: Why were you trying to evict your own mother?
BILL: She wouldn’t let us have a Wii in our bedroom.
WEEDOL: I don’t blame her! You’re supposed to use the toilet for that sort of thing.
BEN: We couldn’t do that.
WEEDOL: Why not?
BILL: There’s isn’t enough room to swing our nun-chucks.
WEEDOL: I’m not interested in your filthy habits! I just want Flowerpot’s shop out of business, so I can demolish it and build a block of penthouse suites.
BEN: No worries, Mr Weedol.
BILL: We’ll put the frighteners on her.
WEEDOL: You certainly have the faces for it.
BEN: That’s because we’re using these new Viagra eyedrops.
WEEDOL: And what do they do?
BILL: They make us look hard.
WEEDOL: You two wouldn’t look hard if you were set you in concrete.
Music cue 4: Enter Flora Flowerpot [DSL]
FLORA: I thought I heard yobs hanging about outside my shop; and I was right.
WEEDOL: I’ve come for it, Flowerpot!
FLORA: Well, you won’t get it from me, I’m not that desperate.
WEEDOL: I want your rent arrears.
FLORA: Well, you can want, because I’m skint.
WEEDOL: I don’t believe you.
FLORA: But it’s true, I tell you! My geraniums won’t germinate, me bizzy-lizzies are busy dying, and my pansies have dropped right off!
BILL & BEN: Ew!
FLORA: [snaps] I said, ‘pansies’, cloth-ears!
WEEDOL: If you don’t pay up, then I’ll have to evict you.
FLORA: Can’t you give me more time to pay?
WEEDOL: I suppose I could really.
FLORA: Oh, you are kind. And I’m sorry I once called you ‘a torn-faced wassock’.
WEEDOL: I could give you more time, but I won’t.
FLORA: But why not?
BEN: He wants to demolish your shop and build a block of penny sweets.
WEEDOL: It’s penthouse suites, you idiot!
FLORA: So, that’s your game, is it? Well, it won’t work. My Seymour will soon produce an exotic new plant, and we’ll have customers flooding in again.
WEEDOL: Your Seymour couldn’t produce snot from his own nose.
FLORA: You obviously haven’t seen him it action.
BILL: I‘m too scared to pick my own nose.
BEN: How come?
BILL: Mum said if I did my head would cave in.
BEN: It’s not true, Bill. [laughs] Snot true? Get it?
