SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF WHEYSIDE
Trott’s dairy is [USR] and adjoining it is a cowshed with a practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Simon [SL]
SIMON: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Simon Trott. Who wants to be on my team? Great! And as I’m the team leader, you must do everything I say, starting now. Simon says, turn to the person on your left and say, ‘I like you in a very special way’. Now, turn to the person on your right and say, ‘I like you in a very special way too’. That should help keep things nice and friendly.
GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!
SIMON: You’re a big pain in the bum! That’s Blunderbore the giant, who lives in a big castle above the clouds. It beats me how it stays up there, seeing as how clouds are just condensed water vapour. I’m guessing it must be some sort of magic keeping it from falling down.
GIANT: Fee-fi-fo-fum!
Fleshcreep, fill my empty tum!
SIMON: Fleshcreep’s the giant’s slave, and he’s a nasty piece of work.
Enter Jack [SR]
JACK: Hiya, Simon!
SIMON: Hi, Jack!
JACK: Who were you talking to just now, Simon?
SIMON: I was talking to my new team, Jack.
JACK: [looking out] Wow! You’ve got a big one, Simon.
SIMON: I know, Jack, but I don’t like to brag. Speaking of big ones, I’ve just been telling everybody about the nasty giant.
JACK: I hope you haven’t been frightening them, Simon.
SIMON: No Jack, the giant will do that all by himself.
JACK: Let’s forget about the giant and talk about nice things instead.
SIMON: Like what, for instance?
JACK: [hand on heart] Like me being in love.
SIMON: For the umpteenth time. So, who is she this time, Jack?
JACK: Her name’s Jill, and she’s everything I’ve ever dreamt of in a girl. [sighs]
SIMON: You don’t feel the urge to go up a hill with her to fetch water, do you?
JACK: No, Simon, why do you ask?
SIMON: No reason really.
JACK: Jill’s the daughter of Squire Moneybags, and I’ve asked her to marry me.
SIMON: That’s a bit quick, isn’t it? Even for a panto.
JACK: It’s the real thing this time, Simon.
SIMON: It always is with you, Jack.
JACK: The only problem is her father insists she marries somebody rich.
SIMON: That lets you out, then. We’re that poor; the park ducks throw us bread.
JACK: But I love her terribly, Simon.
SIMON: Then maybe you ought to practice a bit more.
JACK: I’d like to, but it’s not easy with her father watching her every move.
SIMON: It’s probably your moves he’s more worried about.
JACK: And how’s your love life these days, Simon?
SIMON: My new girlfriend thinks I’m a bit of a stalker.
JACK: I didn’t know you had a girlfriend, Simon.
SIMON: She’s not technically my girlfriend.
JACK: What do you mean?
SIMON: I haven’t actually asked her out yet.
JACK: No wonder she thinks you’re a stalker.
SIMON: When will me and Mum get to meet Jill?
JACK: She said she might call round later.
SIMON: What’s she like around cranky old cows?
JACK: I’m sure Jill and Mum will get along just fine, Simon.
SIMON: I meant Buttercup, Jack!
JACK: She’s bound to love Buttercup as much as we do.
SIMON: Nobody could love her more than Mum, though.
JACK: I sometimes think she loves that old cow more than she does us.
SIMON: You could you right, Jack. Remember when Buttercup had a cold, and Mum gave her my bed and made me sleep in the cowshed?
Enter Jill [SR]
JACK: Jill! I’ve missed you terribly.
JILL: And I’ve missed you terribly, Jack.
SIMON: When did you last see each other?
JACK: Five minutes ago.
SIMON: Five minutes ago!
JILL: We hate being apart, even for a minute.
JACK: [smoochy] I love you, Jilly willy.
JILL: [smoochy] And I love you, Jacky wacky.
SIMON: I feel sicky-wicky. See you later, team! [exits inside]
JACK: Did you tell your father about us getting married, Jill?
JILL: Yes, Jack.
JACK: And what did he say?
JILL: He said, over his dead body.
JACK: He’s not totally against the idea then?
JILL: Yes, he is, Jack! He still insists I marry somebody rich.
JACK: Don’t worry, Jill, I’ve a feeling I’m going to make my fortune very soon.
JILL: I hope you’re right, Jack. Not marrying you would break my heart.
JACK: It would break mine too, Jill. Music cue 3: Jack & Jill. After song ends…
Enter Squire Moneybags [SL]
SQUIRE: I thought I might find you here, Jill.
JILL: Father! Me and Jack were just talking about you!
SQUIRE: You shouldn’t be talking to Jack Trott about anything!
JACK: Why not, Squire?
SQUIRE: I only want the best for my daughter, and that isn’t you, Jack Trott.
JILL: But, Father, I love, Jack.
SQUIRE: Well, you can just unlove him. He’s nothing but a poor dairy boy.
JACK: I might be poor now, Squire, but I have great prospects.
SQUIRE: Rubbish! Trott’s Dairy’s on its knees like your mother was this morning.
JACK: I beg your pardon?
SQUIRE: I saw her at the bank earlier, begging the manager for a loan.
JILL: And did he give her one?
SQUIRE: Nobody in their right mind would give her one. Where is she, anyway?
