SCENE ONE
MERRYDALE – TROTT’S DAIRY
Typical village square. Trott’s Dairy is [USL] and has a practical door and window. Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…
JILL: That was wonderful, everybody! I just love singing and dancing.
CHORUS 1: If only we could be happy like this all of the time.
CHORUS 2: But every day, the horrible giant spoils our happiness.
CHORUS 3: Even the King and Queen are under his giant thumb.
JILL: My Jack will sort the giant out one of these days, you’ll see.
CHORUS 4: Isn’t he frightened of taking on a man-eating giant, Jill?
JILL: Nothing frightens Jack Trott; and that includes the giant bully.
Music cue 4: Enter Fleshcreep [SL]
FLESHCREEP: So, your Jack’s not afraid of my Master, eh?
JILL: No, he isn’t! And I’m not afraid of you, Fleshcreep.
FLESHCREEP: [stroking Jill’s hair] I don’t want you to be afraid of me, my dear.
CHORUS 5: Watch out, Jill, I think he’s got a soft spot for you.
JILL: He’s got lots of soft spots, and they’re called zits!
Chorus laugh.
FLESHCREEP: Shut up, or you’ll all be sorry!
JILL: Just go away, Fleshcreep, you, nasty, horrible, wicked man.
FLESHCREEP: I love it when you sweet-talk me.
GIANT: Fe-fi-fo-fum!
Human beings are really dumb!
Exit terrified Chorus at a run [SR]
FLESHCREEP: That’s it, run away! And if Jack Trott were here, he’d run away too.
JILL: Oh, no he wouldn’t!
FLESHCREEP: Oh, yes he would!
JILL: Oh, yes he would!
FLESHCREEP: Oh, no he wouldn’t!
JILL: I’m glad you agree, Fleshcreep.
FLESHCREEP: Very clever, my pretty, but just pay heed,
I’ll return when Blunderbore wants a feed. [to audience]
And you will all make a dainty dish,
If that’s the giant’s latest wish. [exits SL laughing]
JILL: Don’t let Fleshcreep or the giant frighten you, boys and girls. My Jack will sort them both out soon enough. [exits SR]
Enter Dame Trott [SR] carrying a shopping bag.
DAME TROTT: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Dame Trott, and I run Trott’s Dairy with my two sons, Simon and Jack. One has no get up and go, and the other one’s brain up and went. I’m also a widow. [elicit sympathy] My late husband used to say to me, ‘what you’ve never had, you’ll never miss’, so he never gave me anything. After our wedding, he whisked me away on a P&O cruise. Pubs and off licenses, that is. But he wasn’t all bad, just the bit between the top of his head and the soles of his feet. Ten years ago he fell into a slurry pit whilst working on a local farm, and all we found was his toupee floating on top. I’ll never forget the sight of that slurry with the fringe on top. The Dairy’s going through a rough patch. I’m behind with the rent and the King’s coming to collect today. I’m at my wits’ end; so I did what most women do when they’re at their wits’ end and went shopping. I bought lots of sweets and then realised I’m on a diet and can’t eat them. Would you like them instead? Here you go then. [distribute sweets]
Enter Simon [SL]
SIMON: Hi, Mum!
DAME TROTT: Hello, Simon. [looks past him] Where’s our Daisy?
SIMON: I was hoping you could tell me, Mum.
DAME TROTT: Didn’t you take her for her daily walk this morning?
SIMON: Yes, Mum, but on the way home, I popped into a shop to buy us both anice cream, and when I came back out, she’d gone.
DAME TROTT: You’ve gone and lost our Daisy, the apple of my eye!?
SIMON: Don’t worry, Mum, I’m sure she’ll find her own way home.
DAME TROTT: What do you think she is, Simon, a homing cow?
SIMON: Cows have a great sense of direction, Mum.
DAME TROTT: She certainly has more sense than you.
SIMON: I’m not stupid, Mum.
DAME TROTT: Then how come yesterday I caught you staring at a carton of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the side?
SIMON: I was checking it for E numbers.
DAME TROTT: Which proves just how daft you are.
SIMON: How does it?
DAME TROTT: Because E is a letter, and not a number.
SIMON: [aside to audience] And she thinks I’m daft.
DAME TROTT: I hope Daisy hasn’t been kidnapped.
SIMON: Don’t you mean, cownapped?
DAME TROTT: Have any of you boys and girls seen Daisy? She’s got beautiful big brown eyes, silky-soft skin, with horns at one end and a tail at the other.
SIMON: Why don’t we try calling her, Mum?
DAME TROTT: All right, Simon. After three…three!
BOTH: Daisy! Daisy! Daisy!
DAME TROTT: It’s no use, Simon, she obviously can’t hear us.
SIMON: Why don’t we ask Jack’s supporters club to help us call her?
DAME TROTT: Jack has a supporters club?
SIMON: Yes, Mum.
DAME TROTT: Where are they, Simon?
SIMON: [pointing] There they are!
DAME: Boys, and girls, will you all help us call Daisy? Thanks ever so.
SIMON: After three again…three!
BOTH: Daisy! Daisy! Daisy!
Daisy pokes head through wing [SL]
DAME TROTT: There she is! Come and say hello to everybody, Daisy!
Daisy shakes her head and disappears again.
SIMON: I think she’s got stage fright, Mum. Let’s call her again.
DAME: All right, Simon. Join in again, boys and girls!
BOTH: Daisy! Daisy! Daisy!
Daisy pokes head through wing again.
DAME TROTT: Don’t be shy, Daisy, and come and say hello to all the boys and girls.
Enter Daisy [SL] Music cue 6: Daisy dances. After song ends…
SIMON: Keep practising, Daisy, and you might get on Strictly one day.
