SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF SHELLSVILLE
A wall runs across upstage. Sitting on the wall is a large Egg. Chorus are onstage. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Charlie Chuck [SL]
CHARLIE: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Charlie Chuck, and I’m the royal chamberlain. And as we’re in Eggstonia, whenever I come on I’ll shout, ‘eggy-eggy-eggy’! And you can all reply, ‘oi-oi-oi’! Will you do that? Let’s have a go at it. [exits and re-enters] Eggy-eggy-eggy! That was excruciating! Let’s have another go. [repeat business] That was eggceptional!
CHORUS 1: When are the royal family arriving, Charlie?
CHORUS 2: We’ve come to watch them give the speech to the magic wall.
CHARLIE: They’ll be here shortly, and the King will recite the magic rhyme to ensure Humpty Dumpty stays locked inside the egg for another year.
CHORUS 3: And a good job too, we don’t want that bad egg causing a big stink again!
CHARLIE: Don’t worry, Humpty will be staying right where he is. Music cue 3:
CHORUS 4: The royal party’s arriving!
Chorus gets ready to greet them.
CHARLIE: Please welcome, Their Majesties King Eggbert and Queen Omelette, and Her Highness Princess Shelly!
Enter King Eggbert and Princess Shelly [SR]
Chorus cheer.
PRINCESS: That was a wonderful greeting, wasn’t it, Father?
KING: It was eggstraordinary, Shelly. Greetings loyal objects! How are you all? [response] Eggscellent!
CHARLIE: Where’s the Queen, Your Majesty?
KING: She’s got a bun in the oven.
CHARLIE: [shaking his hand] Congratulations, Sire, all Eggstonia will be thrilled!
KING: No, you fool, I meant the eating kind!
PRINCESS: It’s mum’s baking day, Charlie.
KING: Citizens of Eggstonia! Before I address the magic wall, I have a very important announcement to announce!
CHARLIE: [coughs] Ahem!
KING: [gives Charlie a stare] As I was saying, I have a very important…
CHARLIE: [coughs] Ahem!
KING: Will you be quiet Charlie! As I was about to say…
CHARLIE: [coughs louder] Ahem!
KING: What is the matter with you today, Charlie?
CHARLIE: I’m sorry, Sire, but it’s my job to do all the royal announcements.
KING: Then get on with it, man! If you can stop coughing long enough, that is.
CHARLIE: Citizens of Eggstonia! Her Highness Princess Shelly will wed Prince Benedict of Albumen tomorrow, and the day will be a public holiday!
CHORUS: Hooray!
PRINCESS: That seemed to go down well, Charlie.
CHARLIE: Everybody loves a royal wedding, Princess. Not to mention a day off.
KING: Now, what else am I supposed to be doing today?
PRINCESS: Making a speech to the Magic Wall, Father.
KING: Ah, yes, now where is my speech? [searches his pockets]
CHARLIE: [handing him a scroll] Here it is, Your Majesty.
KING: Thank you, Charlie. I’ll just put on my glasses. [searching his pockets] They’re not here! Where are my glasses? I’ve lost my glasses!
PRINCESS: They’re on your head, Father.
KING: Silly me, I’ve made a spectacle of myself, haven’t I?
CHARLIE: [aside] As usual.
KING: [reading] Citizens of Eggstonia, it gives me great pleasure to declare this village fete…
PRINCESS: Wrong speech, Father!
KING: Oh! [turns page] We are gathered here for the unveiling of…[Charlie and Shelly shake heads] I name this ship…[Charlie and Shelly shake heads] Ah, here we are! As ruler of Eggstonia, it falls upon me to address the magic wall and recite the magic rhyme. [clears throat] Oh, great and mysterious magic wall…
Enter Queen Omelette [SR]
QUEEN: Stop! What do you think you’re doing, Eggbert?
KING: I’m about to address the magic wall, Omelette.
QUEEN: You can’t do that!
KING: Why can’t I?
QUEEN: Because we agreed to take it in turns, and you did it last year. Now, move aside. [moves him aside] Citizens of Eggstonia! I will now address the magic wall, whose presence keeps us free from trouble and strife.
CHORUS: Here! Here!
KING: Do hurry up, Omelette dear. Eggstonia’s Got Talent is on soon.
QUEEN: All right, Eggbert, stop egging me on. [turns to wall] Oh, great and mysterious magic wall…
CHARLIE: [sniffs] I can smell something burning!
SFX: Smoke pours onstage.
QUEEN: My buns! Come and help me rescue them!
PRINCESS: But what about the speech to the magic wall mother?
QUEEN: It’ll have to wait, Shelly. Let’s hurry before the palace catches on fire!
Exit Queen, King, Princess Shelly, and Charlie [SL]
CHORUS 1: I’m not hanging about here all day.
CHORUS 2: Me neither, I’ve got better things to do.
CHORUS 3: So have I.
CHORUS 4: Let’s go, everyone.
Exit Chorus [USR]
Enter Minnie Meringue [DSR] carrying a basket of mini eggs.
MINNIE: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Minnie, Minnie Meringue, and I like to make sure everybody’s happy, so whenever I come on I’ll shout, ‘is everybody happy’? If you are, shout ‘eggstatic Minnie’. If not, keep quiet, nobody likes a moaner. Let’s have a practice. [exits and re-enters] Is everybody happy? You don’t sound it. Let’s try it again. [repeat business] That’s better. I’ve just been to the doctor’s for the third time this week. I said, ‘what’s wrong with me, doctor’? And he replied, ‘I think you’re suffering from hypochondria’. I said, ‘not that as well, doctor’! Now, today is St Scramble’s Day, and on this day it’s customary to distribute chocolate eggs to the poor. I have a basketful here, but you lot don’t look poor, so you can’t have any. [laughs] Only joking. Here you go. [distribute eggs]
Enter a Man [SL] He makes his way towards [SR]
MINNIE: Hey, you!
MAN: [stops] Who, me?
MINNIE: Yes, you! Stop annoying me?
MAN: But I wasn’t even looking at you!
MINNIE: I know, and it’s really annoying.
