SCENE ONE
THE TOWN OF BAKERSVILLE
Ma Kipling’s bakery is [USR] Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
SFX: Stage flash.
MA KIPLING: [screams off] Aaaah!
CHORUS 1: What was all that terrible screaming all about?
CHORUS 2: It sounded like somebody being murdered!
CHORUS 3: Either that or Ma Kipling singing again.
Enter Ma Kipling from the shop, covered in bits of dough.
MA KIPLING: Ooooh!
CHORUS 4: What happened, Ma?
MA KIPLING: I was making a cake from Mary Berry’s new cookbook and it exploded.
CHORUS 1: The cookbook!?
MA KIPLING: No, you idiot, the cake!
CHORUS 2: What sort of cake was it, Ma?
MA KIPLING: Bombe Surprise.
CHORUS 3: No wonder it exploded!
CHORUS 4: Try using baking powder instead of gunpowder next time, Ma.
Exit Chorus laughing [SR]
MA KIPLING: What a cheeky lot! [to audience] Hello, my little cupcakes! I’m Ma Kipling, and this is little bakery, where I make exceedingly good cakes. So, whenever I come on and ask, ‘how are you all’? I want you all to reply, ‘exceedingly good, Ma’. Will you do that? Let’s give it a whirl. [exits and re-enters] How are you all? I’m sure you can do better. [repeat] Wonderful! Raise your hand if you enjoy The Great British Bake Off. Then, you’ll be pleased to know they’re filming a special episode right here in Bakersville, and I’m in it! How cool is that? I’m trying to find my shop boy to help me clean the kitchen ready for it, but he’s nowhere to be found. I suppose I’ll just have to do it myself. See you all later! [exits inside shop]
Enter Jimmy [SL] carrying a shopping bag.
JIMMY: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Jimmy Dodger! That’s Jimmy, not Jammy. I work at Ma Kipling’s bakery, and I’m feeling a bit sad this morning. [elicit sympathy] I’m sadder than that! One thing that cheers people up when they’re feeling sad, is having lots of friends on Facebook, but I’m not on Facebook and I don’t have many friends. I’ve got less than that! I expect you all have lots of friends, don’t you? Would you like another one? Great! And now we’re all friends, whenever I enter and shout ‘hiya, friends’! You can all shout back, ‘hiya, Jimmy’! Will you do that? Let’s have a practice. Hiya, friends! Brill! I overslept this morning, and Ma Kipling might be mad at me for being late for work. So, I’ve bought her a prezzie to sweeten her.
Enter Ma Kipling from the bakery.
MA KIPLING: Jimmy Dodger! How come you’re late for work, again!
JIMMY: I popped into a shop on the way here to buy you a prezzie, Ma.
MA KIPLING: But it’s not even my birthday!
JIMMY: It’s not a birthday present, Ma.
MA KIPLING: Then what’s it for?
JIMMY: It’s to show my appreciation to you for being such a kind employer.
MA KIPLING: Flattery will get you everywhere, Jimmy. Where is it then?
JIMMY: It’s in here. [opens bag]
MA KIPLING: [delves in and brings out two small packets of flour] Flour! I run a flaming bakery, what do I want with more flour!?
JIMMY: But you’re always saying you’d love somebody to buy you flours.
MA KIPLING: I meant from a florist, you numpty!
JIMMY: Don’t have a go at me, Ma, I’m feeling down today.
MA KIPLING: And why is that, Jimmy?
JIMMY: My pet budgie drowned.
MA KIPLING: I told you not to keep it in a goldfish bowl. It ought to be kept in a cage.
JIMMY: I tried that, but the water kept running out.
MA KIPLING: It’s a good job I don’t run a pet shop, isn’t it?
JIMMY: And my girlfriend’s just fallen out with me. Look at this letter she sent me.
MA KIPLING: [turning letter over] This letter’s blank, Jimmy.
JIMMY: I know, she’s not speaking to me at the moment.
MA KIPLING: Well, I am, and if you’re late again, you can start polishing up your CV.
JIMMY: I can’t do that, Ma.
MA KIPLING: Why not?
JIMMY: I don’t own a French car.
MA KIPLING: I sometimes wonder if you own a brain.
JIMMY: I’m not stupid, Ma!
MA KIPLING: Then how come yesterday you spent hours doing a jigsaw puzzle, until I pointed out it was a tin of broken biscuits?
JIMMY: I was just trying to find a whole one.
MA KIPLING: And pigs can fly, Jimmy. Did you clean all those pans like I asked you to?
JIMMY: Yes, Ma. I scrubbed and scrubbed until they were all nice and shiny, without a speck of black inside them.
MA KIPLING: You idiot, Jimmy! Teflon non-stick pans are supposed to be black inside!
JIMMY: Well, how was I supposed to know? Anyway, if Teflon’s non-stick then how come it sticks to the inside of the pan?
MA KIPLING: I don’t care how it sticks, I just want it to stay stuck!
Enter Charlotte at a run [SL]
CHARLOTTE: Mum, I have some wonderful news!
MA KIPLING: [to audience] This is my beautiful daughter, Charlotte. Can I cook, or can I cook? What is it, dear?
CHARLOTTE: Prince Persipan is coming to Bakersville for The Great British Bake Off special, and will present the winner’s award!
MA KIPLING: I’m more interested in meeting that sexy Paul Hollywood. Oooh! He can knead my floury baps anytime. [hoists bosom]
CHARLOTTE: Muuum! You know I hate innuendo.
JIMMY: I hate all Italian suppositories. [to audience] Take your time it’s a slow burner that one.
CHARLOTTE: I expect Barry Bagel will be entering the Great British Bake Off special.
MA KIPLING: He’s got no chance up against me.
CHARLOTTE: Bagel’s a nasty piece of work, Mum, and will stop at nothing to win.
JIMMY: I hear he’s connected with the Cosa Nostra.
MA KIPLING: You mean that new coffee shop on the high street?
JIMMY: The Cosa Nostra is another name for the Mafia, Ma!
MA KIPLING: Well, I never. Fancy naming a coffee shop after the Mafia.
CHARLOTTE: What will you be making for the Bake Off, Mum?
MA KIPLING: What’s the one thing Ma Kipling is famous for?
JIMMY: Short-changing customers?
MA KIPLING: No! My Fabulous Featherlight Fairy Cakes!
