SCENE FIVE
DAME DOLLY’S KITCHEN
Music cue 14: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus.
Enter Dolly, Goldilocks, Roger and The Three Bears [SR]
DOLLY: Welcome to my humble abode.
M. BEAR: It’s very good of you to let us stay with you, Dame Dolly.
B. BEAR: Helga will never find us here.
SFX: Door knocking.
F. BEAR: Maybe you spoke too soon, Teddy.
DOLLY: Hide upstairs, bears!
Exit Bears [SL]
GOLDILOCKS: I’ll just see who it is. [exits SR and returns with Professor Stein]
ROGER: Professor Stein!
PROFESSOR: Where are ze talking bears?
DOLLY: [innocently] Talking bears, Professor?
PROFESSOR: I know zey are here.
GOLDILOCKS: Who told you that?
Music cue 15: Enter Fairy Wanda [SR]
FAIRY: I did.
DOLLY: Who are you?
FAIRY: I’m Fairy Wanda.
PROFESSOR: She is a charlatan; fairies do not exist!
FAIRY:
Of course I’m a Fairy. See, I’ve got the outfit, the wand, the magic words.
ROGER: And what are these magic words?
FAIRY: They’re…no, don’t tell me. It’s bangers and…oh, me and my memory. It’s a good job I have my backup. What are the magic words, boys and girls? Bangers and mash, that’s it! Thank you.
DOLLY: The bears are here, Professor, but nobody must know about it.
PROFESSOR: Why not?
GOLDILOCKS: Because an evil witch is after their magic cooking pot and will stop at nothing to get hold of it.
PROFESSOR: There is no such things as fairies, witches or magic pots! But I vould like to meet these talking bears, purely in the interests of science of course.
DOLLY: [shouts] Come downstairs, bears!
Enter F. Bear and M. Bear [SL]
F. BEAR: Professor Stein, I presume?
PROFESSOR: [ecstatic] At last I have found ze talking bears!
M. BEAR: If you found us, Professor, then so might Helga.
F. BEAR: And we’ll need more than bangers and mash to beat her.
GOLDILOCKS: Why don’t we ask the villagers to help us?
ROGER: Come on everybody, let’s tell them what Helga’s been up to.
M. BEAR: What about Teddy? He’s fast asleep upstairs.
DOLLY: I’ll mind him; and I’ll have a big pot of porridge ready for when you return.
ROGER: Follow me everyone!
Exit all the others [SR] leaving Dolly alone onstage.
DOLLY: I’ve just remembered, I don’t know how to make porridge.
SFX: Door knocking.
Enter Ant and Dec [SR]
DOLLY: Come in, why don’t you!?
ANT: I beg your pardon, Miss, but is your mother in?
DOLLY: I hope not she’s been dead ten years. Can I help you both?
DEC: Hold on. [produces a tub of butter and a knife, and butters Dolly]
DOLLY: ‘Ere what’s your game!?
ANT: [pulls Dec aside] What do you think you’re doing, Dec?
DEC: I’m buttering her up, like Helga said.
ANT: She meant flatter her, you idiot! [to Dolly] Please excuse my colleague, madam, he suffers from a rare affliction of the brain.
DOLLY: And what’s that?
ANT: He hasn’t got one.
DEC: Dame Dolly, you have the grace of a dancer!
ANT: [aside] A clog dancer.
DEC: The body of a model!
ANT: [aside] A model bus.
DEC: And the looks of a film star!
ANT: [aside] Shrek.
DOLLY: That’s all very flattering and true; but I can’t stand here all day listening to you telling me how wonderful I am. I have a pot of porridge to make.
DEC: Oooh! We love porridge, don’t we, Ant?
ANT: Yeah!
DOLLY: I don’t suppose you know how to make it, do you?
DEC: We certainly do!
DOLLY: And do you know how to make it?
ANT: One moment. [takes Dec aside] Do you remember how Mam used to make our porridge every morning, Dec?
DEC: Yeah, she got some stuff out of a box.
ANT: I know that you, idiot, but can you remember what it said on the box?
DEC: Ready, something.
ANT: Ready steady go?
DEC: No, it wasn’t that.
ANT: Ready or not, here I come?
DEC: No, it wasn’t that either.
ANT: Ready-mixed concrete?
DEC: No, but it used to set like concrete.
ANT: That’s true; even her fairy cakes were like bricks.
DEC: Bricks! That’s it! It said Ready Brix on the packet!
DOLLY: Well?
ANT: [turns] You’ll need some bricks!
DOLLY: I’ll hit you with one in a minute! I don’t believe you know how to make porridge at all.
DEC: Yes, we do, but it might jog our memory if we could look at a recipe book.
DOLLY: [grabs a cookbook] Here we are, Delia Smith’s Porridge Making For Dummies. Let’s see now. [opens book and reads] First, go into a field and sow your wild oats. I’ve already done that. [reads] Then wait five months for it to grow. I can’t wait that long. I’d better skip forward. [flips pages] Here it is. Take one large box of oats and a bucket of milk. You two fetch some oats and milk from the pantry…[pointing SL]…over there.
ANT & DEC: Okey-dokey!
Exit Ant and Dec [SL]
DOLLY: I’m looking forward to this; it’s been ages since I’ve had any oats.
