SCENE ONE
HARDUP HALL
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Buttons [SR]
BUTTONS: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Buttons, and I work here at Hardup Hall. Old Baron Hardup recently remarried, and the new baroness and her two ugly daughters treat everybody like dirt. Especially the Baron’s poor daughter, Cinderella. It makes me sad to see how they treat her, and I always need cheering up. So, every time I come on and shout, ‘hiya, boys and girls’, I want you all to shout back, ‘hiya, Buttons’, to cheer me up okay? Let’s have a practice shall we? [exits and re-enters] Hiya, boys and girls! I need cheering up more than that. Let’s try again. [exits and re-enters] Hiya, boys and girls! That was much better. I’m secretly in love with somebody at Hardup Hall. Can you guess who? Some of you have seen this panto before, haven’t you? Yes, it’s Cinderella. I haven’t told her how I feel about her because I’m shy, and I’m trying to work up the courage.
Enter Chorus [SL]
BUTTONS: Hiya, guys! Have any of you seen Cinderella about this morning?
CHORUS 1: Yes, Buttons, she’s scrubbing the kitchen floor.
BUTTONS: But she was scrubbing it last night when I went to bed.
CHORUS 2: Yes, and she’s still doing it.
BUTTONS: She can’t have been cleaning it all night, surely.
CHORUS 3: The Baroness wasn’t happy with it, and made her scrub it all again with a toothbrush.
BUTTONS: Poor Cinders. I just wish I could take her away from all of this.
CHORUS 4: Do you fancy her, Buttons?
BUTTONS: No, of course not!
CHORUS 5: Are you sure about that, Buttons?
BUTTONS: All right; I admit it; I think she’s wonderful. Maybe if I tell her how I feel about her, it might cheer her up.
CHORUS 1: I wouldn’t bet on it, Buttons.
UGLIES: [off] Buttons!
BUTTONS: It’s the uglies! I’d better hide. If they ask, you haven’t seen me. [exits SR]
Enter Potty and Dotty [SL]
POTTY: Have any of you lot seen Buttons?
CHORUS: No!
DOTTY: They probably wouldn’t tell us even if they have, Potty.
POTTY: I’ll find him, Dotty; I have eyes like a hawk.
CHORUS 2: And legs like a chicken!
POTTY: What did you say?
CHORUS 3: I said, maybe he’s in the kitchen.
DOTTY: I’ll track him down by the smell of his cheap aftershave. I have a nose like a bloodhound.
CHORUS 4: [aside] And a face to match.
POTTY: I’ll bet he’s hiding from us.
DOTTY: [to audience] Is Buttons hiding from us?
UGLIES: Oh, yes he is!
CHORUS 5: What do you want him for?
POTTY: Mother wants him to take out the trash.
CHORUS 1: Can’t she find somebody else to take you both out?
Chorus laugh.
DOTTY: Cheek! Just for that, you can all pick up your P45s.
Exit Chorus [SL] groaning.
POTTY: That showed them, sis.
DOTTY: [sings] #Don’t blame it on the sunshine, don’t blame it on the moonlight, don’t blame on the good times, blame it on the boogie#
POTTY: You’re so out of tune, sister, dear.
DOTTY: I so am not!
POTTY: You so are! It’s like listening to nails scratching down a chalkboard.
DOTTY: Rubbish! Everybody knows I have the best singing voice around here
POTTY: Then how come when we were at…[local school]…the music teacher banned you from the school choir?
DOTTY: It’s because he didn’t want all the others to sound bad next to me.
POTTY: [indicating audience] Look, Dotty, boys!
DOTTY: Let’s introduce ourselves to them.
POTTY: Okay, you go first, and we’ll save the best until last
DOTTY: I’m Dotty, and as you can see, I’m totally gorgeous with a body to die for.
POTTY: I’m Potty, and I’m hot to trot. Now, which of you boys wants to take me out?
DOTTY: They won’t be interested in you!
POTTY: And why not?
DOTTY: No offence, sister dear, but you is fat!
POTTY: You can talk! Whenever you walk, it’s like watching jelly on legs!
DOTTY: Cheek! My new diet got rid of all my fat cells!
POTTY: Well, I think they’ve all come back for their annual reunion.
DOTTY: My diet promotes the health benefits of eating dried grapes. It’s all about raisin awareness. [to audience] Try to keep up.
POTTY: I use a calorie-tracker app. You enter everything you ate that day, and it works out the calories for you.
DOTTY: I tried it once, and it just sent round an ambulance.
POTTY: My biggest weakness is tortillas.
DOTTY: I know a song about tortillas. It’s actually a rap. [laughs] Wrap! Get it?
POTTY: Do you know what my biggest weakness is?
DOTTY: Your bladder?
POTTY: No! Chocolate!
DOTTY: What’s your favourite chocolate bar, potty?
POTTY: Toblerone.
DOTTY: I’ve always wondered why it’s triangle shaped.
POTTY: So it can fit in the triangle shaped box, stupid!
DOTTY: I used to be addicted to chocolate, marshmallows, and nuts. For a while, my life was a Rocky Road.
POTTY: [squeals] Oooooh!
DOTTY: What’s the matter? Have you trapped your spare tyre in your corset again?
POTTY: No, I’ve just spotted a real hunk in the audience!
DOTTY: Where?
POTTY: There! [to man] What’s your name, handsome? [response] Everybody, say hello to my new boyfriend…[man’s name]
DOTTY: He looks more like second-hand to me.
POTTY: You’re just jealous because I saw him first.
DOTTY: You can keep him. A rare beauty like me deserves only the handsomest of men.
POTTY: Since when has ugly been rare?
