SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF LE PETIT PAIN
Baguette’s Bakery is [USR] and has a practical door. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Belle [SR] reading a book.
CHORUS: Good morning, Belle!
BELLE: [looking up] Good morning, everybody!
CHORUS 1: What book are you reading today, Belle?
BELLE: It’s called The Hunchback Of Notre Dame.
CHORUS 2: What’s it about?
BELLE: It’s about a poor unfortunate man who is persecuted because of his looks.
CHORUS 3: People can be so cruel, can’t they, Belle?
Enter Gustave [SL]
BELLE: [glancing at Gustave] They certainly can.
CHORUS: It’s Gustave! [Girls gather around him]
GUSTAVE: [posing] Feast your eyes, girls.
CHORUS 4: Have you got a partner for tonight’s village dance, Gustave?
GUSTAVE: No, but I’ll be choosing some lucky girl soon.
GIRLS: Pick me, Gustave!
GUSTAVE: Sorry, girls, but it’s not any of you. Run along now, I wish to speak to Belle, alone.
Exit Girls, groaning.
BELLE: Make it quick, Gustave, I have better things to do than stand talking to you.
GUSTAVE: You’ll soon change your tune once you discover that you’re the lucky girl I’m taking to the village dance tonight, Belle.
BELLE: Well, this lucky girl is declining your invite.
GUSTAVE: You can’t be serious, Belle. Why, every girl in the village would jump at the chance of accompanying me to the dance.
BELLE: Then maybe you should ask one of them instead.
GUSTAVE: Why deny yourself, Belle? We were meant for each other.
BELLE: Dream on, Gustave. Now if you don’t mind, I’ve work to do in our bakery.
GUSTAVE: I hear you’re expecting a royal visitor today.
BELLE: Yes, Prince Louis is presenting father with an award for services to baking.
GUSTAVE: It would be a shame if anything were to happen to his precious bakery.
BELLE: What do you mean by that?
GUSTAVE: Accidents do happen Belle. Earthquake, flood…[emphasises]…fire.
BELLE: That sounded like a threat to me.
GUSTAVE: Nonsense, Belle.
BELLE: I won’t be blackmailed into going out with you, Gustave.
GUSTAVE: Blackmail’s a nasty word, Belle.
BELLE: A nasty word for a nasty man.
GUSTAVE: I’ll leave you to think about it and ask you again later.
BELLE: And the answer will be the same.
GUSTAVE: Then I suggest you think carefully before answering next time. [exits SL]
BELLE: I could never date anybody as nasty and conceited as Gustave.
Enter Crouton [SR] holding a large baguette.
CROUTON: Hiya, Belle!
BELLE: [downbeat] Hello, Crouton.
CROUTON: What’s the matter, Belle? You look down.
BELLE: Gustave’s asked me to the village dance and won’t take no for an answer.
CROUTON: He’s such a douche.
BELLE: It’s my father I’m worried about.
CROUTON: Doesn’t he have anybody to go to the dance with?
BELLE: No, it’s his bakery.
CROUTON: You’ve lost me now, Belle.
BELLE: I must warn Father to be on his guard. [exits into bakery]
CROUTON: Bye Belle! Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Crouton, and I’m Baguette Bakery’s chief doughboy. And boy, do I need the dough. My finances are flatter than a soggy soufflé and my baguette keeps going limp. [holds it up, and it droops – see properties] See what I mean? I blame that new flour we’re using. It’s supposed to be self-raising, but I keep having to pick it up myself. I’m also in love with Belle, but I don’t know if she could ever fall for a doughboy with a droopy baguette.
CAN & NUT: [singing off] #Heeey, heey, baby!#
CROUTON: That sounds like Mr Baguette’s stepdaughters, Canderel and Nutella. He inherited them after his second wife died. I wouldn’t say they were ugly, but yesterday a peeping-tom knocked on the door and begged them to close their bedroom curtains.
Enter Canderel and Nutella [SL] singing.
CAN & NUT: #Ooh-aah!# [pelvic thrusts]
NUTELLA: There’s nothing like starting the day with some good hard pelvic thrusting.
CANDEREL: It’s what keeps our sexy bodies in such fantastic shape.
CROUTON: I can never work out what shape you’re meant to be.
NUTELLA: Watch it, doughboy!
CANDEREL: [indicating audience] What are that lot doing here?
CROUTON: I think they’re here to meet Prince Louis.
NUTELLA: [quivers] Oooh! The thought of Louis makes me gooey.
CANDEREL: I’ll impress him with my enormous meringues. [hoists bosom]
NUTELLA: He’ll be knocked out by my big buns. [hoists bosom]
CANDEREL: Only if one falls on his head.
NUTELLA: My buns aren’t hard!
CANDEREL: Are so.
NUTELLA: Are not!
CANDEREL: Are so!
NUTELLA: Let’s stop arguing and introduce ourselves to the plebs, sis.
CANDEREL: Okay, I’ll go first. [to audience] Hello, plebs! I’m Canderel, and unlike my sour-faced sister; I’m sweet and adorable, with a fabulous figure.
NUTELLA: I’m Nutella, and my sister’s been suffering from delusions, ever since her face got trampled by a herd of cows.
CANDEREL: [snaps] Cow!
NUTELLA: No, it was definitely a herd.
CANDEREL: [rolls sleeves up] That’s it, Nutty, prepare to be flattened!
NUTELLA: Bring it on, sister!
