SCENE ONE
THE VILLAGE OF PIDDLE IN THE FIELD
A small bench is [USR] Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Bugsy [SR]
BUGSY: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Bugsy and I’m a Teaching Assistant at Nottingham Upon Trent School. NUTS for short.
CHORUS 1: Shouldn’t you be at school, Bugsy?
BUGSY: I’m just on my way there now.
CHORUS 2: Why are you always late?
BUGSY: I have trouble hearing the alarm clock.
CHORUS 3: How come?
BUGSY: Because I’m always fast asleep when it goes off.
CHORUS 4: You won’t have any trouble hearing Miss Nettles when she bawls you out.
Exit Chorus [SR] laughing.
BUGSY: They’re not kidding, Nellie Nettles has a voice like a ship’s foghorn. I’m a bit sad today, boys and girls. I’m sadder than that! It’s because I’ve just broken up with my girlfriend, and I need a big hug to cheer me up. I can’t hug you all individually, so it’ll have to be a virtual hug. So, whenever I come on and shout, ‘hiya, boys and girls’, will you all shout back, ‘hugsy Bugsy’ and virtually hug me? Okay, let’s have a practice. Hiya, boys and girls! Thanks boys and girls, I feel better already.
Enter Nellie Nettles [SL]
NELLIE: Bugsy Malone, you’re late for school, again!
BUGSY: Sorry Nellie, I thought it was half term.
NELLIE: Which proves that you only have half a brain!
BUGSY: Don’t have a go, Nellie, my girlfriend’s just dumped me.
NELLIE: Why did she dump you?
BUGSY: I said she’d drawn her false eyebrows too high, and she seemed surprised.
NELLIE: I suppose she would do, Bugsy.
BUGSY: Anyway, how come you’re not at school yet, Nellie?
NELLIE: I’ve already been, and none of the kids had turned up for class.
BUGSY: Maybe it is half term after all, Nellie.
NELLIE: Don’t talk daft, Bugsy, the little monsters are wagging it!
BUGSY: Is it true you’ve cancelled sex education lessons?
NELLIE: Yes Bugsy, it was too embarrassing.
BUGSY: For you or the kids?
NELLIE: Me! Some of the stuff they mentioned I’d never even heard of.
BUGSY: That’s because you’re a member of the older generation, Nellie.
NELLIE: Rubbish! I’m a fresh-faced young woman in the prime!
BUGSY: [laughs] Fresh-faced!
NELLIE: Yes, and it’s all down to…
BUGSY: Botox!
NELLIE: No! Hard work and good clean living!
BUGSY: [to audience] I do all the hard work and she does the good living.
NELLIE: I also visit to the beauty parlour once a week. I had an appointment today, but they had to cancel it due to technical problems.
BUGSY: Don’t tell me the cement mixer’s broken down again.
NELLIE: One of these days you’ll push me too far, Bugsy!
BUGSY: [to audience] I’d need a bulldozer to push you.
NELLIE: That’s it! [hands him a note] Take this and put it in…[local paper]
BUGSY: What is it?
NELLIE: It’s an ad for a new teaching assistant.
BUGSY: You’re sacking me!?
NELLIE: Full marks, Bugsy.
BUGSY: Can’t you take a joke, Nellie?
NELLIE: Take it!? I’ve employed it for two years, and now it’s somebody else’s turn.
BUGSY: I suppose I’d better go then. [trudging off eliciting audience sympathy]
NELLIE: Stop playing for sympathy; this isn’t Jack and the Beanstalk, you know.
BUGSY: No, but it still has an old cow in it. [exits SL]
NELLIE: Oooh! Hopefully, my next TA won’t be so cheeky.
Enter Marion [SR]
MARION: Hello, Nellie!
NELLIE: Hello, Lady Marion.
MARION: I’ve just seen Bugsy, and he seemed upset, Nellie.
NELLIE: That’s because I’ve just sacked him.
MARION: But Bugsy’s been with you forever.
NELLIE: Two years actually. It just seems like it’s been forever.
MARION: Do you think you’ll find another TA willing to work for nothing?
NELLIE: Bugsy didn’t work for nothing; he got paid in kind.
MARION: What kind of kind?
NELLIE: [to audience] Steady on now. He got free board and lodgings, Marion.
MARION: How come you didn’t pay him in money?
NELLIE: I can’t afford it because of all the government’s education cuts.
MARION: What have they cut now?
NELLIE: Everything. I’ve even had to recycle the kid’s exercise books.
MARION: How can you recycle exercise books?
NELLIE: By cutting them into squares and hanging them in the loo.
MARION: But any new TA might want paid in actual wages.
NELLIE: Good point. I’ll tell Bugsy he can have his old job back.
Music cue 2: Enter Robin [SL]
ROBIN: Hello Marion.
MARION: Hello Robin!
ROBIN: Who’s this, Marion?
MARION: This is my boyfriend, Robin Hood.
NELLIE: I notice you’re wearing tights, Robin.
ROBIN: Yes, I find them comfortable for swinging.
NELLIE: Which way?
ROBIN: Anyway I fancy.
NELLIE: He seems a confused young man, Marion.
MARION: Robin isn’t confused, Nellie, but I think you might be.
