SCENE ONE
WONDERLAND
Chorus are onstage. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Wally [SR]
WALLY: Hiya, Folks! I say, I say! What’s big and wobbly and hovers in the air? A jellycopter! [laughs]
Chorus groan.
CHORUS 1: Give it a rest, Wally.
WALLY: But it’s my job to get everybody in a happy mood, ready to cheer the King and Queen of Hearts when they arrive. If they don’t get the welcome they expect, the Queen will have my head. Couldn’t you at least force a titter?
CHORUS 2: Sorry, Wally, but we’ve heard all your jokes before.
CHORUS 3: [indicating audience] Yes, but this lot won’t have.
CHORUS 4: I wouldn’t bet on it.
WALLY: Listen, folks. I’m Wally the Joker, and whenever I come on and shout, ‘hiya, folks’! You all shout back, ‘tell us a joke, you funny bloke’, and I’ll tell you one of my brilliant jokes, okay? Let’s have a go. [exit and re-enter] Hiya, folks! Listen, boys and girls, this is a panto, so you can be as loud as you like and nobody will tell you off. Let’s try it again. [repeats business] Hiya, folks! I don’t think the mums and dads were joining in. Were they boys and girls? We’ll have another go. And this time, everybody, join in. [repeat business] Hiya, folks! I say, I say! My mum-in-law has just gone to Moscow.
CHORUS 5: Is she Russian?
WALLY: No, she’s taking her time! [laughs]
Chorus groan.
CHORUS 6: If that’s the best you can do, Wally, you deserve to lose your head.
Exit Chorus [SL]
WALLY: They obviously don’t have a sense of humour. See you later, folks! [exits SL]
Enter Alice crawling on [SR] she quickly stands.
ALICE: Thank goodness I can stand again, that rabbit hole was ever so cramped. [gazing around] What a strange place. [calls] Mr Rabbit, where are you!?
Enter Millie [SL]
MILLIE: There you are, Alice!
ALICE: Mum! What are you doing here?
MILLIE: You’re late for your tea again.
SFX: Cartoon style running-whizzing sound.
Enter White Rabbit at a run [USL]
MILLIE: Oh, look, it’s the Easter Bunny!
W. RABBIT: [stops and checks his watch] Aaaah! I’m still late for the royal wedding!
MILLIE: Another, royal wedding! Who’s getting married this time?
ALICE: The Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds.
MILLIE: Never heard of them; they must be minor royals.
W. RABBIT: I’m late! Goodbye! [exits SR]
ALICE: Wait, Mr Rabbit! [exits after White Rabbit]
MILLIE: I’m though chasing after Alice. Who cares about a stuffy old royal wedding,
anyway?
Music cue 2: Enter Knave of Spades [SL]
KNAVE: Did somebody mention a royal wedding?
MILLIE: I did – why?
KNAVE: So, who’s getting married?
MILLIE: The Princess of Hearts and the Prince of Diamonds, apparently.
KNAVE: I’m supposed to be marrying the Princess!
MILLIE: Are you the vicar?
KNAVE: No, I should be the groom!
MILLIE: Jilted you, did she?
KNAVE: The King of Hearts promised his daughter, Princess Ruby, would marry me.
MILLIE: And who are you?
KNAVE: I’m the Knave of Spades.
MILLIE: I think somebody’s dealt you a bum hand.
KNAVE: Yes, but I always come up trumps.
MILLIE: [wafting] I wondered what that rotten smell was.
Enter Alice [SR]
MILLIE: Did you catch the White Rabbit, Alice?
ALICE: No, Mum, he was too fast for me.
KNAVE: I too seek the White Rabbit, and I’ll pay a handsome reward to whoever helps me capture him.
MILLIE: He went that-a-way. [points SR]
KNAVE: Thanks! [exits at a run SR]
MILLIE: [shouts] Just make the cheque out to Millie!
ALICE: I wonder why he’s after the White Rabbit, Mum?
MILLIE: Who cares, Alice?
ALICE: I didn’t like the look of him, Mum; he reminded me of Professor Snape.
MILLIE: I thought he was a creepy sort at first until I noticed his better qualities.
ALICE: And when was that?
MILLIE: The moment he mentioned ‘handsome reward’.
Music cue 3: Enter Dum and Dee [SL]
MILLIE: Eh-up! It’s the Chuckle Brothers.
DEE: [to Millie] Hello, to you.
DUM: [to Alice] Hello, to you.
DEE: [to Millie] Hello, to you again.
DUM: We’ll introduce ourselves if we may.
DEE: Or if you like, we’ll go away.
DUM: I’m Tweedledum.
DEE: I’m Tweedledee.
DUM & DEE: And Tweedly twins are what we be.
DUM: [to Millie] Now who are you?
DEE: [to Alice] And who are you?
DUM: [to Millie] And who are you again?
MILLIE: [points to herself and Alice] I’m me, that’s her, that’s her, I’m me. But I’m not her and she’s not me, I can be silly too, you see.
DEE: And very well you do it too.
