SCENE ONE
TUMBLEDOWN VILLAGE
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Handy Andy [SL] carrying a tool-bag.
ANDY: Hiya boys and girls, and welcome to Tumbledown Village! I’m Andy, but
everybody calls me ‘Handy Andy’, because there’s nothing I can’t fix. Every
time I come on and shout, ‘who can fix it’? I want you all to shout back, ‘Andy
can’! Okay? Let’s have a go. [shouts] Who can fix it? Some of you don’t
sound too sure. I’ll try it again. Who can fix it? That was much better.
CHORUS 1: Where are you off to, Andy?
ANDY: Tumbledown Orphanage.
CHORUS 2: What for this time?
ANDY: Old Mother Hubbard’s having trouble with her plumbing, again.
CHORUS 3: Maybe she ought to see a doctor instead. [laughs]
ANDY: I meant her water system! I’m just going to check the old boiler over.
CHORUS 4: Don’t let her hear you calling her that, Andy.
ANDY: I wasn’t, even though she is.
CHORUS 5: We think she fancies you like mad.
ANDY: And I’d have to be mad to fancy her.
CHORUS 6: You’ll be lucky if you get out alive, Andy.
Exit Chorus laughing.
ANDY: They could be right. The last time I went there, Mother Hubbard locked the
door and wouldn’t let me go until I’d given her a kiss. I told her to close her
eyes and pucker up and used my sink plunger on her instead. Now she thinks
I’m the best kisser in town and fancies me even more. I suppose I’d better get
it over with. See you all later, folks; I hope. [exits SR]
Music cue 4: Enter Demon [SL]
DEMON: Fairy Good will never stop me,
From causing pain and misery.
As fairies go she’s not very bright,
This time I’ll beat her out of sight.
Enter Squire Gambit [SR] wailing.
SQUIRE: Woe is me! I’ve gambled away all my money, and now I’m ruined!
DEMON: Had a bit of bad luck, Squire?
SQUIRE: I never have anything else these days.
DEMON: Well, your luck is about to change.
SQUIRE: What are you talking about?
DEMON: I’m going to grant you three wishes.
SQUIRE: I thought this was Old Mother Hubbard, and not Aladdin.
DEMON: So, you don’t want your three wishes?
SQUIRE: I didn’t say that now, did I?
DEMON: Then tell me, what would you like for your first wish?
SQUIRE: I’d like an inexhaustible supply of cash.
DEMON: No problem. [hands him a small purse] Here you are.
SQUIRE: It won’t take long to spend whatever’s inside this little purse.
DEMON: That purse is a very special purse.
SQUIRE: What’s so special about it?
DEMON: It’s a magic purse that never empties.
SQUIRE: You’re having me on.
DEMON: Why don’t you reach inside and see what’s there.
SQUIRE: [takes out a £10 note] A measly ten pounds! That won’t go far. [turns purse
inside out] I thought you said it never emptied.
DEMON: Look again.
SQUIRE: [takes out another £10] Another ten pounds! Maybe it is magic after all.
DEMON: And for your second wish?
SQUIRE: I’d like to own an enormous mansion.
DEMON: [clicks fingers] Done! You are now the proud owner of Buckingham Palace.
SQUIRE: But don’t the royal family live there?
DEMON: Not anymore. [produces deeds] Here are the deeds to it.
SQUIRE: Fantastic!
DEMON: And for your third and final wish?
SQUIRE: Let me see. I have an inexhaustible supply of cash, plus Buckingham Palace. All I need now is a sexy young wife to make my life complete.
DEMON: I’m afraid I can’t make anybody fall in love with you.
DEMON: Who mentioned anything about love?
SQUIRE: Very well, you will meet your heart’s desire today, and the rest is up to you.
SQUIRE: I can’t wait! But why are you doing all this for me?
DEMON: I’m just paying it forward, my friend.
SQUIRE: This is beyond my wildest dreams!
DEMON: And as an added bonus. [produces deeds] Here are the deeds to Old
Mother Hubbard’s orphanage with your name on them.
SQUIRE: What do I want with a rundown orphanage?
DEMON: It might help to persuade the object of your desire to marry you. Goodbye,
and may your new-found wealth bring you happiness. [exits SL]
SQUIRE: I’m normally a decent sort, but the chance of money and power alters one’s
morality somewhat; ask any MP. I’ll go check out my new pad. [shouts] Taxi!
Enter Bump and Grind in a cut-out taxi [SR] Enter a daydreaming Megan [SL] who wanders in front of them, causing them to halt suddenly.
SFX: Tyres screeching.
BUMP: Mind where you’re going, Miss!
MEGAN: I’m so sorry, I must have been daydreaming.
SQUIRE: I saw everything, my dear, and it was their fault entirely.
BUMP & GRIND: [exiting taxi] Oh, no,, it wasn’t!
SQUIRE: Oh, yes it was!
BUMP & GRIND: Oh, no it wasn’t!
SQUIRE: Shut up and wait there. [to Megan] Allow me to introduce myself, my dear.
I’m Squire Gambit.
MEGAN: Pleased to meet you Squire, I’m Megan.
SQUIRE: [leering] Well, Megan, can I offer you a lift somewhere; anywhere?
MEGAN: Thanks, but Mother Hubbard warned me never to accept lifts from strangers.
SQUIRE: You’re one of Mother Hubbard’s orphans?
MEGAN: Yes, I lost my parents when I was just a baby.
GRIND: That’s really sad, isn’t it, Bump?
BUMP: Yes, and I know how she feels, Grind. I lost my parents when I was a child.
GRIND: They died?
BUMP: No, they moved house while I was at school and forgot to tell me.
