SCENE ONE
THE OLD BAZAAR IN CAIRO
Baba’s Barber Shop is [DSR] a barber’s chair is outside. Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Donna [SL]
DONNA: Stand by your beds, the star of the show’s arrived!
CHORUS 1: Is that a new dress you’re wearing, Donna?
DONNA: Well, it’s new to me. I got it from Oxfam. I’m that poor I can’t even afford to shop at Primark. Are you all here for the camel racing?
CHORUS 2: Yes, Donna. Is it true you used to be a camel jockey?
DONNA: Yes, but I packed it in after my first race.
CHORUS 3: How come?
DONNA: I fell at the start and got trampled underfoot.
CHORUS 4: That would explain the state of your face.
CHORUS 5: Not to mention her body.
DONNA: Cheek! Most women would die for a body like mine! I’m such a perfect specimen of womanhood I’m considering leaving my body to medical science.
CHORUS 1: You ought to leave it to science fiction!
Chorus laugh.
DONNA: Clear off, you cheeky lot! [shoos Chorus off SL] Hello, boys and girls! I’m Donna Baba, a poor but insanely attractive young widow. My husband died in a freak accident when he backed into a working lathe and gave himself a nasty turn. I sank the insurance money into this here barber shop, and it’s been a complete disaster. I blame my two sons, Rhum and Ali. Rhum can’t cut it as a barber, and Ali disappeared two years ago, and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him since. [emotional] I don’t know if he’s alive or dead. If he ever turns up again, I’ll flaming well kill him! I’d better find Rhum. He should have opened the shop an hour ago. Bye for now. [exits SR]
Enter Rhum [SL]
RHUM: Hello everybody! I’m Rhum Baba, and I’m a barber. You all look a cut above, and I’m wondering if you’d like to be my friends. Well, would you? Great. Now, whenever I come on, I’ll shout ‘rhum-tiddly-om-pom’ and you all reply, ‘pom-pom’. Okay? Let’s have a go. Rhum-tiddly-om-pom! Let’s do it again, and this time, I want you to open your mouths that wide I can see what you’ve had for breakfast. Rhum-tiddly-om-pom! [pointing] Cornflakes. Porridge. Curry!?
Enter a Man [SR] wearing a curly black wig underneath his turban.
MAN: Good morning, I’d like a haircut, please.
RHUM: Certainly, sir; please take a seat.
MAN: Shouldn’t we go inside your shop first?
RHUM: Our power’s been cut off, so we’re doing it outside today.
MAN: Then it’s a good job it isn’t raining. [sits]
RHUM: [removes man’s turban and tiny dots of white paper fall out] I notice you have a touch of dandruff, sir.
MAN: Tell me about it. I’ve tried everything to clear it, but nothing’s worked.
RHUM: Then today is your lucky day. [produces a small bottle] This will get rid of your dandruff in five seconds flat.
MAN: That sounds marvellous! I’ll have some.
RHUM: I must warn you, it’s very strong and might sting a bit.
MAN: I think I can cope with a little bit of stinging. Carry on. [Rhum sprinkles contents onto his hair and massages it in] Aaahh! My head’s on fire!
RHUM: Hold on! [exits and returns with a towel with ‘Fire Blanket’ written large on it and wraps it around the man’s head]
MAN: [soothed] Ooooh! That’s better.
RHUM: I warned you it might sting a bit, didn’t I?
MAN: It certainly did! But it’ll be worth it if it gets rid of my dandruff.
RHUM: I’ll count down from five and then remove the towel, and it will all have gone. [gets audience to count along] Five…four…three…two…one! [removes towel along with Man’s wig, revealing a bald head] Woah!
MAN: Has it all gone?
RHUM: It sure has.
MAN: [feeling his head] Aaahh! [jumps up] I’m completely bald!
RHUM: Yes, but at least you won’t be bothered by dandruff anymore.
MAN: [draws dagger] And neither will you once I’ve removed your head!
RHUM: [backing off] Easy now, sir, keep your hair on. What am I saying!? It’s time to throw in the towel. [throws towel and wig at Man] Bye! [exits USL]
MAN: Come back here you shyster! [exits after Rhum]
Enter Donna [SL]
DONNA: I couldn’t find Rhum anywhere; but when I do, he won’t know what’s hit him.
Enter Rhum at a run [SL] looking over his shoulder, he runs into Donna.
SFX: Comedy crashing sound.
DONNA: Aaahh! [falls down and flails her legs about revealing comedy bloomers]
RHUM: Whoops!
DONNA: [standing] You clumsy great oaf, Rhum!
RHUM: Sorry, Mum, but a deranged bald-headed customer was chasing me just now.
DONNA: Why’s a bald-headed customer chasing you?
RHUM: Because he wasn’t bald when he came in.
DONNA: What on earth did you do to him!?
RHUM: I used that new anti-dandruff lotion on him, and it wasn’t only the dandruff that disappeared.
DONNA: Can’t you do anything right, Rhum?
RHUM: You’re the one who bought it off eBay!
DONNA: That’s right, blame me for everything.
Enter Fatima [SR]
FATIMA: [waving to them] Coo-ee!
RHUM: Oh, no, it’s Fatima from the pizza parlour! She fancies me like mad, and I’d have to be mad to fancy her.
FATIMA: Do you fancy taking me up the casbah tonight, Rhum?
RHUM: I’d love to, Fatima, but I’m afraid I can’t.
FATIMA: Why not?
RHUM: Because I’m just off to join the Foreign Legion.
FATIMA: But you’re not foreign.
RHUM: I’m half foreign.
DONNA: No, you’re not.
RHUM: But you told me dad was from abroad.
DONNA: He was from a broad – in Norfolk!
