SCENE ONE
THE TOWN OF THEREANBACH
Music cue 1: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Boris [SL]
BORIS: Hiya, folks! I’m Boris Bogof, and this is the town of Thereanbach in beautiful Transylvania, a place once famous as the location for old horror movies, which made us a tourist hotspot. But those days are long gone, and it’s my job as chief tourist officer to attract people back again. So, whenever I come on and shout, ‘where d’ya wanna go’? You all reply, ‘Thereanbach’! Okay? Let’s give it a go. [exits and re-enters] Where d’ya wanna go? I’m sure you can do better than that. [repeat business] Brilliant!
Enter Fanny [SL]
BORIS: Ey-up! It looks like they’re filming a remake of The Bride of Frankenstein.
FANNY: [spots audience] Oh, hello! I wasn’t expecting a welcoming committee!
BORIS: Pardon me, but are you a movie star?
FANNY: [preening] No, but people often compare me to Keira Nightly.
BORIS: [aside] She looks more like Keir Stamer. What’s your name?
FANNY: I’m Dame Fanny Haddock.
BORIS: I thought I could smell something fishy in the air.
FANNY: That’ll be my new perfume.
BORIS: What’s it called?
FANNY: It’s called Sailor’s Seduction, and it’s been specially formulated to attract seafarers. Do you sail?
BORIS: No, the sea makes me sick. I can’t stand going up and down, all the time.
FANNY: Personally, I can’t get enough of it.
BORIS: I’ll bet you can’t. I haven’t seen you around here before; are you a tourist?
FANNY: No, I’ve just moved from England to start a new life in Transylvania with my son Roger and daughter Lucy.
BORIS: What about your husband?
FANNY: I’m a widow. After my husband died, I couldn’t look at another man for ten years. But now I’m out of prison, I can honestly say it was worth it.
BORIS: You killed your husband!
FANNY: Don’t talk daft. It was the poison mushrooms what killed him. And what’s your name then, handsome?
BORIS: Bogof!
FANNY: There’s no need to be rude!
BORIS: Bogof’s my name. Boris Bogof.
FANNY: If somebody married you would they get another one of you free?
BORIS: Whereabouts are your son and daughter?
FANNY: They’re following on with our luggage. [looks SL] Here they come now.
Enter Roger and Lucy [SL] struggling with heavy suitcases.
ROGER: Can’t you give us a hand with these suitcases, Mum?
FANNY: I’d love to, but you know I suffer from Carpool Funnel.
LUCY: It’s Carpal Tunnel, Mum.
ROGER: I think she’s losing her grip, sis. [laughs] Carpal? Grip?
FANNY: Watch it, or I’ll give you a clip!
BORIS: Welcome to Thereanbach, folks!
FANNY: Kids, this is Boris. Boris, this is my son, Roger.
ROGER: How do, Boris.
FANNY: And my beautiful daughter, Lucy. Everybody says she’s the spit of me.
LUCY: [smitten] Pleased to meet you, Boris.
BORIS: [smitten] Likewise, Lucy.
FANNY: Could you direct us to The Wooden Stake Inn, please, Boris?
BORIS: I’m afraid that place was closed years ago.
FANNY: And I’m re-opening it as its new owner.
ROGER: You’ve bought a pub in Transylvania called The Wooden Stake Inn, Mum?
FANNY: That’s right. I’ve always fancied running a little country pub, and countries don’t come much littler than Transylvania.
ROGER: I have a very bad feeling about this.
BORIS: [pointing SR] The Wooden Stake Inn is at the end of that road there.
SFX: Wolf howl.
LUCY: What was that?
FANNY: It sounded like a wolf!
ROGER: A werewolf!?
BORIS: There aren’t any werewolves in Transylvania.
ROGER: That’s a relief.
BORIS: Count Dracula scared them all away ages ago.
FANNY: My favourite Dracula is Christopher Lee.
LUCY: Christopher who?
FANNY: Lee! He would hypnotise his victims with his bloodshot eyes before biting their necks and bleeding them dry. A bit like…[current Chancellor]
ROGER: Vampires give me the collywobbles.
BORIS: Don’t tell me you actually believe in vampires!
ROGER: I like to keep an open mind.
FANNY: That would explain why your brain has fallen out.
LUCY: Boys and girls, do any of you believe in vampires?
FANNY: Well, that proved inconclusive
ROGER: Listen, folks, I’ll count to three and all those who believe in vampires shout, ‘stakes in’! And those who don’t, shout ‘stakes out’. One…two…three…!
LUCY: Who won, Mum?
FANNY: I think it was the ‘stakes out’, but I wouldn’t stake my life on it. [laughs] Anyway, forget all this vampire nonsense and let’s get to our new home.
Lucy struggles to lift her heavy suitcase.
BORIS: Would you like me to help you carry that big, heavy old bag?
ROGER: Thanks, Boris, but I doubt all three of us could lift Mum, let alone carry her.
FANNY: He meant the suitcase! We’ll manage thank you, Boris. Let’s go, kids.
Exit Fanny, Roger, and Lucy [SR]
BORIS: Gosh, that Lucy’s pretty, isn’t she? In fact, I think I’ve fallen madly in love with her at first sight. [dances and sings] I’m in love! I’m in love! I’m in…!
Enter Mayor Muller [SL]
MAYOR: Boris Bogof!
BORIS: Mayor Muller!
MAYOR: What are you doing dancing about in a public place?
BORIS: I’m just a happy tourist officer, Mr Mayor.
MAYOR: I’d be happy if we had any actual tourists, Boris.
BORIS: I’ve just welcomed a whole family here not five minutes ago.
MAYOR: Are they staying at the Premier inn?
BORIS: No, that got burned down last week by monster-hunting vigilantes.
