SCENE ONE
OLD LONDON TOWN
Fitzwarren’s shop is [USR] Music cue 3: Alice and Chorus: After song ends…Exit Chorus [SR]
Enter Fitzwarren from shop.
ALICE: Good morning, Father, and what a wonderful day it is today!
FITZWARREN: How can you say that, Alice, when London is being overrun by rats?
Enter Chorus at a run [SL] screaming chased by a rat and exits [SR]
FITZWARREN: You see, Alice? That’s exactly what I’m talking about!
ALICE: We mustn’t let them get us down, Father, or King Rat will have won.
FITZWARREN: His rats keep breaking into my shop and are eating us out of house and home. If they carry on, we’ll soon go bust.
ALICE: At least we’ll get a break from them when we sail for Morocco tomorrow.
FITZWARREN: I’ve invested everything I own in this trip, Alice. The Sultan of Morocco has placed an order for five hundred barrels of our finest treacle.
ALICE: Will it solve all our money worries, Father?
FITZWARREN: No, Alice, but it’ll see us through a sticky patch. You haven’t seen Sally, anywhere, have you?
ALICE: No, Father.
Enter Sally [SL] singing
SALLY: #Oh, what a beautiful morning# Hello, everybody, I’m Sally Forth! We have got a big crowd in today, haven’t we? Something exciting must be happening, and it sure as heck isn’t this show. Perhaps Lady Godiva’s protesting against the council tax again. I don’t know how the hussy gets away with it. She always gets a rebate, mind. When I tried it, everybody just laughed at my ass. Maybe I should’ve ridden on a horse instead.
FITZWARREN: Where have you been, Sally? I’ve been looking all over for you.
SALLY: And now that you’ve found me, what is it you want?
FITZWARREN: I want to know what time we’re having breakfast?
SALLY: I don’t know what time you’re having yours, but I’ve already had mine.
ALICE: I didn’t see you having breakfast, Sally.
SALLY: That’s because I went to McDonald’s for mine.
FITZWARREN: And now you’re back you can make ours.
SALLY: I would, but I’m afraid the pantry’s empty.
ALICE: But you went shopping at Asda only yesterday!
SALLY: And the rats went shopping last night.
FITZWARREN: Oh, no, and I’m starving!
SALLY: I could try making something from the leftovers. What would you like?
FITZWARREN: Two rashers of bacon burnt to a crisp. An egg boiled so hard you’d need a hacksaw to get the top off. A slice of blackened toast, and a cup of tea that tastes like sludge.
SALLY: I can’t make you a breakfast like that!
FITZWARREN: You managed it all right yesterday.
Enter a Rat at a run [SL] it crosses the stage and exits [SR]
SALLY: Can’t you set traps or poison for all these rats?
FITZWARREN: The traps don’t work, and we’ve run out of poison.
SALLY: Have you tried Boots?
FITZWARREN: I want to poison them, Sally, not kick them to death.
Enter Jack from shop with a small bag containing swimming trunks.
JACK: Eh-up! It’s like the line-up from an old spaghetti western.
ALICE: What do you mean, Jack?
JACK: [points at Alice, Fitzwarren and Sally] The good, the bad, and the ugly.
SALLY: I wonder why they call some cowboy movies, spaghetti westerns.
JACK: It’s because they were made by Italian directors. My favourite director was Quentin Tagliatelle! [laughs]
FITZWARREN: Never mind your stupid jokes, Jack. Have you packed my trunks ready for our trip to Morocco?
JACK: Yes, Mr Fitzwarren. [hands over a small bag] Here they are.
FITZWARREN: [takes out swimming trunks] Swimming trunks! I meant my sea trunks!
JACK: You can use them in the sea, can’t you?
SALLY: It beats me why you ever employed him, Alderman.
FITZWARREN: You said you needed a short-order cook, Sally.
SALLY: Yes, and look what I got. Somebody with a short-order brain.
FITZWARREN: If you want a job done properly, you must do it yourself. [exits SR]
ALICE: Can’t you get anything right, Jack?
JACK: I don’t know why everybody’s got it in for me, I work hard me.
SALLY: Name one job you had before we employed you.
JACK: I used to be a lumberjack in the Sahara.
ALICE: But there aren’t any trees in the Sahara, Jack.
JACK: Well, not anymore, there aren’t! And before that I had a job making keyboards until they sacked me.
ALICE: Why did they sack you?
JACK: They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts. [laughs] Think about it.
SALLY: Nothing much has changed there.
JACK: I got my own back on the foreman though.
ALICE: What did you do, Jack?
JACK: When he fell asleep at lunchtime, I shaved his eyebrows off.
ALICE: I bet they were surprised when they woke up.
JACK: Yes, but you couldn’t tell. [to audience] I’ll wait.
SALLY: All right then, name one job you’ve done this week.
JACK: I put holes in all those doughnuts you made yesterday.
SALLY: It’s what you used to put them in that worries me Jack; it’s not hygienic.
JACK: I cleaned it first!
SALLY: Yes, but you still shouldn’t have used…a loo-brush handle.
JACK: You’re too fussy, Sally.
SALLY: Fussy about food poisoning, yes. Now, get inside and help me finish off that fresh batch. [shoves Jack off]
Exit Sally and Jack into shop.
ALICE: I wish London was back the way it was before all the rats arrived. Father’s shop was prosperous, the streets were clean, and everybody was happy.
Enter Jack from the shop.
ALICE: That was quick, Jack. Are the doughnuts done already?
JACK: Almost, Alice; they just needed the holes putting in.
SFX: Loud explosion.
SALLY & FITZ: [screams off] Aaaah!
JACK: It sounds like they’re in now.
