SCENE ONE
OUTSIDE TWANKEY’S LAUNDRETTE
A large laundry basket is [USL] Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Wishee [SL]
WISHEE: Hiya, kids! [cocks an ear] It’s all right, you can answer back, you know.
CHORUS 1: Maybe their parents taught them not to talk to strangers.
WISHEE: I’m not strange!
CHORUS 2: That’s a matter of opinion an’ all.
CHORUS 3: It might help if you told them your name.
WISHEE: Good idea. Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Wishee Washee, and this is my mum’s laundrette where I work. Well, sometimes. Now, I like everything to be nice and friendly; so, whenever I come on and shout, ‘Wishee! Wishee! Wishee’! You must all reply. ‘Washee! Washee! Washee’. Okay? Let’s have a go at it. [exits and re-enters] Wishee! Wishee! Wishee! Let’s try it again with all the mums and dads joining in this time. [repeats business] Fantastic!
CHORUS 4: Shouldn’t you be inside helping your mum, Wishee?
WISHEE: Yes, but I’m sure she’ll manage on her own.
CHORUS 1: And we’re sure your job is on the line.
CHORUS 2: Literally.
WISHEE: What are you talking about now?
CHORUS 3: [indicating a note pegged to the washing line] Look on the line, Wishee!
WISHEE: What’s this? [reads note] Laundry assistant wanted. Wishee won’t Washee. Oh, no! Mum must be thinking about making me redundant!
CHORUS 4: You’ve always been redundant, Wishee.
WISHEE: I don’t see any of you lot being busy.
CHORUS 1: We’re busy right now.
WISHEE: Doing what?
CHORUS 2: Taking the mickey out of you.
WISHEE: Clear off, you mickey takers!
Exit Chorus [SL] laughing.
WISHEE: I might be lazy, but I’m not as lazy as my brother Aladdin. He’s too lazy to even blow his own nose. He just sticks his head out the window and lets the wind blow it for him instead. Although he’s never too lazy to chase after girls.
Enter Aladdin [SR]
ALADDIN: Good morning, Wishee! And what a wonderful day it is today!
WISHEE: Well, it might be for some of us, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: It’s on days like this I almost wish I had a job, so I could take the day off.
WISHEE: You do have a job, Aladdin. Working at our family laundrette, remember?
ALADDIN: Speaking of work. Would you mind doing my shift today, Wishee? I’ve got something important to see to.
WISHEE: Yes, I would mind! [in Aladdin’s face] I’m sick of shifting soiled shirts, stinky socks, and smelly shorts, that you should be shifting instead of skiving!
ALADDIN: [wiping his eye] There’s nothing like spitting it out, Wishee. Allow me to present you with a peach offering.
WISHEE: Don’t you mean a peace offering?
ALADDIN: No, Wishee, a peach offering. [produces a peach]
WISHEE: Where did you get that peach, Aladdin?
ALADDIN: From the palace gardens.
WISHEE: You risked your life for a paltry peach!?
ALADDIN: Don’t talk daft, Wishee. I was trying to catch sight of Princess Pekoe.
WISHEE: But it’s certain death for anybody caught looking at the Princess.
ALADDIN: The palace guards aren’t clever enough to catch me.
WISHEE: Famous last words, Aladdin. Anyway, I’ve lost my appetite.
ALADDIN: Since when?
WISHEE: Since Mum pinned this note on the washing-line. [shows note] Look!
ALADDIN: Don’t take any notice, Wishee. Mum’s always saying stuff she doesn’t mean.
WISHEE: I know that, Aladdin, but this time it’s in writing.
Enter Twankey [SL] struggling with a basket of laundry.
TWANKEY: This washing from the local gym weighs a ton! I think somebody must’ve left their dumbbells inside.
ALADDIN: Good morning, Mum!
TWANKEY: Speaking of dumbbells, I’m surprised to see you two here.
WISHEE: What do you mean, Mum?
TWANKEY: You usually hide when there’s work to be done. Whereas I spend every day slaving away. I sometimes feel as though life is slowly passing me by.
ALADDIN: It might’ve started off slowly, Mum, but I think it’s lapping you now.
TWANKEY: I might not be as young as I was, but there’s still life in the old boiler if it’s stoked hard enough. Your late father was hopeless with boilers. And everything else, for that matter. And talk about lazy! I’ve known council workers who moved faster than him. Before we married, he promised me that life with him would be like a fairytale. And it was – Grimm.
WISHEE: I don’t ever remember dad.
TWANKEY: That’s because you were born eleven months after he died, Wishee.
WISHEE: How could I have been born eleven months after dad died?
TWANKEY: You were a late baby, Wishee—and you’ve been late ever since.
ALADDIN: Have you put on weight, Mum?
TWANKEY: I might’ve added the odd gram recently, what’s it to you?
WISHEE: I thought you were on a diet, Mum.
TWANKEY: I am, Wishee, but I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
ALADDIN: That would explain it then.
TWANKEY: I meant stress wise! And whenever women get stressed, we tend to eat lots of chocolate.
WISHEE: That woman in the third row must be mega stressed.
TWANKEY: Please excuse him, dear. When he was a baby, a heavy camera dropped on his head, and he never fully developed.
ALADDIN: What have you got to be stressed about, Mum?
TWANKEY: I’m a poor widow who runs a laundrette that’s losing money hand-over-fist, with two sons who wouldn’t recognise hard work if it bit them on the bum. And that’s just for starters.
SFX: Explosion – smoke pours onstage.
WISHEE: It sounds like the old boiler’s blown a gasket again.
TWANKEY: That’s the third time this month.
ALADDIN: Why don’t just you buy a new one, Mum?
TWANKEY: I can’t afford it.
WISHEE: How come?
TWANKEY: The laundry business is all washed up. [laughs] All washed up? Never mind. What’s that in your hand, Aladdin?
ALADDIN: It’s a peach, Mum.
TWANKEY: But we can’t afford fresh fruit. You haven’t been shoplifting have you?
ALADDIN: No, Mum, it’s from the palace gardens.
TWANKEY: Don’t tell me you’ve been trying to see that Princess Pekoe again.
ALADDIN: I can’t resist it, Mum, they say she’s the most beautiful girl in all of China.
TWANKEY: But if you’re caught, you could lose your head! Not that you use it much.
