SCENE ONE
OUTSIDE TWANKEY’S LAUNDRETTE
A practical door is [USR] with a small bench next it. A large laundry basket is [USC] Music cue 4: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Wishee from Laundrette.
WISHEE: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Wishee Washee, and I’m the toughest, strongest laundry boy in all of Peking! I’m fully trained in Karaoke, Sushi, and Origami! Who wants to be in my gang? Great! Now, whenever I come on and shout, ‘hiya, gang’! You all respond, ‘hiya, Wishee’. It might not be original, but it’s easy to remember. Let’s have a go at it. [exit and re-enter] Hiya, gang! You can do better than that. [repeat business] Brill! You’re all now members of Wishee’s Washup Gang. Which means whenever Mum asks me to wash a load of dirty, smelly laundry, you must all lend a hand. [laughs] Only joking.
TWANKEY: [off] Gangway! Runaway laundry! Clear the way!
Enter Chorus members at a run, screaming, followed by Widow Twankey on a bicycle with a basket at the front holding laundry. Wishee and Chorus scatter and Twankey careers off into wing [SR]
SFX: Crashing sounds.
Enter Twankey [SR] draped in laundry.
TWANKEY: [groggy] Ooooh. Bang goes me no claims bonus.
WISHEE: What do you think you’re doing, Mum?
TWANKEY: I had to collect loads of laundry and thought I’d use the shop bike.
WISHEE: But the brakes on that old thing are dead dodgy.
TWANKEY: So, I’ve just discovered.
CHORUS 1: You could’ve caused somebody a nasty injury just then, Mrs Twankey.
TWANKEY: I think I have – me. [rubs her bum] Ooooh! I think my big end’s gone.
WISHEE: [glances] No, Mum, I’m afraid it’s still there.
TWANKEY: [removes washing] Shut up, Wishee, and put this lot in the laundry basket.
WISHEE: Righto, Mum.
CHORUS 2: Didn’t you notice the speed limit sign, Mrs T?
TWANKEY: Yes, but I was going too fast to read it.
CHORUS 3: You might get a speeding ticket now.
TWANKEY: And where’s the proof I was speeding?
CHORUS 4: The speed camera will have snapped your face.
CHORUS 5: That’s another one bust, then.
TWANKEY: Cheek! Clear off, the lot of you; before I kick you all up the fortune cookies!
Exit Chorus [SL] laughing.
Enter Aladdin [SR]
ALADDIN: Hello, you two!
TWANKEY: Aladdin! Where have you been all morning?
ALADDIN: Here and there.
WISHEE: Doing what?
ALADDIN: This and that.
TWANKEY: You didn’t go anywhere near the royal palace by any chance?
ALADDIN: I might’ve done.
WISHEE: Don’t tell me you’re still trying to catch a glimpse of Princess Yasmin.
TWANKEY: Especially when you know the penalty if you get caught.
ALADDIN: But the thought of seeing her is driving me out of my mind, Mum.
WISHEE: If you ask me, you’re already out of your mind, Aladdin.
SFX: Police whistles.
ALADDIN: It’s the police!
TWANKEY: Somebody must’ve spotted you near the palace!
ALADDIN: I’d better hide! But where?
WISHEE: Inside this laundry basket, Aladdin. [to audience] Where else?
ALADDIN: Good idea, Wishee. [climbs in basket and closes lid]
Enter Yin and Yang [SR] blowing whistles.
YIN: Where is Aladdin?
WISHEE: [pointing SL] He went that-a-way.
YANG: Let’s get after him, Constable Yin!
YIN: Forget it, Constable Yang. Princess Yasmin is arriving shortly, and we must remind everybody about the royal protocol.
TWANKEY: But we already know the royal protocol.
YIN: Yes, but this lot…[audience]…won’t. Tell them, Constable Yang.
YANG: People peeking at the Princess will perish particularly painfully!
YIN: Whenever she enters, you must keep your eyes shut until she exits again.
WISHEE: And she’s on quite a bit so you’ll probably miss a lot of the action.
YIN: [to Twankey] When you see Aladdin, tell him we want to question him.
TWANKEY: You’ll be wasting your time. He can’t even get those stupid questions on the TV competitions right. You know the ones. ‘What do you call the big bright yellow thing in the sky? A: A Mirage? B: The Sun? Or C: A fried egg’?
YANG: I entered that one!
YIN: And I suppose your answer was, ‘a fried egg’? [laughs]
YANG: How did you guess?
YIN: Why on earth did you put, a fried egg?
YANG: I thought it might be a trick question.
WISHEE: How could anybody be that stupid?
TWANKEY: It beats me, Wishee, but you’d give him a run for his money.
YIN: Let’s go, Constable Yang.
Exit Yin and Yang [SL]
WISHEE: You can come out now, Aladdin.
ALADDIN: [climbing out] I don’t know why the police have always got it in for me.
WISHEE: Me neither, considering all the times you’ve helped them with their enquiries.
TWANKEY: It’s a mystery all right.
ALADDIN: Never mind the police, Mum, I have some marvellous news!
TWANKEY: Don’t tell me they’ve found a cure for idleness.
WISHEE: They haven’t, have they!?
ALADDIN: Relax, Wishee, it’s not that.
TWANKEY: Then what is it?
ALADDIN: I’ve decided to get married.
TWANKEY: That’s a bolt from the green!
ALADDIN: Don’t you mean the blue?
TWANKEY: No, green. I’m colour blind. So, who’s the lucky girl, Aladdin?
WISHEE: Is it the girl from the shoe shop who took a shine to you?
ALADDIN: No, Wishee.
TWANKEY: Is it her from the fish shop who thinks you’re a good catch?
ALADDIN: No, Mum.
WISHEE: Is it that optician’s receptionist who keeps giving you the eye?
ALADDIN: No, Wishee, she’s cross-eyed; it’s you she keeps looking at.
TWANKEY: Snap her up, Wishee. Friends with benefits and all that.
WISHEE: What do you mean, Mum?
ALADDIN: Bearing in mind this is a family show.
TWANKEY: We’ll all be eligible for a family and friends discount.
WISHEE: I’m not dating some cross-eyed girl just so you can get a discount!
TWANKEY: It’s all self, self, self with you, Wishee.
WISHEE: Who is she then, Aladdin?
ALADDIN: Princess Yasmin, of course.
TWANKEY: I need my hearing checked. I thought you said ‘Princess Yasmin’, just now.
ALADDIN: I did, Mum.
TWANKEY: But everybody knows it’s certain death for any commoner who looks upon Princess Yasmin’s face!
WISHEE: Let alone anything else of hers.
