SCENE ONE
OLD LONDON TOWN
Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Dick and Puss [SR]
DICK: It’s been a long walk from Gloucester, Puss, but we’re finally in London.
CHORUS 1: You’ve walked all the way here from Gloucester?
DICK: Yes, and I’ve come to London to seek my fortune. [slaps thigh]
CHORUS 2: Got a nice job in the city all lined up, have you?
DICK: No, because I won’t need one.
CHORUS 3: Then how do you expect to make your fortune?
DICK: I heard the streets of London are paved with gold, so I’ll just help myself.
CHORUS 4: I think somebody’s been pulling your leg, Dick.
DICK: You mean the streets of London aren’t paved with gold?
CHORUS 5: The council can’t afford to fill potholes, never mind pave streets with gold.
DICK: Then that scuppers all my plans.
CHORUS 6: Fancy believing in something as ridiculous as that!
Exit Chorus [SR] laughing.
DICK: I feel such a fool, Puss.
PUSS: [nods] Meow!
DICK: That’s the last time I believe Facebook posts.
PUSS: [shakes head] Meow.
DICK: Come on, Puss, we’re heading straight back to Gloucester.
PUSS: [holding his tummy] Meow!
DICK: I’m hungry too, Puss, but I don’t have any money for food.
Enter a Rat [SL] runs across stage and exits [SR] Puss runs after it.
DICK: Wait, Puss! [exits after Puss]
Enter Sally [SL]
SALLY: Hello, boys and girls! I’m Sally Forth, and I’ve come down to London to visit my son, Jack. I’m a widow and he’s the only family I have left. I don’t miss my late husband though because he was so mean. He once asked me what I’d like for my birthday, and I said, ‘nothing would make me happier than a diamond ring’, so he bought me nothing. I’ll never forget his last words. He looked up at me and whispered, ‘Aaaah’. I had no idea I was standing on his oxygen line. Now that I’m single and fancy free, let’s check out the men here. I wonder if there are any handsome men in the audience. [points] That man on the third row in the blue top. Yes, you! Do you know of any handsome men in the audience? Never mind. Anyway, I must go and find my Jack. See you all later! [exits SL]
Enter Jack [SR]
JACK: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Jack! Most people call me ‘Idle Jack’, which I think is unfair. I don’t mind coming into work; it’s the eight hours waiting to go home I hate. I work at Alderman Fitzwarren’s shop, and I’m in charge of stock replenishment and display rotation, otherwise known as shelf-filling. It took me ages to learn how to work the new till. It just didn’t seem to register. [laughs] We’ve just started giving customers bags for life, which I find a bit weird. I mean, how do we know how long they’ll live?
Enter Doris [SL]
DORIS: Hello, Jack!
JACK: Hi, Doris. [to audience] This is my girlfriend, Doris.
DORIS: But most people call me ‘Dozy Doris.
JACK: I didn’t know that, Doris. When did people start calling you, ‘Dozy’?
DORIS: It was just after I started going out with you, Jack.
JACK: Just a coincidence, obviously.
DORIS: [peering out] It seems we have a lot of tourists in today, Jack.
JACK: What’s your favourite London tourist attraction, Doris?
DORIS: The London Eye.
JACK: A friend of mine took poorly on it this morning.
DORIS: And how are they now?
JACK: They’re coming round slowly. [to audience] Think about it.
DORIS: Do you get many tourists in your shop, Jack?
JACK: Yes, and the other day one of them asked if I could tell them the way to Heathrow via Barking. So, I pointed at a map and woofed.
DORIS: When I was a tourist guide, I kept them amused by holding competitions.
JACK: Then why don’t we hold a competition with this lot, Doris?
DORIS: That sounds like a great idea, Jack.
JACK: [to audience] Okay folks, it’s competition time! Whenever I shout ‘Ey-up, lads’! I want all the boys to shout, ‘Ey-up, Jack’!
DORIS: And when I shout, ‘hiya, girls’! I want all the girls to shout, ‘hiya, Doris’!
JACK: Let’s try it, then. Ey-up, lads!
DORIS: Hiya, girls!
JACK: Did the girls do it, Doris?
DORIS: Yes, Jack, but I couldn’t hear the boys.
JACK: We’ll do it again and prove the boys were the loudest. Ey-up, lads!
DORIS: Hiya, girls! I think that proves the girls were the loudest.
JACK: Oh, no they weren’t!
DORIS: Oh, yes they were!
JACK: Let’s just call it a draw and move on, Doris.
DORIS: Okay, Jack.
Enter Sally [SL]
SALLY: Jack! My one and only offspring!
JACK: Mum! What are you doing down in London?
SALLY: I was worried about my little boy being all alone in the big city.
JACK: I’m fine, Mum, and I’m not alone.
SALLY: I can see that now. Well, aren’t you going to introduce me, Jack?
JACK: Mum, this is my girlfriend, Doris.
SALLY: Hello, Doris, I’m Sally.
DORIS: Pleased to meet you, Sally.
SALLY: Did you get yourself a nice job in London, Jack?
JACK: Yes, Mum, I work in a nice shop.
DORIS: And what do you sell?
JACK: All sorts.
SALLY: Oh, I love those. The pink round ones are my favourite.
JACK: Not Bassets Allsorts, Mum; we sell exotic goods.
SALLY: You work at Ann Summers!?
DORIS: It’s not that exotic, Sally.
