SCENE ONE
OLD LONDON TOWN
Fitzwarren’s shop front is [USR] and has a practical door. Music cue 1: Alice and Chorus. After song ends…
ALICE: [to audience] Hello there! I’m Alice Fitzwarren. Welcome to old London Town, where every day is an exciting adventure, and you never know what’s around the next corner.
CHORUS 1: But it’s usually a rat.
ALICE: I’ll admit London does have a bit of a rat problem.
CHORUS 2: A bit of a problem!?
CHORUS 3: We’re overrun with them, Alice!
Enter Fitzwarren [SR]
FITZWARREN: Good morning, everybody!
CHORUS: Good morning, Alderman Fitzwarren!
ALICE: Good morning, Father.
FITZWARREN: Good morning, Alice.
Music cue 2: Enter Rats at a run [SL] and chase Chorus off [SR]
ALICE: Something must be done about London’s rat problem, Father.
FITZWARREN: I agree, Alice. Let’s just hope the new Lord Mayor sorts it out quickly. Have you got everything ready for our trip to Morocco tomorrow?
ALICE: Not quite, Father, I’ve still got some more packing to do.
FITZWARREN: Then hurry up and do it, Alice, we must catch the early-morning tide.
ALICE: I’ll go and do it now, Father. [exits into shop]
FITZWARREN: [to audience] Hello, there. I’m Alderman Fitzwarren, and that’s my shop just there. It’s stocked with exotic goods from all over the world, and tomorrow I’m going to Morocco to bring back a cargo of dates. I wouldn’t mind a date myself, actually. I lost my wife five years ago, you see. No, she isn’t dead. She just ran off with somebody younger, richer, and handsomer. Personally, I don’t know what she saw in him.
Enter Sally from the shop.
SALLY: Hello, boys and girls! Finally a bit of class has arrived!
FITZWARREN: [looking past her] Where?
SALLY: It’s me, you silly Alderman!
FITZWARREN: And a comedian to boot.
SALLY: Aren’t you going to introduce me to all these lovely customers?
FITZWARREN: If you insist. [to audience] Everybody, this my shop cook, Sally Forth. Although I use the term ‘cook’ advisedly.
SALLY: I suppose Celebrity Chef would be more in keeping with my creative culinary credentials.
FITZWARREN: I’ve never even seen your credentials.
SALLY: Play your cards right, and I might show you them later.
FITZWARREN: I think I’ll pass, Sally. I’m off inside to do a stocktake. [exits into shop]
SALLY: Now he’s gone, we can get properly acquainted. Now, I like things nice and friendly boys and girls. So, every time I come on and shout, ‘hello, boys and girls’! I want you to all shout back, ‘hello, Sally’! Will you do that for me? Let’s try it shall we? [exits and re-enters] Hello, boys and girls! Wonderful! Who’d like a boiled sweet? [gives a sweet to someone in the front row] There you go. I only have the one, so you’ll have to share. Give it a suck and then pass it on. I’d love to stay and chat, but I must get the Alderman’s breakfast ready. I’m doing him cornflakes in ketchup, followed by bacon and banana omelette. Ta-ra then. [exits into shop]
Enter Dick and Puss [SR]
DICK: Well, Puss, here we are in London at last.
PUSS: It only seems five minutes since we left Gloucester. I think we must have encountered some sort of time warp on the way.
DICK: Yes, Puss, that must be what happened.
PUSS: My four poor paws are red raw.
DICK: I too have blisters on my blisters, Puss. But it’ll all be worthwhile now that
we’ve reached the city where the streets are paved with gold.
PUSS: So, you keep saying. Personally, I can’t help thinking you’re deluded.
DICK: Then maybe I’ll ask the audience what they think.
PUSS: Go ahead. I’m sure they won’t believe in something that stupid.
DICK: I don’t see why not; they seem happy enough to believe in a talking cat.
PUSS: And why shouldn’t they? Humans are always talking to their pets, so we’re bound to pick it up eventually. The clever ones amongst us, that is.
DICK: London is such a wonderful place, Puss. The sights, the sounds…
PUSS: The smells. [holds nose]
DICK: All the women are so cheerful, with their cries of, ‘how about it, dearie’? And the men are so keen to help carry my case; I have to keep running after them and snatching it back.
Music cue 3: Enter King Rat [SL]
KING RAT: [pointing around audience] I hate you! And you! And you! But most of all, I hate…[points at Dick]…you!
DICK: Me! But I don’t even know you!
KING RAT: Let me introduce myself. I’m King Rat, the evilest, rattiest rat in Ratdom!
DICK: King Rat?
KING RAT: That’s what I just said, cloth ears! My rat subjects are everywhere. In the dustbins, under the floorboards and in the drains. Not to mention in the kitchen of this here theatre. So, I wouldn’t eat anything that looks like it contains raisins if I were you.
DICK: Thanks for the warning; but why do you hate me when we’ve never met?
KING RAT: Because you have a cat, and I hate cats and anybody who owns them! And yours is a particularly mangy specimen.
PUSS: How very dare you! I’m a well-groomed feline I’ll have you know. I lick myself from tip to toe every morning.
KING RAT: And people call us rats disgusting.
DICK: You want to watch it you know. Puss here is the best ratcatcher in the business, and he could gobble you up in a flash.
KING RAT: Oh, meow, I’m really scared. I’d advise you to head back to the sticks and take your smelly cat with you before I destroy you both! [exits SL]
DICK: Perhaps London’s not as friendly as I thought. Let’s head home, Puss.
PUSS: Suits me, I didn’t want to come here anyway.
Music cue 4: Enter Bowbells [SR]
BOWBELLS: Stop right there, Dick Whittington!
DICK: How did you know my name?
BOWBELLS: It’s written on the side of your suitcase, Dick.
DICK: Oh, yeah. And who are you, then?
BOWBELLS: I’m Fairy Bowbells, and I’m here to help you realise your dream.
DICK: You’re going to help me win the lottery?
BOWBELLS: No, Dick, I’m going to help you become Lord Mayor.
DICK: Of Gloucester? Great!
BOWBELLS: No, Dick, London.
DICK: Even better! Will I get to wear one of those funny hats?
BOWBELLS: I think it comes with the job, Dick.
