SCENE ONE
HARDUP HALL
Chorus are onstage dusting and cleaning. Music cue 2: Chorus. After song ends…
Enter Buttons at a run [SR]
BUTTONS: Were you guys singing just now?
CHORUS 1: Yes, Buttons.
CHORUS 2: We’re just trying to lighten the atmosphere.
BUTTONS: It could certainly do with it, but you know the baroness hates singing.
CHORUS 3: We won’t be here much longer anyway, Buttons.
BUTTONS: Don’t tell me she’s sacking you lot as well.
CHORUS 4: Yes, and you might be next, Buttons.
BUTTONS: I doubt it. She keeps telling me she needs a handyman about the place.
CHORUS 5: Then it might be handy if you kept out of her way.
BUTTONS: I do that as much as possible, anyway.
CHORUS 6: Come on guys, let’s carry on working our notice.
Exit Chorus [SR]
BUTTONS: Hiya, kids! As you’ve just heard, I’m Buttons, and I work here at Hardup Hall. But ever since old Baron Hardup remarried and the new baroness and her two ugly daughters moved in, everything’s gone downhill. But the person I feel most sorry for, is the Baron’s daughter, Cinderella. The Baroness and her daughters treat her like a servant and work her hard day and night. I try to cheer her up as much as possible, but I often need cheering up myself. So whenever I come on and shout, ‘hiya, kids’! Will you all shout back, ‘hiya, Buttons’, and it’ll help cheer me up. Let’s give it a try. [exits and re-enters] Hiya, kids! I need cheering up more than that. Let’s have another go. [repeats business] That was much better.
Enter Baroness [SL]
BARONESS: Buttons!
BUTTONS: Good morning, Baroness.
BARONESS: Who was making that infernal racket, earlier?
BUTTONS: It was just the servants singing while they worked, Mistress.
BARONESS: Well, tell them to stop it immediately!
BUTTONS: But I thought you wanted them to clean the place.
BARONESS: Are you trying to be funny, Buttons?
BUTTONS: Well, this is a pantomime, Mistress.
BARONESS: Then try acting the role of a servant for once.
BUTTONS: Yes, Mistress.
BARONESS: Have you seen Bella and Donna this morning?
BUTTONS: Yes, but I’m sure I’ll get over the shock, eventually.
BARONESS: They are shockingly attractive, aren’t they?
BUTTONS: [aside] They’re about as attractive as a boil on the bum.
BARONESS: What did you say, Buttons?
BUTTONS: They went to the beauty parlour, Mistress.
BARONESS: A beauty parlour can’t improve their looks.
BUTTONS: No, Mistress. [aside] But a paper bag might help.
BARONESS: They’re perfect just as they are.
BUTTONS: [aside] Perfectly ugly that is.
Enter Bella and Donna [SR] arguing.
BELLA: He fancies me, I’m telling you!
DONNA: Nobody could ever fancy you!
BELLA: The moment we met, he swept me off my feet.
DONNA: He’s a road sweeper and caught you with his brush.
BELLA: He couldn’t wait to pick me up.
DONNA: It’s his job to pick up rubbish.
BELLA: Shut your cakehole, you jealous cow!
DONNA: Make me!
Uglies mock fight, flapping hands at one another.
BARONESS: Girls, please conduct yourselves like the ladies you are!
UGLIES: Yes, Mama.
BELLA: [rubbing her bum] Ooooh!
BARONESS: What’s the matter, Bella, dear?
BELLA: I’m covered in bruises, Mama.
DONNA: It’s her own fault for throwing herself at men.
BARONESS: How can that give you bruises?
DONNA: They always move at the last second.
BUTTONS: I don’t blame them.
BARONESS: Buttons! Fetch Cinderella here at once! I have a big list of chores for her.
BUTTONS: But she hasn’t finished the big list you gave her this morning.
BARONESS: The lazy child!
UGLIES: [hands on hips] She’s lazy, lazy, lazy!
BUTTONS: Oh, no she isn’t!
UGLIES: Oh, yes she is!
BUTTONS: Cinders works really hard, whereas you two laze around all day.
DONNA: That’s because we’re ladies.
BELLA: And ladies don’t scrub floors.
BUTTONS: That’s funny because you look like a pair of scrub…
BARONESS: Buttons! [pointing] Fetch!
BUTTONS: [to audience] She treats me like a dog sometimes.
BARONESS: And be quick about it or you’ll find yourself in the doghouse!
BUTTONS: [to audience] See what I mean? I’m just going, Mistress. [exits SR]
DONNA: Why don’t you sack that little creep, Mother?
BELLA: He’s always sticking up for our lazy stepsister.
BARONESS: I’d like to, girls, but he’s in a powerful union.
DONNA: What union?
BARONESS: The Domestic Underlings Mutual Partners Society.
BELLA: [mouths letters] He’s in the Dumps!?
DONNA: Just like your road sweeper friend.
BELLA: Watch it, sister!
Enter Cinderella and Buttons [SR]M/b>
CINDERELLA: You wanted to see me, Stepmother?
DONNA: Just look at the state of her!
BELLA: How does she manage to get so dirty?
BUTTONS: You wouldn’t understand; it’s called work.
