SCENE ONE
THE TOWN OF IKEA
Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…
Music cue 4: Enter Olaf [SR]
OLAF: I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream, rah-rah-rah! Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Olaf, and whenever I shout, ‘I scream, you scream’,you must all reply, ‘rah-rah-rah’! Okay? Here we go then. ‘I scream; you scream’! Well done everybody! [to Chorus] What can I get you folks?
CHORUS 1: I’d like a cone of soft whippy ice cream, please, Olaf.
OLAF: Righto. [holds cone under dispenser, pulls lever and milk runs out]
CHORUS 1: I said ‘whippy’ ice cream, Olaf, not runny.
OLAF: Oh, dear, I must’ve accidentally caught the defrost switch when I tried swatting a wasp away earlier. I could do with an insect repellent.
CHORUS 2: Stick a photo of your mum on the cart; if her face doesn’t repel the little beasties, then nothing else will!
Chorus laugh.
OLAF: Cheek! Clear off! [shoos them off SR] Mum might have a face like a baboon’s bottom, but I’m not having people dissing her. That’s my job.
Music cue 5: Enter Nelly [SL]
NELLY: There you are, Olaf.
OLAF: Mum! How come you’re not in the shop serving customers?
NELLY: I’ve been invited to a housewarming.
OLAF: I’m surprised anybody can afford to warm their homes these days.
NELLY: Tell me about it. I look forward to having a hot flush just to feel warm. By the way, why is some ugly woman’s picture hanging in our bathroom?
OLAF: I think you’ll find it’s the mirror, Mum. Is the plant a housewarming gift?
NELLY: Yes, and while I was in the garden centre, I bumped into Marty McFly.
OLAF: How do you know it was him?
NELLY: Because he had his back to the fuchsias. [laughs] Back to the fuchsias!
OLAF: Very funny, Mum.
NELLY: How many sales have you made today, Olaf?
OLAF: None.
NELLY: How come!?
OLAF: I had a little accident.
NELLY: Join the club.
OLAF: What little accident did you have, Mum?
NELLY: Never mind, Son, it was a long time ago and I was young and foolish.
OLAF: [to audience] And now she’s old and totally stupid.
NELLY: So, what was this accident, you had, Olaf?
OLAF: I tried swatting a wasp away earlier and accidentally caught the defrost switch, and all the ice cream turned to mush.
NELLY: Like your brain! Why didn’t you switch it back on and re-freeze it all?
OLAF: It’s not safe to do that, Mum.
NELLY: Rubbish! Mother Nature freezes, defrosts and re-freezes the village pond every year, and it’s never killed a single fish.
OLAF: I know, but the pond isn’t made of dairy ice cream. Mind you, if global warming takes off, frozen ponds will become a thing of the past.
NELLY: [rubbing her hands] And our ice cream business will make a fortune!
OLAF: You can’t put profit above the planet, Mum.
NELLY: We won’t be able to put profit above starving if you keep ruining stock.
OLAF: I’ve just had a brilliant idea!
NELLY: That’s what you said about your plan to sell ice cream to the Eskimos.
OLAF: You’re always telling me to think outside the box, Mum.
NELLY: Your thinking will have us living inside a box – a cardboard one.
OLAF: Do you want to hear my brilliant idea or not?
NELLY: Okay, Olaf, I could do with a laugh. What’s your brilliant idea?
OLAF: We repaint the ice cream cart with big black and yellow stripes.
NELLY: And how will that help our business?
OLAF: Because the wasps will think it’s a monster wasp and keep away.
NELLY: I have a better idea, Olaf.
OLAF: What’s that, Mum?
NELLY: I sack you and hire somebody with a brain instead.
OLAF: I’m not stupid, Mum!
NELLY: Then how come you were bottom of the class at school?
OLAF: I was home-schooled and there was only me in the class! Which means technically, I was top of the class because there was nobody above me.
NELLY: I was above you.
OLAF: You were my teacher, so it doesn’t count.
NELLY: Don’t argue with me, or I’ll give you detention.
OLAF: You can’t give me detention!
NELLY: Why can’t I?
OLAF: Because I’m no longer at school!
NELLY: Then I’ll ground you instead.
OLAF: Now you’re just acting silly.
NELLY: Well, this is a panto. Just go back and mind the shop.
OLAF: Yes, Mum. [exits SL]
Enter Mayor [SR]
MAYOR: Nelly Knickerbocker, I want a word with you!
NELLY: Only the one, Boris?
MAYOR: I’m the Mayor of Ikea, Nelly, and you will address me as such.
NELLY: You want me to call you, Such, instead of Boris?
MAYOR: No!
NELLY: Make your mind up, then!
MAYOR: I’ve had complaints about your Olaf knocking over people’s bins with his ice cream cart.
NELLY: That’s rubbish talk. [laughs] Rubbish? Bins? Never mind.
MAYOR: Tell him to be more careful in future.
NELLY: It’s our future I’m more interested in, Boris.
MAYOR: What are you talking about, Nelly?
NELLY: I want to know when we’re getting married.
MAYOR: We’re not getting married!
NELLY: We are, according to my horoscope.
MAYOR: Marrying you would be a horror story.
NELLY: But our love is written in the stars.
MAYOR: I don’t care if it’s written in the Sunday Sport, it’s not happening, Nelly.
NELLY: Say what you like, but fate dictates that one day we’ll be man and wife.
MAYOR: That sounds like a fate worse than death to me.
NELLY: It’s lucky I know you’re only joking.
MAYOR: Who’s joking!? And when are you going to pay your council tax?
NELLY: Just as soon as my assets are unfrozen.
MAYOR: Don’t tell me you locked yourself inside the walk-in freezer again.
NELLY: Not those assets! My bank account’s been frozen.
MAYOR: How come?
NELLY: The bank said they’d detected unusual activity.
MAYOR: You must’ve finally paid somebody’s bill.
