SCENE ONE
SPACEPORT
Music cue 3: Chorus of Space Cadets. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Buzz [SR]
BUZZ: Hiya, boys and girls! I’m Buzz Leapyear, and this is the International Spaceport, where spaceships drop off crews for shore leave on Earth. I applied to train as an astronaut at the George Lucas Academy, and they said I had all the attributes they were looking for…in a janitor. Being rejected left me feeling down, and I could do with cheering up, so whenever I come on and shout, ‘to infinity’! You all shout, ‘and beyond’! and it’ll cheer me up. Let’s have a practice run. [exits and re-enters] To infinity! Cosmic! I might never get to be an astronaut, but working at the academy, I do get to see the lovely Princess Lilo, and I’m hoping that one day she might actually notice me.
Enter Stella [SL]
STELLA: There you are, Buzz.
BUZZ: [to audience] This is my mum, Stella. She’s a ship cleaner.
STELLA: Careful how you say that, son.
BUZZ: Maybe I should say, ‘starship’ cleaner’’, instead.
STELLA: That would be less dangerous. Who were you talking to just now?
BUZZ: Them lot down there. [indicates audience]
STELLA: [looking out] We have got a lot of new cadets in this year, haven’t we? And quite a few mature ones at that. I bet you all can’t wait to pass out.
BUZZ: I wish I were, Mum.
STELLA: You’ve passed out enough, Buzz. [to audience] He’s fainted more times than I’ve had hot dinners. In the end, I had to stop him watching Doctor Who.
BUZZ: I was only a child then, Mum, but I’m older and braver now.
STELLA: Older and dafter more like, just like your father.
BUZZ: I’d love to be an astronaut, like Dad.
STELLA: Your father was more of an astro-nut.
BUZZ: How do you mean, Mum?
STELLA: Because only an idiot would volunteer to go to The Planet Of No Return.
BUZZ: Do you think he’ll ever return one day?
STELLA: No, Buzz.
BUZZ: What makes you say that, Mum?
STELLA: It’s not called The Planet Of No Return for nothing.
BUZZ: I’d love to fly around the galaxy in a big spaceship.
STELLA: The only galaxy I’m interested in, is the chocolate kind.
BUZZ: Did you know you become weightless in space, Mum?
STELLA: I suppose that’s one way of making slimmer of the week.
BUZZ: And that space is a vacuum?
STELLA: If space is a vacuum, then why is the moon all dusty?
BUZZ: I wish I had a big telescope to study the cosmos.
STELLA: I considered getting you one, but the cost was astronomical. [aside] I’ll wait.
BUZZ: Can I have a space-themed party for my next birthday, Mum?
STELLA: Only if you can find somebody else to planet. [laughs] Planet!? Forget it.
BUZZ: ‘Ere, Mum. What do you call Santa in a spaceship?
STELLA: I don’t know, Buzz, what do you call Santa in a spaceship?
BUZZ: A UF-Ho-ho-ho! [laughs] Why did Mickey Mouse travel to outer space?
STELLA: I don’t know, Buzz, why did Mickey Mouse travel to outer space?
BUZZ: To find Pluto. [laughs]
STELLA: It Disney get any better, folks.
BUZZ: I’d best be off, Mum, I have a big blockage to shift.
STELLA: Have you tried syrup of figs?
BUZZ: I think I’ll stick with me plunger. Bye! [exits SL]
STELLA: That’ll make his eyes water. I’d better be off too. I have to clean the Starship Economise before it leaves spaceport. The ship’s captained by the sexy Captain Berk. I wouldn’t mind having a close encounter with him, I can tell you. He’s out of this world. He’s out of the galaxy most of the time, but I like a man who doesn’t get under my feet all day. Bye for now! [exits SR]
SFX: Heavy breathing sounds ala Darth Vader.
Enter Barf Raider [SL]
RAIDER: I really must quit smoking. Greetings, space trash! I’m Barf Raider, an interstellar villain. Yesterday, Flash Jordan captured me after he beamed aboard my ship and caught me with my pants down…literally. I was on the toilet at the time. But no prison can hold me, and now I plan to gain control of the Starship Economise and use its power to destroy the Earth and take over the galaxy. I’ve just ordered two evil droids off the Dark web to help me in my task, and then you can kiss your puny planet goodbye! [exits SR laughing]
Enter princess Lilo [SL]
LILO: Hello, everybody! I’m Princess Lilo, and I’m very excited today because my boyfriend, Flash Jordan, is returning to Earth after capturing the evil villain, Barf Raider. We’ve been dating for almost five years, but for of most that time we’ve been apart because he’s been tracking Raider across the galaxy. And now that he’s captured him, I’m hoping Flash will finally settle down.
Music cue 4: Enter Flash [SR]
FLASH: It’s me, Flash! Hurrah! [slaps thigh]
LILO: Flash!
FLASH: Lilo! How’s my favourite girl?
LILO: Favourite girl? I should hope I’m your only girl, Flash.
FLASH: Despite having more bang than a super-nova, and an adoring female fan club on every planet in the known universe, I’m still a one-woman man, Lilo.
LILO: Well, now you’ve captured Barf Raider, you can stay with me for a bit.
FLASH: That’s just what I had in mind, Lilo. [pelvic thrust] Woof!
LILO: Behave, Flash, this is a family show.
FLASH: I don’t do PC nonsense, Princess. I’m Flash, nice but naughty, Jordan.
LILO: You don’t need to act the macho man with me, Flash.
FLASH: But wasn’t it my machismo that attracted you to me in the first place, Lilo?
LILO: Not really.
FLASH: Then what did? And keep it clean…ish.
LILO: It’s because I know that underneath that macho image, is a man who yearns to get in touch with his feminine side.
FLASH: The only feminine side I’m interested in touching is yours, Princess. Woof!
LILO: You’re incorrigible, Flash, but I still love you.
FLASH: So, do I…love you, I mean. Music cue 5: Flash & Lilo. After song ends…
Enter Commander Clanger [SL]
CLANGER: Flash!
FLASH: Commander Clanger! I expect you’re happy now that I’ve captured Raider.
CLANGER: I’ll be even happier when you’ve recaptured him, Flash.
LILO: Don’t tell me he’s escaped already!
CLANGER: I’m afraid so, Princess Lilo.
FLASH: How did Raider escape, Commander?
CLANGER: Somebody smuggled him out in a laundry basket, and he got clean away.
LILO: That sounds like something from another panto.
