SCENE ONE
PANTOMANIA
Music cue 3: Chorus. After song ends…Exit Chorus [SL]
Enter Simon [SR]
SIMON: Hello, panto lovers, and welcome to Pantomania! I’m Simon Trott and I hate to start on a downer, but I’m feeling sad today. I’m feeling sadder than that! Me and Mum are in danger of being evicted from our new council flat because of rent arrears, after being evicted from our dairy because of rent arrears. It’s because we’re so poor, you see. [elicit sympathy] Last week our TV got repossessed in the middle of watching The Exorcist. But I bought one from Curry’s for a tenner. The sign said, ‘Telly for a tenner, volume stuck on full’. I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down’. We still have our cow Daisy, because mum wouldn’t part with her for all the tea in China. Even if she did, we don’t have room to store it all. [laughs]
Enter Dame Trott [SR]
DAME T: What was that awful racket I heard earlier, Simon?
SIMON: It was probably buskers, Mum.
DAME T: Thank goodness for that. For a moment, I thought Daisy was ill.
SIMON: Daisy’s fine, Mum. In fact, I’ve never seen her happier than she is right now.
DAME T: That just makes things even harder for me, Simon.
SIMON: What do you mean, Mum?
DAME T: I’m afraid we have to sell Daisy.
SIMON: Sell Daisy! You’re not serious, Mum, surely?
DAME T: Yes, Simon. If we don’t pay our rent today, the landlord will evict us.
SIMON: Please don’t sell Daisy, Mum, it’ll only break my heart.
DAME T: Mine too, Simon. Daisy’s been with us through good times and bad.
SIMON: Mostly bad.
DAME T: If your father hadn’t run off with that contortionist, we’d still have a dairy to run. The hussy bent over backwards to lure him away from me.
SIMON: Do you still miss him, Mum?
DAME T: No, Simon, your father was a waste of space.
SIMON: But you must have loved him once.
DAME T: I did love him once. Twice actually and look what it got me.
SIMON: What did it get you, Mum?
DAME T: You and Jack.
SIMON: I wonder how Jack’s getting on since he married Jill and moved away.
DAME T: The last I heard they were carting water down a hill for a living.
SIMON: That’s a funny job, isn’t it?
DAME T: They weren’t laughing when they tripped and fell down it yesterday.
SIMON: Are they both all right?
DAME T: Yes, Simon, they went to the hospital and got bandaged up with vinegar and brown paper.
SIMON: These NHS cuts are really starting to bite, aren’t they?
DAME T: You’re not kidding. Yesterday, I asked my doctor for a prescription, and he handed me one with a joke on it. I said, ‘Doctor, this prescription’s a joke’!
SIMON: And what did he say?
DAME T: He said, ‘I believe laughter is the best medicine’.
SIMON: Will you try to get him struck off?
DAME T: No, Simon, the joke wasn’t that bad.
Enter an adult Little Red Riding Hood [SR]
RED: Hello, you two!
DAME T: It’s, Little Red Riding Hood!
SIMON: [leering] She’s not so little these days, Mum.
DAME T: Roll your tongue back in, Simon.
RED: Would you like me to take Daisy for her daily walk, Mrs T?
DAME T: No, Red, I’m selling her.
RED: Selling, Daisy! But why?
DAME T: I’m skint and I need the money to pay our rent.
RED: What about, Simon, Mrs T?
DAME T: I did consider it, but I think I’ll get more for Daisy.
RED: I meant, can’t he get a job and earn some money?
DAME T: Simon can’t seem to hold a job down, Red.
RED: What jobs have you had, Simon?
SIMON: I used to be a sound technician, but I got sacked after some bad feedback. And before that, I had a job making doorknobs, but I couldn’t handle it. Then I worked in a factory making calendars, but they sacked me for taking a day off.
RED: Don’t either of you have any savings?
DAME T: I spent all mine on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday – never again.
SIMON: I signed up for an escapologist course and I’m struggling to get out of it.
DAME T: I don’t want to sell, Daisy, but I’ve got no choice. Besides, it’s not easy sharing a tiny flat with an incontinent cow.
SIMON: Not to mention unhygienic.
SFX: Loud mooing.
RED: It sounds like Daisy’s ready for her breakfast.
DAME T: I suppose I’d better make her last meal.
SIMON: Last meal!?
DAME T: Before the abattoir truck arrives. [bites her fist] I can’t believe it’s come to this! [exits SL crying]
RED: They’ll probably turn poor Daisy into lots of Big Macs.
SIMON: Not if I can help it, Red. [exits at a run SL]
RED: I hope Mrs T changes her mind about selling Daisy. Don’t you, boys and girls?
Enter Prince Charming at a run [SR] he stops [CS] to catch his breath.
PRINCE: I can’t keep this up much longer.
RED: Prince Charming!
PRINCE: I can’t stop, Red, I’m on the run from Baron Hardup’s ugly stepdaughters.
RED: Why are Zoflora and Vileda chasing after you?
PRINCE: The glass slipper fitted Vileda, and she expects me to honour my promise of marrying whoever it fitted.
RED: Then why are they both after you?
PRINCE: They believe in sisters sharing everything, including me.
RED: What will you do, Your Highness?
PRINCE: I’m thinking about hiding in the human world above.
RED: I’ve heard it’s terrible up there. Global warming, rising sea-levels, plastic pollution, wars. Not to mention Donald Trump.
PRINCE: Donald Trump?
RED: I told you not to mention him.
